Soooo long! Stone circles, revisiting the past...again!!

Oh...its been a long long while..  So much has happened, changed, ..so quickly, I haven't been able to keep up with things to write them on here.  Its been hard enough to keep on top of it all day to day...maybe you all have been experiencing stuff so much, you are spinning!

It seems to have been a time for me to revisit much of my past, in terms of health and relationships.  I have had a few gatherings at my place which have been in themselves, mini retreats and I have also visited inside Stonehenge again and beloved Avebury too.

Some pics from Stonehenge at Starlight are attached - a stunning night, lying in amongst the stones in our small group and watching one of my sisters in her delight of experiencing it all for the first time.

My father has been unwell for a couple of months..its been hard to watch his deterioration and vulnerability but humbling to be able to help him, support him and mum.  That has brought up stuff about losing them physically and also how it will be on my own without them being around as there is no other family.  He's a little better right now, so hopefully over the worse.

A visit to Avebury to be with some friends in amongst the stones for a birthday turned out to be a serendipitous (fave word!)  day.   Randomly meeting an ex as I was leaving and then spontaneously sharing a few lovely hours talking and enquiring about life.  It was amazing to hear him speak of his realisations and how he yearns to fulfill his life's purpose or destiny.  Beautiful to watch him go with a renewed connection to that that had opened in him and his determination to follow his heart and take that leap!  On with his journey whatever he decides. 

I've had a couple of episodes of hemorrhaging badly..have got into what could have been the most embarrassing situations.  But to me, it was life...there was nothing I could do but surrender.    No surprise that I have since become anemic again...so find myself building myself up with iron tablets again and looking for ways to stem my bleeding, given I am also on blood thinners!  

It felt like I was literally being drained of my life force, of life..a real clearing out of the past in my womb.  Maybe connected to my visit to the sacred circles?   This is a repeat of what happened a year or two after I first awakened.  This time it is also bringing up stuff around my miscarriages, my femininity, my fertility and purpose as a woman on a human, physical level.

Having been resting up and hibernating a little, I have been able to finalise my book.  Reading through and writing the final chapter, allowing me to delve so much deeper, uncovering things that I thought had been cleared.

It has now been sent off to the Publishers and things have since gone a bit quiet!

I have been going through a bit of stuff about whether I actually want my story out there.  I got a lot of flack for starting a blog and writing as I do, what will my book do?  People that haven't gone through a similar journey can be quite judgmental and what I write can push peoples buttons, push their conditioning and boundaries.   Am I ready for that challenge?    Hey, that is my life you might say, I have that in any case...but this feels more 'out there'.    I have been having my doubts that I can actually do this.  Once it is on the net as an ebook, its there forever.  It feels like whatever I may want to do in the future, it might come back to bite me?  But then I reason, well I don't hide my past in any case from anyone?  I am who I am!   hmmmmm....

In any case, the publisher guy has gone quiet!!  Yes, my story is revealing, revealing about me and my life..but it also (hopefully) allows the reader to see something else, a deeper meaning, to feel some truth in how they live their own life or how they could live their life fully, in truth.  We will see how it all transpires.  I had hoped to have it all done by the time I visit Ireland in a couple of weeks but we will see.

I am going on a short retreat, staying with an Irish sister, hopefully visiting some stone circles and today I heard Amma is going to be over there at the same time as well.  Maybe a visit to see her as I haven't seen her for many years.    I cant wait to feel the land, breathe the Irish air and spend some time away from here.

Namaste.

X

Neglected Blogging... Hello!

Hello!  Well I lay down with my laptop about to final edit my book...but was drawn to write a blog post instead.  I have neglected my blog for a few months..there has been so much transforming and happening that I couldn't keep up with what was occurring to write about it. 

Now though, I am house bounded again, this time with a broken foot..yes the health and bodily stuff continues for me!  I was just about recovering from a DVt, beginning to get fit again and I tripped over some broken concrete...been hobbling around for two weeks before I got x rayed and discovery of broken bone!  I laughed!  Seriously!?!

