Year End...Grateful thanks....

Been an age since I last wrote!  Unfortunately the health issues have continued and I did end up with some blood clots in my leg to deal with along with an on going cold.    Luckily the clots were in the superficial veins but they were still very painful...it was very empowering though to be able to do my own heparin injections in my tummy! 

It's a weird time of year for me...it seems there are always beginning and endings around Christmas time.  Throughout my life I have noticed that that period between Xmas and New year, separations or drama of some sort happen..and in each late February, early spring, a new beginning or change of some sort comes into my life.  It's actually quite magical if it wasn't so bloody painful at times.  I always hope that that year is the last year that the pattern repeats.    My first ever relationship..with my birth mother ended soon after birth with a separation.  Between Xmas and new year she was preparing to give birth to the daughter she already knew she was giving up for adoption eight weeks later. 

A new Being entered my life briefly early Winter then disappeared over Christmas.  That fleeting romance showed me so much.  It showed me how I had built a wall of resistance and distrust of man..I had built in a radar to hunt out 'controlling' behaviours and it was astonishing (and actually sickening) to watch me on the look out for the slightest hint of such behaviour.  I knew it wasn't my true self though as I could witness it as from my ego self...based on past projection...I was honest and vulnerable in my sharing of this...bless him, his true masculinity in holding that space.

This man got through that wall with perseverance and gradually I let down my guard..I stepped in fully.  Although  it was for only a short time..it was amazing.  Maybe I was a fool, duped or even 'played' given the outcome...maybe my initial doubts were actually founded...I will never know.  However, the lesson was about remaining open to love, trusting and I will endeavour to not re build that wall again when the times comes.  So thank you..you know who you are.  :)

2013 was a siginificant year for my spiritual growth..obviously attending a retreat in Tuscany and a visit to Assisi.  My meeting with St Francis and my return to 'the masters feet' as it were.  The master being source or god, not any particular deity or teacher..the absolute.  It was also where I realised myself and truly became one with everything. 

I have written a book about my journey but have been unsure how to complete the ending. Initially, it was to end at that point in Tuscany when I had re dedicated my life to, serving Source..but Source then 'pushed' me into the path of the masculine, showing me to serve unconditionally, to surrender completely and go beyond any body mind attraction, for the sake of, the whole, for humanity, for evolution.    This was a whole new ball game for me..to be with a man I was not drawn to physically..beyond any body mind identity...it has happened twice this year.

I continued to write about this, about how the feminine presence opened and invited, about her sadness and her compassion for the masculine who cannot meet her....but of course, there is no clear cut 'ending', no official finish line, the journey continues. So  I feel that the book will end at Tuscany, I cannot delay or procrastinate it any longer and I aim to get it 'out there' very soon..

So, thank you to all the readers of my blog...I am so honoured and grateful that you share in my journey.

Let's look forward to 2014...whatever life throws at us... Bring it on!

"KNOW GOD, KNOW PEACE, KNOW YOURSELF!"  XXX

A beautiful blog written by the Masculine to the Feminine..

A powerful and beautiful piece of writing by Lori Lothian, 

"I’m a warrior in transition."

I apologize for my inability to distinguish the benevolent warrior from the heartless warrior, a reflection of my own confusion dealing with the battlefields of yore. When I opened my heart too wide, I was vulnerable to attack from warring factions. I was conditioned to believe I had to stay rigid, focused, prepared for any eventuality, in the desire to protect myself and others from attack. But I went too far, and closed too tight, and eradicated the bridge between our hearts.

I am seeing this now and I am sorry.

I apologize for my perpetual absence, a reflection of my own inner absence, my inability to connect from a heart jammed tight by unresolved emotions that I did not have the tools to work through. I still lack many of these tools, but I am open to their emergence.

I apologize for my inability to distinguish relationship from war. Like a warrior in enemy territory, I would sneak in and out of your life in the night, plundering and selfishly taking what I needed, then crawling back to the other side of the abyss with the spoils. I gave little back for fear that I would become vulnerable to attack. I had war on the brain and I could not see the river of love waiting on the other side of the battlefield. I now recognize that love is the antidote for the armoured warrior, but I could not drink the antidote in my driven state.

I apologize for not seeing you, my eyes blinded by congealed rage and unshed tears. If it is any consolation, and I imagine it is not, I could not see myself either. I saw only that which served my hyper-vigilance, my warrior focus. My mirror was a battlefield.

