Soooo long! Stone circles, revisiting the past...again!!

Oh...its been a long long while..  So much has happened, changed, ..so quickly, I haven't been able to keep up with things to write them on here.  Its been hard enough to keep on top of it all day to day...maybe you all have been experiencing stuff so much, you are spinning!

It seems to have been a time for me to revisit much of my past, in terms of health and relationships.  I have had a few gatherings at my place which have been in themselves, mini retreats and I have also visited inside Stonehenge again and beloved Avebury too.

Some pics from Stonehenge at Starlight are attached - a stunning night, lying in amongst the stones in our small group and watching one of my sisters in her delight of experiencing it all for the first time.

My father has been unwell for a couple of months..its been hard to watch his deterioration and vulnerability but humbling to be able to help him, support him and mum.  That has brought up stuff about losing them physically and also how it will be on my own without them being around as there is no other family.  He's a little better right now, so hopefully over the worse.

A visit to Avebury to be with some friends in amongst the stones for a birthday turned out to be a serendipitous (fave word!)  day.   Randomly meeting an ex as I was leaving and then spontaneously sharing a few lovely hours talking and enquiring about life.  It was amazing to hear him speak of his realisations and how he yearns to fulfill his life's purpose or destiny.  Beautiful to watch him go with a renewed connection to that that had opened in him and his determination to follow his heart and take that leap!  On with his journey whatever he decides. 

I've had a couple of episodes of hemorrhaging badly..have got into what could have been the most embarrassing situations.  But to me, it was life...there was nothing I could do but surrender.    No surprise that I have since become anemic again...so find myself building myself up with iron tablets again and looking for ways to stem my bleeding, given I am also on blood thinners!  

It felt like I was literally being drained of my life force, of life..a real clearing out of the past in my womb.  Maybe connected to my visit to the sacred circles?   This is a repeat of what happened a year or two after I first awakened.  This time it is also bringing up stuff around my miscarriages, my femininity, my fertility and purpose as a woman on a human, physical level.

Having been resting up and hibernating a little, I have been able to finalise my book.  Reading through and writing the final chapter, allowing me to delve so much deeper, uncovering things that I thought had been cleared.

It has now been sent off to the Publishers and things have since gone a bit quiet!

I have been going through a bit of stuff about whether I actually want my story out there.  I got a lot of flack for starting a blog and writing as I do, what will my book do?  People that haven't gone through a similar journey can be quite judgmental and what I write can push peoples buttons, push their conditioning and boundaries.   Am I ready for that challenge?    Hey, that is my life you might say, I have that in any case...but this feels more 'out there'.    I have been having my doubts that I can actually do this.  Once it is on the net as an ebook, its there forever.  It feels like whatever I may want to do in the future, it might come back to bite me?  But then I reason, well I don't hide my past in any case from anyone?  I am who I am!   hmmmmm....

In any case, the publisher guy has gone quiet!!  Yes, my story is revealing, revealing about me and my life..but it also (hopefully) allows the reader to see something else, a deeper meaning, to feel some truth in how they live their own life or how they could live their life fully, in truth.  We will see how it all transpires.  I had hoped to have it all done by the time I visit Ireland in a couple of weeks but we will see.

I am going on a short retreat, staying with an Irish sister, hopefully visiting some stone circles and today I heard Amma is going to be over there at the same time as well.  Maybe a visit to see her as I haven't seen her for many years.    I cant wait to feel the land, breathe the Irish air and spend some time away from here.

Namaste.

X

Neglected Blogging... Hello!

Hello!  Well I lay down with my laptop about to final edit my book...but was drawn to write a blog post instead.  I have neglected my blog for a few months..there has been so much transforming and happening that I couldn't keep up with what was occurring to write about it. 

Now though, I am house bounded again, this time with a broken foot..yes the health and bodily stuff continues for me!  I was just about recovering from a DVt, beginning to get fit again and I tripped over some broken concrete...been hobbling around for two weeks before I got x rayed and discovery of broken bone!  I laughed!  Seriously!?!

