Year End...Grateful thanks....

Been an age since I last wrote!  Unfortunately the health issues have continued and I did end up with some blood clots in my leg to deal with along with an on going cold.    Luckily the clots were in the superficial veins but they were still very painful...it was very empowering though to be able to do my own heparin injections in my tummy! 

It's a weird time of year for me...it seems there are always beginning and endings around Christmas time.  Throughout my life I have noticed that that period between Xmas and New year, separations or drama of some sort happen..and in each late February, early spring, a new beginning or change of some sort comes into my life.  It's actually quite magical if it wasn't so bloody painful at times.  I always hope that that year is the last year that the pattern repeats.    My first ever relationship..with my birth mother ended soon after birth with a separation.  Between Xmas and new year she was preparing to give birth to the daughter she already knew she was giving up for adoption eight weeks later. 

A new Being entered my life briefly early Winter then disappeared over Christmas.  That fleeting romance showed me so much.  It showed me how I had built a wall of resistance and distrust of man..I had built in a radar to hunt out 'controlling' behaviours and it was astonishing (and actually sickening) to watch me on the look out for the slightest hint of such behaviour.  I knew it wasn't my true self though as I could witness it as from my ego self...based on past projection...I was honest and vulnerable in my sharing of this...bless him, his true masculinity in holding that space.

This man got through that wall with perseverance and gradually I let down my guard..I stepped in fully.  Although  it was for only a short time..it was amazing.  Maybe I was a fool, duped or even 'played' given the outcome...maybe my initial doubts were actually founded...I will never know.  However, the lesson was about remaining open to love, trusting and I will endeavour to not re build that wall again when the times comes.  So thank you..you know who you are.  :)

2013 was a siginificant year for my spiritual growth..obviously attending a retreat in Tuscany and a visit to Assisi.  My meeting with St Francis and my return to 'the masters feet' as it were.  The master being source or god, not any particular deity or teacher..the absolute.  It was also where I realised myself and truly became one with everything. 

I have written a book about my journey but have been unsure how to complete the ending. Initially, it was to end at that point in Tuscany when I had re dedicated my life to, serving Source..but Source then 'pushed' me into the path of the masculine, showing me to serve unconditionally, to surrender completely and go beyond any body mind attraction, for the sake of, the whole, for humanity, for evolution.    This was a whole new ball game for me..to be with a man I was not drawn to physically..beyond any body mind identity...it has happened twice this year.

I continued to write about this, about how the feminine presence opened and invited, about her sadness and her compassion for the masculine who cannot meet her....but of course, there is no clear cut 'ending', no official finish line, the journey continues. So  I feel that the book will end at Tuscany, I cannot delay or procrastinate it any longer and I aim to get it 'out there' very soon..

So, thank you to all the readers of my blog...I am so honoured and grateful that you share in my journey.

Let's look forward to 2014...whatever life throws at us... Bring it on!

"KNOW GOD, KNOW PEACE, KNOW YOURSELF!"  XXX

Phew! A surreal two weeks....

Havent written for nearly two weeks - feels like I've been in a time-warp as it only seems like a couple of days have passed!  But its been almost two weeks where I have done little 'paid' work,not slept much, havent done anything for xmas - not even bought a card! 

After connecting with a beautiful soul at the last retreat I did a couple of weeks ago, we have spent many days practising rituals, pujas, cobra breath exercises - very intense at times, with wonderful food, laughter and yes, a few tears mixed in as well!    I cant talk about it all too much but I have learned so much and experienced such beautiful energies..it is a journey I wish to go deeper into.    But now, back to 'normal' life at least for a few days until Christmas!

Christmas I feel is cancelled this year - I am snowed in now with enough food (hopefully) to keep me going for a week.  If I am honest, my thoughts have not been present entirely..I have been allowing my mind to wander into the past, past loves, past Christmas time and its shaken me the depth of sadness I still feel.  Pretty annoying too..but I wont beat myself up too much.  Life is the way it is...  I have food, (even some wine!) and enough paperwork, tax return and filing to keep me occupied for days!  That coupled with sledging albeit on my own will keep me busy and hopefully away from such meloncholy thoughts!  AHHH!  I also have you my dear blog!


Now for a cuppa!