Full Moon nearly here and energies are moving around.. Apparently there have been some major solar flares happening which are being directed towards Earth! We may see some wonderful light displays in the sky but I feel that many of us are sensitive enough to have felt them anyway.. way beyond the moment they may hit our 'atmosphere'.
This week, I've been on a quest to discover where I need to go with this breathing issue of mine. followed all sorts of paths, including the conventional way.. my GP is now referring me to Rheumatology as it is fairly obvious this is an auto immune not a lung problem.
As you know, I beleive that I can reverse the way my immune system is working..that there is a trigger, a key that I am missing. It was suggested that there may be some sort of spiritual attachment, some cellular memory from an event/emotion/thought that occured around the time my breathing problems started. Whilst i have already looked at what was occuring in my life at the time, I feel that now I need to look deeper, maybe with some assistance.. even look to the period just before.. This feels right. This would put me back into the Community I once lived in, back with my beloved at the time, my teacher..my lover, my spiritual family and home.
I sigh..deep breath... hey.. deep breath!
X
Showing posts with label breathing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breathing. Show all posts
Thursday, 17 February 2011
Saturday, 29 January 2011
No sleep...breathing terrible...despairing!
Had a wonderful nights sleep the night before - woke up at 10am yesterday - felt great... but last night, paid for that and tossed and turned through the hours! Ear was really painful but it was more my breathing or rather struggle to breathe that kept me awake!
Feel so despairing with it now... seemed to have processed and progressed through all angles of what is going on - on all levels for many years. Tried conventional and non-conventional method's and still it persists! Each time a new path, product, treatment comes my way - I give it my best. What am I to do? Surrender, accept....easier said...I do and I do..but when its your breath, its kinda in your face! Have no idea which way to turn with it now..
I am sure that 'falling off' my vegan diet the last few weeks has triggered my ear - as there is no 'emotional' stress going on right now. But the breathing has come and gone all the while...
I have said before that I believe that we create our illness, disease in our bodies and somehow, I have triggered an over-reaction in my immune system - which I know I can reverse but how to get to that? Each method, treatment, strategy I have tried has been worth it, each in their own has shown me a new depth, a learning of somesort but right now.I am tired..
having got up out of bed as I was close to tears which would only have made my breathing worse, iit helps to sit and write it out...now I fancy cornflakes!
Ah.. the sun is rising...
Feel so despairing with it now... seemed to have processed and progressed through all angles of what is going on - on all levels for many years. Tried conventional and non-conventional method's and still it persists! Each time a new path, product, treatment comes my way - I give it my best. What am I to do? Surrender, accept....easier said...I do and I do..but when its your breath, its kinda in your face! Have no idea which way to turn with it now..
I am sure that 'falling off' my vegan diet the last few weeks has triggered my ear - as there is no 'emotional' stress going on right now. But the breathing has come and gone all the while...
I have said before that I believe that we create our illness, disease in our bodies and somehow, I have triggered an over-reaction in my immune system - which I know I can reverse but how to get to that? Each method, treatment, strategy I have tried has been worth it, each in their own has shown me a new depth, a learning of somesort but right now.I am tired..
having got up out of bed as I was close to tears which would only have made my breathing worse, iit helps to sit and write it out...now I fancy cornflakes!
Ah.. the sun is rising...
Thursday, 30 September 2010
Breathing again....amazing!
At last, my breathing has improved to the point that I can at last return to my sacred woods...what a blissful few hours this afternoon. Reconnecting with the trees, the stream..noticing the leaves slowly changing colour, plentiful mushrooms and some walnuts as well...Yum! It seems like weeks since I was able to climb up the hill to them..but the lakes have kept me well nourished - they are nice and flat! This morning was amazing..the mist from the lakes was circling around..wonderful. Will get some photos when the opportunity arises next time.
The Medical Enigma continues as my GP/Consultant research things further..nothing I can do now on that front until my meeting with them next week. In the meantime, I am more strict on avoiding animal proteins and last night had a wonderful vegan pizza after watching the film Tamara Drew. Very funny..but the pizza made the evening.
Ok...this is a quick write up... going to crack these nuts, and eat some wonderful food!
The Medical Enigma continues as my GP/Consultant research things further..nothing I can do now on that front until my meeting with them next week. In the meantime, I am more strict on avoiding animal proteins and last night had a wonderful vegan pizza after watching the film Tamara Drew. Very funny..but the pizza made the evening.
Ok...this is a quick write up... going to crack these nuts, and eat some wonderful food!