For those that follow my Facebook page, you will know that I have had random visits from pigeons wrecking my lounge, a lightening strike in my cottage that knocked out my router, a continuous bleed from my womb which resembled a horror movie massacre at times..also beautiful gatherings of friends for well dressings, birthdays and profound sharing retreats at my place.  Another piece of past, part of history being let go of...the off grid chalet where I had many wonderful memories as well as grief for our lost babies..may the energy of the chalet garden continue to touch and give peace to those who visit.  (Picture of Chalet Garden with gift of flowers layed when I left for the last time)

This has been a time of acceptance that I have no control over anything.. that I have to be who I AM.. and not be concerned with what others think about me.  This has been challenging when it comes to potential intimate relationships, friendships, family and people that enter 'my' life. I hardly sleep yet I am fully awake!  It truly is time to put my head up, stand tall (albeit with crutches!) and follow up my knowing. 

Everytime I have tried to edit the book or write something, the power has gone, my laptop has died and instead I have been laying in my garden looking at the birds and the clouds.  I have been reading an amazing book called "how to be sick".. Written by someone with auto immune disease.. She shares much of the same philosophies as I do..truly inspiring and worth a read.

I also discovered an American tv series called 'under the dome' , based on a Stephen king novel (please no one tell me what happens!). It's got me hooked as it intrigues me with the sci fi aspects and effects and towards the end of series one, there is the birth of a single Monarchy Butterfly.. It flutters around the key characters in the story.  So beautiful and a powerful.  It's a message of transformation for those living under the dome.

Reminded me of the butterflies I greeted in Tuscany last year, sleeping in Room 11, The Butterfly room, of the butterfly that flew around my legs as I was speaking in a heart share group and then flew from under my skirt....  This summer, I have planted a pot of nasternums next to my Buddha..especially for the butterflies to lay their eggs...giving the caterpillars nourishment when they hatch.    This afternoon I noticed that the front of the book 'how to be sick' also has a butterfly on it.   

It is time to care for my cocoon once more...refresh, renew, nourish and transform... 

I will be returning to Tuscany in a couple of weeks. 

Namaste

X

Sent from my iPad

Past coming round..completions.. Rural retreats!

First Full Moon of the year!  and my, cant we feel it!  First blog of the year...  much has transitioned since my last entry. Visitors and friends have now all left after festivities and birthday, clots dissolved and lurghies disappeared!   The New is coming in and there is an optimism surrounding everything...acceptance of what cannot be changed and continued loving of all that is...

Its been a weird old week for me and today I have been hibernating, meditating, writing and reflecting..

Last week I helped out a friend in a demonstration of 'biodanza' for a local Womens' Institute Group..lovely to see how he could command a room of 60 women, aged from their fifties upwards in moving and feeling in ways they had never done before.    Many were nervous of looking into each others' eyes, moving with freedom, moving to the different music being played...ALL were beautiful!  A few were touched by it as I was and there were tears of recognition of sisterhood and love. 

Last weekend, I bumped into my ex hubby..we haven't seen each other for some fifteen years. For what seems like minutes, there was  nothing to say..we just looked into each others eyes.  When words were spoken it was loving and with a recognition of the journey we have both taken since our separation.  A bit surreal to see how his body has changed, hair turned grey and yet his eyes were still as smiley and sparkly as ever they were!  After a while, we hugged and said goodbye, he spoke of how great I looked..warmed me with his tenderness.

Then as I was waiting to meet someone in town a few days later, I watched a familiar face walk past me in the street...it was an old friend from when I was married....again, I hadn't seen him for over fifteen years either.  Disbelief that it had really been that long since we had all got together as a group of friends, a catch up and again a tender goodbye and wish to be remembered to the others.

Surreal and yet it felt like there was some completion of yet another circle from my past.  Out of all the sadness, grief and bitterness surrounding our separation..years later an acknowledgement of love that was always underneath it all.  We had been a big part of each of our 'growing up' in life...

A week of action in amongst reflection.  My book is nearing the top of my pile to complete and send off (I know said it before!)...and I have now set a date for me to hold the space for a rural retreat.  Details of which follow if any of you are interested...lets see how it manifests!

Namaste

Lissy
X

Come and Join me in a beautiful location in The Teme Valley to learn or deepen in the movement 

of  The Form - Reality Practice™. 

The Form is a profound instrument of awakening.  

Uniquely, it can be practiced alone or shared with another.

