Ever learning..growing.. Relationships!

I haven't written for ages again..been enjoying loving, resting, gently working and playing..interweaved with a couple of bouts of health stuff.


Visits to new places, sights and introduced to some new stone circles in Cumbria and the Lake District..wonderful meetings albeit with rashes and ears flaring up! Interestingly though, my breathing was better in the mountain air and got worse again as we headed down the M5 home…. Could this mean I have to move to a place away from arable/crop farmland? Who knows!

A thoughtful week for me..relationship hasn’t been this ‘straightforward’ or easy for a long long time..and I’m not used to it! At what point did I become addicted to the roller coaster ride, the ups and downs, of being with someone that is unsure, coming and going, dangling a carrot, hope, then cutting it… Ugh! When did I begin to be comfortable with that feeling of seeming ‘love’, excitement then utter despair and insecurity in the next moment. What made me undervalue myself so much to accept nothing less than what I deserve? I shake my head..at myself!

I have a man in my life that is adoring me, honouring me, wooing me and respecting me…loving me with ease, no expectations, no drama, no carrots..its all there…on the table for me! Yet, I hesitate, this is not what I am used to.. I find myself looking for ‘that’ familiar feeling inside, the chase, the unattainable, the excitement of the ups and downs, insecurity, being overwhelmed, bamboozled and also that comfortable ‘aloneness’… ugh again!

I watch all of this going on..my mind very clever bringing up my past, emotions and memories..trying to claw me away from the present..and the future. I talk silently to my self..seeing the truth, knowing not to trust these ‘feelings’…they are not real – an illusion.

The feelings of ‘attraction’ are completely different, less highs and lows, no roller coaster or drama and there is passion and desire. This man seems firmly rooted and committed to me… I trust that I am where I am meant to be…all perfect.

I read this paragraph today:

“I am the common denominator in this soap opera called life! In the past, I’d know I felt bad by the flutters in my stomach, the anxiety, discomfort, the vague ambiguous feeling, and the familiarity that comes with catering to a pattern…and I’d ignore it. This could only mean I’d continue to make poor choices and create more pain for myself” (baggagereclaim.co.uk)

I choose a healthy man, a healthy relationship – I intend to enjoy every moment and see how it all unfolds…

Namaste.