I apologize for my ungrounded materialism, my power driven tyrannies, my obsession with accumulation. Somehow I imagined that accumulation would protect me and those close to me, but I failed to recognize that it just perpetuated the madness. I also apologize for my egoic abuses, a reflection of my own misguided ego, pumped up to deal with an inherently competitive world. I couldn’t distinguish the healthy, confident ego from the cocky, unhealthy ego. I went much too far in the wrong direction.
I apologize for a sexuality that was objectifying and disconnected from the heart. I know you longed for real intimacy, a merging of our souls along the heart-genital highway. But there were too many defences around my heart, and no bridge could form between our souls. There were moments when your loving ways freed me from my body masks, but I had no template to stand in that heart-fire. I am sorry for this, for I know that the path you longed for was the path to God.

I apologize for my horrifying acts of violence, a reflection of my own congealed rage, my own inability to distinguish real enemies from friends. There are no words that can undo what I have done in those moments of madness. I know this, I do. I would hide my face in shame, but that won’t make things better. I need to own my misdeeds, and then find a way to believe in my capacity to move from a more loving place. I call out to other male warriors to be accountable for the actions of our gender, not in a way that is self-hating, but in a way that is courageously self-honest and genuinely compassionate. The heartfelt warrior acknowledges the error of his ways, and has the courage to do all he can to make amends over time.

I apologize for my inability to develop a conscious relationship. You were right there with your beautiful heart on your sleeve but I was too attached to my individualism and afraid of this unknown terrain. I know the forests, the marketplace and the ways of the outer world so well, but my inner geography is foreign to me. You called me to a place I was ill-prepared to go, although I sensed, below the surface of my bravado, that you called me home.

I am grateful for your willingness to believe that who I was in those rare moments of vulnerability was the real me. You were right—the real me lives inside of my heart—but a few moments now and then was the most I could handle. I saw you as dangerous, for in your presence I began to taste a surrendered way of being. Nonetheless, your faith in my goodness kept me going through many a battle, and restored my faith in life when I most needed it. You were the light at the end of a barbaric tunnel, and I am blessed.

I am grateful that you stuck with me through thick and thin, and I also understand those times you had to give up and let go. I now recognize that there is meaningful difference between a love-ship and a relationship. Love alone is not enough. Without a shared willingness to become conscious, there can only be frustration.
I was so often impossible, clinging to my unconsciousness like a soldier clings to his weapons. I recognize the courage it took for you to keep your heart open in the presence of my resistance. You had every right to seek an authentic relationship, as your spirit was ignited in its presence. Your beautiful heart had every right to be met in its openness and willingness. I am grateful for the time you gave me, a moments respite from the hiding places I mistakenly called home.

I am grateful for Grandmother, for no one saw my tenderness more clearly. I am grateful for Mother, for choosing to bring me into being and for nourishing my body until I could find my feet. I am grateful for Mother Earth, for grounding my expansion and enlivening my spirit. I am grateful for the Divine Mother, the real Mother of us all. I now feel her divine presence, so close. Fiercely compassionate, she was always right here, breathing life into me, holding me safe. I sit in her lap as she breathes me.

I look forward to the day when the only thing that ignites relationship is two souls calling out to one another, two soul-hearts beating in the same direction, a whisper of longing that bridges one essence to another. I want to want you not because it gratifies my ego, not because you are outwardly beautiful, but because your very presence invites my Godself out of hiding. I want to touch you with my heart on my sleeve, to know chemistry between us that is not gender identified, but that is essence sourced, loves liquid lava flowing from the heart to the genitals to the great beyond. In this love-struck world, relationship will always be experienced as spiritual practice, a devotional expression of our God-self.

I had always believed that sensitivity is impossible to hold to in a harsh world. Yet in this moment, I feel sensitive, but without the fragility. I am still wearing armor but there is a shift in the direction of my intensity. I can linger in the heart-space a little longer than I once could, I am softening in places. After so many lifetimes with weapon in hand, a tenderling warrior is being birthed in the core of my being. He is confused, but he intuitively knows that this is the way home.

Please don’t give up on me or my fellow warriors. Forgive us our misdeeds, or, at the least, be open to the possibility that we will change as the trail expands to meet our shifting intentionality. The day will come when our warrior spirit loses its harsh edge, and comes into alignment with benevolent action. Some of us are already there, and many more of us will follow. The road to transformation is dependent on a bridge between genders, a benevolent bridge that celebrates our differences with respect and kindness. That work must begin with healing the rifts along the gender continuum, working hard to heal the collective heart until one day we can stand on a bridge across forever, hands held together, hearts open and alight, embracing the sacred masculine and divine feminine living at the heart of us all.