Saturday 1st March - Sunday 2nd March - Parts 1 & 2

Monday 3rd March - Tuesday 4th March - Parts 3 & 4

(Parts 1/2 and 3/4 can be taken separately for those only able to attend at the weekend)

Why not immerse yourself in the experience and attend on a residential basis.   Four star accommodation with access to a sauna, hot tub and therapy room available.

"Begin to see how Source as the "Real You" moves, how the Mystery unfolds and bring this alive 

in every moment!"

For further details, please message me via Facebook or email me at : lisa.matthews@realitypractice.net

Overdue Blog...dark night of soul despair to joy. :)

It has been a long while since I last wrote.  Much has transpired and I needed to surrender to it all and I didn't want to write publicly.  I did still write for myself as that is what I do..and I have brought into this piece the 'ramblings' of the last month or so..

I have had to face numerous health issues...it seems that life wanted me to re-explore health concerns from the past and I have gone through many tests, numerous visits to consultants from different disciplines..blood clots, eye problems, cervical cancer, trachea narrowing, knee injury.  As one letter of appointment or concern after another dropped through my door, I sank deeper and deeper.. 

During this period, I also travelled through a journey of  'spiritual' crises and experienced dark night of the soul stuff.  This was to be celebrated...accepted...  I had been brought to my knees once more..I am blessed.

I felt so alone and yet knew I was not separate.  I felt outside, in excile, in madness, caught between the old and the new possibilities.  Projects were not coming through, my life felt stuck and I felt inadequate.  I couldnt go back..I would not quit.  Along with those feelings of depression, I remembered the unending divine connection..I am that...

Physically as well, my body was screaming..Every muscle, bone and cell seemed to ache so deep that there was no way to get relief and I was so tired all the time.  I was and still am spinning out as if I have vertigo.  I had to travel many miles to appointments and have unpleasant tests undertaken.  Milo had his dog walkers, my mum helped with shopping, I felt like I would never surface..It took tremendous energy not to get into 'poor me' stuff. 

My teacher, satsang, books, positive thoughts, friends, possessions, money, music, meditations, even distractions could not not relieve it.    Suicide ..not even that...absurd..pills from the doctor for depression...no way, I am beyond this body mind and I didn't want to be robbed of the experience, be numbed in any way.

I trusted in what was happening, knowing it was necessary..I had to surrender to it and just 'be'.  After the blissful presence I had entered at Tuscany, I knew that I didn't need to 'feel" that bliss in order to be it.  I had to stay with the knowledge of it..it took tremendous energy and devotion.   My beloved teacher told me it was the integrative process and It was something not to be rushed...I knew there would be light again.

The majority of the health concerns turned out okay...I had a knowing they would be fine.  But its a real test when you are getting told my various 'professional's that they see something amiss, even though you dont believe it. 

I had experienced these feelings of despair and loneliness before when I returned from my first ever residential retreat and had my first realisations but that was many many years ago. That time I was married and surrounded by family..but still felt so alone.  There was much concern from loved ones who didn't know what to do and I didn't know at the time what was happening to me.

It's a time when you don't belong in the old way of life, yet you don't fit in any other reality either, the new life.  We are told that this is a path of joy and yet my life felt empty..and yet again there is also a knowledge that you cannot go back...that would be like going to prison.

There has to be acceptance first, trust and the knowledge that there is no separation, that I am that absolutely..regardless of how it looks or feels.

Slowly the darkness has dispersed..catching glimpses of light and hope.  Negative thoughts that had previously washed over me as soon as I opened my eyes could no longer take hold..once more I could breathe!  Friends have come and supported me in so many ways.. helped around the house, with Milo, feeding me or just staying with me.. virtual friends from lands afar have listened to my rants and in turn threw light in some very dark places as we share similar health challenges.   I thank all my angels!  X  I have re organised my house, got it in order, chucked out so much 'stuff' on so many levels, getting myself out to communicate with new people.....ready for the new...here it comes!  :)

:)

Bringing you all up to date..I have experienced much laughter these last few days...it's been amazing, powerful, beautiful, emotional and I admit even a little scary to catch myself smiling randomly.  Much energy has and is being transformed and I am blessed and grateful to all around me, old friends and to new beings arriving in my life!  :)


Sunny, crisp, frosty Autumnal day today..magical....ahhh...deep breath!   Here goes....to how life unfolds!  :)

Namaste

Lissy.x

Never ending deepening, fully living regardless of the body!