Sunday, 19 September 2010
3am hot drinks...visiting virtual world and rare diseases.
Yet another night of disturbed sleep...woke up struggling for breath again and a really annoying cough..sure next door can hear me so get up for a hot drink..that helps a little.. Its now 4.30am.
Since my last blog entry, I've been in contemplative mood and have gone through many realisations about myself, my relationship with Mother...my birth mother, adoptive mother, absent birth father etc etc.... connections with trauma at early age etc.... all ok and real..recognising that maybe I have some more layers to explore....
On a more physical level though, my breathing issue has become so chronic, I have been re-exploring my medical history and fear that the suspician last year that I might have Relapsing Polychondritis might well be the cause of the breathing stuff. I shake my head... because in labelling it, even like this, is like establishing it.. Its a terrible disease where the immune system attacks the bodies cartlidge..last year, my ears started having symptoms..but at the same time I had a cancer scare so decided to tackle things with diet... I went vegan. and that seemed to sort everything out..BUT my breathing issues remained... and have gradually got worse and worse.
The consultant last year said to me...you would be so unlucky to have RP, its so rare..I dont think you can have it... I remember at the time thinking, yeah...well that sounds like me! But there was no way I would have taken the drugs that people with this are put on.. so I didnt pursue it and went a different route.
Anyway, having read up on how RP affects the trachea/larynx, I have to say I am displaying classic signs and that is depressing! There is no cure..and prognosis dire BUT I also know that we create our dis ease..adn I am sure I can reverse this.. it feels like I am getting close to the root cause, adn thats why my breathing is getting so bad... its like its last fight!
I am tired, just sighed heavy and held my head! NOOOO! I wont be defeated... So to be practical I am seeking advice on what medical tests I need from other sufferers and going to go back to 100% veganism..I have no choice. I already have some 'alternative' tests lined up over the next few weeks and will continue with my usual routines s much as I can... tai chi, meditation, getting into the woods no matter how hard it is getting to get up the hill!
If anyone knows of any 'out there' practitioner, healer, therapist, psychic, therapy, diet..whatever, that comes to to you as a possible lead for this, I'd appreciate hearing about it.. So far, the right practitioner has come through at the right time over the last year or so... they all seem to be quirky, different in some way.. but each has taken me to a new level of understanding of my body, emotional stuff etc... your bog standard 'therapist' doesnt seem to cut it with me anymore....
oh joy! I do love life! I do want to breathe! I do want to be here! I DO!
Since my last blog entry, I've been in contemplative mood and have gone through many realisations about myself, my relationship with Mother...my birth mother, adoptive mother, absent birth father etc etc.... connections with trauma at early age etc.... all ok and real..recognising that maybe I have some more layers to explore....
On a more physical level though, my breathing issue has become so chronic, I have been re-exploring my medical history and fear that the suspician last year that I might have Relapsing Polychondritis might well be the cause of the breathing stuff. I shake my head... because in labelling it, even like this, is like establishing it.. Its a terrible disease where the immune system attacks the bodies cartlidge..last year, my ears started having symptoms..but at the same time I had a cancer scare so decided to tackle things with diet... I went vegan. and that seemed to sort everything out..BUT my breathing issues remained... and have gradually got worse and worse.
The consultant last year said to me...you would be so unlucky to have RP, its so rare..I dont think you can have it... I remember at the time thinking, yeah...well that sounds like me! But there was no way I would have taken the drugs that people with this are put on.. so I didnt pursue it and went a different route.
Anyway, having read up on how RP affects the trachea/larynx, I have to say I am displaying classic signs and that is depressing! There is no cure..and prognosis dire BUT I also know that we create our dis ease..adn I am sure I can reverse this.. it feels like I am getting close to the root cause, adn thats why my breathing is getting so bad... its like its last fight!
I am tired, just sighed heavy and held my head! NOOOO! I wont be defeated... So to be practical I am seeking advice on what medical tests I need from other sufferers and going to go back to 100% veganism..I have no choice. I already have some 'alternative' tests lined up over the next few weeks and will continue with my usual routines s much as I can... tai chi, meditation, getting into the woods no matter how hard it is getting to get up the hill!
If anyone knows of any 'out there' practitioner, healer, therapist, psychic, therapy, diet..whatever, that comes to to you as a possible lead for this, I'd appreciate hearing about it.. So far, the right practitioner has come through at the right time over the last year or so... they all seem to be quirky, different in some way.. but each has taken me to a new level of understanding of my body, emotional stuff etc... your bog standard 'therapist' doesnt seem to cut it with me anymore....
oh joy! I do love life! I do want to breathe! I do want to be here! I DO!
