Bee Energy....powerful signs..dead birds..reunions!

Came back from a wonderful week away to find a load of bees in my bedroom...some were flying, many were just crawling around near the window, on the bedding, the floor everywhere..  a surprise to say the least and slightly alarming!

Having just picked up a friend that was staying with me, I didnt know what to do.. I felt myself get stressed, worked up..panicky but overall I knew it would be fine - I had other options of places to stay.  It was almost looking down at someone else panicking and yet I couldnt change it.  I couldnt make any decisions about what to do..I just wanted someone else to tell me what to do, where to go..  In the middle of getting landlord help, neighbours, friends, bee keeper, pest control, even advice from the 'census collector' - I spotted that there was a dead sparrow in front of my car.  I hadnt hit it, my car had been parked there all week!  Ugh... so many symbols and signs maybe?

When animal messengers want to get our attention, they arrive in large nunbers - looking up bee energy, they are a sign of passion, progress, feritility and sexuality!  In my bedroom - of course!  :)    The dead bird?  not so good maybe - a sign of coming disappointments, worry!  :(      A shamanic friend foretells that it is a sign to move on, out of this cottage to pastures new....  hmmmm...  

Then yesterday, we spotted that a lamb had got it self caught on a wire fence after visiting the chickens it appears - it was stangling itself.. it must have been there most of the day, it was so cold to the touch.   It took three of us to release it, gradually slackening off each wire, net from its throat - you could hear and feel it gulp with relief.   It soon bounded off to his mum though - much needing some milk and warmth.


The bees?  Cutting a long story short, the bees turned out to be masonry bees that dont sting and they eventually moved on - my friend and I stayed in the b&b next door whilst the bees, took their time in relocating!     Lots of bee jokes coming forth on my facebook page!

Lovely having my best friend from school here to stay - she flew from Scotland for a visit and for us to go to a school reunion.  After the bee episode, we werent too sure we felt like going..but we did.  It was interesting..looking at peoples faces to see if you recognised anyone.. people examining us too... funny!  It was good although not too many from our school year so a little disappointing!

Saying goodbye to her today was hard.. sad.. Although we only keep in touch by phone occasionally, it was just like old times being together again.. would love to have her in my life more.

Spring sunshine abound...clear blue skies... jumping and noise lambs and their mums...

awaiting my love to come home, to reconnect after a few days absence...  Namaste.

Phew! Cosmic happenings, energies...energies....powerful stuff.

Yesterday was an amazingly powerful day for me..  Woke up with Period pains..and the prospect of  a days worth of massages to do for a hen party staying on the Farm.    Set my meditation/treatment room up and when I began to start the first massage, my breathing got so bad..it got heavier and heavier, and it felt like the room was getting smaller and the walls closing in.  Heaviness seemed to descend down, shadows drifted around and I became hotter and more agitated.  I had to leave the client half way through, ended it early and explained that there was no way I could continue.  I felt so guilty at letting them all down but there was no way I could physically do them.

Ironically, a friend that could have taken at least some of them over, had fallen down some stairs the day before, so I fought the urge to just crawl into my bed, and telephoned every therapist I knew of..but no one was available.  Feeling guilty and ill, I considered just doing the bride to be..but really couldnt face it.  My head now started to hurt, my vision was going and I felt so sick.      Eventually I did find them a therapist for a few hours which calmed me down somewhat and I lay down and surrendered.

I rested in the meditation/treatment room, the shadows moved around the room..heavy energy.  The back of my neck started to hurt and it felt like there was a mass of 'stuff' descending down onto me and entering my neck.   I felt like I just wanted to escape and leave the planet - how much easier that would be?   A couple of friends talked to me on the 'phone, encouraging me to rest, be with it all...allow and even asked for whatever was happening to be 'stepped down' to a more tolerable level.   That seemed to work, the pain lessened and although energy was still streaming in and through, it was more gentle and I drifted off to sleep, hearing the beat in my ears that I often do.

I awoke and found that I just wanted to ground, went for a short walk, ate and drank a fizzy drink.  I could feel the edge of the 'migraine' just waiting...but it didnt return with anything like the pain I had experienced earlier.   I just didnt feel human really - my body had been taken over. My legs were all tingly, weak and sensitive and I didnt really want to talk to anybody - just hibernated.