I have just returned from another retreat with Bernie...yet again I am amazed at the depths I am touching..it truly is endless.  Even as I re listened to the audio yesterday, there was an even deeper knowing, from another point, another level of being...it's like I am a giant kaleidoscope - I am!  This is so hard to put into words! 

I cried with the enormity of this multi dimensional reality, the vastness and the responsibility of knowing that....and then I can hear a call for 'more..ready for the next'..which makes me laugh at the same time as the crying!

Seeing  the potential for the evolution of humanity..It is a choice less choice now...I give over everything!  Thy will be done!

In amongst all this, this body mind is doing it's thing...hospital next week as there is some concern about my trachea again...I will go, take the tests, listen to the consultants views.  And yet I feel wonder filled!  I have not 'felt' this well for a long time regardless of what may appear on scans of this body!   

I get on with life..and allow it to move me...

Amongst the many many things I heard at the weekend with Bernie, one discussion that humbled me which seems fitting for this blog entry is transcribed below:

"He is shattered..I am shattered...what a wonderful state...there is pain in my body..I am wonderfully shattered.  I get on a plane and the shattering says "I can't do this" ... I say "p off shattering, I am going".  I will attend to it when I have time to.

Get in your new body...do you really think you need to look after your body..?  Yes I do when I do...but the real looking after your body is being true.  Whilst you are being true, the very genetics of humanity are being changed by a higher power. 

Any realiser has something happening in their body.  There have been some great realisers that have died of all manner of cancers and things.  Things move in the body when you begin to become who you really are...there is transformation on every level.  So look after your body but live fully!"


A life threatening blood clot woke this one up..suddenly!  Such transformation took place at that time, it changed my life utterly and completely. It led me to search for more and I then met Bernie.  At my first retreat with Bernie, I entered the cosmos, the deathband and realised immortality.  Shortly after that, a few months of living with him, I was diagnosed with severe anaemia..the doctors were puzzled because they couldn't find a cause for it, nor could they understand how I was even walking as the blood count was so low.  Bernie told me they would never find the cause - as my DNA had changed.  This I now know.. On so many levels.

Illness and unusual diagnoses have been a major part of my journey...they have led me to so many paths, situations and people that I wouldn't have encountered otherwise.  Such transformation is a gift.  I am grateful  for all of it! 

So!  If Bernie can get on an airplane exhausted with his body calling for rest..then I can also...it is what I am being called to do!    

Namaste
X

ps.  Bernie is now in South Africa with a team of teachers of The Form that have been sharing CosmoForm around the townships.  I have been so in awe by how they are touching many in this way...truly humbling.  Please check out what are they doing here:

http://www.cosmoforminitiative.org/

Wow....that was one of the most profound retreats I have been on held by Bernie Prior.  I wrote a blog every day whilst I was away..but didnt publish them.  Having just reviewed them, if I published them now, it would be well over twenty pages...so here is a short(ish) sharing.

I was blessed to receive an opening, a 'download' every day.  Each day, it would drop through, integrate through my physical body and I would then hear a voice saying 'more...ready for the next'..  It was the same voice or call that I heard to go to Tuscany in the first place..it came from somewhere deep within, not Lisa's voice. 

For the first few days I found myself readjusting to seemingly returning to something...but being new.  I didn't quite know where I fitted it...but also loved the fact I was almost anonymous, hardly anyone 'knew' me.

There were many profound openings...and I was enthralled at watching the energy of being, of transformation circulate above the people in satsang...watching it drop into a body before the person realised it...watching them  literally transform in front of me.  It was magical... Why did I ever stop coming...this is what inspires me...this is what I must do...I love watching the movement of transformation..I am passionate about how humanity can transform and evolve...

I re dedicated my life to that, of service to this.  Sat with my teacher, master once more..but in a different place..a new place.  I drank in consciousness with a passion and delighted in the depths.  No more distraction of man, health, my personal life...I am here to live a profound meaningful life. 