Saturday, 18 September 2010
Despair, Sinking, dark places,...Sleep.........beautiful day today!
Yesterday evening I went into this dark place, revealed a dark side..one that isnt real, one that wishes to hurt, one that wishes to be noticed and soothed... I was alone, feeling sorry for myself, trying not to anticipate another sleepless night of breathing problems...
I didnt help myself consciously, instead, I had a glass of wine...so the wrong thing to do.. for it only assisted in my spiralling down into more despair and negativity. A friend skyped me and in the middle of our conversation, I switched the computer..wanting her to worry about what had happened... it felt good but immediately I knew that was so unreal...and felt sick that I could even think/do such a thing.. dark side revealed herself! I have been stopping myself crying for fear that it would only make my bloodshot eyes and breathing worse.. but this time, i didnt stop it.. I cried and cried, releasing all the 'crap' I'd held in..
I threw the rest of the wine away, switched off the comedy dvd's, that were supposed to be 'cheering me up', ate something to soak up the alchohol and sat outside under the half moon...then lit the candles on my altar and meditated...became more centred and real with myself.
In preparation for bed, I propped up loads of pillows to enable me to sit up in bed to help my breathing, lit a candle, got a hot water bottle, prepared a hot drink in a flask for the night and decided to take half a sleeping tablet that my doctor gave me last year. I hate the feeling of 'losing control' when taking such a drug... but I hoped it woudl relax me and my windpipe/lungs enough to enable me to get some sleep... I drifted off watching the half moon sink out of the window frame.
I awoke in the early hours to Milo howling at the phone ringing..it was a friend, a guy that I have become close to..he was concerned about me..worried that I might choose to stop breathing again.. and die... We talked for ages, me propped up in bed, I cried some more, released some more stuff, admitting that my body aches and aches... He loved me through in his own way...and I fell to sleep gently.
The sunshine through my blind awoke me this morning...everything looks brighter of course.. blue skies..although cold. I feel like I have been hit by a bus..but at least my eyes have gone back to their clear white..and slowly my body is releasing its tension and coming back to me. My breathing is still bad, my throat seems so closed...but I know that the last lot of work I;ve done on it went deep.. and it will take gentleness and time to integrate... I dont want it dampened down or calmed.. I need to heal this..whatever it is....
I didnt help myself consciously, instead, I had a glass of wine...so the wrong thing to do.. for it only assisted in my spiralling down into more despair and negativity. A friend skyped me and in the middle of our conversation, I switched the computer..wanting her to worry about what had happened... it felt good but immediately I knew that was so unreal...and felt sick that I could even think/do such a thing.. dark side revealed herself! I have been stopping myself crying for fear that it would only make my bloodshot eyes and breathing worse.. but this time, i didnt stop it.. I cried and cried, releasing all the 'crap' I'd held in..
I threw the rest of the wine away, switched off the comedy dvd's, that were supposed to be 'cheering me up', ate something to soak up the alchohol and sat outside under the half moon...then lit the candles on my altar and meditated...became more centred and real with myself.
In preparation for bed, I propped up loads of pillows to enable me to sit up in bed to help my breathing, lit a candle, got a hot water bottle, prepared a hot drink in a flask for the night and decided to take half a sleeping tablet that my doctor gave me last year. I hate the feeling of 'losing control' when taking such a drug... but I hoped it woudl relax me and my windpipe/lungs enough to enable me to get some sleep... I drifted off watching the half moon sink out of the window frame.
I awoke in the early hours to Milo howling at the phone ringing..it was a friend, a guy that I have become close to..he was concerned about me..worried that I might choose to stop breathing again.. and die... We talked for ages, me propped up in bed, I cried some more, released some more stuff, admitting that my body aches and aches... He loved me through in his own way...and I fell to sleep gently.
The sunshine through my blind awoke me this morning...everything looks brighter of course.. blue skies..although cold. I feel like I have been hit by a bus..but at least my eyes have gone back to their clear white..and slowly my body is releasing its tension and coming back to me. My breathing is still bad, my throat seems so closed...but I know that the last lot of work I;ve done on it went deep.. and it will take gentleness and time to integrate... I dont want it dampened down or calmed.. I need to heal this..whatever it is....
