Another layer of Grief!

Well, today, I feel as though I am completely lost.. having deleted my ex from FB, and receiving an email from him, acknowledging that we needed space apart and hoped we would come out the other end as friends.. So sad..I have cried loads in the car, talked with a couple of friends and parents, all trying to say the right things.. and they do.. but at the end of the day, I dont want to lose this guy from my life. Friends is fine..that will do! ugh! feels horrible and yet somewhere i know that I have been through this before. Feeling that I could not cope without that being in my life, not wanting to let go.. but of course, I moved on.. its natural! It doesnt make this any easier though... I feel sick.

Parents are worried, want me to go to doctors - dont feel thats the right road to take... come home, force myself to eat even though there is nothing in the cupboards really.. and write a huge list.. list of everything I need to do or would like to do... practical stuff like jobs as well as creative stuff... just getting it all down and that has helped.

Just now one of my clients just called.. I treated her earlier this week whilst she is staying in the holiday lodge.. She asked if I would show her how to meditate, de-stress and calm herself... I've never been asked that before..it touched me. Made me laugh internally as I am in such a mess right now myself, how I can teach someone else to cope with stuff... I admitted as much to her.. and said you know what, I didnt do my tai chi or meditation before going out today! But agreed to see her later on in the week to show her some techniques..seems right and it will help me too.

My head hurts and I feel empty..feel sick and tired. I do keep trying to focus on the downsides to that relationship, how it made me feel at the time, the things that really I tolerated which I shouldnt have, even focusing on the fact he cuddled the dog rather than me or allowing me to sleep on the couch.. makes me smile though.. for I forgive.. all is perfect.. and that doesnt help in what I am trying to acheive - detachment.

I keep coming back to the idea of setting up some women's group in my area..a support network, for women having relationship or dating issues as well as single women that feel they are alone or they dont want to go to their usual friends... maybe I ought to follow that one up? I have learned a lot over the last year, have experienced all sorts of stuff surrounding dating, internet dating, men who wont commit, communication issues etc..and have many 'tools'..but somehow I feel I havent got it right, so how I can share these... mmmmm... lets see how it unfolds.

if any of you know of any sister that you feel might benefit from linking up, connecting in someway, virtual or in person.. please pass my details on... this was one of the reasons for setting up this blog.. and I dont want it to become stagnant and just another diary! And let me have your reflections...

Nourished from the woods...

I have just retuned to the beloved woods at home....like returning to my real home..within and in the outer...

I sobbed into the trunk of the 'mother' tree and the 'father' tree...wailing in release of this pain...so primal and earthy..and so right somehow..  It didnt last long, as I careesed the curves of the trunk, its different forms of bark and moss...I became more centred and willed for more release of this pain into the cosmos..

it passed through...and the sunshine glimmered through the leaves..welcoming me into the new..unknown... asking me to let go with love and acceptance for what is.. for it is the will of life itself, I...

As I meditated in the gentle light, I noticed several times a sort of an eye, in the corner... with movement inside it... but as soon as I  'noticed' it or 'acknowledged' it with a thought, it disappeared... 

The tears are an indulgence of my ego..not getting what it wants..an attachment to the body/mind, pain..rather than true knowing...

I realise that all this 'dating game' has shown me time and time again that I truly dont want the 'ordinary, mundane life'...with comfort and security...when I am offered it, I refuse it for I know it will kill me.   With this love that has parted from me, there was an opportunity for the 'ordinary' to be transformed into the 'extra ordinary'....there was a glimpse that has not been fulfilled... this is what is so painful and to die to.

After a while in the woods, I bathed my feet in the stream....allowing its waters to flow through and around me.  I raised my arms to lift the veil, it was blissful...welcoming in the new, the as yet unknown...and releaseing the pain, old stuck energies through my soles.    As my eyes were closed, the eye returned, bigger and all encompassing...  this is who I truly am.

I see that I have 'tempered' who I am, set up a whole new profile page to hide my self and this blog from some others...its made it complicated and unreal somehow in the 'hope' that man will take the tiny steps into the unknown with me..rather than have to take a great leap!   But I cannot do that....I cannot use ego to appear to assist another in their journey..  their journey is theirs alone...it has to be all alone, all one!  He might just have to take the giant leap!

So, now I am sitting with whether to merge my profiles and make this more public to all my contacts not just those that I beleive will get it....  its personal but its not...but I also have to consider the feelings of others...mmmmmm!

Its just started to pour with rain here.... my door is open...and the newness of life the rain drops come in..  also smile as so many 'tears' have fallen like raindrops around the world from the scores of women suffering with heartache right now...  the tears like the rain..can transform and bring in the new..