One of the pinnacle moments came when we visited Assisi and the St Francis hermitage.  I went in innocence,  not really knowing the story of st Francis, apart from the fact it was an important place to Bernie.  Pretty much as soon as I stepped onto the coach, tears began..not knowing why they came...just that something vast was opening.  I received a message on my phone and I was curious...I listened to an unknown caller shout 'Rama, Rama, Rama'....bizarre.  (i just looked up the story of lord Rama.  Rama is revered for his unending compassion, courage and devotion to religious values and duty - so fitting!)

The tears continued to flow as we as a group walked in silence up the path... I noticed the trees shapes, roots exposed and touched them as I passed.  We reached the buildings of the hermitage..ducked through the stone doorways..and people were congregating in each room.  I am not one for religious buildings so I passed by quickly. I did spot that one room had a red peace Lilly in it...the same plant as in my meditation room at home.  (I later found out that this 'room' was in fact the cave where st Francis meditated)

I, however was drawn to the trees that edged the upper path.  I came across a statue of St Francis lying on the ground.  A huge energy went through my body,and I knelt down at his feet...touched them with love and reverence.  I closed my eyes and saw how I had once knelt down and kissed the feet of my teacher, master in satsang, many years previously.  They were one and the same master..how could I ever have left the masters feet?  I cried knowing that from that moment, I had re dedicated my life to serve love, truth and humanity.

I carried on along the path with reverence and felt such grace.  I came across a group of nuns receiving a sermon from a Franciscan  priest...as I approached I heard these words:

"however you serve life, do it with your whole being and in joy"

I received these words and their frequency deeply and I sat down, overlooking them in the clearing..listening..

Every word he said was received into my body...and I couldn't stop the tears.  The nuns noticed me, looked up at me and smiled..no one said anything directly to me. I looked at the nuns...various ages and faces..devoting themselves to god. I also felt like a  nun...in devotion to love and truth and the serving of that.

"See god in all, see god in everything".  "Whatever you do in life, even if it's washing up...do it wholly and completely...with joy".

Everything he said was what Bernie had been speaking about..and what I knew to be true.  I could no longer mess around, I had to serve this...I knew that even though I had thought I had given over my life to that...that now the whole was required..there was so much more to give.  No more personal life..no more playing in the body, mind field of experience.

The sermon was finishing, the nuns were putting away their notepads...I stood up and one of them noticed me.  I touched my heart in gratitude for having been part of their lesson.  She said something to one of the priests..  He looked up at me and said, something to the group.  Everyone was laughing and I laughed too but the tears of gratitude would not stop.  I touched my lips, them my heart to express my gratitude once again.

Two of my friends came up to greet me.. The priest called up to ask if he could take a picture.. The one who had been giving the teaching called up..look..she is already wearing the dress.  (I was wearing a long green dress) ...St Francis practical he announced.  Everyone laughed...I took his words right into my heart..I was to live what I had heard in a practical way..day by day..moment to moment.  I cried and laughed at the same time, put my shawl over my head.. They took a picture.

My friends held me as I walked away, feeling so blessed and humbled.  We rejoined our main group..and I could not really speak..I was in reverence to what I had received.  Bernie sat with us...he knew.. I touched his feet and said..I once prostrated to you in satsang...as I did today with st Francis..how could I ever have left.  He said..you had to leave to come back deeper.    Profound. 

Later as I walked around the town of Assisi.  I happened upon another statue of st Francis...he was standing beside a woman, holding her hand.  It stopped me in my tracks and drew me closer...so a woman, SHE stood by this man, who was she?  As I stood there...a few hands touched my back ..I turned round, and the same group of nuns from earlier were stood around me..chattering to me Italian.  More tears, more touching of my heart to express my gratitude to them...so blessed.  I later found out that the statue was of a woman known as st Clare..who gave up her personal life to work alongside st Francis..and he was the first to bring in a woman to lead a group of nuns...

The power of the transmission of that day went in so deep...I was only just about able to function...  I barely ate and even my favourite food, pizza was barely tasted.  Profundity indeed!

There was a satsang with Bernie that evening and this is what took place..I sat on the floor, sinking deeper and deeper...I no longer had any edges...when I tried to focus on an edge, my skin, another body, table...it blurred and disintegrated and I moved through it..and yet could see from all aspects...when someone spoke, it took me eons to orientate where the voice was originating from.    My physical body was vibrating, I felt cold but burning a fire inside. 

