Year End...Grateful thanks....

Been an age since I last wrote!  Unfortunately the health issues have continued and I did end up with some blood clots in my leg to deal with along with an on going cold.    Luckily the clots were in the superficial veins but they were still very painful...it was very empowering though to be able to do my own heparin injections in my tummy! 

It's a weird time of year for me...it seems there are always beginning and endings around Christmas time.  Throughout my life I have noticed that that period between Xmas and New year, separations or drama of some sort happen..and in each late February, early spring, a new beginning or change of some sort comes into my life.  It's actually quite magical if it wasn't so bloody painful at times.  I always hope that that year is the last year that the pattern repeats.    My first ever relationship..with my birth mother ended soon after birth with a separation.  Between Xmas and new year she was preparing to give birth to the daughter she already knew she was giving up for adoption eight weeks later. 

A new Being entered my life briefly early Winter then disappeared over Christmas.  That fleeting romance showed me so much.  It showed me how I had built a wall of resistance and distrust of man..I had built in a radar to hunt out 'controlling' behaviours and it was astonishing (and actually sickening) to watch me on the look out for the slightest hint of such behaviour.  I knew it wasn't my true self though as I could witness it as from my ego self...based on past projection...I was honest and vulnerable in my sharing of this...bless him, his true masculinity in holding that space.

This man got through that wall with perseverance and gradually I let down my guard..I stepped in fully.  Although  it was for only a short time..it was amazing.  Maybe I was a fool, duped or even 'played' given the outcome...maybe my initial doubts were actually founded...I will never know.  However, the lesson was about remaining open to love, trusting and I will endeavour to not re build that wall again when the times comes.  So thank you..you know who you are.  :)

2013 was a siginificant year for my spiritual growth..obviously attending a retreat in Tuscany and a visit to Assisi.  My meeting with St Francis and my return to 'the masters feet' as it were.  The master being source or god, not any particular deity or teacher..the absolute.  It was also where I realised myself and truly became one with everything. 

I have written a book about my journey but have been unsure how to complete the ending. Initially, it was to end at that point in Tuscany when I had re dedicated my life to, serving Source..but Source then 'pushed' me into the path of the masculine, showing me to serve unconditionally, to surrender completely and go beyond any body mind attraction, for the sake of, the whole, for humanity, for evolution.    This was a whole new ball game for me..to be with a man I was not drawn to physically..beyond any body mind identity...it has happened twice this year.

I continued to write about this, about how the feminine presence opened and invited, about her sadness and her compassion for the masculine who cannot meet her....but of course, there is no clear cut 'ending', no official finish line, the journey continues. So  I feel that the book will end at Tuscany, I cannot delay or procrastinate it any longer and I aim to get it 'out there' very soon..

So, thank you to all the readers of my blog...I am so honoured and grateful that you share in my journey.

Let's look forward to 2014...whatever life throws at us... Bring it on!

"KNOW GOD, KNOW PEACE, KNOW YOURSELF!"  XXX

Wow....that was one of the most profound retreats I have been on held by Bernie Prior.  I wrote a blog every day whilst I was away..but didnt publish them.  Having just reviewed them, if I published them now, it would be well over twenty pages...so here is a short(ish) sharing.

I was blessed to receive an opening, a 'download' every day.  Each day, it would drop through, integrate through my physical body and I would then hear a voice saying 'more...ready for the next'..  It was the same voice or call that I heard to go to Tuscany in the first place..it came from somewhere deep within, not Lisa's voice. 

For the first few days I found myself readjusting to seemingly returning to something...but being new.  I didn't quite know where I fitted it...but also loved the fact I was almost anonymous, hardly anyone 'knew' me.

There were many profound openings...and I was enthralled at watching the energy of being, of transformation circulate above the people in satsang...watching it drop into a body before the person realised it...watching them  literally transform in front of me.  It was magical... Why did I ever stop coming...this is what inspires me...this is what I must do...I love watching the movement of transformation..I am passionate about how humanity can transform and evolve...

