Past coming round..completions.. Rural retreats!

First Full Moon of the year!  and my, cant we feel it!  First blog of the year...  much has transitioned since my last entry. Visitors and friends have now all left after festivities and birthday, clots dissolved and lurghies disappeared!   The New is coming in and there is an optimism surrounding everything...acceptance of what cannot be changed and continued loving of all that is...

Its been a weird old week for me and today I have been hibernating, meditating, writing and reflecting..

Last week I helped out a friend in a demonstration of 'biodanza' for a local Womens' Institute Group..lovely to see how he could command a room of 60 women, aged from their fifties upwards in moving and feeling in ways they had never done before.    Many were nervous of looking into each others' eyes, moving with freedom, moving to the different music being played...ALL were beautiful!  A few were touched by it as I was and there were tears of recognition of sisterhood and love. 

Last weekend, I bumped into my ex hubby..we haven't seen each other for some fifteen years. For what seems like minutes, there was  nothing to say..we just looked into each others eyes.  When words were spoken it was loving and with a recognition of the journey we have both taken since our separation.  A bit surreal to see how his body has changed, hair turned grey and yet his eyes were still as smiley and sparkly as ever they were!  After a while, we hugged and said goodbye, he spoke of how great I looked..warmed me with his tenderness.

Then as I was waiting to meet someone in town a few days later, I watched a familiar face walk past me in the street...it was an old friend from when I was married....again, I hadn't seen him for over fifteen years either.  Disbelief that it had really been that long since we had all got together as a group of friends, a catch up and again a tender goodbye and wish to be remembered to the others.

Surreal and yet it felt like there was some completion of yet another circle from my past.  Out of all the sadness, grief and bitterness surrounding our separation..years later an acknowledgement of love that was always underneath it all.  We had been a big part of each of our 'growing up' in life...

A week of action in amongst reflection.  My book is nearing the top of my pile to complete and send off (I know said it before!)...and I have now set a date for me to hold the space for a rural retreat.  Details of which follow if any of you are interested...lets see how it manifests!

Namaste

Lissy
X

Come and Join me in a beautiful location in The Teme Valley to learn or deepen in the movement 

of  The Form - Reality Practice™. 

The Form is a profound instrument of awakening.  

Uniquely, it can be practiced alone or shared with another.

Saturday 1st March - Sunday 2nd March - Parts 1 & 2

Monday 3rd March - Tuesday 4th March - Parts 3 & 4

(Parts 1/2 and 3/4 can be taken separately for those only able to attend at the weekend)

Why not immerse yourself in the experience and attend on a residential basis.   Four star accommodation with access to a sauna, hot tub and therapy room available.

"Begin to see how Source as the "Real You" moves, how the Mystery unfolds and bring this alive 

in every moment!"

For further details, please message me via Facebook or email me at : lisa.matthews@realitypractice.net

Never ending deepening, fully living regardless of the body!

I have just returned from another retreat with Bernie...yet again I am amazed at the depths I am touching..it truly is endless.  Even as I re listened to the audio yesterday, there was an even deeper knowing, from another point, another level of being...it's like I am a giant kaleidoscope - I am!  This is so hard to put into words! 

I cried with the enormity of this multi dimensional reality, the vastness and the responsibility of knowing that....and then I can hear a call for 'more..ready for the next'..which makes me laugh at the same time as the crying!

Seeing  the potential for the evolution of humanity..It is a choice less choice now...I give over everything!  Thy will be done!

In amongst all this, this body mind is doing it's thing...hospital next week as there is some concern about my trachea again...I will go, take the tests, listen to the consultants views.  And yet I feel wonder filled!  I have not 'felt' this well for a long time regardless of what may appear on scans of this body!   

I get on with life..and allow it to move me...

Amongst the many many things I heard at the weekend with Bernie, one discussion that humbled me which seems fitting for this blog entry is transcribed below:

"He is shattered..I am shattered...what a wonderful state...there is pain in my body..I am wonderfully shattered.  I get on a plane and the shattering says "I can't do this" ... I say "p off shattering, I am going".  I will attend to it when I have time to.

