Phew! Cosmic happenings, energies...energies....powerful stuff.

Yesterday was an amazingly powerful day for me..  Woke up with Period pains..and the prospect of  a days worth of massages to do for a hen party staying on the Farm.    Set my meditation/treatment room up and when I began to start the first massage, my breathing got so bad..it got heavier and heavier, and it felt like the room was getting smaller and the walls closing in.  Heaviness seemed to descend down, shadows drifted around and I became hotter and more agitated.  I had to leave the client half way through, ended it early and explained that there was no way I could continue.  I felt so guilty at letting them all down but there was no way I could physically do them.

Ironically, a friend that could have taken at least some of them over, had fallen down some stairs the day before, so I fought the urge to just crawl into my bed, and telephoned every therapist I knew of..but no one was available.  Feeling guilty and ill, I considered just doing the bride to be..but really couldnt face it.  My head now started to hurt, my vision was going and I felt so sick.      Eventually I did find them a therapist for a few hours which calmed me down somewhat and I lay down and surrendered.

I rested in the meditation/treatment room, the shadows moved around the room..heavy energy.  The back of my neck started to hurt and it felt like there was a mass of 'stuff' descending down onto me and entering my neck.   I felt like I just wanted to escape and leave the planet - how much easier that would be?   A couple of friends talked to me on the 'phone, encouraging me to rest, be with it all...allow and even asked for whatever was happening to be 'stepped down' to a more tolerable level.   That seemed to work, the pain lessened and although energy was still streaming in and through, it was more gentle and I drifted off to sleep, hearing the beat in my ears that I often do.

I awoke and found that I just wanted to ground, went for a short walk, ate and drank a fizzy drink.  I could feel the edge of the 'migraine' just waiting...but it didnt return with anything like the pain I had experienced earlier.   I just didnt feel human really - my body had been taken over. My legs were all tingly, weak and sensitive and I didnt really want to talk to anybody - just hibernated.

Later someone told me that the planet/asteroid Chiron had come into play that morning (although some sites say it comes on 21st?)... I dont know a lot about astrology but it seemed important.  Chiron concerns health and disease and their relationship to our spiritual journey through life.  Health, disease are our teachers, Chiron calls the root cause, the Wound and says that the Wound contains  a gift.  The Healing journey is the process of discovering that gift.   The Wound is healed when the Gift is embraced.    I have yet to find out where Chiron is placed in my natal chart.

Also coming of the New Moon on Sunday - today... and even a thunder storm occuring over the Farm!  Hmmm!!    Powerful stuff!

Gigs, sleepiness, body going through it..energies abound...

Been to a couple of gigs this week, the wonderful Nick Harper, who after coming on late was really good but unfortunately, I was sooo tired, I managed to drop off whilst standing up!  Had to leave half way through his set.     I also went to see Elbow at the O2 Arena on Monday - havent really heard them play before but they were fantastic and I really enjoyed it - managed to stay awake!  Makes me want to go more live gigs...  Seth Lakeman awaits in May (Swoon!)..anyone got a spare TT ticket?   

Healthwise, my body seems to have been transforming something over the last few days.. been very tired, lethargic, sleeping a lot and generally feeling not myself.  Last night in bed, every part of my skin seemed to be a mass of tingly, spines which were so sensitive to touch, I was hot but cold, I was tearful but giggly.. 

My womb couldnt seem to make up its mind whether it was to bleed or not..leaving me in some sort of limbo, not knowing what was happening, wanting it to decide one way or another..today it did decide to let go and bleed...allowing me to release the pent up energy thats been building in there the last week. Now I can feel I am returning to 'me'.

Breathing has been awful, chest is worsening and nothing seems to be making any improvements to it..  not giving up and exploring other options to try out. 

All in all though, a wonderful week of deep loving, sleeping, great food, great music, steady workflow..and more sleeping..  Bliss!   x

Dark Clear Black Skies to Bright Clear Blue Skies!

I'm sitting here at my desk, next to the open door, sunshine pouring in...birds a singing! Its the first time this year I've been able to have the door open whilst sat here. bliss!