I will meet you there.

Lori Lothian...
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/06/dear-divine-feminine-im-sorry-jeff-brown/

Ever learning..growing.. Relationships!

I haven't written for ages again..been enjoying loving, resting, gently working and playing..interweaved with a couple of bouts of health stuff.


Visits to new places, sights and introduced to some new stone circles in Cumbria and the Lake District..wonderful meetings albeit with rashes and ears flaring up! Interestingly though, my breathing was better in the mountain air and got worse again as we headed down the M5 home…. Could this mean I have to move to a place away from arable/crop farmland? Who knows!

A thoughtful week for me..relationship hasn’t been this ‘straightforward’ or easy for a long long time..and I’m not used to it! At what point did I become addicted to the roller coaster ride, the ups and downs, of being with someone that is unsure, coming and going, dangling a carrot, hope, then cutting it… Ugh! When did I begin to be comfortable with that feeling of seeming ‘love’, excitement then utter despair and insecurity in the next moment. What made me undervalue myself so much to accept nothing less than what I deserve? I shake my head..at myself!

I have a man in my life that is adoring me, honouring me, wooing me and respecting me…loving me with ease, no expectations, no drama, no carrots..its all there…on the table for me! Yet, I hesitate, this is not what I am used to.. I find myself looking for ‘that’ familiar feeling inside, the chase, the unattainable, the excitement of the ups and downs, insecurity, being overwhelmed, bamboozled and also that comfortable ‘aloneness’… ugh again!

I watch all of this going on..my mind very clever bringing up my past, emotions and memories..trying to claw me away from the present..and the future. I talk silently to my self..seeing the truth, knowing not to trust these ‘feelings’…they are not real – an illusion.

The feelings of ‘attraction’ are completely different, less highs and lows, no roller coaster or drama and there is passion and desire. This man seems firmly rooted and committed to me… I trust that I am where I am meant to be…all perfect.

I read this paragraph today:

“I am the common denominator in this soap opera called life! In the past, I’d know I felt bad by the flutters in my stomach, the anxiety, discomfort, the vague ambiguous feeling, and the familiarity that comes with catering to a pattern…and I’d ignore it. This could only mean I’d continue to make poor choices and create more pain for myself” (baggagereclaim.co.uk)

I choose a healthy man, a healthy relationship – I intend to enjoy every moment and see how it all unfolds…

Namaste.

Magical Deepenings...Earth Changes...

Witnessing the Earth's changes through social network sites like watching a disaster movie but you know its really happening, somewhere, out there... imagining what it must be like to be faced with a huge wall of water bearing down..not knowing which way to run to.

Would I take flight or would I just close my eyes and surrender to what was happening...let the universe decide?  Would I suffer or would I transcend?  

These changes have long been foretold. The solar flares were noted a little while ago and these are now being felt on Earth..lots of talk of polar shifts, super volcanic activity, mayan prophecy etc etc

Greg Braden - Magnectic Field

http://www.kairosastrology.co.uk/astro/?p=129

The Revolution...

No need for me to say anything else on this.  More changes will happen...   Videos say it all.

At the same time, over the weekend, I have been enveloped in a deepening love with a man that has been able to meet me ..reaching the depths of who I am as a physical woman as well as the cosmic I, energy body. I have seen again how the masculine energy comes through all man and I am blessed to be physically connected with Him in my loving with this particular man.

Our dance has been exquisite..leaving me breathless, fulfilled and radiant!   

Truly blessed and honoured.  Namaste.

X

Loving deeply....cleansing bleed of old energies...allowing space for the new.

I've been unsure as to whether to write further and what I should be sharing right now... seems a lot of new energy is entering my life and I'm feeling just a wee bit over-whelmed. Thats ok and I am endeavouring to just allow it with surrender and openness.

A week or so of deep physical loving and connection that I have'nt touched with such depth for a while. It feels so sweet, amazing and yes, refreshing to be in the presence of a man that knows himself, knows what he wants and is confident in his authority as the masculine principle. Still a bit wary and watchful of the idea that this might stop after the 'honeymoon' period but enjoying every moment, surrendering and not getting into any thoughts, fears, projections.

Such as been the depth of being met that my bleed has come early and I am having such a powerful energy of cleansing out the 'old masculine energy', past energies, past hurt and emotions, let downs etc..seemingly draining me completely. I feel that my body, heart and womb is being emptied completely so that I can be free to receive nourishment of the new, depth of real man, completely.