Get in your new body...do you really think you need to look after your body..?  Yes I do when I do...but the real looking after your body is being true.  Whilst you are being true, the very genetics of humanity are being changed by a higher power. 

Any realiser has something happening in their body.  There have been some great realisers that have died of all manner of cancers and things.  Things move in the body when you begin to become who you really are...there is transformation on every level.  So look after your body but live fully!"


A life threatening blood clot woke this one up..suddenly!  Such transformation took place at that time, it changed my life utterly and completely. It led me to search for more and I then met Bernie.  At my first retreat with Bernie, I entered the cosmos, the deathband and realised immortality.  Shortly after that, a few months of living with him, I was diagnosed with severe anaemia..the doctors were puzzled because they couldn't find a cause for it, nor could they understand how I was even walking as the blood count was so low.  Bernie told me they would never find the cause - as my DNA had changed.  This I now know.. On so many levels.

Illness and unusual diagnoses have been a major part of my journey...they have led me to so many paths, situations and people that I wouldn't have encountered otherwise.  Such transformation is a gift.  I am grateful  for all of it! 

So!  If Bernie can get on an airplane exhausted with his body calling for rest..then I can also...it is what I am being called to do!    

Namaste
X

ps.  Bernie is now in South Africa with a team of teachers of The Form that have been sharing CosmoForm around the townships.  I have been so in awe by how they are touching many in this way...truly humbling.  Please check out what are they doing here:

http://www.cosmoforminitiative.org/

Wow....that was one of the most profound retreats I have been on held by Bernie Prior.  I wrote a blog every day whilst I was away..but didnt publish them.  Having just reviewed them, if I published them now, it would be well over twenty pages...so here is a short(ish) sharing.

I was blessed to receive an opening, a 'download' every day.  Each day, it would drop through, integrate through my physical body and I would then hear a voice saying 'more...ready for the next'..  It was the same voice or call that I heard to go to Tuscany in the first place..it came from somewhere deep within, not Lisa's voice. 

For the first few days I found myself readjusting to seemingly returning to something...but being new.  I didn't quite know where I fitted it...but also loved the fact I was almost anonymous, hardly anyone 'knew' me.

There were many profound openings...and I was enthralled at watching the energy of being, of transformation circulate above the people in satsang...watching it drop into a body before the person realised it...watching them  literally transform in front of me.  It was magical... Why did I ever stop coming...this is what inspires me...this is what I must do...I love watching the movement of transformation..I am passionate about how humanity can transform and evolve...

I re dedicated my life to that, of service to this.  Sat with my teacher, master once more..but in a different place..a new place.  I drank in consciousness with a passion and delighted in the depths.  No more distraction of man, health, my personal life...I am here to live a profound meaningful life. 

One of the pinnacle moments came when we visited Assisi and the St Francis hermitage.  I went in innocence,  not really knowing the story of st Francis, apart from the fact it was an important place to Bernie.  Pretty much as soon as I stepped onto the coach, tears began..not knowing why they came...just that something vast was opening.  I received a message on my phone and I was curious...I listened to an unknown caller shout 'Rama, Rama, Rama'....bizarre.  (i just looked up the story of lord Rama.  Rama is revered for his unending compassion, courage and devotion to religious values and duty - so fitting!)

The tears continued to flow as we as a group walked in silence up the path... I noticed the trees shapes, roots exposed and touched them as I passed.  We reached the buildings of the hermitage..ducked through the stone doorways..and people were congregating in each room.  I am not one for religious buildings so I passed by quickly. I did spot that one room had a red peace Lilly in it...the same plant as in my meditation room at home.  (I later found out that this 'room' was in fact the cave where st Francis meditated)

I, however was drawn to the trees that edged the upper path.  I came across a statue of St Francis lying on the ground.  A huge energy went through my body,and I knelt down at his feet...touched them with love and reverence.  I closed my eyes and saw how I had once knelt down and kissed the feet of my teacher, master in satsang, many years previously.  They were one and the same master..how could I ever have left the masters feet?  I cried knowing that from that moment, I had re dedicated my life to serve love, truth and humanity.