Yesterday, I was in a funny space... had had a brilliant day working at a client's offices...and came back to my cottage and Milo feeling particularly lonely..I just wanted to share with another human being! So, I made a meal for one, sat listening to music, feeling ..well... is this it!

Someone on FB chat sent me words to describe what they saw in me:

"I see a strong woman who knows herself, celabrates being who she is, fights off illness and is obviously bright and interesting, she has theough circumstances ened up on her own (with Milo)..but there she is calm and it seems serene maybe, living in the countryside, working, meditating, searching and embracing all that surrounds her. She is in control of her world and can do just as she pleases..she obviously is a good person and attracts likewise people around her..."

I am blessed...I do know that.. but do still yearn for the embodiment of love in human form. That love is inside me, in all things... no need to search..

Last night, I sat outside, under the clear skies...so many bright stars above...it was wonderful. I listened to the sounds of the sheep and their lambs, an owl and the fish plopping in the lake.. yes I am lucky to be where I am, who I am at this point in my evolution!

Bleeding in the night..at last it has come. Releasing and cleansing...surrendering it to the earth. Today was clear blue skies, glorious sunshine and a freshness in the air..so I take Milo into the sacred woods..first time in ages.. I struggled up the hill a bit.. but it was so worth it. Met my guardian trees - reconnected..lay against the Mother tree, allowing her to embrace me.. and then lay on the fallen half trunk.. listening to the buzzard, woodpecker and little birds and sinking into the blue sky! Amazing..feeling so glad to be alive!

Namaste.

X

Glorious Gales.....

Glorious gales through yesterday, last night and today... many bangs, things turning over, rolling about in the darkness last night! Poor Milo was terrified..slept outside my bedroom door most of the night I think.

Had to coax him out this morning for a walk across the fields and lakes.. chose a flat walk as I havent much energy...and decided to sit on one of the benches overlooking the water. The wind was amazing...it was a warm windy so 'pleasant' to sit..and just listen to the sound..roaring around me, in the trees and bushes. It also made wonderful patterns on the lake - magical. Milo though..not impressed..he cowered beneath me legs for safety..just wanting to get back home.

I did my cobra breath a while, watched the patterns on the water, listened some more to the sounds, watched a couple of crows/rooks circling around - not going anywhere in the sky - wondering what they were up to.

Awaiting my bleed...with a weekend of nothingness ahead of me. Nothing planned..have lots I could do on my 'list'...who knows what I will choose to do from it, if anything. I dont have any inclination to meet anyone, do anything in particular, sometimes feeling lonely..someimes feel glad I am alone with Milo at this time.

A couple of you have responded to my request for feedback on my next step re my health! Just sitting with everything right now..seeing what transpires..

Full moon approaching...bleed almost over..

Writing this late in the evening... there is a party going on in the hot tub outside!  A group of holiday makers enjoying themselves - so wont get much sleep for a while...

Full moon tomorrow and my bleed is almost at an end, almost in sync now..but not quite!   My astrology forcast suggests that I reflect back over the last few weeks..., analyse and discard any unwanted emotions, feelings, baggage that no longer serve.  Haven't I already done that?  I guess another layer is about to go!   The forecast also said that this might be the time for me to meet my soul mate!  Well, I thought I had done that too...I'm open to the new!

Positive energy all around..I take responsibility for the creation of my life.

Much to be thankful for..................

Friends, warmth..a hug or two!

Phew...  what a ride that past week has been!    Awaiting a call from my doctors to ascertain what the next step is...but having spent a nurturing weekend with a friend, allowing him to do some odd jobs, listening to each other, sharing stuff..crying gently and having a few hugs, I feel so much more centered today.

My bleed is here and its nicely flowing, I have a client meeting later and I have some sort of  fluid 'plan' about what it is I need to do..or not do about many aspects of 'my' life.....

awwwwwww........I have a plant by my pc and one of its branches hangs over my screen.. a beautiful spider, is delicately crawling across it..its reached the end..and drops down onto my keyboard, then my Ipod, then my phone...  disappearing somewhere over my desk... beautiful!     One step at a time, tackling each seeming obstacle in its path..no worries!

mmmmmmmmmmm!

Emerging..Sunshine at last!

