Soooo long! Stone circles, revisiting the past...again!!

Oh...its been a long long while..  So much has happened, changed, ..so quickly, I haven't been able to keep up with things to write them on here.  Its been hard enough to keep on top of it all day to day...maybe you all have been experiencing stuff so much, you are spinning!

It seems to have been a time for me to revisit much of my past, in terms of health and relationships.  I have had a few gatherings at my place which have been in themselves, mini retreats and I have also visited inside Stonehenge again and beloved Avebury too.

Some pics from Stonehenge at Starlight are attached - a stunning night, lying in amongst the stones in our small group and watching one of my sisters in her delight of experiencing it all for the first time.

My father has been unwell for a couple of months..its been hard to watch his deterioration and vulnerability but humbling to be able to help him, support him and mum.  That has brought up stuff about losing them physically and also how it will be on my own without them being around as there is no other family.  He's a little better right now, so hopefully over the worse.

A visit to Avebury to be with some friends in amongst the stones for a birthday turned out to be a serendipitous (fave word!)  day.   Randomly meeting an ex as I was leaving and then spontaneously sharing a few lovely hours talking and enquiring about life.  It was amazing to hear him speak of his realisations and how he yearns to fulfill his life's purpose or destiny.  Beautiful to watch him go with a renewed connection to that that had opened in him and his determination to follow his heart and take that leap!  On with his journey whatever he decides. 

I've had a couple of episodes of hemorrhaging badly..have got into what could have been the most embarrassing situations.  But to me, it was life...there was nothing I could do but surrender.    No surprise that I have since become anemic again...so find myself building myself up with iron tablets again and looking for ways to stem my bleeding, given I am also on blood thinners!  

It felt like I was literally being drained of my life force, of life..a real clearing out of the past in my womb.  Maybe connected to my visit to the sacred circles?   This is a repeat of what happened a year or two after I first awakened.  This time it is also bringing up stuff around my miscarriages, my femininity, my fertility and purpose as a woman on a human, physical level.

Having been resting up and hibernating a little, I have been able to finalise my book.  Reading through and writing the final chapter, allowing me to delve so much deeper, uncovering things that I thought had been cleared.

It has now been sent off to the Publishers and things have since gone a bit quiet!

I have been going through a bit of stuff about whether I actually want my story out there.  I got a lot of flack for starting a blog and writing as I do, what will my book do?  People that haven't gone through a similar journey can be quite judgmental and what I write can push peoples buttons, push their conditioning and boundaries.   Am I ready for that challenge?    Hey, that is my life you might say, I have that in any case...but this feels more 'out there'.    I have been having my doubts that I can actually do this.  Once it is on the net as an ebook, its there forever.  It feels like whatever I may want to do in the future, it might come back to bite me?  But then I reason, well I don't hide my past in any case from anyone?  I am who I am!   hmmmmm....

In any case, the publisher guy has gone quiet!!  Yes, my story is revealing, revealing about me and my life..but it also (hopefully) allows the reader to see something else, a deeper meaning, to feel some truth in how they live their own life or how they could live their life fully, in truth.  We will see how it all transpires.  I had hoped to have it all done by the time I visit Ireland in a couple of weeks but we will see.

I am going on a short retreat, staying with an Irish sister, hopefully visiting some stone circles and today I heard Amma is going to be over there at the same time as well.  Maybe a visit to see her as I haven't seen her for many years.    I cant wait to feel the land, breathe the Irish air and spend some time away from here.

Namaste.

X

Surrendering and release...power for renewed growth.

1st November, Samhain yesterday...auspicious turning of the wheel of the year.   Letting go of that which has outlived its fruitfulness so that its decay can release back into the earth, nutrients that will power next Spring's renewed growth.

Thats where I feel I am..  saying goodbye to the ex who had been looking after Milo for the weekend...love still strong and energy connected..but  now is not the time..his journey of discovery taking a different road.  As I said goodbye, I re-cut the chords that had been connected during his visit, could feel the oxycotin hormone going through my body, so visualised it travelling down my spine, through my Yoni into the earth... 

I then sat in my own couldron for a while (Hot tub!)... meditating in the darkness, with the warmth of the water and the soft bubbles releasing energy all over.  Bliss.  Sat in front of my Goddess Altar before sleep, I again, cut and cut all attachments, opening to the new, and welcoming in Life.  Magical time of year.

Dreamt of us being passionate together all night - which felt like it was undoing all my detaching work!  Made me laugh this morning!  So, constantly having to re-check where I'm attached, letting it go...  about to go into the woods, very misty this morning.. Perfect!