I carried on along the path with reverence and felt such grace.  I came across a group of nuns receiving a sermon from a Franciscan  priest...as I approached I heard these words:

"however you serve life, do it with your whole being and in joy"

I received these words and their frequency deeply and I sat down, overlooking them in the clearing..listening..

Every word he said was received into my body...and I couldn't stop the tears.  The nuns noticed me, looked up at me and smiled..no one said anything directly to me. I looked at the nuns...various ages and faces..devoting themselves to god. I also felt like a  nun...in devotion to love and truth and the serving of that.

"See god in all, see god in everything".  "Whatever you do in life, even if it's washing up...do it wholly and completely...with joy".

Everything he said was what Bernie had been speaking about..and what I knew to be true.  I could no longer mess around, I had to serve this...I knew that even though I had thought I had given over my life to that...that now the whole was required..there was so much more to give.  No more personal life..no more playing in the body, mind field of experience.

The sermon was finishing, the nuns were putting away their notepads...I stood up and one of them noticed me.  I touched my heart in gratitude for having been part of their lesson.  She said something to one of the priests..  He looked up at me and said, something to the group.  Everyone was laughing and I laughed too but the tears of gratitude would not stop.  I touched my lips, them my heart to express my gratitude once again.

Two of my friends came up to greet me.. The priest called up to ask if he could take a picture.. The one who had been giving the teaching called up..look..she is already wearing the dress.  (I was wearing a long green dress) ...St Francis practical he announced.  Everyone laughed...I took his words right into my heart..I was to live what I had heard in a practical way..day by day..moment to moment.  I cried and laughed at the same time, put my shawl over my head.. They took a picture.

My friends held me as I walked away, feeling so blessed and humbled.  We rejoined our main group..and I could not really speak..I was in reverence to what I had received.  Bernie sat with us...he knew.. I touched his feet and said..I once prostrated to you in satsang...as I did today with st Francis..how could I ever have left.  He said..you had to leave to come back deeper.    Profound. 

Later as I walked around the town of Assisi.  I happened upon another statue of st Francis...he was standing beside a woman, holding her hand.  It stopped me in my tracks and drew me closer...so a woman, SHE stood by this man, who was she?  As I stood there...a few hands touched my back ..I turned round, and the same group of nuns from earlier were stood around me..chattering to me Italian.  More tears, more touching of my heart to express my gratitude to them...so blessed.  I later found out that the statue was of a woman known as st Clare..who gave up her personal life to work alongside st Francis..and he was the first to bring in a woman to lead a group of nuns...

The power of the transmission of that day went in so deep...I was only just about able to function...  I barely ate and even my favourite food, pizza was barely tasted.  Profundity indeed!

There was a satsang with Bernie that evening and this is what took place..I sat on the floor, sinking deeper and deeper...I no longer had any edges...when I tried to focus on an edge, my skin, another body, table...it blurred and disintegrated and I moved through it..and yet could see from all aspects...when someone spoke, it took me eons to orientate where the voice was originating from.    My physical body was vibrating, I felt cold but burning a fire inside. 

Bernie asked us to hold hands with our neighbour...I couldn't move...a millimetre felt like a thousand miles..when someone touched my hand...I didnt feel it as a separate hand...I was the seeming other.. no boundary existed.  I breathed deep, and heard that voice calling for the next..more...a part of my self laughed...my god, this is never ending.

I was somehow aware that at the end of the satsang, forms were moving out of the room...I called for Bernie from within..he didnt come to me.  So just breathed deep, and sank into this amazing expansiveness. 

I was above my body, I was all..everything, every form...I could move outside of the room, I could listen in on conversations, energetically take part, move so freely and yet my physical body was stuck to the meditation stool.  My body I knew needed water..and I saw water..I called for someone to bring me water...but that was, absurd...as I then became the water itself..    Everything was vibrating...one huge heart beat....and yet in the background a high pitch frequency...  