I re dedicated my life to that, of service to this.  Sat with my teacher, master once more..but in a different place..a new place.  I drank in consciousness with a passion and delighted in the depths.  No more distraction of man, health, my personal life...I am here to live a profound meaningful life. 

One of the pinnacle moments came when we visited Assisi and the St Francis hermitage.  I went in innocence,  not really knowing the story of st Francis, apart from the fact it was an important place to Bernie.  Pretty much as soon as I stepped onto the coach, tears began..not knowing why they came...just that something vast was opening.  I received a message on my phone and I was curious...I listened to an unknown caller shout 'Rama, Rama, Rama'....bizarre.  (i just looked up the story of lord Rama.  Rama is revered for his unending compassion, courage and devotion to religious values and duty - so fitting!)

The tears continued to flow as we as a group walked in silence up the path... I noticed the trees shapes, roots exposed and touched them as I passed.  We reached the buildings of the hermitage..ducked through the stone doorways..and people were congregating in each room.  I am not one for religious buildings so I passed by quickly. I did spot that one room had a red peace Lilly in it...the same plant as in my meditation room at home.  (I later found out that this 'room' was in fact the cave where st Francis meditated)

I, however was drawn to the trees that edged the upper path.  I came across a statue of St Francis lying on the ground.  A huge energy went through my body,and I knelt down at his feet...touched them with love and reverence.  I closed my eyes and saw how I had once knelt down and kissed the feet of my teacher, master in satsang, many years previously.  They were one and the same master..how could I ever have left the masters feet?  I cried knowing that from that moment, I had re dedicated my life to serve love, truth and humanity.

I carried on along the path with reverence and felt such grace.  I came across a group of nuns receiving a sermon from a Franciscan  priest...as I approached I heard these words:

"however you serve life, do it with your whole being and in joy"

I received these words and their frequency deeply and I sat down, overlooking them in the clearing..listening..

Every word he said was received into my body...and I couldn't stop the tears.  The nuns noticed me, looked up at me and smiled..no one said anything directly to me. I looked at the nuns...various ages and faces..devoting themselves to god. I also felt like a  nun...in devotion to love and truth and the serving of that.

"See god in all, see god in everything".  "Whatever you do in life, even if it's washing up...do it wholly and completely...with joy".

Everything he said was what Bernie had been speaking about..and what I knew to be true.  I could no longer mess around, I had to serve this...I knew that even though I had thought I had given over my life to that...that now the whole was required..there was so much more to give.  No more personal life..no more playing in the body, mind field of experience.

The sermon was finishing, the nuns were putting away their notepads...I stood up and one of them noticed me.  I touched my heart in gratitude for having been part of their lesson.  She said something to one of the priests..  He looked up at me and said, something to the group.  Everyone was laughing and I laughed too but the tears of gratitude would not stop.  I touched my lips, them my heart to express my gratitude once again.

Two of my friends came up to greet me.. The priest called up to ask if he could take a picture.. The one who had been giving the teaching called up..look..she is already wearing the dress.  (I was wearing a long green dress) ...St Francis practical he announced.  Everyone laughed...I took his words right into my heart..I was to live what I had heard in a practical way..day by day..moment to moment.  I cried and laughed at the same time, put my shawl over my head.. They took a picture.

My friends held me as I walked away, feeling so blessed and humbled.  We rejoined our main group..and I could not really speak..I was in reverence to what I had received.  Bernie sat with us...he knew.. I touched his feet and said..I once prostrated to you in satsang...as I did today with st Francis..how could I ever have left.  He said..you had to leave to come back deeper.    Profound. 