There are moments of sheer bliss at being met deeply that are so sweet..I can taste the nectar in my throat... Thank you life!

Namaste..
x

Shaking Earth and the Welcoming the new....

An eventful week.. an emotional start to the week with the news of the NZ earthquake that has caused so much devastation. Even once I knew that all my loved ones and friends from Lyttleton and Christchurch were safe..the realisation that my closest friend was landing in that area at the time the quake hit.. touched me greatly. The shock of it went through my body..and I found myself being very emotional and weepy the whole day. An inner call to myself!

Even so, that same day, I met for the second time a man that I have connected with and his masculine presence has touched me deeply, and I welcome this new energy into my life. All a bit of a surprise really and even more so to notice my wariness of trusting a man, whether he can indeed hold this energy and remain in his authority. I am open though, I cant be anything else and trust that life knows what is true..time will tell and things will unfold.. How delightful that is!

All in all, a week of loving and reminders of how precious our experience as a human being is...we dont get that long really..so no point in holding back or waiting.

For those of you that are drawn and able to help support the wonderful work that friends are doing in Christchurch, there is a link to a donation page. They are travelling to the rescue centres in their double decker red bus and distributing hot chocolate and chocolate as well as offering massage, hugs and healing. Check them out at the following link: http://www.shechocolat.com/

Yearning of Woman..Aloneness.

I posted a music video on my facebook page yesterday - its a song written by a man, who talks of ‘holding’ woman in a tender, beautiful way. The link is below.

It has prompted some Sisters to write to me and a couple have posted on my wall with their tears, pain and fear that there are no men that are really committed to a deeper way of living and loving.

Much pain, sadness around the feminine principle it seems...sudden death of their beloved, sudden walk out of family home, years of not being met in a deep place, hurt by abuse, lack of commitment etc.. these are some of the ‘stories’ I have heard this week.

The feminine principle yearns to be met by true man who is committed to a deeper way of living and loving. She fears that there just aren’t men out there...tired of opening, giving of love to be disillusioned again and again. This particular song was written by Man and passed onto me by Man!

Aloneness – in the human form this comes and goes, a cycle, a fact of life. Maybe our challenge as Woman is to not close down when we have no physical beloved. She can use these times of aloneness to go deeper into her inner love. For me, I meditate, hold a tree as if it were my lover. Give it and the Earth your love and passion..breathe deep and you will feel the energy go through your body – see what happens next!

Eat well, dance, sing, read, enjoy nature, paint, draw, write..do anything that is creative...anything that you enjoy with a passion.....

With grace maybe that physical form will show up... if we are surrendered and open then that Man has an opportunity to meet us fully. I have written a few times of my sadness, despair, heartache and not perfect in all of this but I have never given up. I trust..

Love and tender hugs to all beautiful Sisters....

Dark Clear Black Skies to Bright Clear Blue Skies!

I'm sitting here at my desk, next to the open door, sunshine pouring in...birds a singing! Its the first time this year I've been able to have the door open whilst sat here. bliss!

Yesterday, I was in a funny space... had had a brilliant day working at a client's offices...and came back to my cottage and Milo feeling particularly lonely..I just wanted to share with another human being! So, I made a meal for one, sat listening to music, feeling ..well... is this it!

Someone on FB chat sent me words to describe what they saw in me:

"I see a strong woman who knows herself, celabrates being who she is, fights off illness and is obviously bright and interesting, she has theough circumstances ened up on her own (with Milo)..but there she is calm and it seems serene maybe, living in the countryside, working, meditating, searching and embracing all that surrounds her. She is in control of her world and can do just as she pleases..she obviously is a good person and attracts likewise people around her..."

I am blessed...I do know that.. but do still yearn for the embodiment of love in human form. That love is inside me, in all things... no need to search..

Last night, I sat outside, under the clear skies...so many bright stars above...it was wonderful. I listened to the sounds of the sheep and their lambs, an owl and the fish plopping in the lake.. yes I am lucky to be where I am, who I am at this point in my evolution!

Bleeding in the night..at last it has come. Releasing and cleansing...surrendering it to the earth. Today was clear blue skies, glorious sunshine and a freshness in the air..so I take Milo into the sacred woods..first time in ages.. I struggled up the hill a bit.. but it was so worth it. Met my guardian trees - reconnected..lay against the Mother tree, allowing her to embrace me.. and then lay on the fallen half trunk.. listening to the buzzard, woodpecker and little birds and sinking into the blue sky! Amazing..feeling so glad to be alive!