For those that follow my Facebook page, you will know that I have had random visits from pigeons wrecking my lounge, a lightening strike in my cottage that knocked out my router, a continuous bleed from my womb which resembled a horror movie massacre at times..also beautiful gatherings of friends for well dressings, birthdays and profound sharing retreats at my place.  Another piece of past, part of history being let go of...the off grid chalet where I had many wonderful memories as well as grief for our lost babies..may the energy of the chalet garden continue to touch and give peace to those who visit.  (Picture of Chalet Garden with gift of flowers layed when I left for the last time)

This has been a time of acceptance that I have no control over anything.. that I have to be who I AM.. and not be concerned with what others think about me.  This has been challenging when it comes to potential intimate relationships, friendships, family and people that enter 'my' life. I hardly sleep yet I am fully awake!  It truly is time to put my head up, stand tall (albeit with crutches!) and follow up my knowing. 

Everytime I have tried to edit the book or write something, the power has gone, my laptop has died and instead I have been laying in my garden looking at the birds and the clouds.  I have been reading an amazing book called "how to be sick".. Written by someone with auto immune disease.. She shares much of the same philosophies as I do..truly inspiring and worth a read.

I also discovered an American tv series called 'under the dome' , based on a Stephen king novel (please no one tell me what happens!). It's got me hooked as it intrigues me with the sci fi aspects and effects and towards the end of series one, there is the birth of a single Monarchy Butterfly.. It flutters around the key characters in the story.  So beautiful and a powerful.  It's a message of transformation for those living under the dome.

Reminded me of the butterflies I greeted in Tuscany last year, sleeping in Room 11, The Butterfly room, of the butterfly that flew around my legs as I was speaking in a heart share group and then flew from under my skirt....  This summer, I have planted a pot of nasternums next to my Buddha..especially for the butterflies to lay their eggs...giving the caterpillars nourishment when they hatch.    This afternoon I noticed that the front of the book 'how to be sick' also has a butterfly on it.   

It is time to care for my cocoon once more...refresh, renew, nourish and transform... 

I will be returning to Tuscany in a couple of weeks. 

Namaste

X

Sent from my iPad

Year End...Grateful thanks....

Been an age since I last wrote!  Unfortunately the health issues have continued and I did end up with some blood clots in my leg to deal with along with an on going cold.    Luckily the clots were in the superficial veins but they were still very painful...it was very empowering though to be able to do my own heparin injections in my tummy! 

It's a weird time of year for me...it seems there are always beginning and endings around Christmas time.  Throughout my life I have noticed that that period between Xmas and New year, separations or drama of some sort happen..and in each late February, early spring, a new beginning or change of some sort comes into my life.  It's actually quite magical if it wasn't so bloody painful at times.  I always hope that that year is the last year that the pattern repeats.    My first ever relationship..with my birth mother ended soon after birth with a separation.  Between Xmas and new year she was preparing to give birth to the daughter she already knew she was giving up for adoption eight weeks later. 

A new Being entered my life briefly early Winter then disappeared over Christmas.  That fleeting romance showed me so much.  It showed me how I had built a wall of resistance and distrust of man..I had built in a radar to hunt out 'controlling' behaviours and it was astonishing (and actually sickening) to watch me on the look out for the slightest hint of such behaviour.  I knew it wasn't my true self though as I could witness it as from my ego self...based on past projection...I was honest and vulnerable in my sharing of this...bless him, his true masculinity in holding that space.

This man got through that wall with perseverance and gradually I let down my guard..I stepped in fully.  Although  it was for only a short time..it was amazing.  Maybe I was a fool, duped or even 'played' given the outcome...maybe my initial doubts were actually founded...I will never know.  However, the lesson was about remaining open to love, trusting and I will endeavour to not re build that wall again when the times comes.  So thank you..you know who you are.  :)

2013 was a siginificant year for my spiritual growth..obviously attending a retreat in Tuscany and a visit to Assisi.  My meeting with St Francis and my return to 'the masters feet' as it were.  The master being source or god, not any particular deity or teacher..the absolute.  It was also where I realised myself and truly became one with everything. 

I have written a book about my journey but have been unsure how to complete the ending. Initially, it was to end at that point in Tuscany when I had re dedicated my life to, serving Source..but Source then 'pushed' me into the path of the masculine, showing me to serve unconditionally, to surrender completely and go beyond any body mind attraction, for the sake of, the whole, for humanity, for evolution.    This was a whole new ball game for me..to be with a man I was not drawn to physically..beyond any body mind identity...it has happened twice this year.