Later someone told me that the planet/asteroid Chiron had come into play that morning (although some sites say it comes on 21st?)... I dont know a lot about astrology but it seemed important.  Chiron concerns health and disease and their relationship to our spiritual journey through life.  Health, disease are our teachers, Chiron calls the root cause, the Wound and says that the Wound contains  a gift.  The Healing journey is the process of discovering that gift.   The Wound is healed when the Gift is embraced.    I have yet to find out where Chiron is placed in my natal chart.

Also coming of the New Moon on Sunday - today... and even a thunder storm occuring over the Farm!  Hmmm!!    Powerful stuff!

Gigs, sleepiness, body going through it..energies abound...

Been to a couple of gigs this week, the wonderful Nick Harper, who after coming on late was really good but unfortunately, I was sooo tired, I managed to drop off whilst standing up!  Had to leave half way through his set.     I also went to see Elbow at the O2 Arena on Monday - havent really heard them play before but they were fantastic and I really enjoyed it - managed to stay awake!  Makes me want to go more live gigs...  Seth Lakeman awaits in May (Swoon!)..anyone got a spare TT ticket?   

Healthwise, my body seems to have been transforming something over the last few days.. been very tired, lethargic, sleeping a lot and generally feeling not myself.  Last night in bed, every part of my skin seemed to be a mass of tingly, spines which were so sensitive to touch, I was hot but cold, I was tearful but giggly.. 

My womb couldnt seem to make up its mind whether it was to bleed or not..leaving me in some sort of limbo, not knowing what was happening, wanting it to decide one way or another..today it did decide to let go and bleed...allowing me to release the pent up energy thats been building in there the last week. Now I can feel I am returning to 'me'.

Breathing has been awful, chest is worsening and nothing seems to be making any improvements to it..  not giving up and exploring other options to try out. 

All in all though, a wonderful week of deep loving, sleeping, great food, great music, steady workflow..and more sleeping..  Bliss!   x

Hmmm... no title...just hmmm!

Again, been a while since I wrote.  Sat up in bed right now, listening to the birds outside and loving the feel of the duvet, sheets and pillows! 

Over the weekend, was taken to do an activity that I rarely undertake and when I do hardly ever enjoy - Shopping!  Even stranger to go around shops with a man, picking things out, asking me to try things on etc.  I found it uncomfortable and I got self-conscious but I endeavoured to drop the thought and feelings surrounding this and to surrender and allow this man to give his love, to allow the gift of receiving!   Felt lovely but still a little awkward for me.   I know that to receive is allowing someone else the gift of giving...the buzz, the happiness that brings..but still hard to do.

Afterwards back to where I am more comfortable, amonst stone circles, woods, open countryside..exploring new places, sights and sounds.  Breathing in the freshness of the air rather than the hustle and bustle of a busy city centre.   Wonderful.

Soooo tired... have been sleeping lots over the last couple of weeks, but after the shopping trip, felt exhausted..the city centre, all those people, energy in shops etc drained me.   Whilst the stones and countryside rejuvenated me a little, it wasnt enough and later had to come out of a Nick Harper gig, part way through becuase I was falling asleep on my feet!  Not an easy thing to do with the music Nick was playing!

Today though, lazing in bed for the morning, feeling delicious after such tender loving over the last few days.

I have a blessed life!  XX

Loving deeply....cleansing bleed of old energies...allowing space for the new.

I've been unsure as to whether to write further and what I should be sharing right now... seems a lot of new energy is entering my life and I'm feeling just a wee bit over-whelmed. Thats ok and I am endeavouring to just allow it with surrender and openness.

A week or so of deep physical loving and connection that I have'nt touched with such depth for a while. It feels so sweet, amazing and yes, refreshing to be in the presence of a man that knows himself, knows what he wants and is confident in his authority as the masculine principle. Still a bit wary and watchful of the idea that this might stop after the 'honeymoon' period but enjoying every moment, surrendering and not getting into any thoughts, fears, projections.