I heard that voice again.

"..I am that.  All Is in my self.  The one self.  Nothing is solid.  I am that...all move within me, the container and I am that container..    Nothing and yet everything... Never ending."

I tried to move my physical body but it was not easy...it took tremendous energy to lift a finger.  Eventually I was able to sit up, in the darkness I scribbled on my notepad the words I had heard/spoken.  There were no words and yet with conscious reflection, I have been able to write more than than there is space here..truly vast.

Sometime in the night my roommate discovered I was not in bed..and came for me.  I felt like a child..having to relearn everything about the physical body.  She helped me back to the room..I am so grateful to my sister for caring for me that night.

I was completely changed....nothing was the same to me.  Every cell had been changed.. My sisters ensured I was ok, that I ate a little and I gently integrated back to feeling something of my physical body.  That voice though continued to ask for more...I was astonished at the vastness of it...in my heart share group all I could say was...you have no idea...this is vast...it really is never ending.  Laughing at the cosmic joke..it changed my understanding of everything..absolutely everything.

My life is now given.. I will only serve that.  Humanity needs to wake up, I have to take responsibility and serve life...inspired to facilitate transformation.

I have been asked to share through words, speaking from my heart in a real way... it is something that the ego self has resisted and I am now committed to speaking from the higher woman, SHE.  Lisa has cried with the enormity and laughed at the simplicity of it...

I envisioned completing the book I have started...of this woman's journey through near death, meeting her teacher, master, lover, living of that. Of the realisations through the practice of The Form...so right now that is my focus.  

So many realisations and growth following that night that I have no space on this blog for...realisation of how the ego self still tries its play..how seemingly others move and yet they are me, within me..such a matrix, a knowing from the depth of the higher woman and how SHE must share that regardless of how Lisa might resist.

Such grace..Truly blessed.  But none of this is mine...it's whole purpose is to evolve humanity..for all. 

This blog is changing..will change.. I am changed.  When I look back at some of my previous writings, I see a much deeper understanding...when I hear Bernie speak, I am hearing from a vaster knowing.  I can  hardly keep up with what is unfolding...

Namaste

Lissy.x

ps.. a couple of pics for you..

Follow this link to find out more about Bernie Prior retreats.

Returning to the body...Dis Ease...

Been spending the last few days getting used to this 'new' body.  I had been feeling quite cut off, hard to feel any energy, less sensitive which I am just not used to...and now feel wonderful.

Interesting to note that after surgery I didnt like my solar plexus area to be touched in any way...I tried to go through the resistence but it was painful for someone even to hover their hand over that area.  This is where the umbilical chord is cut off at birth..it is the energy line to the astral plane...this is where we leave our bodies when we enter sleep and the route in which we return on awakening..     I didnt ever pay much attention to astral travel and the like but I am feeling that I left my body during surgery and although I had returned to some extent....it has taken a while for me to get fully back into my body!  It was definately blocked in some way..or I was resistent to coming back.

My blood sugar levels have also been all over the place...so craving sugar and crappy food!  The solar plexus is also linked to the Throat Chakra..wondering if my body was trying to use food to ground me more?

In any case, with some beautiful loving energy, love making (a most powerful way to bring back energy), gentle encouragement, touch and massage..I now feel more here and so alive..able to cope with the internet a little more and write a blog.  On my own once more, i have returned to my cocoon, self massaging with arnica, lavender, going within, talking with my trachea, immune system, breath work, reading, Chi gong, Tai Chi, The Form..and just being.

So... whilst healing, I am looking at why create a throat problem in the first place.  Throat is about 'hiding my truth'...my throat has been constricted... What in life is constricting me?   Need to express it!  Yes, feel as if I have been there, done that....but feel the desire to re look.. 
 
Dis ease is an agent of transformation...we transform when we re cognise with our deep purpose...not necessarily 'cured'...sometimes it is how it is!