Namaste.

X

Musings on Love!

A foggy, misty day here in Worcestershire! The snow has practically gone, Milo flatly refuses to go out and hogging the settee, cosy by the fire. So we are both hibernating.

Musings at the moment amongst my friends with some familiar stories... man saying that he loves a woman but not IN love with her... Man saying 'just wants to be friends'...not ready etc etc... Woman feels these words so...much pain is caused. Same old cycles and patterns....

One of my male friends has just come through an experience and he has given me permission to share a recent email he sent me:

"The key learning is that it is an illusion for me to believe that Love only comes into my Life through a woman that I am in 'relationship' with. This belief as well as being untrue puts too much pressure on 'her' and expects her to live up to something that is impossible. Love is within me and all around me and I find it particularly easy to connect with in nature or in the creative arts such as dance and music. When I connect with this then the 'personal' Love that I may receive from another is like the icing on the cake, or a picture frame that brings out the beauty of a magnificent painting.

My old belief meant that once the newness and passion of a new relationship began to slip into the inevitable more familiar next stages of relationship there would be a voice within saying to me:

'"This will end, you will not find what you seek with this woman, so you may as well walk away. You are dishonouring her by being with her, you are just waiting for 'the one' and she is not 'the one'. A real man would walk away. It is unfair to be with her just till something better comes up. You cannot stay with her for fear of being alone. Leave her and do what you must. Perhaps the next woman will be 'the one'. "

Now, while the voice is true in that she alone will not give me what I seek, that is a Life of Love, it is untrue in leading me to believe that another woman will be able to. The children's story and countless sages tell of the 'Treasure Within' and while we spend our time searching the depths of the ocean and the highest mountains all the time The Treasure lies within. The Treasure of real Love lies within. The place where we refuse to look!!! Where I refused to look....until now.

It is clear that the myth of finding Love through our relationship with the opposite sex is sustained by society through Hollywood films etc.

I see that I do not need to cause us both pain by leaving something that is beautiful. I do not need to be so hard, so black and white. The journey of Love is not linear. It is not ends and beginnings. It is a dance. If one of us should meet another then so be it. We will share and talk and decide how to be with that if and when it happens. But I am not unconsciously or consciously seeking, waiting for 'the one' any more. My focus is on the Love within me and around me."


Insights indeed - thank you beautiful man..

As woman we also hold a 'romantic' view of love..hollywood style.fairytale story - expecting a knight in shining armour to collect us in his arms...take off with us in the sunset.. happy ever after! but weigh this up against the true yearning of wanting man to have the courage to lose his 'independance' and step right in... fully in... so painful when he doesnt, isnt able to for whatever reason.

Woman, we must take responsibility for our power...connect with Mother, nature, love that is us..without the need for physical man. Woman is love. However, when that man is physically there, to be soft, vulnerable and surrendered...giving him the space to be the man he truly is. Patience, tolerance, enouragement, humbleness, openness to what is..how it is, no matter how it looks... all part of learning, growth, human evolution.

Phew! A surreal two weeks....

Havent written for nearly two weeks - feels like I've been in a time-warp as it only seems like a couple of days have passed!  But its been almost two weeks where I have done little 'paid' work,not slept much, havent done anything for xmas - not even bought a card! 

After connecting with a beautiful soul at the last retreat I did a couple of weeks ago, we have spent many days practising rituals, pujas, cobra breath exercises - very intense at times, with wonderful food, laughter and yes, a few tears mixed in as well!    I cant talk about it all too much but I have learned so much and experienced such beautiful energies..it is a journey I wish to go deeper into.    But now, back to 'normal' life at least for a few days until Christmas!

Christmas I feel is cancelled this year - I am snowed in now with enough food (hopefully) to keep me going for a week.  If I am honest, my thoughts have not been present entirely..I have been allowing my mind to wander into the past, past loves, past Christmas time and its shaken me the depth of sadness I still feel.  Pretty annoying too..but I wont beat myself up too much.  Life is the way it is...  I have food, (even some wine!) and enough paperwork, tax return and filing to keep me occupied for days!  That coupled with sledging albeit on my own will keep me busy and hopefully away from such meloncholy thoughts!  AHHH!  I also have you my dear blog!


Now for a cuppa!

Freedom! Hair chopped, cutting of past energies...an epipheny

Had my hair cut yesterday which for those of you that know me better, can be a bit of thing.. I like my long hair..and what with illness, stress and a rogue hairdresser earlier this year...I've done nothing but moan about my hair for months!  Yesterday, went to a new one..who talked through it all, cut it so it looked better...and was reassured that it would all be ok again with a couple of months!  mainly due to the rogue hairdresser cutting too many layers in last time!   its actually very healthy!