Such as been the depth of being met that my bleed has come early and I am having such a powerful energy of cleansing out the 'old masculine energy', past energies, past hurt and emotions, let downs etc..seemingly draining me completely. I feel that my body, heart and womb is being emptied completely so that I can be free to receive nourishment of the new, depth of real man, completely.

There are moments of sheer bliss at being met deeply that are so sweet..I can taste the nectar in my throat... Thank you life!

Namaste..
x

Shaking Earth and the Welcoming the new....

An eventful week.. an emotional start to the week with the news of the NZ earthquake that has caused so much devastation. Even once I knew that all my loved ones and friends from Lyttleton and Christchurch were safe..the realisation that my closest friend was landing in that area at the time the quake hit.. touched me greatly. The shock of it went through my body..and I found myself being very emotional and weepy the whole day. An inner call to myself!

Even so, that same day, I met for the second time a man that I have connected with and his masculine presence has touched me deeply, and I welcome this new energy into my life. All a bit of a surprise really and even more so to notice my wariness of trusting a man, whether he can indeed hold this energy and remain in his authority. I am open though, I cant be anything else and trust that life knows what is true..time will tell and things will unfold.. How delightful that is!

All in all, a week of loving and reminders of how precious our experience as a human being is...we dont get that long really..so no point in holding back or waiting.

For those of you that are drawn and able to help support the wonderful work that friends are doing in Christchurch, there is a link to a donation page. They are travelling to the rescue centres in their double decker red bus and distributing hot chocolate and chocolate as well as offering massage, hugs and healing. Check them out at the following link: http://www.shechocolat.com/

Yearning of Woman..Aloneness.

I posted a music video on my facebook page yesterday - its a song written by a man, who talks of ‘holding’ woman in a tender, beautiful way. The link is below.

It has prompted some Sisters to write to me and a couple have posted on my wall with their tears, pain and fear that there are no men that are really committed to a deeper way of living and loving.

Much pain, sadness around the feminine principle it seems...sudden death of their beloved, sudden walk out of family home, years of not being met in a deep place, hurt by abuse, lack of commitment etc.. these are some of the ‘stories’ I have heard this week.

The feminine principle yearns to be met by true man who is committed to a deeper way of living and loving. She fears that there just aren’t men out there...tired of opening, giving of love to be disillusioned again and again. This particular song was written by Man and passed onto me by Man!

Aloneness – in the human form this comes and goes, a cycle, a fact of life. Maybe our challenge as Woman is to not close down when we have no physical beloved. She can use these times of aloneness to go deeper into her inner love. For me, I meditate, hold a tree as if it were my lover. Give it and the Earth your love and passion..breathe deep and you will feel the energy go through your body – see what happens next!

Eat well, dance, sing, read, enjoy nature, paint, draw, write..do anything that is creative...anything that you enjoy with a passion.....

With grace maybe that physical form will show up... if we are surrendered and open then that Man has an opportunity to meet us fully. I have written a few times of my sadness, despair, heartache and not perfect in all of this but I have never given up. I trust..

Love and tender hugs to all beautiful Sisters....

Full Moon looming.. solar flares...insights and insights...

Full Moon nearly here and energies are moving around.. Apparently there have been some major solar flares happening which are being directed towards Earth! We may see some wonderful light displays in the sky but I feel that many of us are sensitive enough to have felt them anyway.. way beyond the moment they may hit our 'atmosphere'.

This week, I've been on a quest to discover where I need to go with this breathing issue of mine. followed all sorts of paths, including the conventional way.. my GP is now referring me to Rheumatology as it is fairly obvious this is an auto immune not a lung problem.

As you know, I beleive that I can reverse the way my immune system is working..that there is a trigger, a key that I am missing. It was suggested that there may be some sort of spiritual attachment, some cellular memory from an event/emotion/thought that occured around the time my breathing problems started. Whilst i have already looked at what was occuring in my life at the time, I feel that now I need to look deeper, maybe with some assistance.. even look to the period just before.. This feels right. This would put me back into the Community I once lived in, back with my beloved at the time, my teacher..my lover, my spiritual family and home.

I sigh..deep breath... hey.. deep breath!