Thursday, 16 September 2010
Autumn moves in....saying goodbye to summer..
Not been sleeping well the last few nights..combination of breathing issues, and general energy stuff going on.. but been watching the half moon gently cross the sky.
There is a definate change in temperature now, the winds are cold, no hint of hot weather returning so I guess its almost time to pack away those summer tops and dresses.. this is what I plan to do this weekend, together with my tax return! oh the joys of single life! I smile! Saying goodbye to the summer...its certainly been a hell of a ride once again..
the leaves are still green, the fruit on the tress still ripe for eating but now turning mouldy and shrivelled from all the rain.. mushrooms abound though.. I am loving the fact I can go off into the woods and discover some fresh ones for tea each day...
This morning, went for some blood tests..my arm is aching now but at least I didnt faint! my GP had been sent a note re my collapse/crash team incident in hospital a few weeks ago.. so I wasnt allowed to leave their care today, for a good half hour.. to assure them I wouldnt repeat things on them. funny.. this time, I took my own ginger biscuits with me in case of emergency!
A client came for a treatment who suffers from MSA, which is similar to Parkinsons.. she wont be regular, she is just a visitor on the farm.. but she was so 'into' her disease and how it effects her daily life... the only respite she says she received was when she was asleep.. she was probably 'off-loading' to the 'therapist' here but it was shocking how low she was in energy.... I see that the mental attitude is so important to overcome such conditions... I must remember that when I start to get down about my breathing stuff..
you know its so quiet here... all i can here is the tap of the keyboard...and the whirl of the laptop
I have some 'work' to do, some employment law stuff but finding it hard to get the motivation...should try to do some before my next massage client..
There is a definate change in temperature now, the winds are cold, no hint of hot weather returning so I guess its almost time to pack away those summer tops and dresses.. this is what I plan to do this weekend, together with my tax return! oh the joys of single life! I smile! Saying goodbye to the summer...its certainly been a hell of a ride once again..
the leaves are still green, the fruit on the tress still ripe for eating but now turning mouldy and shrivelled from all the rain.. mushrooms abound though.. I am loving the fact I can go off into the woods and discover some fresh ones for tea each day...
This morning, went for some blood tests..my arm is aching now but at least I didnt faint! my GP had been sent a note re my collapse/crash team incident in hospital a few weeks ago.. so I wasnt allowed to leave their care today, for a good half hour.. to assure them I wouldnt repeat things on them. funny.. this time, I took my own ginger biscuits with me in case of emergency!
A client came for a treatment who suffers from MSA, which is similar to Parkinsons.. she wont be regular, she is just a visitor on the farm.. but she was so 'into' her disease and how it effects her daily life... the only respite she says she received was when she was asleep.. she was probably 'off-loading' to the 'therapist' here but it was shocking how low she was in energy.... I see that the mental attitude is so important to overcome such conditions... I must remember that when I start to get down about my breathing stuff..
you know its so quiet here... all i can here is the tap of the keyboard...and the whirl of the laptop
I have some 'work' to do, some employment law stuff but finding it hard to get the motivation...should try to do some before my next massage client..
Monday, 23 August 2010
New connections, Exploring...blackouts!
Not written for a while..been exploring a new connection with a beautiful, opening, young man that I met a short while ago...he has stayed a few days and its been wonderful to be 'seen', nourished and honoured by the masculine principle. It is something that I needed at this time to remind me that man can see and love the goddess and adore pure femininity.. I have flowered! Whilst neither of us can see potential for a 'relationship' in a romantic sense...we acknowledge that there is something that connects us in whatever way that unfolds..
This morning I passed out at the hospital..I was just having a regular check up..and whilst the nurse was talking to me, I realised that I was starting to leave the body... I started to heat up, voices echoing around..and sinking fast... but I fought it and asked for a biscuit or something to bring me back.. they didnt get chance.. the blackness came up on me suddenly and I just disappeared..
Its been many years since I have fainted (probably before I had my near death)..I have had some close calls. but this is the first time, I went all the way..since I experienced oneness, the absolute... and you know.. it was a powerful experience. Similar to going into the blackness through meditation say, but it enveloped me quicker..and I was not 'conscious' of entering the blackness..
Anyway... as I 'came back'... the jouney came back first through hearing voices again, and then faces peering at me and I seemed to be fighting something to get to the faces....it took me ages to make it through that tunnel and very painful! Then I cried..realising I had disappeared but had come back!