So... feel so much better...and went out last night to a beautiful concert by Nigel and Carolyn from Dartmoor...  so lovely..I meditated a lot, sank in and watched the pictures of Dartmoor Stones and woods...with lovely thoughts of times past there, past loves etc etc.....

An epipheny mometn earlier whilst washing up of all things!   Hands in suds.. I suddenly thought...and said out loud.. F***... what a fool you have been woman!!   I suddenly had a flash of some of the discussions I had had with the ex, comments he had made and I had listened, accepted them and..stayed!  too long!   So compromising myself and my truth!  I deserved and do deserve better!  He is a good man, lovely, sensitive, adorable BUT not ready to be in relationship with me..it is possible for us to fall in love and not be able to stay together.. 

So...  had let him go already,, but now..even more cutting of the chords that tie...  no more shrines to love that has gone!  I love here and now..this moment....  wonderfully freeing...  went into the woods..  So different now that all the leaves are on the ground, still so beautiful and full of energy...  i slipped on my bum twice in the mud - in the same place.  Tinkering going on in there I am sure.   I took some new pics of the wood last week which I will post on here... some have spotten tree spirits in the photos..can you see them?  An amazing Yoni in a tree trunk too.....beautiful!

Surrender..Love..Truth of Life.

A sister sent me this poem yesterday.. such truth!  

I will love you unconditionally.
Every day I will let you go.
You are free my love.
...Where so ever you tread
I will love you.
In whoever's arms you may lay
I will love you.
Whenever you come to me
I will honour every moment
as a gift of new-ness
unexpected.
I will hold you in my arms
as if it were our first time.
My heart is ever open.
There is only Love.

~Yuri Leitch ~

This says more about what is occuring in my life right now than anything else I could write....

Loving connections, Foraging Feast and re-connections...

Had an amazing weekend away..with friends 'old' and 'new'...  Was wonderfully held and loved by man which enabled me to reach a depth in loving that I have not had for a while now in a physical way.  I felt the clearing and release of emotion and past that had built up inside as he moved and we surrendered to the depth of loving.  I left feeling more 'woman', lighter, and enlivened..

The Foraging Walk was brilliant - a few hours exploring woods by the coast with a bunch of great people and two very knowledgable and interesting leaders..  Learnt such a lot and managed to bring home some Porcelain mushrooms and Cep Mushrooms - apparently very sought after!  both were delicious in my tea tonight!  Will definately go down to do some more work with these guys.   www.eatweeds.co.uk http://www.foragingcourses.com/

Then returning home last night, to meet up with Milo who had been taken care of by my ex..they had had a wonderful weekend together with loads of walks - wearing Milo out - which is much appreciated!  Bittersweet meeting..  so wanted to not have feelings for him, but of course I do still.  He treated us to some supper which was delicious and he opened up a lot - he is certainly on a journey of his own right now.. and its right that he is on his own to do it.. So much opening up, releasing of the past and letting go.. moving on in so many ways.  Obviously there is sadness that I am not part of it, but really touched by how he is opening to life, trusting life more..and grateful for the part I did play in his opening to the journey.

I have to trust life too..of course She know what she is doing!

Herbs, Steroids..exes!

Another crappy nights sleep - its been ages since I had a good nights sleep..  last night though, I had a temperature,headachy and thoughts of exes!  bah!

Taking some herbs prescribed to me by a herbalist...and then starting a weeks course of Steroids..couldnt stand the sstruggle to breathe and cope with no sleep any more.  feel a little disappointed in myself as I feel I ought to just go with the herbs and get through it..but...  the steroids are only for a week!

Met with the ex last night to give him Milo to look after for the weekend whilst I am away...bittersweet meeting.  Still as gorgeous to me as ever, I still love him!  Bloomin annoying - it would have been perfect to have not felt anything when I was with him..so hard!    Hes shifting loads, moving, going through lots of past death stuff..he needs to the journey on his own I see that.. 

So up early..going to pack my stuff, get ready for the drive down to Devon...  a weekend of loving, friends and foraging!  I'm going on a foraging course during my stay - cant wait!

Potent Planet Mercury...how different do I feel!

Wow...  I don't recognise myself compared to where I was last week...  So much stronger, centered, together, and well... determined or focused maybe is a better word!