Bernie asked us to hold hands with our neighbour...I couldn't move...a millimetre felt like a thousand miles..when someone touched my hand...I didnt feel it as a separate hand...I was the seeming other.. no boundary existed.  I breathed deep, and heard that voice calling for the next..more...a part of my self laughed...my god, this is never ending.

I was somehow aware that at the end of the satsang, forms were moving out of the room...I called for Bernie from within..he didnt come to me.  So just breathed deep, and sank into this amazing expansiveness. 

I was above my body, I was all..everything, every form...I could move outside of the room, I could listen in on conversations, energetically take part, move so freely and yet my physical body was stuck to the meditation stool.  My body I knew needed water..and I saw water..I called for someone to bring me water...but that was, absurd...as I then became the water itself..    Everything was vibrating...one huge heart beat....and yet in the background a high pitch frequency...  

I heard that voice again.

"..I am that.  All Is in my self.  The one self.  Nothing is solid.  I am that...all move within me, the container and I am that container..    Nothing and yet everything... Never ending."

I tried to move my physical body but it was not easy...it took tremendous energy to lift a finger.  Eventually I was able to sit up, in the darkness I scribbled on my notepad the words I had heard/spoken.  There were no words and yet with conscious reflection, I have been able to write more than than there is space here..truly vast.

Sometime in the night my roommate discovered I was not in bed..and came for me.  I felt like a child..having to relearn everything about the physical body.  She helped me back to the room..I am so grateful to my sister for caring for me that night.

I was completely changed....nothing was the same to me.  Every cell had been changed.. My sisters ensured I was ok, that I ate a little and I gently integrated back to feeling something of my physical body.  That voice though continued to ask for more...I was astonished at the vastness of it...in my heart share group all I could say was...you have no idea...this is vast...it really is never ending.  Laughing at the cosmic joke..it changed my understanding of everything..absolutely everything.

My life is now given.. I will only serve that.  Humanity needs to wake up, I have to take responsibility and serve life...inspired to facilitate transformation.

I have been asked to share through words, speaking from my heart in a real way... it is something that the ego self has resisted and I am now committed to speaking from the higher woman, SHE.  Lisa has cried with the enormity and laughed at the simplicity of it...

I envisioned completing the book I have started...of this woman's journey through near death, meeting her teacher, master, lover, living of that. Of the realisations through the practice of The Form...so right now that is my focus.  

So many realisations and growth following that night that I have no space on this blog for...realisation of how the ego self still tries its play..how seemingly others move and yet they are me, within me..such a matrix, a knowing from the depth of the higher woman and how SHE must share that regardless of how Lisa might resist.

Such grace..Truly blessed.  But none of this is mine...it's whole purpose is to evolve humanity..for all. 

This blog is changing..will change.. I am changed.  When I look back at some of my previous writings, I see a much deeper understanding...when I hear Bernie speak, I am hearing from a vaster knowing.  I can  hardly keep up with what is unfolding...

Namaste

Lissy.x

ps.. a couple of pics for you..

Follow this link to find out more about Bernie Prior retreats.

Retreating......more diagnosis!

Just come back from a five day retreat in Devon...wonderful space re-connecting with The Form, soaking up the energy and yummy food!  My body behaved itself in the main, the weather was good and everyone was so friendly and welcoming.

Milo had a good time with his dog sitters - even managed to find a new doggy girl-friend called Molly.  Apparently they were so sweet together!

With all my bags in the lounge ready to unpack and put away, I listen to my messages  and my GP had been trying to get hold of me regarding a letter.   I open the post and there is a new letter from my London consultant - not great news!  along with the diagnosis of RP, it seems I tested positive for Lupus and Coombs, have very high blood pressure and he suspects I may also have antiphospholipid syndrome and scleritis in my eyes.  Ugh!

Luckily, I wasnt able to get straight onto the internet but I was in a tizz for a few hours..  I felt so fed up, tired from travelling and couldnt face putting all the stuff in my lounge away or eat.  I didnt know what to do really - I really wanted to cry - but couldnt or wouldnt as I didnt want my throat to get irritated and my eyes get sore.   Deep breathing, a few Form movements - didnt want to upset my parents who are the closest in distance to me - just wanted to hear what my GP had to say.    He eventually 'phoned me back to discuss various appointments for tests and to tell me not to research any of these new things!  He knows me well!