A crash team had been called as I had stopped breathing for longer than the average faint.... I realised yet again, I had stopped breathing.. ironically all happened in the chest clinic, where they are looking at what is causing my breathing issues! I go to tick the boxes and you never know they just might find something physical...but in truth I know..its down to me and my choosing on some level.
These wonderful bodies...my wonderful body.. that has been touched so beautifully, felt such wondrous beauty..with the power for health or creation of dis-ease... AARRGGHHH!!! Why do I keep wanting escape!
This morning I passed out at the hospital..I was just having a regular check up..and whilst the nurse was talking to me, I realised that I was starting to leave the body... I started to heat up, voices echoing around..and sinking fast... but I fought it and asked for a biscuit or something to bring me back.. they didnt get chance.. the blackness came up on me suddenly and I just disappeared..
Its been many years since I have fainted (probably before I had my near death)..I have had some close calls. but this is the first time, I went all the way..since I experienced oneness, the absolute... and you know.. it was a powerful experience. Similar to going into the blackness through meditation say, but it enveloped me quicker..and I was not 'conscious' of entering the blackness..
Anyway... as I 'came back'... the jouney came back first through hearing voices again, and then faces peering at me and I seemed to be fighting something to get to the faces....it took me ages to make it through that tunnel and very painful! Then I cried..realising I had disappeared but had come back!
A crash team had been called as I had stopped breathing for longer than the average faint.... I realised yet again, I had stopped breathing.. ironically all happened in the chest clinic, where they are looking at what is causing my breathing issues! I go to tick the boxes and you never know they just might find something physical...but in truth I know..its down to me and my choosing on some level.
These wonderful bodies...my wonderful body.. that has been touched so beautifully, felt such wondrous beauty..with the power for health or creation of dis-ease... AARRGGHHH!!! Why do I keep wanting escape!
Friday, 13 August 2010
Whales. dolphins, realisations, healing...breath!
I have been on retreat for the last week or so, sitting with people I hadnt met before, discovering new paths, tools, flavours of dances...
for want of a better word, 'learning' something called 'Ilahinoor', brought through by a very humble man called Kiara. It is an Energy transmissions that for me was as deep as 'The Form', which I have shared for years adn will contine to do so.. however, Ilahinoor is being shared in a very different way with humanity. I will leave discussion of these for another time, but most significantly for me, was my recognition of a forgotten resonance with Whales/dolphin energy..
Kiara had an experience with a whale some years ago and he brings this into his work... I remembered at the beginning of the week that I had been given a tape of whale/dolphin sounds when I was in hospital following my near death (13 yrs ago).. I played that tape practically 24/7 for 6 weeks, continually meditating and experiencing so much on different levels of consciousness. However, since then, I have never been drawn to play such music again.
That tape, took me in to such a calm, meditative state, that I was able to 'deal' with all that was thrown at me to clear at that time.. I took so much energy from the whales/dolphin communications...amazing! How could I forget...I never said thank you!
At the end of the retreat this week, we worked in groups and I had the following realisation when it was my turn in the middle:
I went in, deep, into nothingness, blackness...easily. ..I didnt want to breathe...just wanted to disappear and go home, into the cosmos...I had stopped breathing and it was wonderful.. however at some point, I was aware that the people around me had moved away and I knew my time in the session was over and I needed to move, and serve the others. But to do that.. I had to take a breathe, return to my physical body and breathe again.. it was painful.. both the struggle to return, to breathe and come into my body and also knowing that I had a choiceless choice to return to serve...that was what I needed to do.
Its not the first time that has happened.. but I had 'thought' I had come through this and was accepting of the fact, I am here, in a body..and that I have a job to do. but no, it came back.
I have unexplained breathing problems on a day to day basis...of course if I am not accepting that I am in the body, I am here.. of course I am having issues with this! The others were saying, we want you here, come back, you have a job to do etc etc... I just shook my head and cried.
I was lead to lay down and not work on anyone else and I allowed my self to enter that nothingness again..knowing that the others were ok.. and it was amazing... I 'returned' (?) to the sea, was underwater, I could breathe under water..it was freeing... and I danced with many whales, of different 'races', I could feel my own flesh and so enjoyed the breath underwater..
At some point, I found that I had swum onto some land..half in water, half in the air.. and I struggled again..It was as though my flesh was transforming into limbs..and I slowly uncurled fingers, toes and could feel the sand underneath me...but each time, I tried to move.. I felt a hand on me, gently encouraging me to go back into the water... and I surrendered to that... that happened several times, each time, it felt I had evolved into another form, about to take the first moves and I would gently be pushed back into the water.
