Well, today, I feel as though I am completely lost.. having deleted my ex from FB, and receiving an email from him, acknowledging that we needed space apart and hoped we would come out the other end as friends.. So sad..I have cried loads in the car, talked with a couple of friends and parents, all trying to say the right things.. and they do.. but at the end of the day, I dont want to lose this guy from my life. Friends is fine..that will do! ugh! feels horrible and yet somewhere i know that I have been through this before. Feeling that I could not cope without that being in my life, not wanting to let go.. but of course, I moved on.. its natural! It doesnt make this any easier though... I feel sick.
Parents are worried, want me to go to doctors - dont feel thats the right road to take... come home, force myself to eat even though there is nothing in the cupboards really.. and write a huge list.. list of everything I need to do or would like to do... practical stuff like jobs as well as creative stuff... just getting it all down and that has helped.
Just now one of my clients just called.. I treated her earlier this week whilst she is staying in the holiday lodge.. She asked if I would show her how to meditate, de-stress and calm herself... I've never been asked that before..it touched me. Made me laugh internally as I am in such a mess right now myself, how I can teach someone else to cope with stuff... I admitted as much to her.. and said you know what, I didnt do my tai chi or meditation before going out today! But agreed to see her later on in the week to show her some techniques..seems right and it will help me too.
My head hurts and I feel empty..feel sick and tired. I do keep trying to focus on the downsides to that relationship, how it made me feel at the time, the things that really I tolerated which I shouldnt have, even focusing on the fact he cuddled the dog rather than me or allowing me to sleep on the couch.. makes me smile though.. for I forgive.. all is perfect.. and that doesnt help in what I am trying to acheive - detachment.
I keep coming back to the idea of setting up some women's group in my area..a support network, for women having relationship or dating issues as well as single women that feel they are alone or they dont want to go to their usual friends... maybe I ought to follow that one up? I have learned a lot over the last year, have experienced all sorts of stuff surrounding dating, internet dating, men who wont commit, communication issues etc..and have many 'tools'..but somehow I feel I havent got it right, so how I can share these... mmmmm... lets see how it unfolds.
if any of you know of any sister that you feel might benefit from linking up, connecting in someway, virtual or in person.. please pass my details on... this was one of the reasons for setting up this blog.. and I dont want it to become stagnant and just another diary! And let me have your reflections...
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