Earlier I had a moment.... My ex partner put up pictures of himself with his baby son etc... Now I have nothing but love for him and his partner...we all get on brilliantly. I have cuddled the baby as well...no issue...
And yet today, when I saw the pictures on my Facebook newsfeed, tears come from beneath... I couldn't stop them.. I kept thinking about the babies we lost together... They would be around 4, 5 or 6 now...
I realised that it is unlikely that I will ever get called mum... There will no eager child running to me after their school day...No son or daughter looking out for me when I am older.. I will never get to breast feed or have the experience of birth.
Then I remembered that I have looked after many children, right from when I was at school myself right the way through the years. I have been blessed to have changed nappies, toilet train, dress, feed etc...I have done the school runs, nursery pickups...gone to football matches..washed dirty clothes (after picking the up off the floor! Lol ), gone through the choosing of the right school, gone to parent /teacher evenings.... Cuddled a child to sleep, read bedtime stories, sang and played etc. BUT in all that 'mothering'..never was I called mum...never could I look at a little face, and recognise bits of me in the reflection. :(
So..my last blog was talking about maybe not having the energy for a family...and now I grieve the family that I nearly had myself. It's all mixed up with stepping into the family of my partner, my grief of losing babies, my age and hormones and this wonderful Relapsing Polychondritis and the medications that goes with it....ugh!
I 'liked' the pictures on Facebook...with love and gratitude for the growth, maturity and love I see in that man...for our sharing of so many things over the years, our travels worldwide, our experiences and the little ones that we never got to hold physically.
You know what happened next? I was looking out of the window at the view of the river and fields...and a little girl started to shout my name out...tying to find me in the house.. Eventually, she came into the bedroom and found me crying... She came onto the bed and cuddled me...she kissed me and tried to cheer me up with her funny ways. Beautiful and sensitive young woman...I felt the nurturing of the sisterhood coming through this tiny body...
....and then, she asked if I would get her something to eat! :). As I prepared her a snack, she was doing her homework and shouted out a couple of times with queries.. That made me smile!
And as I just finished typing, and about to publish...a little boy comes in...takes a look at my circling angel chimes, runs out saying 'love you Lisa'. Xx
Life! I am so blessed really....
Namaste
X