I continued to write about this, about how the feminine presence opened and invited, about her sadness and her compassion for the masculine who cannot meet her....but of course, there is no clear cut 'ending', no official finish line, the journey continues. So  I feel that the book will end at Tuscany, I cannot delay or procrastinate it any longer and I aim to get it 'out there' very soon..

So, thank you to all the readers of my blog...I am so honoured and grateful that you share in my journey.

Let's look forward to 2014...whatever life throws at us... Bring it on!

"KNOW GOD, KNOW PEACE, KNOW YOURSELF!"  XXX

Overdue Blog...dark night of soul despair to joy. :)

It has been a long while since I last wrote.  Much has transpired and I needed to surrender to it all and I didn't want to write publicly.  I did still write for myself as that is what I do..and I have brought into this piece the 'ramblings' of the last month or so..

I have had to face numerous health issues...it seems that life wanted me to re-explore health concerns from the past and I have gone through many tests, numerous visits to consultants from different disciplines..blood clots, eye problems, cervical cancer, trachea narrowing, knee injury.  As one letter of appointment or concern after another dropped through my door, I sank deeper and deeper.. 

During this period, I also travelled through a journey of  'spiritual' crises and experienced dark night of the soul stuff.  This was to be celebrated...accepted...  I had been brought to my knees once more..I am blessed.

I felt so alone and yet knew I was not separate.  I felt outside, in excile, in madness, caught between the old and the new possibilities.  Projects were not coming through, my life felt stuck and I felt inadequate.  I couldnt go back..I would not quit.  Along with those feelings of depression, I remembered the unending divine connection..I am that...

Physically as well, my body was screaming..Every muscle, bone and cell seemed to ache so deep that there was no way to get relief and I was so tired all the time.  I was and still am spinning out as if I have vertigo.  I had to travel many miles to appointments and have unpleasant tests undertaken.  Milo had his dog walkers, my mum helped with shopping, I felt like I would never surface..It took tremendous energy not to get into 'poor me' stuff. 

My teacher, satsang, books, positive thoughts, friends, possessions, money, music, meditations, even distractions could not not relieve it.    Suicide ..not even that...absurd..pills from the doctor for depression...no way, I am beyond this body mind and I didn't want to be robbed of the experience, be numbed in any way.

I trusted in what was happening, knowing it was necessary..I had to surrender to it and just 'be'.  After the blissful presence I had entered at Tuscany, I knew that I didn't need to 'feel" that bliss in order to be it.  I had to stay with the knowledge of it..it took tremendous energy and devotion.   My beloved teacher told me it was the integrative process and It was something not to be rushed...I knew there would be light again.

The majority of the health concerns turned out okay...I had a knowing they would be fine.  But its a real test when you are getting told my various 'professional's that they see something amiss, even though you dont believe it. 

I had experienced these feelings of despair and loneliness before when I returned from my first ever residential retreat and had my first realisations but that was many many years ago. That time I was married and surrounded by family..but still felt so alone.  There was much concern from loved ones who didn't know what to do and I didn't know at the time what was happening to me.

It's a time when you don't belong in the old way of life, yet you don't fit in any other reality either, the new life.  We are told that this is a path of joy and yet my life felt empty..and yet again there is also a knowledge that you cannot go back...that would be like going to prison.

There has to be acceptance first, trust and the knowledge that there is no separation, that I am that absolutely..regardless of how it looks or feels.

Slowly the darkness has dispersed..catching glimpses of light and hope.  Negative thoughts that had previously washed over me as soon as I opened my eyes could no longer take hold..once more I could breathe!  Friends have come and supported me in so many ways.. helped around the house, with Milo, feeding me or just staying with me.. virtual friends from lands afar have listened to my rants and in turn threw light in some very dark places as we share similar health challenges.   I thank all my angels!  X  I have re organised my house, got it in order, chucked out so much 'stuff' on so many levels, getting myself out to communicate with new people.....ready for the new...here it comes!  :)

:)

Bringing you all up to date..I have experienced much laughter these last few days...it's been amazing, powerful, beautiful, emotional and I admit even a little scary to catch myself smiling randomly.  Much energy has and is being transformed and I am blessed and grateful to all around me, old friends and to new beings arriving in my life!  :)


Sunny, crisp, frosty Autumnal day today..magical....ahhh...deep breath!   Here goes....to how life unfolds!  :)

Namaste

Lissy.x

Never ending deepening, fully living regardless of the body!