As a start.. for anyone with a dis ease... look at  this question.. "What are the advantages of being ill?"  Be honest!  Its surprising what you write...

For me:

It has given me 'space'...time...
I have received love, support, tenderness, attention
It has taught be empathy for others
It has given me some sort of purpose and identity!
I feel more devotion to life
More awareness
Humbleness
I have learned to be more surrendered and to have acceptance of what is.

Hmmmm...

I could re look at when it all started...any triggers.... yes .. can see things..but still not the whole picture!

I feel Its about me hiding my truth.... can I be ME... express my truth to ALL..including family - parents!  hmmmm....

I also get saddened when I read of others' despondency and distress at their prognosis of an illness...I too have been there..still creeps in occasionally...  I want to talk to them of acceptance and surrender to what is...look at the higher purpose, bigger picture etc...spirituality, tools and meditation, visualisations, exercises etc... but how will this be received?  Is it preachey, lecturing? arrogance, whacky..who am I to say such things?  I think it was only a couple of weeks ago i was so 'down' about having RP..what was the point in surgery if the constriction might come back...there is no cure bla bla bla.. I was telling myself...I am so not perfect!

Yesterday I received an email from someone saying they were inspired by my journey...today someone said they were in 'awe' of my life...  I find it so hard to hear...and accept that I am perceived to be different...I am not..this 'life' is not special...all life is special!  I have spent all my life trying NOT to stand out, to be part of the crowd, hidden, not special - mainly because i was always told as a child that I was 'special' because i was chosen (adopted) etc.  I shake my head!

And yet, I have chosen some 'different' paths..taken opportunities 'out of the norm'...lived in unorthodox ways, even put myself 'out there' by writing a blog!    Paradoxical!  Some may say it is inspiring..others might ignore...a few might well just cut me off...am I ready for that too!  What is all this about? 


Much to explore and I am excited and in trepidation as to the possibilities ahead....much newness entering this life...newness of breath, voice, purpose...courage... Loving it all in this moment.

Namaste
X

Retreating......more diagnosis!

Just come back from a five day retreat in Devon...wonderful space re-connecting with The Form, soaking up the energy and yummy food!  My body behaved itself in the main, the weather was good and everyone was so friendly and welcoming.

Milo had a good time with his dog sitters - even managed to find a new doggy girl-friend called Molly.  Apparently they were so sweet together!

With all my bags in the lounge ready to unpack and put away, I listen to my messages  and my GP had been trying to get hold of me regarding a letter.   I open the post and there is a new letter from my London consultant - not great news!  along with the diagnosis of RP, it seems I tested positive for Lupus and Coombs, have very high blood pressure and he suspects I may also have antiphospholipid syndrome and scleritis in my eyes.  Ugh!

Luckily, I wasnt able to get straight onto the internet but I was in a tizz for a few hours..  I felt so fed up, tired from travelling and couldnt face putting all the stuff in my lounge away or eat.  I didnt know what to do really - I really wanted to cry - but couldnt or wouldnt as I didnt want my throat to get irritated and my eyes get sore.   Deep breathing, a few Form movements - didnt want to upset my parents who are the closest in distance to me - just wanted to hear what my GP had to say.    He eventually 'phoned me back to discuss various appointments for tests and to tell me not to research any of these new things!  He knows me well!

Too late though - wont do too much more until I see the specialist again but from I have read, these things could explain some of the mysterious illnesses. symptoms and miscarriages I have had over the years.  That is a positive thing - I no longer feel I am going mad.  At least now with 'labels', I feel I am believed more and I can now 'let go'...  that feeling of taking a deep breath and dropping the tension in relief.

Back to the retreat - whilst before I was still feeling I had let myself down in someway, failed in having to have conventional treatment to feel better, over the space of the last few days and really listening to what a couple of people had to say, I am not beating myself up so much.

