Neglected Blogging... Hello!

Hello!  Well I lay down with my laptop about to final edit my book...but was drawn to write a blog post instead.  I have neglected my blog for a few months..there has been so much transforming and happening that I couldn't keep up with what was occurring to write about it. 

Now though, I am house bounded again, this time with a broken foot..yes the health and bodily stuff continues for me!  I was just about recovering from a DVt, beginning to get fit again and I tripped over some broken concrete...been hobbling around for two weeks before I got x rayed and discovery of broken bone!  I laughed!  Seriously!?!

For those that follow my Facebook page, you will know that I have had random visits from pigeons wrecking my lounge, a lightening strike in my cottage that knocked out my router, a continuous bleed from my womb which resembled a horror movie massacre at times..also beautiful gatherings of friends for well dressings, birthdays and profound sharing retreats at my place.  Another piece of past, part of history being let go of...the off grid chalet where I had many wonderful memories as well as grief for our lost babies..may the energy of the chalet garden continue to touch and give peace to those who visit.  (Picture of Chalet Garden with gift of flowers layed when I left for the last time)

This has been a time of acceptance that I have no control over anything.. that I have to be who I AM.. and not be concerned with what others think about me.  This has been challenging when it comes to potential intimate relationships, friendships, family and people that enter 'my' life. I hardly sleep yet I am fully awake!  It truly is time to put my head up, stand tall (albeit with crutches!) and follow up my knowing. 

Everytime I have tried to edit the book or write something, the power has gone, my laptop has died and instead I have been laying in my garden looking at the birds and the clouds.  I have been reading an amazing book called "how to be sick".. Written by someone with auto immune disease.. She shares much of the same philosophies as I do..truly inspiring and worth a read.

I also discovered an American tv series called 'under the dome' , based on a Stephen king novel (please no one tell me what happens!). It's got me hooked as it intrigues me with the sci fi aspects and effects and towards the end of series one, there is the birth of a single Monarchy Butterfly.. It flutters around the key characters in the story.  So beautiful and a powerful.  It's a message of transformation for those living under the dome.

Reminded me of the butterflies I greeted in Tuscany last year, sleeping in Room 11, The Butterfly room, of the butterfly that flew around my legs as I was speaking in a heart share group and then flew from under my skirt....  This summer, I have planted a pot of nasternums next to my Buddha..especially for the butterflies to lay their eggs...giving the caterpillars nourishment when they hatch.    This afternoon I noticed that the front of the book 'how to be sick' also has a butterfly on it.   

It is time to care for my cocoon once more...refresh, renew, nourish and transform... 

I will be returning to Tuscany in a couple of weeks. 

Namaste

X

Sent from my iPad

Quiet Breathe! Air filled lungs....aahhhh!!!

What a delightful day!  Sunshine and being able to breathe in a way that I havent felt for so long!  The steroids have I would say kicked in and although no longer taking them, it will brilliant today to be able to walk fast through town, up hill, breathe deep in my belly and 'listen' to my almost silent breathing!  Amazing!   I went for a big walk with the dogs....soaking in the last of the days sunshine...and expressing delight at everything.

Earlier today I went to a family funeral..I'm not religious but my mother is..  We sat together in the crematorium, she singing, praying and crying...I closing my eyes in remembrance of a cousin that used to 'look after me' when I was small.  In later years, we used to bump into each other at car boot sales and compare our bargains...  I watched the outpouring of grief, sadness, tears as we stood outside afterwards, my mum comforting her niece as she sobbed on her shoulder.  I hadnt seen my mum taking that role before - it was weird watching.  I loved how she held her niece tight..  the energy seemed to go through my body into the earth.  Phil - I think of you with gratitude and a smile.

To end the day, I am typing this and it feels so good to not hear my breathing being so laboured...  I choose deep, clear breath.

Another layer of Grief!

Well, today, I feel as though I am completely lost.. having deleted my ex from FB, and receiving an email from him, acknowledging that we needed space apart and hoped we would come out the other end as friends.. So sad..I have cried loads in the car, talked with a couple of friends and parents, all trying to say the right things.. and they do.. but at the end of the day, I dont want to lose this guy from my life. Friends is fine..that will do! ugh! feels horrible and yet somewhere i know that I have been through this before. Feeling that I could not cope without that being in my life, not wanting to let go.. but of course, I moved on.. its natural! It doesnt make this any easier though... I feel sick.

Parents are worried, want me to go to doctors - dont feel thats the right road to take... come home, force myself to eat even though there is nothing in the cupboards really.. and write a huge list.. list of everything I need to do or would like to do... practical stuff like jobs as well as creative stuff... just getting it all down and that has helped.

Just now one of my clients just called.. I treated her earlier this week whilst she is staying in the holiday lodge.. She asked if I would show her how to meditate, de-stress and calm herself... I've never been asked that before..it touched me. Made me laugh internally as I am in such a mess right now myself, how I can teach someone else to cope with stuff... I admitted as much to her.. and said you know what, I didnt do my tai chi or meditation before going out today! But agreed to see her later on in the week to show her some techniques..seems right and it will help me too.