All this was new to me, I have never had a particular resonance with whales/dolphins and I cannot swim, hate having my head in the water... dislike boats..the lot! However, there was such a clear message in all this, my reluctance to accept that I am here to serve in some way, the link with my own breathing problems etc. I have never had suicidal thoughts and I would not choose to leave this body that way...this is more a knowing that on some level, I can choose to leave and disappear..and that is tempting...but I also deeply know that I need to be here in human form at this time.
So...I am inspired to go deeper into this water/whale connection - quite how as i cannot swim I dont know yet. Maybe I dont need to. I keep being told that I have a job to do, that I am needed..even this weekend several people said this and they hardly spent time with me..I shake my head at them..because I have no idea how to do this, what my purpose is.. I can only trust that this will become clear when the time is right...
If you want to know more about Ilhainoor or The Form, their websites are:
www.ilahinoor.net
www.bernieprior.org
for want of a better word, 'learning' something called 'Ilahinoor', brought through by a very humble man called Kiara. It is an Energy transmissions that for me was as deep as 'The Form', which I have shared for years adn will contine to do so.. however, Ilahinoor is being shared in a very different way with humanity. I will leave discussion of these for another time, but most significantly for me, was my recognition of a forgotten resonance with Whales/dolphin energy..
Kiara had an experience with a whale some years ago and he brings this into his work... I remembered at the beginning of the week that I had been given a tape of whale/dolphin sounds when I was in hospital following my near death (13 yrs ago).. I played that tape practically 24/7 for 6 weeks, continually meditating and experiencing so much on different levels of consciousness. However, since then, I have never been drawn to play such music again.
That tape, took me in to such a calm, meditative state, that I was able to 'deal' with all that was thrown at me to clear at that time.. I took so much energy from the whales/dolphin communications...amazing! How could I forget...I never said thank you!
At the end of the retreat this week, we worked in groups and I had the following realisation when it was my turn in the middle:
I went in, deep, into nothingness, blackness...easily. ..I didnt want to breathe...just wanted to disappear and go home, into the cosmos...I had stopped breathing and it was wonderful.. however at some point, I was aware that the people around me had moved away and I knew my time in the session was over and I needed to move, and serve the others. But to do that.. I had to take a breathe, return to my physical body and breathe again.. it was painful.. both the struggle to return, to breathe and come into my body and also knowing that I had a choiceless choice to return to serve...that was what I needed to do.
Its not the first time that has happened.. but I had 'thought' I had come through this and was accepting of the fact, I am here, in a body..and that I have a job to do. but no, it came back.
I have unexplained breathing problems on a day to day basis...of course if I am not accepting that I am in the body, I am here.. of course I am having issues with this! The others were saying, we want you here, come back, you have a job to do etc etc... I just shook my head and cried.
I was lead to lay down and not work on anyone else and I allowed my self to enter that nothingness again..knowing that the others were ok.. and it was amazing... I 'returned' (?) to the sea, was underwater, I could breathe under water..it was freeing... and I danced with many whales, of different 'races', I could feel my own flesh and so enjoyed the breath underwater..
At some point, I found that I had swum onto some land..half in water, half in the air.. and I struggled again..It was as though my flesh was transforming into limbs..and I slowly uncurled fingers, toes and could feel the sand underneath me...but each time, I tried to move.. I felt a hand on me, gently encouraging me to go back into the water... and I surrendered to that... that happened several times, each time, it felt I had evolved into another form, about to take the first moves and I would gently be pushed back into the water.
All this was new to me, I have never had a particular resonance with whales/dolphins and I cannot swim, hate having my head in the water... dislike boats..the lot! However, there was such a clear message in all this, my reluctance to accept that I am here to serve in some way, the link with my own breathing problems etc. I have never had suicidal thoughts and I would not choose to leave this body that way...this is more a knowing that on some level, I can choose to leave and disappear..and that is tempting...but I also deeply know that I need to be here in human form at this time.
So...I am inspired to go deeper into this water/whale connection - quite how as i cannot swim I dont know yet. Maybe I dont need to. I keep being told that I have a job to do, that I am needed..even this weekend several people said this and they hardly spent time with me..I shake my head at them..because I have no idea how to do this, what my purpose is.. I can only trust that this will become clear when the time is right...
If you want to know more about Ilhainoor or The Form, their websites are:
www.ilahinoor.net
www.bernieprior.org
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