Too late though - wont do too much more until I see the specialist again but from I have read, these things could explain some of the mysterious illnesses. symptoms and miscarriages I have had over the years.  That is a positive thing - I no longer feel I am going mad.  At least now with 'labels', I feel I am believed more and I can now 'let go'...  that feeling of taking a deep breath and dropping the tension in relief.

Back to the retreat - whilst before I was still feeling I had let myself down in someway, failed in having to have conventional treatment to feel better, over the space of the last few days and really listening to what a couple of people had to say, I am not beating myself up so much.

These things happen to us as human beings as part of the experience... for whatever reason - maybe some higher purpose.  Accepting conventional therapy maybe part of that experience too - and maybe I need to see that ALL things are part of God/the creator/I/the one....  including pharmaceutical drugs - all part of the same.    I know of spiritual teachers, enlightened teachers that have also had illness, taken drugs to help them...it is not a failure, just part of the experience.

So.... Namaste to life!

The Nature of Desire?

Just returned from a weekend tantra retreat..beautiful weekend of learning new practices, mantras etc

One of the rituals involves playing the role of King/Queen and the consort(s) have to serve their wants, needs, desires if they can....have done this a few times before and requests can range from being brought food, drink to massages etc.. anyway, at the end, the King/queen meditates on 'the Nature of desire'...

It was my turn to be Queen, truly welomed as I had a heavy bleed, been taking strong painkillers and could hardly move! it was lovely to be nurtured and cared for with such devotion. Although I have done this ritual a number of times before, this was the first time, I got the answer to the question...'what is the nature of desire?'

What came was that firstly, you have to ask! If I didnt tell my consorts what I wanted, then they wouldnt have known what to provide... the same goes for the universe...if we dont ask, then how can the universe provide?

then I realised that first you have to know what to ask for! That one made me laugh!..... how many times have we asked for something, wished for something..and something comes along.. that is 'almost' perfect but not quite! So, need to be as accurate and detailed as possible in the description of what it is we desire..

So... blissfully tired needing some rest.... tomorrow off to a spa for a couple of days with a friend.. more relaxation....... lovely jubbly!

mmmmmmm!

amazing connections...realisations...flashes of inspiration...transmissions....

Yes, I have discovered there is internet access here.... however, endevouring not to get hooked in to this virtual world!

Seeing so many coincidences today...parallels... 

-talking of communing with whales/dolphins - my journey started with being given a tape of whale/dolphin sounds when I was lieing in hospital, strapped to my bed some 11 years ago...never played such 'music' since!  through to my ex visiting whales/dophins in the Azores.. to Nifer, a girlfriend doing exactly the same thing at this time!   What a gift these beings of the sea are......

-visits to crop circles, meanings etc..possibly acupuncture on mother earth... our (with ex) visit to the crop circle by silbury hill last year - I was very ill in the circle...  it was of a mayan headdress...my resonance with the mayan cultures, their prophecies,   to today discussions of that exact same circle, others..their possible communications etc etc

- visits to stone circles, sacred sites.. we have visited so many this last year...  together... and alone..  again,  all being brought up today in discussions...  allowing others to go on their journey..cannot guide etc etc

feeling my pain in seeing anothers faltering steps on their journey..and just being there to hold the energy from afar...or rather not even hold the energy.. just BE myself.. in my own power.. and let and trust life unfold!

sweet pain..sweet surrender...  I am being nutured here, with love, with touch, with beautiful food, countryside, fresh air and yes.. a hot tub!  Bliss!

Great to see more sisters reading, sharing my journey... please share yours too..

Gentleness.

Another brief entry..just been reading a beautiful sisters blog : The Journey of A Singing Woman who has just led a womens retreat in Holland.

She talks of a mother who had miscarried a child..she had closed her body, heart, voice and through the retreat opened up once more...   This touched me deeply, soft tears for the three babies I  have also lost...gentle greiving and a heart to heart recognition of another's grief..  Thank you my sisters..


A Journey of The Singing Woman