My head hurts and I feel empty..feel sick and tired. I do keep trying to focus on the downsides to that relationship, how it made me feel at the time, the things that really I tolerated which I shouldnt have, even focusing on the fact he cuddled the dog rather than me or allowing me to sleep on the couch.. makes me smile though.. for I forgive.. all is perfect.. and that doesnt help in what I am trying to acheive - detachment.

I keep coming back to the idea of setting up some women's group in my area..a support network, for women having relationship or dating issues as well as single women that feel they are alone or they dont want to go to their usual friends... maybe I ought to follow that one up? I have learned a lot over the last year, have experienced all sorts of stuff surrounding dating, internet dating, men who wont commit, communication issues etc..and have many 'tools'..but somehow I feel I havent got it right, so how I can share these... mmmmm... lets see how it unfolds.

if any of you know of any sister that you feel might benefit from linking up, connecting in someway, virtual or in person.. please pass my details on... this was one of the reasons for setting up this blog.. and I dont want it to become stagnant and just another diary! And let me have your reflections...

Journey's and shifts.....

I went to the woods, and discovered new rambling brooks and twisted trees.. one tree had water flowing from underneath her roots which was amazing to watch and feel. On walking back, on my path was the head of dead bird, I think a crow, with the spinal cord trailing behind.. the rest of the body had gone. As i walked past, a load of wasps came out of it.. mmm.. anyone any ideas?

When I got back to the pc, I thought I was in a still place, but on my screen was updates of my 'friends' on facebook, one of them being my ex, who had decided to list all the gigs, festivals hes going to attend over the coming months... hit me right in the stomach! Felt nauseous, panicky and decided to delete him from my 'friends' list as I just cant do this to my heart any more. This link has to be broken... feel right now a mixture of relief and sadness!

I then followed a lead meditation by a woman inspirational teacher, Rori Raye, who looks into all things to do with relationships, and this particular meditation was about looking at why we attract certain partners...there is a belief that we attract the qualities in others that we dont want to face in ourselves...

So off I went on my inner journey, into a cold, damp, dark cave like place. There was a young girl in there cowering in the corner, wearing white, which had gotten dirty from the living conditions. Her name was Polly, she was afraid, lonely, seemed small, bent over, as if trying to make herself invisible! I was crying throughout the scene.. this girl before me was wearing white but was trying to blend in to the background, trying not to be noticed...in a black cave! She was wary of me, not very approachable and was used to putting people off... Rori talked me through telling her that I was in charge, that I was strong but would she help me.. Polly said, I dont how to help, shaking her head in fear. I held out my arms and hugged her but she didnt respond with any energy..

That felt good writing that all down.. I am still digesting it but it all feels significant...

More letting go.

Another day with friends in Devon, chilling out, eating, talking, playing and eating!

I had a shiatsu session to try to release a frozen shoulder/arm I’ve had for a couple of days. A deep treatment that took me through physical pain, laughter and then tears. The tears always happen when someone works on the leg that had the dvt in it..but the grief is not about that..it goes much further back to something I’ve yet to see. The shoulder didn’t release either!

Many subjects were covered again throughout the day; everything from orbs, fairies, angels, 2012, numerology, mayan stuff, egyption stuff, stone circles, serpent mounds, to dogs, people, music and of course food! It seems that we are all in a very 'new age' period of time...

In the evening, we watched a film..well two in the end. Pretty full on, one that I had to hide behind a blanket for a lot of! However, I got hooked as it was a bit of sci fi and I wanted to know what happened.. the second one a bit of a mystery film.. By the end of the two sessions, I felt drained..and just began to cry..felt really sad and in deep grief. The tears stung my cheeks.. as there was no lights on, no one could see.. and that was fine.. it felt I just needed to get it out quietly..and the whole time, I could also feel my arm/shoulder getting more relaxed.

Deep breathing, closing eyes, remembering that all is perfect...no matter how it appears or feels. The tears ended up wetting my neck and travelling down to my waist – delightful!

Our bodies are amazing really... they hold on to a trauma, emotion until we let go of it..not necessarily in the way you’d anticipate. Grief has many many layers..human emotion can run very deep..right now, it feels I’ve peeled one more layer. I feel a little sick but have a knowing that all is perfect..I just don’t yet see the bigger picture.

So, tomorrow/today, I meet up with another friend, hopefully see the beach before heading home. Must sleep now. X

Gentleness.

Another brief entry..just been reading a beautiful sisters blog : The Journey of A Singing Woman who has just led a womens retreat in Holland.

She talks of a mother who had miscarried a child..she had closed her body, heart, voice and through the retreat opened up once more...   This touched me deeply, soft tears for the three babies I  have also lost...gentle greiving and a heart to heart recognition of another's grief..  Thank you my sisters..


A Journey of The Singing Woman