Later as I walked around the town of Assisi.  I happened upon another statue of st Francis...he was standing beside a woman, holding her hand.  It stopped me in my tracks and drew me closer...so a woman, SHE stood by this man, who was she?  As I stood there...a few hands touched my back ..I turned round, and the same group of nuns from earlier were stood around me..chattering to me Italian.  More tears, more touching of my heart to express my gratitude to them...so blessed.  I later found out that the statue was of a woman known as st Clare..who gave up her personal life to work alongside st Francis..and he was the first to bring in a woman to lead a group of nuns...

The power of the transmission of that day went in so deep...I was only just about able to function...  I barely ate and even my favourite food, pizza was barely tasted.  Profundity indeed!

There was a satsang with Bernie that evening and this is what took place..I sat on the floor, sinking deeper and deeper...I no longer had any edges...when I tried to focus on an edge, my skin, another body, table...it blurred and disintegrated and I moved through it..and yet could see from all aspects...when someone spoke, it took me eons to orientate where the voice was originating from.    My physical body was vibrating, I felt cold but burning a fire inside. 

Bernie asked us to hold hands with our neighbour...I couldn't move...a millimetre felt like a thousand miles..when someone touched my hand...I didnt feel it as a separate hand...I was the seeming other.. no boundary existed.  I breathed deep, and heard that voice calling for the next..more...a part of my self laughed...my god, this is never ending.

I was somehow aware that at the end of the satsang, forms were moving out of the room...I called for Bernie from within..he didnt come to me.  So just breathed deep, and sank into this amazing expansiveness. 

I was above my body, I was all..everything, every form...I could move outside of the room, I could listen in on conversations, energetically take part, move so freely and yet my physical body was stuck to the meditation stool.  My body I knew needed water..and I saw water..I called for someone to bring me water...but that was, absurd...as I then became the water itself..    Everything was vibrating...one huge heart beat....and yet in the background a high pitch frequency...  

I heard that voice again.

"..I am that.  All Is in my self.  The one self.  Nothing is solid.  I am that...all move within me, the container and I am that container..    Nothing and yet everything... Never ending."

I tried to move my physical body but it was not easy...it took tremendous energy to lift a finger.  Eventually I was able to sit up, in the darkness I scribbled on my notepad the words I had heard/spoken.  There were no words and yet with conscious reflection, I have been able to write more than than there is space here..truly vast.

Sometime in the night my roommate discovered I was not in bed..and came for me.  I felt like a child..having to relearn everything about the physical body.  She helped me back to the room..I am so grateful to my sister for caring for me that night.

I was completely changed....nothing was the same to me.  Every cell had been changed.. My sisters ensured I was ok, that I ate a little and I gently integrated back to feeling something of my physical body.  That voice though continued to ask for more...I was astonished at the vastness of it...in my heart share group all I could say was...you have no idea...this is vast...it really is never ending.  Laughing at the cosmic joke..it changed my understanding of everything..absolutely everything.

My life is now given.. I will only serve that.  Humanity needs to wake up, I have to take responsibility and serve life...inspired to facilitate transformation.

I have been asked to share through words, speaking from my heart in a real way... it is something that the ego self has resisted and I am now committed to speaking from the higher woman, SHE.  Lisa has cried with the enormity and laughed at the simplicity of it...

I envisioned completing the book I have started...of this woman's journey through near death, meeting her teacher, master, lover, living of that. Of the realisations through the practice of The Form...so right now that is my focus.  

So many realisations and growth following that night that I have no space on this blog for...realisation of how the ego self still tries its play..how seemingly others move and yet they are me, within me..such a matrix, a knowing from the depth of the higher woman and how SHE must share that regardless of how Lisa might resist.

Such grace..Truly blessed.  But none of this is mine...it's whole purpose is to evolve humanity..for all. 

This blog is changing..will change.. I am changed.  When I look back at some of my previous writings, I see a much deeper understanding...when I hear Bernie speak, I am hearing from a vaster knowing.  I can  hardly keep up with what is unfolding...

Namaste

Lissy.x

ps.. a couple of pics for you..

Follow this link to find out more about Bernie Prior retreats.