Although breathing issue still there, I can do things. walk, talk to people, get on with life!  Released so much it feels...  just had my feet done by a podiatrist... amazing similarities between us.  Similar age, similar story, partner left her on Good Friday.. so many couples I have heard split up on that day!  What was going on in the planets on that day!  Good connection anyhow...possibility of joining local women's group in the next village...well an excuse for a girls get together in the pub! 

A couple of days ago, was talking to a friend and admitted my constant longing, unreal thoughts, in both waking and sleeping moments...  it was good to get it out how I feel.  Nothing to be done with it, its fine and the next day, breathing is better!  coincidence or the Vitamin D working, hormones balanced out after period, had a virus???  healing crises to a treatment I had?  who knows??!!?? 

Astrologically, Mercury is coming into play right now... so getting our acts together, bringing us ingenuity on a stalemate situation which shows a way through, confidence, positivity, inspirations...oooo all good, all good...

bring it on!

X

Aches, Pains, Nature and pig massage!

Not sure what to entitle this entry?  Anyway, after sitting in satsang with Bernie Prior last night, went home with the onset of a migraine/headache thing...it continued all night and this morning when I awoke, I felt like I had been hit by a bus!  The back of my neck was so painful...  a friend of mine who I spoke to later was experiencing the same thing...

So, I took the dogs into the wood, and allowed myself to be held by the trees, placing my spine and head against the bark, and closing my eyes.   Feeling the pain intensify and seemingly get worse..  So I sat and just listened to the birds and the water in the stream, noticing butterflies and ladybirds going about their business.

As I left the woods, I picked some peppermint for some tea and felt much better but tired.  Going through the orchard, one of the pigs started to follow me and nudge me gently (freaking Milo out!), until I stopped, and she lay down asking me for a massage - I obliged and she drifted off into pig dream land!  Beautiful Lady!

I've just opened my door to the sunshine, and there are loads of butterflies on the last of my buddlia.  I am so grateful for life.

I had a brief conversation with someone from the farm today...he was joking (well half joking) about his relationship wtih his wife...saying that he had had to cook his own breakfast etc...  I cant remember what I said but he looked at me..and said, there is no magic in our marriage any more....  that hit me..and I replied, well its up to you to show your wife, love her.. and he replied.. no, I have given up!    God, so sad... these comments were made in jest but there is a seriousness to them too....  they are from a different generation, where making do, just 'living' a day to day ..well just existing!   the whole thing really struck me...how different I am endevouring to live and demand....

New connections, Exploring...blackouts!

Not written for a while..been exploring a new connection with a beautiful, opening, young man that I met a short while ago...he has stayed a few days and its been wonderful to be 'seen', nourished and honoured by the masculine principle.  It is something that I needed at this time to remind me that man can see and love the goddess and adore pure femininity..  I have flowered!    Whilst neither of us can see potential for a 'relationship' in a romantic sense...we acknowledge that there is something that connects us in whatever way that unfolds..  

This morning I passed out at the hospital..I was just having a regular check up..and whilst the nurse was talking to me, I realised that I was starting to leave the body...  I started to heat up, voices echoing around..and sinking fast... but I fought it and asked for a biscuit or something to bring me back..  they didnt get chance..  the blackness came up on me suddenly and I just disappeared..

Its been many years since I have fainted (probably before I had my near death)..I have had some close calls. but this is the first time, I went all the way..since I experienced oneness, the absolute...  and you know.. it was a powerful experience.  Similar to going into the blackness through meditation say, but it enveloped me quicker..and I was not 'conscious' of entering the blackness.. 

Anyway... as I 'came back'... the jouney came back first through hearing voices again, and then faces peering at me and I seemed to be fighting something to get to the faces....it took me ages to make it through that tunnel and very painful!   Then I cried..realising I had disappeared but had come back!

A crash team had been called as I had stopped breathing for longer than the average faint.... I realised yet again, I had stopped breathing..  ironically all happened in the chest clinic, where they are looking at what is causing my breathing issues!   I go to tick the boxes and you never know they just might find something physical...but in truth I know..its down to me and my choosing on some level.

These wonderful bodies...my wonderful body.. that has been touched so beautifully, felt such wondrous beauty..with the power for health or creation of dis-ease...  AARRGGHHH!!!  Why do I keep wanting escape! 

Lurgies, Dreams, Lions..

Disturbed night of feeling rubbish with sore throat, headache, runny nose....and many dreams..