X

Energies abound in the night....Mayan New Year!

Phew! A weird night that was. Hard to describe the feelings but just felt 'uneasy' when I went to bed...read for a while.. and then drifted off to sleep. My breathing wasn't great (steroids have finished!)..and I just felt unwell.

I woke up really hot but shivering...got up for the loo and every muscle ached as I walked. I hadnt done anything untoward the day before although I had had a glass of wine...but this felt like flu coming on. When I touched my head it hurt, everything hurt...

I lay there and went through all sorts of hallucinations and feelings...and eventually drifted off to sleep again. Awoke again a little while later...everything seemed to hurt and I was cold but hot..and it was sooo bright in the dark room...funny.. but not exactly scary! I got up and stood outside for a while... so quite ..well apart from the owl..which did freak me out a bit! No moon, no stars...just this hooting that kept getting closer and closer... shadows, rustling...hmmmm...


Anyway, this morning, bright blue skies, lovely sunshine and I seem to be going through some sort of mega de-tox..so taking it easy today. All perfect of course..cleansing and clearing... Been for a walk in the woods, lay against my favourite trees, connected with loved ones and the rest of the day... just want to read in my garden..

X

A footnote.. A friend reminded me today that according to the Mayan Calander, February 11, 2011 is when the Earth and humanity will be entering the final cycle (9th) of the 9 Levels of Consciousness. Working through this level in 2011 will result in a timelss cosmic consciousness, citizenship in the universe..for all humanity.

Maybe on a cosmic, energetic level, I was connecting to this new wave coming in...I wonder! :) Happy Tzolkin New Year to you all! :)

Lots of information on this stuff, Mayan calander etc... see calleman.com or search for 11.2.11..

Glorious Gales.....

Glorious gales through yesterday, last night and today... many bangs, things turning over, rolling about in the darkness last night! Poor Milo was terrified..slept outside my bedroom door most of the night I think.

Had to coax him out this morning for a walk across the fields and lakes.. chose a flat walk as I havent much energy...and decided to sit on one of the benches overlooking the water. The wind was amazing...it was a warm windy so 'pleasant' to sit..and just listen to the sound..roaring around me, in the trees and bushes. It also made wonderful patterns on the lake - magical. Milo though..not impressed..he cowered beneath me legs for safety..just wanting to get back home.

I did my cobra breath a while, watched the patterns on the water, listened some more to the sounds, watched a couple of crows/rooks circling around - not going anywhere in the sky - wondering what they were up to.

Awaiting my bleed...with a weekend of nothingness ahead of me. Nothing planned..have lots I could do on my 'list'...who knows what I will choose to do from it, if anything. I dont have any inclination to meet anyone, do anything in particular, sometimes feeling lonely..someimes feel glad I am alone with Milo at this time.

A couple of you have responded to my request for feedback on my next step re my health! Just sitting with everything right now..seeing what transpires..

No sleep...breathing terrible...despairing!

Had a wonderful nights sleep the night before - woke up at 10am yesterday - felt great... but last night, paid for that and tossed and turned through the hours! Ear was really painful but it was more my breathing or rather struggle to breathe that kept me awake!

Feel so despairing with it now... seemed to have processed and progressed through all angles of what is going on - on all levels for many years. Tried conventional and non-conventional method's and still it persists! Each time a new path, product, treatment comes my way - I give it my best. What am I to do? Surrender, accept....easier said...I do and I do..but when its your breath, its kinda in your face! Have no idea which way to turn with it now..

I am sure that 'falling off' my vegan diet the last few weeks has triggered my ear - as there is no 'emotional' stress going on right now. But the breathing has come and gone all the while...

I have said before that I believe that we create our illness, disease in our bodies and somehow, I have triggered an over-reaction in my immune system - which I know I can reverse but how to get to that? Each method, treatment, strategy I have tried has been worth it, each in their own has shown me a new depth, a learning of somesort but right now.I am tired..

having got up out of bed as I was close to tears which would only have made my breathing worse, iit helps to sit and write it out...now I fancy cornflakes!

Ah.. the sun is rising...

Sleepy...Unsociable....