These things happen to us as human beings as part of the experience... for whatever reason - maybe some higher purpose.  Accepting conventional therapy maybe part of that experience too - and maybe I need to see that ALL things are part of God/the creator/I/the one....  including pharmaceutical drugs - all part of the same.    I know of spiritual teachers, enlightened teachers that have also had illness, taken drugs to help them...it is not a failure, just part of the experience.

So.... Namaste to life!

Whales. dolphins, realisations, healing...breath!

I have been on retreat for the last week or so, sitting with people I hadnt met before, discovering new paths, tools, flavours of dances...

for want of a better word, 'learning' something called 'Ilahinoor', brought through by a very humble man called Kiara.  It is an Energy transmissions that for me was as deep as 'The Form', which I have shared for years adn will contine to do so..  however, Ilahinoor is being shared in a very different way with humanity.  I will leave discussion of these for another time, but most significantly for me, was my recognition of a forgotten resonance with Whales/dolphin energy..

Kiara had an experience with a whale some years ago and he brings this into his work...  I remembered at the beginning of the week that I had been given a tape of whale/dolphin sounds when I was in hospital following my near death (13 yrs ago)..  I played that tape practically 24/7 for 6 weeks, continually meditating and experiencing so much on different levels of consciousness.  However, since then, I have never been drawn to play such music again.

That tape, took me in to such a calm, meditative state, that I was able to 'deal' with all that was thrown at me to clear at that time..  I took so much energy from the whales/dolphin communications...amazing!  How could I forget...I never said thank you!

At the end of the retreat this week, we worked in groups and I had the following realisation when it was my turn in the middle:

I went in, deep, into nothingness, blackness...easily.  ..I didnt want to breathe...just wanted to disappear and go home, into the cosmos...I had stopped breathing and it was wonderful..   however at some point, I was aware that the people around me had moved away and I knew my time in the session was over and I needed to move, and serve the others.  But to do that.. I had to take a breathe, return to my physical body and breathe again.. it was painful..   both the struggle to return, to breathe and come into my body and also knowing that I had a choiceless choice to return to serve...that was what I needed to do.

Its not the first time that has happened.. but I had 'thought' I had come through this and was accepting of the fact, I am here, in a body..and that I have a job to do.  but no, it came back.

I have unexplained breathing problems on a day to day basis...of course if I am not accepting that I am in the body, I am here.. of course I am having issues with this!  The others were saying, we want you here, come back, you have a job to do etc etc... I just shook my head and cried.


I was lead to lay down and not work on anyone else and I allowed my self to enter that nothingness again..knowing that the others were ok..  and it was amazing... I 'returned' (?) to the sea, was underwater, I could breathe under water..it was freeing...  and I danced with many whales, of different 'races', I could feel my own flesh and so enjoyed the breath underwater..    

At some point, I found that I had swum onto some land..half in water, half in the air.. and I struggled again..It was as though my flesh was transforming into limbs..and I slowly uncurled fingers, toes and could feel the sand underneath me...but each time, I tried to move..  I felt a hand on me, gently encouraging me to go back into the water...  and I surrendered to that...   that happened several times, each time, it felt I had evolved into another form, about to take the first moves and I would gently be pushed back into the water.

All this was new to me, I have never had a particular resonance with whales/dolphins and I cannot swim, hate having my head in the water... dislike boats..the lot!  However, there was such a clear message in all this, my reluctance to accept that I am here to serve in some way, the link with my own breathing problems etc.  I have never had suicidal thoughts and I would not choose  to leave this body that way...this is more a knowing that on some level, I can choose to leave and disappear..and that is tempting...but I also deeply know that I  need to be here in human form at this time.

So...I am inspired to go deeper into this water/whale connection - quite how as i cannot swim I dont know yet.  Maybe I dont need to.   I keep being told that I have a job to do, that I am needed..even this weekend several people said this and they hardly spent time with me..I shake my head at them..because I have no idea how to do this, what my purpose is.. I can only trust that this will become clear when the time is right...

If you want to know more about Ilhainoor or The Form, their websites are:

www.ilahinoor.net
www.bernieprior.org