The last dream stayed with me the most. I was sharing a house with the ex and his ex partner..all living together. He gradually got more distance until one day he said I must go..but she asked me to stay, that I was needed, that he would soften. He didnt, and as i was packing up my room, she was cleaning the windows repeating to me I must stay! Outside in teh garden, there was some sort of workshop happening..all these women were being trained how to put their heads into a lions head.. there were all these lions on the grass and the women were taking it in turns! Eventually, he came back to me (I was picking up cutlery off the floor) and said what will it take to help you leave....all the time, she was behind him saying stay... I woke up then, realising that there had always been three in the relationship, he had never stopped loving her, couldnt let her go..even though she had clearly moved on herself. He kept hold of her energetically and it had always been around...

So..if anyone knows of the significance of the lions etc, please let me know.. they feel significant!

I have delayed going off to Devon for another day... I feel unwell so will take it easy today, visit the woods maybe, and have one more night in my own bed before heading off...

Bleeding, nurturing, lurgies and dates!

Went really deep into my bleed yesterday.. the pain on this cycle was intense and really just wanted to be still and bleed on the earth..surrender to the pain and sink into it. I couldnt concentrate on any 'work', so re-arranged all my plants, pots etc and felt heaps better once I'g gotten my hands in the soil.

Got around to looking at the many emails/calenders I have about the astrological stuff this week..and apparently for all cardinal signs like myself, this period of time marks the beginning of a significant couple of years that will later be recognized as the beginning of a new chapter. Hmmm!! Fate will be expected to pull some more proverbial rugs from under more entrenched feet! (I am a capricorn goat!)... what more!?!?!? I have no rugs left to pull? mm. should i have said that?

So today, I woke up with a cold coming, my nose is all peppery, I have a sore throat and not really with it. Even so, I have done some errands on town, distributed some posters for an event/talk, chatted to a few people...and.. had a date! yes, a date! Nice enough guy but oh, I would so chew him up in pieces.. he was so painfully shy. Anyway, I practiced my 'leaning back', and had a lovely hour or so over lunch.

Of course, I have come back with thoughts of the ex again..no-one esle will match up..bla bla bla.... ugh! I wont listen to all this though...its so unreal.. moving on..

Festival..Heathrow Dash..Clarity again...

Cambridge folk festival was good.. discovered a couple of new bands that I enjoyed.. although overall, I found the whole experience hard going. In hindsight, perhaps it wasnt such a good idea..this was mixing in the scene that the ex was in..some of the bands he introduced me to were playing and I found myself thinking about him a lot..plus I started to bleed heavily whilst I was there... I do feel right now that I need to also let go of the circles/scene he moved in.

On the way home, I got a call for an emergency pick up of a friend that had become stranded at Heathrow.. and we stayed in a hotel togetehr overnight...and today, we spent the day sharing, talking and eating at a service station picnic area on the M40! My bleed allowing me to soften, and surrender more easily.. at times, the energy of the bleed today has been immense...stopping me in my tracks. We spent the afternoon sitting on the grass which was the closest I could get to bleeding on the earth!

After dropping her off at the airport again, I drove home with some more clarity and sense of peace.. I played Peruquois and Praful new track which has moved me since the first time I heard it in concert..and sang and sang.. as I got closer to where he lives up the M40, I sank within deeper and sang louder and louder..pouring the lvoe that I feel out through the open windows...knowing he would hear..

This sounds as though it was painful today.. you know it wasnt.. I was beaming, smiling in gratitute for what I had received, what we had shared. I said thank you to the countryside we walked in, which I could now see across the motorway..thank you for all the sights, smells, new places we had explored..the new depths, the love that we had shared.

I love and so I let go... love has to be free.. a mother lets go of her children when they old enough to leave home... to prevent them would not be loving and would prevent them growing... To hold on to love that is not free will quickly turn that love into something not true and resentment.

I saw today that he did not have a choice really in leaving.. on some level, he knows he has his own journey to take and I have mine too. For either of us to try to stifle the others' journey out of willfullness would be dishonouring of the love we shared. There is a divine plan in all this.. I trust that. And there is a man who can reflect to me as deep and even deeper.. Now although I have seen this clarity before, this felt more 'concrete' for want of a better word.

Friendship? this I am not clear on yet, I am friends with another ex partner, but that has taken some time to pass to get to that place. However, I am more mature in consciousness now, would I be able to spend time and not get all caught up in emotions - I dont know?

As I drove past the town, I thanked again in love, blew a kiss, and then repeated the cd again and again... singing, shouting and visualising the cutting of all attachments and ties...welcoming the new.

MMMMM! X