A few days away at the Spa last week were so blissful! Massages, pampering, good food and good company..lovely treat...

Since being back have had trouble sleeping so feeling very tired, almost hung-over, and a bit unsociable. The weather is the usual British Greyness and I just feeling like curling up on the sofa with Milo...watching episodes of Stargates - the current fave! (did I just say that - lol :)) Watching Daniel Jackson (swoon!) and the team save the world again and again...love it! Loving the distraction of it all today.

Have braved the weather to walk with Milo around the fields..lovely..but its sooo nice to be back in my warm lounge, the smell of my baguette cooking in the kitchen, and the DVD poised to 'play' once more.....

Aaahhhhhh!

X

Solstice Greetings, Cobra breath Power...

Happy Solstice to you all!


No sleep at all for me last night..and this morning up and about for the eclipse at Sunrise - beautiful energy..didnt see anything as we had snow clouds over Worcestershire.

I did a Cobra Breath Meditation followed by some chi gong exercises - wonderful.    During my chi-gong exercise (working on my lungs), I saw in front of me a black figure, sitting crossed legged in yoga position...and it/he had a huge penis!  It glowed red and then it moved through the chakras upwards - turning into a flame as it went..right up through the Crown.  Powerful!

Phew! A surreal two weeks....

Havent written for nearly two weeks - feels like I've been in a time-warp as it only seems like a couple of days have passed!  But its been almost two weeks where I have done little 'paid' work,not slept much, havent done anything for xmas - not even bought a card! 

After connecting with a beautiful soul at the last retreat I did a couple of weeks ago, we have spent many days practising rituals, pujas, cobra breath exercises - very intense at times, with wonderful food, laughter and yes, a few tears mixed in as well!    I cant talk about it all too much but I have learned so much and experienced such beautiful energies..it is a journey I wish to go deeper into.    But now, back to 'normal' life at least for a few days until Christmas!

Christmas I feel is cancelled this year - I am snowed in now with enough food (hopefully) to keep me going for a week.  If I am honest, my thoughts have not been present entirely..I have been allowing my mind to wander into the past, past loves, past Christmas time and its shaken me the depth of sadness I still feel.  Pretty annoying too..but I wont beat myself up too much.  Life is the way it is...  I have food, (even some wine!) and enough paperwork, tax return and filing to keep me occupied for days!  That coupled with sledging albeit on my own will keep me busy and hopefully away from such meloncholy thoughts!  AHHH!  I also have you my dear blog!


Now for a cuppa!

Retreat! Snow..... Cobra!

Been a few days since writing but have been on a wonderful and powerful retreat.  Having arrived early to beat the snow following me down the country..  meet up with a lovely group of people, new energies and sharing.

Powerful exercises, rituals and yoga..deepening, and opening all.

The most powerful one for me following the cobra breath meditation...seeing the cobra entwine up my spine, higher and higher, evolving evolution.  Then deep in the blackness, but with almost a ultra violet essence to it...  I physically feel an elixir being poured into my throat, I can feel it go through my sinuses, down my thorax, and down.. and then feel it surging around my bloodstream..  Reminds me of receiving an anaesthetic, and that feeling of a loss of control over the body.  Once I let go of that thought.. i surrender into the bliss of this wonderful elixir, seemingly gifted to me by Mother Serpent and surrender to its effects..

The blackness, intermingled with ultra violet light, pinky hues...see a Kolidascope of circles going around and around, with one huge one in the centre.. spiralling around.    My Third Eye is burning..and the chemical is pouring down, metallic taste, silvery/mercury sense to it... 

A while later, felt that I needed to go and have a wee by the willow tree in the garden...  I can actually smell the chemical release and pour in to the Earth...  like a toxin being released.   Then later, the same again.. and then a bleed.  So much energy pouring through my body..feels like the chemical/toxin did removed some impurities..

Couldnt drive anywhere..very spacey, and the flow of energy strong through my body.    After packing my car up, checking of tyres etc... it felt right to stay!

Namaste!
X

From CT Scans to Foraging Weekends!

Had my CT scan today - weird sensation.  Being injected with this dye..could feel it surging through my body - warm but had no control over it.  Really disconcerting senstation - of not being in control of something in my own body..  The actual x-ray side of things didnt bother me - but the dye left me feeling a bit out of it and toxic. 