Still been a strange few days energetically.  Went for a drive yesterday and it was as though someone else was driving...really floaty/spacy.. so took it easy!  Slowly though, I have come more and more back into my body.


Awoke at 3am, full of energy, aware that my body is awaiting its bleed..enabling me to come more into my body phsyically.  Loving words received via en email that I couldnt resist opening at that hour...enveloping me in warmth and 'yumminness' that enables me to go back into dream land easily..namaste!

So today, there is sunshine at last..after days and days of grey skies and rain, the sun is welcome.  I have walked with the dogs into the wood, embraced the trees and felt their heartbeats merge with mine..amazing and nourishing.   Tai chi and vocal yoga under the canopy, with droplets gently falling on me, refreshing, as if nudging me to keep present and in my body.

Have you ever stood under a canopy of trees after rainfall?  Stand there, arms outstretched to the side, and lift your head back... allow the droplets to fall down and gently touch you wherever they want to go.  Open your eyes and watch them.. its beautiful!  They can sometimes hit you in the eye and make you jump, laugh, even cry..  I imagine that they are little balls of wonder being tossed at me by elementals, fairies, angels, tree spirits etc..   wonderful.

Festival..Heathrow Dash..Clarity again...

Cambridge folk festival was good.. discovered a couple of new bands that I enjoyed.. although overall, I found the whole experience hard going. In hindsight, perhaps it wasnt such a good idea..this was mixing in the scene that the ex was in..some of the bands he introduced me to were playing and I found myself thinking about him a lot..plus I started to bleed heavily whilst I was there... I do feel right now that I need to also let go of the circles/scene he moved in.

On the way home, I got a call for an emergency pick up of a friend that had become stranded at Heathrow.. and we stayed in a hotel togetehr overnight...and today, we spent the day sharing, talking and eating at a service station picnic area on the M40! My bleed allowing me to soften, and surrender more easily.. at times, the energy of the bleed today has been immense...stopping me in my tracks. We spent the afternoon sitting on the grass which was the closest I could get to bleeding on the earth!

After dropping her off at the airport again, I drove home with some more clarity and sense of peace.. I played Peruquois and Praful new track which has moved me since the first time I heard it in concert..and sang and sang.. as I got closer to where he lives up the M40, I sank within deeper and sang louder and louder..pouring the lvoe that I feel out through the open windows...knowing he would hear..

This sounds as though it was painful today.. you know it wasnt.. I was beaming, smiling in gratitute for what I had received, what we had shared. I said thank you to the countryside we walked in, which I could now see across the motorway..thank you for all the sights, smells, new places we had explored..the new depths, the love that we had shared.

I love and so I let go... love has to be free.. a mother lets go of her children when they old enough to leave home... to prevent them would not be loving and would prevent them growing... To hold on to love that is not free will quickly turn that love into something not true and resentment.

I saw today that he did not have a choice really in leaving.. on some level, he knows he has his own journey to take and I have mine too. For either of us to try to stifle the others' journey out of willfullness would be dishonouring of the love we shared. There is a divine plan in all this.. I trust that. And there is a man who can reflect to me as deep and even deeper.. Now although I have seen this clarity before, this felt more 'concrete' for want of a better word.

Friendship? this I am not clear on yet, I am friends with another ex partner, but that has taken some time to pass to get to that place. However, I am more mature in consciousness now, would I be able to spend time and not get all caught up in emotions - I dont know?

As I drove past the town, I thanked again in love, blew a kiss, and then repeated the cd again and again... singing, shouting and visualising the cutting of all attachments and ties...welcoming the new.

MMMMM! X

Frogs, Toads? Magical liquids.... and moving..

Re-visiting the woods, coming home... beautiful and peaceful, allowing me to bleed on mother earth for a little while and then ceasing again!

All around the fallen tree today were loads of little frogs or toads..no idea what the difference is but they all hopped around when I turned up so I let them be. As a power animal they are said to bring great cleansing of negative mental and physical energies and an invitation to take a leap forward..