I have just returned from another retreat with Bernie...yet again I am amazed at the depths I am touching..it truly is endless.  Even as I re listened to the audio yesterday, there was an even deeper knowing, from another point, another level of being...it's like I am a giant kaleidoscope - I am!  This is so hard to put into words! 

I cried with the enormity of this multi dimensional reality, the vastness and the responsibility of knowing that....and then I can hear a call for 'more..ready for the next'..which makes me laugh at the same time as the crying!

Seeing  the potential for the evolution of humanity..It is a choice less choice now...I give over everything!  Thy will be done!

In amongst all this, this body mind is doing it's thing...hospital next week as there is some concern about my trachea again...I will go, take the tests, listen to the consultants views.  And yet I feel wonder filled!  I have not 'felt' this well for a long time regardless of what may appear on scans of this body!   

I get on with life..and allow it to move me...

Amongst the many many things I heard at the weekend with Bernie, one discussion that humbled me which seems fitting for this blog entry is transcribed below:

"He is shattered..I am shattered...what a wonderful state...there is pain in my body..I am wonderfully shattered.  I get on a plane and the shattering says "I can't do this" ... I say "p off shattering, I am going".  I will attend to it when I have time to.

Get in your new body...do you really think you need to look after your body..?  Yes I do when I do...but the real looking after your body is being true.  Whilst you are being true, the very genetics of humanity are being changed by a higher power. 

Any realiser has something happening in their body.  There have been some great realisers that have died of all manner of cancers and things.  Things move in the body when you begin to become who you really are...there is transformation on every level.  So look after your body but live fully!"


A life threatening blood clot woke this one up..suddenly!  Such transformation took place at that time, it changed my life utterly and completely. It led me to search for more and I then met Bernie.  At my first retreat with Bernie, I entered the cosmos, the deathband and realised immortality.  Shortly after that, a few months of living with him, I was diagnosed with severe anaemia..the doctors were puzzled because they couldn't find a cause for it, nor could they understand how I was even walking as the blood count was so low.  Bernie told me they would never find the cause - as my DNA had changed.  This I now know.. On so many levels.

Illness and unusual diagnoses have been a major part of my journey...they have led me to so many paths, situations and people that I wouldn't have encountered otherwise.  Such transformation is a gift.  I am grateful  for all of it! 

So!  If Bernie can get on an airplane exhausted with his body calling for rest..then I can also...it is what I am being called to do!    

Namaste
X

ps.  Bernie is now in South Africa with a team of teachers of The Form that have been sharing CosmoForm around the townships.  I have been so in awe by how they are touching many in this way...truly humbling.  Please check out what are they doing here:

http://www.cosmoforminitiative.org/

More healing....

Another Long absence from blogging.... Have been healing nicely hopefully..building up my stamina and fitness slowly.

Still lots of stuff surrounding motherhood occurring. A little while ago an ex client of mine asked me if I would do some reflexology on her, to induce her labour. She was a little overdue and I had helped her in this way before. I was hesitant due to my fitness and energy levels but synchronicities kept happening between us as so I agrees to do it as a friend. I was intrigued as to whether I would be able to intuit the energy...And it was amazing.. I found that I could communicate directly with the baby, feel its spine and head..gently encouraging it to ease into the world. Beautiful experience.

 And then I met an ex partner of mine and his girlfriend at the chalet we both still share. We initially bought the chalet after travelling in Europe and I fell pregnant and needed a base in the uk. It was all we could afford to live in and it was to be our family base. Sadly, I lost that baby, together with a handful of other souls whilst living there. To see him and his partner at the chalet, bringing in new energy into the space was bittersweet. Of course, it is wonderful, she is a beautiful, blossoming mother and when I hugged her and her bump, there was nothing but love and sisterhood between us..but then as we all sat looking at the river, talking...I couldn't help but notice a stirring within, of sadness and loss. It wasn’t until later that day, when I sent him an email, the emotions and grief surfaced and released. In my sharing of this in my email...whilst the sensitivity of it could Have been a source of separation, it has actually become a source of connection. Remarkable...and humbling.

