Life! Like playing a game of cards.....

I'm on my night shift again... wide, wide awake in the early hours of the morning.  Got my cuppa and drawn to write something...

Had a pretty stressful and emotional time over the last week, not only with hospital visits etc but also relationship stuff.  Everyone seems to be going through a lot of 'stuff' at the moment, all the rubbish from the past being brought up into the present and causing a rumpus!    Whilst difficult to be with, especially when you already have low energy, it is helpful to be aware that this stuff only comes up in love to be cleared..hopefully for good.   Watching others' lives fall apart and go into free-fall though is tough to watch and knowing that this is life's way of giving opportunity to forget the old, move on in some way, clear the past was the only comfort really.

The greatest thing that I realised this week was shown to me by a friend - if a child was having a tantrum, being angry and saying all kinds of hurtful things to you..things that made your heart sink and your gut wrench..how would you react?  Knowing that you loved that child with all your being, would never do anything to harm them and yet they kick and push you away...what would you do?  That made me think hard.  Hmmm... I am not a mother but I felt immediately what she meant..      I wouldn't take my 'position' and point out the 'unfairness' of it all, I wouldn't fight back, I wouldn't take the things said personally and doubt their love for me... I would hold the space, tell them I loved them, ride it out until they came out of their anger...and be there when that moment happened to just bloody well hold them tight!  That is what love does. 

I too, am moving into a new phase in my life...yes, I have been diagnosed with a chronic disease, but I see that I am on the brink of learning and experiencing so much, am connecting with lovely beings from around the planet because of that.   My partnership is moving into the next phase also - where I am discovering that I can be shown new  ways of loving, intimacy and being.. where I am not so fixed in my ideas and philosophies and just see what happens when I let someone else lead the way...  kind of exciting!

I've said this a few times this week....  its like in life, we are dealt a set of cards to play with....how we play with them is up to us though...cards will be taken away and extra ones (even sometimes the odd joker!) given to us throughout our life and together with a lot of luck and chance thrown in...there is nothing else to do.  Sometimes it appears unfair and unjust, sometimes its a joy and amazing...... Its the play of life!

x

11.11.11, 11am. Perfect Timing.for a camera to be put up my nose and down my throat!

An auspicious date in the calendar and whilst many of my friends were meditating, at sacred spots, tuning in to new energies etc, I was at my local hospital having a camera put up my nose and down my throat!  Obviously the place for me...

Facing another one of my childhood bad memories where at age 7, I was pinned down by a group of nurses whilst a doctor did the same procedure without any sedation.....I had avoided having this done for a while now, but it was really the only way to see if there is any damage to my trachea from this RP disease.

I was jumpy, nervous and tearful - the sight of the guys in their blue gowns sparked me off...at this stage all they were doing were calling names out in the waiting room.   My friend was allowed to come in to the prep ward with me thank goodness because during my wait, the others patients in the ward kept on talking about the procedures they had had done and what was wrong with them – I’d go into waves of panic and fear and start drifting into a faint.  My friend was able to ground me and bring me back, distract me with other stories – in a way it was funny...I watched all the other ladies being taken away and brought back..and then the nurses handing over to the after-care team with details of what they had had done etc.. I couldn’t escape it.

Anyway, still waiting for my turn at 11am, my friend and I just looked at each other – we felt a surge of energy come through – very slight - we seemed to connect with out friends out there doing their 'ceremonies; and also the general public and the 2 min silence.  A few minutes later I was trollied away for my turn.. shaking so much, they thought I was cold but I was sweating through fear.   Whilst doing the necessary prep, canola thing, sprayed here and there, I held onto a kind nurses arm and they talked about dogs, snow and stuff until I felt drowsy and swimmy from the drugs.

The consultant doing the procedure was efficient and kind – and I finally saw pictures of my throat, voice box and trachea...it went very quickly and I wasn’t that conscious but they gave me a picture of the bit causing me my problems.   The good news was that there didn’t appear to be any damage to cartilage to my windpipe but there was severe swelling in the area of trachea just below the voice box..  very narrow and therefore making it hard for me to breathe and talk correctly. 

After recovery, the consultant who had been seeing me since my issues started some 7 years ago came out to talk to me.  During these 7 years  I have attended his chest clinic twice a year and had numerous tests and each time, he had scratched his head not knowing  what was happening.  He was patient explaining stuff and admitted that he had never seen anything like this in his career  and wouldn’t know what to do – that this was a specialist problem and I was seeing the very best person already, even if I have to travel down to London.   The internet is a wonderful thing!

I was left with this picture of the bit of my body that has caused me problems over the last few years – I stared at it and touched it and felt so much energy coming through – I sent it healing thoughts and acknowledged its presence...

Last night when I went to bed, I took the picture and meditated with it, feeling in and sending healing thoughts of expansion and opening...asking questions of it like why was it there, what was it I needed to learn....  I made a special place in the window, with healing crystals – it felt right somehow...

This morning, it feels really good still to be able to see what the area actually looks like...it enables me to tune in with it more intimately somehow.   I think that this will be a useful tool for healing...

Out of bed now to prepare for the Metho dosage today.