Bleeding, nurturing, lurgies and dates!

Went really deep into my bleed yesterday.. the pain on this cycle was intense and really just wanted to be still and bleed on the earth..surrender to the pain and sink into it. I couldnt concentrate on any 'work', so re-arranged all my plants, pots etc and felt heaps better once I'g gotten my hands in the soil.

Got around to looking at the many emails/calenders I have about the astrological stuff this week..and apparently for all cardinal signs like myself, this period of time marks the beginning of a significant couple of years that will later be recognized as the beginning of a new chapter. Hmmm!! Fate will be expected to pull some more proverbial rugs from under more entrenched feet! (I am a capricorn goat!)... what more!?!?!? I have no rugs left to pull? mm. should i have said that?

So today, I woke up with a cold coming, my nose is all peppery, I have a sore throat and not really with it. Even so, I have done some errands on town, distributed some posters for an event/talk, chatted to a few people...and.. had a date! yes, a date! Nice enough guy but oh, I would so chew him up in pieces.. he was so painfully shy. Anyway, I practiced my 'leaning back', and had a lovely hour or so over lunch.

Of course, I have come back with thoughts of the ex again..no-one esle will match up..bla bla bla.... ugh! I wont listen to all this though...its so unreal.. moving on..

Malvern Hills...

I took Milo somewhere different for his walk today, we drove to the Malverns and walked over two of the peaks for several hours. It was wonderful, freeing..meeting lots of other people with their dogs, sitting watching the views and playing stick with Milo.

I didnt feel alone or in pain..just free. Had a bit of a realisation though and reminder of the meditation/journey I did the other day, where I met me as a young woman in the cave..trying to hide with her white dress on. Several times, some guys who were running past us, and whilst I controlled Milo, the lead guy would say thanks and nod.. on the second time, he said we meet again..and you know I couldnt look up, I just nodded and concentrated on Milo! Ugh!

So after giving myself a good talking to internally, the next time they passed, he said again, you see, we meet again! This time, I literally forced my head up and replied back to him..but this time, knew I hadnt smiled! So again, gave myslef another talking to and on the third occasion, tried to do the whole lot - I did for a second maybe! Now, this guy was only being friendly, nothing in it but it showed me .. God, I feel like a little girl.. that little girl that is trying desperately to fit in, blend in, not be noticed and yet she yearns to be met in the divine so deeply! She has to trust.. and be open...

Anyway, as I write that little story, it made me smile! hey.. it almost feels like I am a teenager again.. nowt wrong with that. I just need to practice!!!!

X

Another layer of Grief!

Well, today, I feel as though I am completely lost.. having deleted my ex from FB, and receiving an email from him, acknowledging that we needed space apart and hoped we would come out the other end as friends.. So sad..I have cried loads in the car, talked with a couple of friends and parents, all trying to say the right things.. and they do.. but at the end of the day, I dont want to lose this guy from my life. Friends is fine..that will do! ugh! feels horrible and yet somewhere i know that I have been through this before. Feeling that I could not cope without that being in my life, not wanting to let go.. but of course, I moved on.. its natural! It doesnt make this any easier though... I feel sick.

Parents are worried, want me to go to doctors - dont feel thats the right road to take... come home, force myself to eat even though there is nothing in the cupboards really.. and write a huge list.. list of everything I need to do or would like to do... practical stuff like jobs as well as creative stuff... just getting it all down and that has helped.

Just now one of my clients just called.. I treated her earlier this week whilst she is staying in the holiday lodge.. She asked if I would show her how to meditate, de-stress and calm herself... I've never been asked that before..it touched me. Made me laugh internally as I am in such a mess right now myself, how I can teach someone else to cope with stuff... I admitted as much to her.. and said you know what, I didnt do my tai chi or meditation before going out today! But agreed to see her later on in the week to show her some techniques..seems right and it will help me too.

My head hurts and I feel empty..feel sick and tired. I do keep trying to focus on the downsides to that relationship, how it made me feel at the time, the things that really I tolerated which I shouldnt have, even focusing on the fact he cuddled the dog rather than me or allowing me to sleep on the couch.. makes me smile though.. for I forgive.. all is perfect.. and that doesnt help in what I am trying to acheive - detachment.

I keep coming back to the idea of setting up some women's group in my area..a support network, for women having relationship or dating issues as well as single women that feel they are alone or they dont want to go to their usual friends... maybe I ought to follow that one up? I have learned a lot over the last year, have experienced all sorts of stuff surrounding dating, internet dating, men who wont commit, communication issues etc..and have many 'tools'..but somehow I feel I havent got it right, so how I can share these... mmmmm... lets see how it unfolds.

if any of you know of any sister that you feel might benefit from linking up, connecting in someway, virtual or in person.. please pass my details on... this was one of the reasons for setting up this blog.. and I dont want it to become stagnant and just another diary! And let me have your reflections...

Its been a while....

Well, its been a few days since I wrote on here..  I've been bleeding, letting go and surrendering..at times in deep, deep pain but entering into the blackness that pain seems to open up to...amazing really..  I have rested, nourished myself..and wore as much red as possible!

I have met up with a man in my life; although he isnt sure he wants to be in mine or not!  My heart opens to him so and then experiences pain as this man hesitates in his giving..unsure of where he is... definately on his own journey which for now includes me, but may take a different road soon..  If I stay in the present, then all is fine..I am blessed.  

I went out with another man a few days ago..a lovely guy...but not for me..   keep coming back to the realisation that I cannot live an ordinary, comfortable, 9-5, robotic existence...like my parents and so many on this earth.  There is a small part of me that just want that seeming 'normality' but I would die...without the growth in partnership, passion and conscious deepening.

Today, I am travelling south to a festival..joining friends and intend to relax, enjoy, dance and laugh!

So... festival time....here I come....  X