 In amongst the last couple of weeks, there has been little cocooning... I have been away, visiting friends, trying Out new things, new connections :), exploring ideas on healing, attending events and having friends stay with me. Seems very busy and It has been. Seems that life didn't want me to hibernate in my cocoon after all..even ejected me one night with flickering a light on and off whilst I was trying to sleep in there!  Spooky Friday 13th Phenomena.

I have been inspired by watching the healing matrix movie, about quantum physics..the 'new' science that says that all disease and illness is caused by distortion in our energy field...and with intention, this can be transformed. Many doctors and scientists speaking of their particular modality...much impressive research. I do feel like I am On some sort of hamster wheel though... Haven’t I done that, been there? Got frustrated..and of course, that very Frustration is a negative emotion that can cause distortion! Aarrrrgghhh!

More surrender and acceptance....

In any case, I am researching each of the modalities’ it talks about, have written to the doctors and scientists Based in the uk.. Will see if any particular one draws me... I just know there is a key there somewhere..

Will feed back on this soon..

Namaste X

Mixed emotions....

A bit of everything thrown in the last few days....  I am feeling tired and achey.   A few days to relax and chill before the many tests/scans booked over the next few weeks - its sunny and bright outside but I am scared and tearful.  I dont really want to cry as it will make my eyes sore - they are already sore from being so tired...holding it in.

I've tried to keep positive and concentrate on the 'good' stories on the net but I cant help noticing some of the dire outcomes for Lupus sufferers - its scary.   I am not afraid of death - have been close to it before BUT even so, it makes me go dizzy thinking about what may be in store for me.  So premature as well - I need to have more blood tests for final decision yet - its so ridiculous that I am allowing my mind, fear to get in and cause havoc.    Blood clotting disorders, RP thrown in as well - I feel its all out of my control - which of course it is on some level!

I've also been looking at the dilemma of going against my 'belief's' and 'principles' in finally going down conventional treatment route...  I still have that belief that I can 'reverse' this thing, that we can heal ourselves, good diet, good living etc etc...... not wanting to get into the cycle of 'pharmaceuticals' masking symptoms, the side effects etc.  Also I buy into all the conspiracy theories that talk about mass vaccinations, big corporate influence, chem trails, fluoride in the water issues etc etc....and here I am about to step into that whole world.  Then again - there again, there is no separation, all is part of the whole, of god, the one!  And then I think that had I been in a different culture, different period in time, then I wouldnt have survived to this age - I'd have been picked off a long time ago.

Not sure if that gets across what the dilemma is within me.

I want a hug, I want to be held right now. 

Life has put me in a place that I am alone for a few days though - so maybe I will cuddle Milo, meditate, love myself - that is what I must do. All perfect - I have to keep reminding myself!

Diagnosis at last! Mixed feelings and Big Ben!

Following a visit to a specialist in London today, I finally got a diagnosis of RP (Relapsing Polychondritis)!   After a journey of nearly 7 years and numerous tests, consultants and alternative therapists scratching their heads, my GP suspecting RP for 2 years and my push to see the 'God of RP' recently, it seems that there is no doubt.    I show all the classic signs and a blood test carried out a while ago, (the result not investigated further by local consultants) it is the only explanation.

There was a sort of disbelief at first - and I asked him to repeat what he thought.  For the first time, a man in a white coat was prepared to state what he thought and was telling me that it was necessary to treat now before it got any worse and possibly too late.   Relief!  Finally, someone had listened to how debilitating my symptoms are sometimes and someone that saw that it really couldn't be left any longer.

I didnt have many questions then, I'd researched enough to know that this was a rare and progressive auto-immune disorder.   This man had the most patients in the country under his supervision (35) and I have already connected with support groups on the net.  Whilst not particularly the result I 'wanted', I could have got worse diagnosis.  I listened to the ordering of scans, biops and blood tests and booked another appointment for 6 weeks time.  My local GP and Consultant will be sent instructions as to the plan of action.