Life is Short! Melancholy!

I've spent all morning dusting, hoovering, clearning, baking...feels good in my little cottage but cant help feeling just a little bit melancholy.  Swaying to some gentle music as I type this - quite frankly yearning for my lovers arms to be wrapped around me, swaying with me!

I watch as I dip into lonliness, sadness, yearning.. and then a shake...a shudder of my physical body.. to be fully here, now, present and alive!  I can close my eyes, right now.. and sink, sink into the depths of blackness..and can experience both bliss and despair..simultaneously it seems.

A friend is coming around for lunch and we going to a gig tonight - wonderful, and looking forward to it..but my mind comes in with 'this is the ex's fave band, his friend really, how will I feel tonight'   ...bah!  Tomorrow, a guy I recently met is treating me to a picnic somewhere - hes cooking some vegan food especially - I feel like a princess when I think about that... only thing is, he's not my beloved...

You see, black and white, darkness and light, positive and negative...sadness and happiness..illness and health.  All part of life, the divine plan..  wonderful really...human experience....

I promise I will remember!  

Weird Day Yesterday?

Did you all find it weird energetically yesterday?  I woke up feeling really low, sad, like there was some pending doom to come upon me/us...  I went into the woods and felt heaps better, but there was this undercurrent feeling...

I spoke with several friends who all said the same thing, they'd either been crying, felt uneasy, sad, emotional etc etc...mmmmmm....  This just confirms to me that nothing we experience is 'personal'..  and sometimes, there are energetic shifts happening that affect all beings...its just that some pick up on it more than others....

I travelled down to Devon to visit friends and hopefully go to the folk fest down here...altho friends dont seem so keen!  On the way, I went through several storms...and just as i had driven through another one,  I was in the outside lane and in the distance, I saw all this smoke and haze...I knew something had happened..so slowed down...  all was calm really... luckily everyone was fairly 'together' having just gone through the rain storm...but I was the first to put the hazards on... and as i got closer, there were several cars, that had stopped and hit the central reservation barrier...

No one was hurt, everyone was walking...no subsequent crashes, but after, I stopped at the services and just wailed into my steering wheel - shaking and just feeling so sad.  The feelings washed through me until they were done... I announced to myself that life was too bloomin short..and went on my way...  (World watch out!  :) )

Last night, I attended a seminar by a man who talked about 2012, the cosmic changes that will affect our magnetic poles etc...  he has studied with many cultures, pulling together all their myths, predictions etc...  very interesting..he talked about a period of 3 days of darkness....when humans become into a higher consciousness...  there will be many openings of doorways/parellel universes etc.   mmmmm...lots to think about.

Planetary wise, Saturn left virgo yesterday (Wont return for 28 years).which has been in a period of shedding what doesnt serve us any more, letting go of the past..  It has now entered Libra.  The lessons now are about relationships and agreements..no time for quick fixes..for Saturn gets impatient with anything that is uncertain or dishonest.

I have started to get some feedback on my blog which is great...no 'fall out' yet.. which is a relief...  It has been said that I am very brave to have put my self 'out there' with such vulnerability...  I dont see that..  whilst I recognise that this is not what many will do..I hope that through this, more sisters and brothers will see that there is nothing personal and be inspired to share too....

X

Being Authentic....Being Whole..

I have sat with the fact that I have two FB accounts and only link one to this blog..the one with all my mainly 'alternative', open-thinking contacts as friends..  meaning that the majority of my connections on FB rarely see this intimate account of my journey or the whole Lisa/Lissy Lou..

I realise that I did that mainly to 'temper' how I portray myself to certain people..ex work colleagues, family, old school friends etc for fear of ridicule, judgement etc.  This is pointless and just not authentic..using my other page as an escape route for what I dont want to hear or accept about my self.  

So... this is it.. I am deleting the other account..the friends on there are on my original one anyhow..   I have had a bit of feedback about my writings thus far but it would be really great to hear your reflections, thoughts, own seeings...  whatever we go through in life, is not personal...many are facing similar issues/crises and we can only see that when it is open and shared...

My reasons for starting a blog are detailed in the very first entry...following the lunar eclipse earlier this month...I have been asked several times to share in a group, workshop or forum and this feels a good way to begin..

If you are offended by anything, find reading this uncomfortable, think its werid stuff etc etc.. then by all means delete me from your friends list, or simply do not hit the blog tab... I will not be offended but I hope that you instead just share in my journey..