A few weeks ago, I thanked my landlady for allowing me the opportunity to stay on her land..I felt and do feel so blessed to be surrounded by such beauty.. for the first time in my life, I find that I am totally at ease, feel safe and nourished and comfortable in my surroundings..being able to live alone and yet not feel lonely (most of the time :) ) As soon as I said that to her, I realised that I might be asked to let go very soon, yes, i had become 'comfortable'...

So, now there may be a possibility that I move to somewhere less isolated and share a house again...I know that I will be able to attend more things, meet more people and have the support of living with another person... We shall see..I know that the beauty I see around me is everywhere, within me..so although it will be a wrench to move away, if its the right thing to do, nothing will be lost..but still!

oh.. realised I put magical liquids in the title... just started to take MMS..someone recommended it for me..it seems to be the latest 'magical supplement'.. I have nothing to lose, it was so reasonable compared to all the other 'remedies' out there... so watch this space.. I too, might turn into a frog!

Man..sorry this one may not be for you!

or maybe it is!

Over the last 24 hours I have got increasingly more disorientated, forgetful, not being able to function as I normally do.. almost dizzy as in typical 'blonde dizzy'! Really funny at times like forgetting immediately what someone has just said..and also a bit worrying.

I;ve increasingly become frustrated and getting irritated at.. dare I say it... the masculine energies.. not just man as such..but things like beurocratic nonsense from authorities. I received a letter from the employment office asking me a tonne of questions that I have already answered face to face.. and at the time said.. are you sure I dont need to fill something else in! Of course, they had 'forgotten' a form - which means a further delay in them sorting things out!

Irritation with man in physical form.. feeling that I am just not beign heard...this was highlighted when a man picked on a couple of words in a whole paragraph..instead of looking at the energy underneath and the whole picture of what I was saying, I got a response based on my terminology! this has happened many times to me.. I am trying to say something..just so happen to say the 'wrong' word that has a 'different' meaning to the man..and this is what they concentrate on..rather than looking at the whole thing of what I was saying. The whole conversation then reverts to these couple of words and the rest ignored. BAH! :)

Also, man's lack of love, lack of empathy for woman. Separating their love, individualising it..thinking that 'love' can only be declared for 'certain' people in their lives.. I love all beings for we are all connected.. as brother and sister. So i might say I love you to a woman as a friend as well as to my lover. I will extend my honesty and softness to all.

Lack of empathy, and not being able to be humble in their interaction with woman, giving up on their 'position', their 'comfort' in order to honour the woman that is standing in front of them. Sad and it is painful.

I know that this dynamic can be reversed..woman can be just as dishonouring and lack love..

So at risk of being slotted into the box of 'pre menstrual' woman rant...yes, at the rise of the full moon, I bleed..early..shouldnt be here yet which releases a lot of all this tension and irritation. Explains my lack of patience and being sensitive to things that probably wouldnt have got to me in the same way on other occasions. BUT, that doesnt negate anything I have said, for a woman to come into bleed, means that she is coming more into her power, yes more sensitive to energies, absolutely nothing wrong with that.

So, I am typing this at the same time as trying to get through to my GP surgery to cancel my 3rd smear test! Each time now I happended to have bled unexpectedly on the allotted day! My body being wise maybe? After all my cancer scares though, they are keen to check it all... mmmmm!

ok.. got through.. re-scheduled.. sorted..

I LOVE YOU ALL!
X

Its been a while....

Well, its been a few days since I wrote on here..  I've been bleeding, letting go and surrendering..at times in deep, deep pain but entering into the blackness that pain seems to open up to...amazing really..  I have rested, nourished myself..and wore as much red as possible!

I have met up with a man in my life; although he isnt sure he wants to be in mine or not!  My heart opens to him so and then experiences pain as this man hesitates in his giving..unsure of where he is... definately on his own journey which for now includes me, but may take a different road soon..  If I stay in the present, then all is fine..I am blessed.  

I went out with another man a few days ago..a lovely guy...but not for me..   keep coming back to the realisation that I cannot live an ordinary, comfortable, 9-5, robotic existence...like my parents and so many on this earth.  There is a small part of me that just want that seeming 'normality' but I would die...without the growth in partnership, passion and conscious deepening.

Today, I am travelling south to a festival..joining friends and intend to relax, enjoy, dance and laugh!

So... festival time....here I come....  X