After shaking his hand, I walked to another building to have the basketful of tubes of blood to be taken and left the hospital.

Walking across the bridge, noticing that one of the London Eye cages was missing and then to the Houses of Parliament.  I don't think I'd ever stood in front of them before...it was coming up to 12 noon and I realised that Big Ben was about to boom!   Suddenly I got into tourist mode, rang my mum and made her listen to the familiar sound before telling her my news.    We didn't talk for long, the energy of London, the cars, the people and the noise was getting too much.

The questions began to arise on the journey on the Tube, to the car, back home - I have time to write these down and ask for clarification.  I was so grateful for my love to have taken me into the City, to have sat by me, taking in what was being said to me, commenting on how he saw things.    We were both so exhausted.

Right now, its 3am.  I woke and inevitably have started to think about what is happening.  As my love slept deeply, I began to cry - those tears were so so hot, they burnt!  I didn't wish to wake him or his two children asleep in the house so I have brought myself into the spare room to have tea, biscuits and to write this!

Whilst it is a relief to have a diagnosis and someone that is going to plan a course of treatment - there is mixed feelings in that.  I know there is no cure - the drugs given are likely to just stall the progression and hopefully improve my day to day living.  I already have another rare disorder - Protein S Deficiency which I have lived with for many years.  That disease enabled me to move into a more conscious way of living and transformed my life.  Maybe this is my next 'transformation'.

My tears are for the 'unfairness' I feel, the fear of what is to come, what they still might find from the tests, fear of how this will effect my loved ones, my friends and the sick feeling that I might not be able to do or have the things I yearn for in life.  I just looked up at the ceiling and let out my 'lissy sigh' at myself!  Shaking my head now because I know that I can get through this and see the whole thing as 'experience', a way for me to more conscious of the present, more appreciative of the moment - I've been doing that since my blood clot.   On some level I have chosen this experience, for some reason my body, my immune system has decided to go into this pattern - so I flow with what is -  as best as I can.

I had typed "my hope that maybe my immune system might reverse this pattern its has chosen'..and my laptop crashed and deleted that paragraph.   Ok...  I wont choose the word 'hope' - that is not being the present!  :)

So, whilst my blog has been more and more writing about my day to day life with health issues - I feel that this blog will inevitably change into writing about my experience with an auto-immune problem, a hidden illness and how that gives me the opportunity to experience yet another aspect of the human experience, and deepen in my awakening.  I had just started to wonder if I might start a new blog specifically for  that but then I dont really see that having a label of 'RP' is a separate part of who I am - its all part of the same Journey of Awakening Woman!

Watch this space!

Namaste

X

Phew! Cosmic happenings, energies...energies....powerful stuff.

Yesterday was an amazingly powerful day for me..  Woke up with Period pains..and the prospect of  a days worth of massages to do for a hen party staying on the Farm.    Set my meditation/treatment room up and when I began to start the first massage, my breathing got so bad..it got heavier and heavier, and it felt like the room was getting smaller and the walls closing in.  Heaviness seemed to descend down, shadows drifted around and I became hotter and more agitated.  I had to leave the client half way through, ended it early and explained that there was no way I could continue.  I felt so guilty at letting them all down but there was no way I could physically do them.

Ironically, a friend that could have taken at least some of them over, had fallen down some stairs the day before, so I fought the urge to just crawl into my bed, and telephoned every therapist I knew of..but no one was available.  Feeling guilty and ill, I considered just doing the bride to be..but really couldnt face it.  My head now started to hurt, my vision was going and I felt so sick.      Eventually I did find them a therapist for a few hours which calmed me down somewhat and I lay down and surrendered.

I rested in the meditation/treatment room, the shadows moved around the room..heavy energy.  The back of my neck started to hurt and it felt like there was a mass of 'stuff' descending down onto me and entering my neck.   I felt like I just wanted to escape and leave the planet - how much easier that would be?   A couple of friends talked to me on the 'phone, encouraging me to rest, be with it all...allow and even asked for whatever was happening to be 'stepped down' to a more tolerable level.   That seemed to work, the pain lessened and although energy was still streaming in and through, it was more gentle and I drifted off to sleep, hearing the beat in my ears that I often do.