Anyway, feel like times has raced this week - gone so fast.  I've not slept much, tossing and turning with unwanted dreams.  Mainly of love that is no longer here physically - each day, I cut the chords, chop the ties and each night, they get re-attached in dream world.  A sister thought that maybe I am working with that person on some other level..maybe? 

So, off down to wonderful Devon again this weekend, to visit friends for some loving and a forage walk to discover (hopefully) some new plants and mushrooms!   Back soon.

Surrendering and release...power for renewed growth.

1st November, Samhain yesterday...auspicious turning of the wheel of the year.   Letting go of that which has outlived its fruitfulness so that its decay can release back into the earth, nutrients that will power next Spring's renewed growth.

Thats where I feel I am..  saying goodbye to the ex who had been looking after Milo for the weekend...love still strong and energy connected..but  now is not the time..his journey of discovery taking a different road.  As I said goodbye, I re-cut the chords that had been connected during his visit, could feel the oxycotin hormone going through my body, so visualised it travelling down my spine, through my Yoni into the earth... 

I then sat in my own couldron for a while (Hot tub!)... meditating in the darkness, with the warmth of the water and the soft bubbles releasing energy all over.  Bliss.  Sat in front of my Goddess Altar before sleep, I again, cut and cut all attachments, opening to the new, and welcoming in Life.  Magical time of year.

Dreamt of us being passionate together all night - which felt like it was undoing all my detaching work!  Made me laugh this morning!  So, constantly having to re-check where I'm attached, letting it go...  about to go into the woods, very misty this morning.. Perfect!

Surrender..Love..Truth of Life.

A sister sent me this poem yesterday.. such truth!  

I will love you unconditionally.
Every day I will let you go.
You are free my love.
...Where so ever you tread
I will love you.
In whoever's arms you may lay
I will love you.
Whenever you come to me
I will honour every moment
as a gift of new-ness
unexpected.
I will hold you in my arms
as if it were our first time.
My heart is ever open.
There is only Love.

~Yuri Leitch ~

This says more about what is occuring in my life right now than anything else I could write....

Quiet Breathe! Air filled lungs....aahhhh!!!

What a delightful day!  Sunshine and being able to breathe in a way that I havent felt for so long!  The steroids have I would say kicked in and although no longer taking them, it will brilliant today to be able to walk fast through town, up hill, breathe deep in my belly and 'listen' to my almost silent breathing!  Amazing!   I went for a big walk with the dogs....soaking in the last of the days sunshine...and expressing delight at everything.

Earlier today I went to a family funeral..I'm not religious but my mother is..  We sat together in the crematorium, she singing, praying and crying...I closing my eyes in remembrance of a cousin that used to 'look after me' when I was small.  In later years, we used to bump into each other at car boot sales and compare our bargains...  I watched the outpouring of grief, sadness, tears as we stood outside afterwards, my mum comforting her niece as she sobbed on her shoulder.  I hadnt seen my mum taking that role before - it was weird watching.  I loved how she held her niece tight..  the energy seemed to go through my body into the earth.  Phil - I think of you with gratitude and a smile.

To end the day, I am typing this and it feels so good to not hear my breathing being so laboured...  I choose deep, clear breath.

Friends, warmth..a hug or two!

Phew...  what a ride that past week has been!    Awaiting a call from my doctors to ascertain what the next step is...but having spent a nurturing weekend with a friend, allowing him to do some odd jobs, listening to each other, sharing stuff..crying gently and having a few hugs, I feel so much more centered today.

My bleed is here and its nicely flowing, I have a client meeting later and I have some sort of  fluid 'plan' about what it is I need to do..or not do about many aspects of 'my' life.....

awwwwwww........I have a plant by my pc and one of its branches hangs over my screen.. a beautiful spider, is delicately crawling across it..its reached the end..and drops down onto my keyboard, then my Ipod, then my phone...  disappearing somewhere over my desk... beautiful!     One step at a time, tackling each seeming obstacle in its path..no worries!

mmmmmmmmmmm!