I awoke and found that I just wanted to ground, went for a short walk, ate and drank a fizzy drink.  I could feel the edge of the 'migraine' just waiting...but it didnt return with anything like the pain I had experienced earlier.   I just didnt feel human really - my body had been taken over. My legs were all tingly, weak and sensitive and I didnt really want to talk to anybody - just hibernated.

Later someone told me that the planet/asteroid Chiron had come into play that morning (although some sites say it comes on 21st?)... I dont know a lot about astrology but it seemed important.  Chiron concerns health and disease and their relationship to our spiritual journey through life.  Health, disease are our teachers, Chiron calls the root cause, the Wound and says that the Wound contains  a gift.  The Healing journey is the process of discovering that gift.   The Wound is healed when the Gift is embraced.    I have yet to find out where Chiron is placed in my natal chart.

Also coming of the New Moon on Sunday - today... and even a thunder storm occuring over the Farm!  Hmmm!!    Powerful stuff!

Full Moon looming.. solar flares...insights and insights...

Full Moon nearly here and energies are moving around.. Apparently there have been some major solar flares happening which are being directed towards Earth! We may see some wonderful light displays in the sky but I feel that many of us are sensitive enough to have felt them anyway.. way beyond the moment they may hit our 'atmosphere'.

This week, I've been on a quest to discover where I need to go with this breathing issue of mine. followed all sorts of paths, including the conventional way.. my GP is now referring me to Rheumatology as it is fairly obvious this is an auto immune not a lung problem.

As you know, I beleive that I can reverse the way my immune system is working..that there is a trigger, a key that I am missing. It was suggested that there may be some sort of spiritual attachment, some cellular memory from an event/emotion/thought that occured around the time my breathing problems started. Whilst i have already looked at what was occuring in my life at the time, I feel that now I need to look deeper, maybe with some assistance.. even look to the period just before.. This feels right. This would put me back into the Community I once lived in, back with my beloved at the time, my teacher..my lover, my spiritual family and home.

I sigh..deep breath... hey.. deep breath!

X

Feedback Sought? Next Step?

Hello blog readers...

Half way through my course of Steroids and I am feeling so much better! The not so nice side effects are almost worth it! My ears have calmed down and to my surprise my breathing is a tiny bit easier! Thats a first with any kind of conventional drug!

I know that the steroid use can only be a temporary measure - I dont want to be on them long term... I know that I can reverse this auto-immune response as I triggered it somehow in the first place..that

Everything i have tried so far has helped me go deeper, get to an issue deep within, a journey if you like, self discovery into the mind, emotional, spiritual body..but still my breathing is an issue. There has to be a key I can reach in there!

I have tried Drugs, Acupuncture, kinesiology, herbs, homeopathy, Buteyko Method, EIS Scan, voice training, meditation, stress relief/relaxation, massage, healing etc.. I am sure I've missed some!

The only thing that has helped is diet..changing to a more vegan diet definately helped with the cancer scares and reduced the number of cartlidge flare ups! Although, this hasnt really helped my breathing in any way.. Tried dairy free, vegan, gluten free, avoiding certain known trigger foods etc etc....

So.. looking at all manner of things..came across The Silva Method, The Journey, NLP, Hypnosis, EFT, Alexandra Technique so far.

If any of you know of any good practitioners, off-the-wall bods that might be worth a visit or have any experience of any of the above, I'd love to hear from you. Anywhere! I'm sitting with it all and seeing if anything 'speaks' to me as to where to go next...

Namaste

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No sleep...breathing terrible...despairing!

Had a wonderful nights sleep the night before - woke up at 10am yesterday - felt great... but last night, paid for that and tossed and turned through the hours! Ear was really painful but it was more my breathing or rather struggle to breathe that kept me awake!

Feel so despairing with it now... seemed to have processed and progressed through all angles of what is going on - on all levels for many years. Tried conventional and non-conventional method's and still it persists! Each time a new path, product, treatment comes my way - I give it my best. What am I to do? Surrender, accept....easier said...I do and I do..but when its your breath, its kinda in your face! Have no idea which way to turn with it now..

I am sure that 'falling off' my vegan diet the last few weeks has triggered my ear - as there is no 'emotional' stress going on right now. But the breathing has come and gone all the while...

I have said before that I believe that we create our illness, disease in our bodies and somehow, I have triggered an over-reaction in my immune system - which I know I can reverse but how to get to that? Each method, treatment, strategy I have tried has been worth it, each in their own has shown me a new depth, a learning of somesort but right now.I am tired..

having got up out of bed as I was close to tears which would only have made my breathing worse, iit helps to sit and write it out...now I fancy cornflakes!

Ah.. the sun is rising...

From CT Scans to Foraging Weekends!

Had my CT scan today - weird sensation.  Being injected with this dye..could feel it surging through my body - warm but had no control over it.  Really disconcerting senstation - of not being in control of something in my own body..  The actual x-ray side of things didnt bother me - but the dye left me feeling a bit out of it and toxic. 

Anyway, feel like times has raced this week - gone so fast.  I've not slept much, tossing and turning with unwanted dreams.  Mainly of love that is no longer here physically - each day, I cut the chords, chop the ties and each night, they get re-attached in dream world.  A sister thought that maybe I am working with that person on some other level..maybe? 

So, off down to wonderful Devon again this weekend, to visit friends for some loving and a forage walk to discover (hopefully) some new plants and mushrooms!   Back soon.

Yay! Breath still 'quiet' and I feel amazing!

Wow!  My body just feels so amazing right now.. I hadnt realised how weak/low it had got!  I'm still getting out of breath when going up stairs/up hills. but its significantly better..and hardly any coughing or husky voice!  Unsure whats made the difference, stricter diet with the added avoidance of tomatoes and onions or the herbs that I've now been taking for two weeks!  Whatever..I love how my body feels...so much so, that its a shame I have no one to share it with right now!

Just been on another walk with the dogs through the countryside.. amazing clear day, with sunshine and blue skies..the autumn colours so striking - it feels like I am in Spain or somewhere.   3 buzzards circled the woods and kept swooping into the valley below..I felt like I wanted to soar with them!   Hugged my sacred trees, sending love and light to my beloved.   I am so thankful to be alive!  My heart is open and singing loud....

Herbs, Steroids..exes!

Another crappy nights sleep - its been ages since I had a good nights sleep..  last night though, I had a temperature,headachy and thoughts of exes!  bah!

Taking some herbs prescribed to me by a herbalist...and then starting a weeks course of Steroids..couldnt stand the sstruggle to breathe and cope with no sleep any more.  feel a little disappointed in myself as I feel I ought to just go with the herbs and get through it..but...  the steroids are only for a week!

Met with the ex last night to give him Milo to look after for the weekend whilst I am away...bittersweet meeting.  Still as gorgeous to me as ever, I still love him!  Bloomin annoying - it would have been perfect to have not felt anything when I was with him..so hard!    Hes shifting loads, moving, going through lots of past death stuff..he needs to the journey on his own I see that.. 

So up early..going to pack my stuff, get ready for the drive down to Devon...  a weekend of loving, friends and foraging!  I'm going on a foraging course during my stay - cant wait!

Potent Planet Mercury...how different do I feel!

Wow...  I don't recognise myself compared to where I was last week...  So much stronger, centered, together, and well... determined or focused maybe is a better word!

Although breathing issue still there, I can do things. walk, talk to people, get on with life!  Released so much it feels...  just had my feet done by a podiatrist... amazing similarities between us.  Similar age, similar story, partner left her on Good Friday.. so many couples I have heard split up on that day!  What was going on in the planets on that day!  Good connection anyhow...possibility of joining local women's group in the next village...well an excuse for a girls get together in the pub! 

A couple of days ago, was talking to a friend and admitted my constant longing, unreal thoughts, in both waking and sleeping moments...  it was good to get it out how I feel.  Nothing to be done with it, its fine and the next day, breathing is better!  coincidence or the Vitamin D working, hormones balanced out after period, had a virus???  healing crises to a treatment I had?  who knows??!!?? 

Astrologically, Mercury is coming into play right now... so getting our acts together, bringing us ingenuity on a stalemate situation which shows a way through, confidence, positivity, inspirations...oooo all good, all good...

bring it on!

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