Hmmm... no title...just hmmm!

Again, been a while since I wrote.  Sat up in bed right now, listening to the birds outside and loving the feel of the duvet, sheets and pillows! 

Over the weekend, was taken to do an activity that I rarely undertake and when I do hardly ever enjoy - Shopping!  Even stranger to go around shops with a man, picking things out, asking me to try things on etc.  I found it uncomfortable and I got self-conscious but I endeavoured to drop the thought and feelings surrounding this and to surrender and allow this man to give his love, to allow the gift of receiving!   Felt lovely but still a little awkward for me.   I know that to receive is allowing someone else the gift of giving...the buzz, the happiness that brings..but still hard to do.

Afterwards back to where I am more comfortable, amonst stone circles, woods, open countryside..exploring new places, sights and sounds.  Breathing in the freshness of the air rather than the hustle and bustle of a busy city centre.   Wonderful.

Soooo tired... have been sleeping lots over the last couple of weeks, but after the shopping trip, felt exhausted..the city centre, all those people, energy in shops etc drained me.   Whilst the stones and countryside rejuvenated me a little, it wasnt enough and later had to come out of a Nick Harper gig, part way through becuase I was falling asleep on my feet!  Not an easy thing to do with the music Nick was playing!

Today though, lazing in bed for the morning, feeling delicious after such tender loving over the last few days.

I have a blessed life!  XX

Freedom! Hair chopped, cutting of past energies...an epipheny

Had my hair cut yesterday which for those of you that know me better, can be a bit of thing.. I like my long hair..and what with illness, stress and a rogue hairdresser earlier this year...I've done nothing but moan about my hair for months!  Yesterday, went to a new one..who talked through it all, cut it so it looked better...and was reassured that it would all be ok again with a couple of months!  mainly due to the rogue hairdresser cutting too many layers in last time!   its actually very healthy!

So... feel so much better...and went out last night to a beautiful concert by Nigel and Carolyn from Dartmoor...  so lovely..I meditated a lot, sank in and watched the pictures of Dartmoor Stones and woods...with lovely thoughts of times past there, past loves etc etc.....

An epipheny mometn earlier whilst washing up of all things!   Hands in suds.. I suddenly thought...and said out loud.. F***... what a fool you have been woman!!   I suddenly had a flash of some of the discussions I had had with the ex, comments he had made and I had listened, accepted them and..stayed!  too long!   So compromising myself and my truth!  I deserved and do deserve better!  He is a good man, lovely, sensitive, adorable BUT not ready to be in relationship with me..it is possible for us to fall in love and not be able to stay together.. 

So...  had let him go already,, but now..even more cutting of the chords that tie...  no more shrines to love that has gone!  I love here and now..this moment....  wonderfully freeing...  went into the woods..  So different now that all the leaves are on the ground, still so beautiful and full of energy...  i slipped on my bum twice in the mud - in the same place.  Tinkering going on in there I am sure.   I took some new pics of the wood last week which I will post on here... some have spotten tree spirits in the photos..can you see them?  An amazing Yoni in a tree trunk too.....beautiful!

Surrendering and release...power for renewed growth.

1st November, Samhain yesterday...auspicious turning of the wheel of the year.   Letting go of that which has outlived its fruitfulness so that its decay can release back into the earth, nutrients that will power next Spring's renewed growth.

Thats where I feel I am..  saying goodbye to the ex who had been looking after Milo for the weekend...love still strong and energy connected..but  now is not the time..his journey of discovery taking a different road.  As I said goodbye, I re-cut the chords that had been connected during his visit, could feel the oxycotin hormone going through my body, so visualised it travelling down my spine, through my Yoni into the earth... 

I then sat in my own couldron for a while (Hot tub!)... meditating in the darkness, with the warmth of the water and the soft bubbles releasing energy all over.  Bliss.  Sat in front of my Goddess Altar before sleep, I again, cut and cut all attachments, opening to the new, and welcoming in Life.  Magical time of year.

Dreamt of us being passionate together all night - which felt like it was undoing all my detaching work!  Made me laugh this morning!  So, constantly having to re-check where I'm attached, letting it go...  about to go into the woods, very misty this morning.. Perfect!

Surrender..Love..Truth of Life.

A sister sent me this poem yesterday.. such truth!  

I will love you unconditionally.
Every day I will let you go.
You are free my love.
...Where so ever you tread
I will love you.
In whoever's arms you may lay
I will love you.
Whenever you come to me
I will honour every moment
as a gift of new-ness
unexpected.
I will hold you in my arms
as if it were our first time.
My heart is ever open.
There is only Love.

~Yuri Leitch ~

This says more about what is occuring in my life right now than anything else I could write....

Surrendering and Releasing,,,

There seems so much to write today.. I went to help a friend on Saturday..a dear sister who is going through so much of her own heartache and life turmoil... and then intended to go to a music night but things didnt turn out that way!  Her car broke down and we spent much of the evening with a 'very nice' AA Man - (i have learned so much about power steering fluid)...and then spent an evening sharing with sisters until the early hours....

The story I heard from one of  them touched a memory in me that I thought I had 'dealt' with.. that of being with a 'controlling' and possibly violent man and the hold that takes over you as a women in that situation...  we are powerful women and yet still succumb..it was a valuable learning for me..

This morning, I travelled through the lanes towards beloved Avebury..and yet another blast from my past.. my old campervan I spotted on a field....suddenly found myslef wanting to take 'ownership' of the van..she looked so beautiful and cared for... I htought I had surrendered it long ago...instead I recovered my picture of Amma from inside and went on my way to the stones...

Then life showed me one of those special gifts... it all happened so quickly but in slow motion...  I was driving along and a car was coming the other way on a country lane..when out of the side, a deer was running across the road in front of us....  so graceful and magical...  both us drivers stopped, we looked into each others eyes for a brief moment, seemingly to acknowledge this connection.. and then when the deer had disappeared, we both put our foot back on our pedal..and moved on.  What a Gift...meeting love, recognising it, acknowledging it and then letting it go...all playing out in front of my eyes.

I walked the avenue, the stones at a slow pace, taking in the magical energies and really surrendering all thoughts and feelings, letting go, shedding, ...getting lighter step by step...it was an amazing mini-journey.  I was smiling, really taking in  how beautiful life is really..how much I have to be thankful for.

Having lunch I sat with a photographer who had been taking lots of pictures of the stones..and he talked about he was going to photoshop them to bring them to life in his creative way...  he talked about his love of  his area, of England, of his wife, his life..  a brief exchange..and it was wonderful.

Visiting the stones that I have resonance with, constantly letting go of thoughts, feelings, pain but not beating my self up over them..letting go and letting go....   and then the trees with roots that seem to just be calling you in to sit amongst them.. i sat..and read some of the notes that had been left by others.  Some were saying goodbye to loved ones, others had their dreams and wishes for their future...it felt like I was taking a glimpse into another human experience...touching.

Thanking the stones, I then went to the Long Barrow and the waters at the edge.. magical place..filled with gifts left by others, ribbons and trinkets makeing their noises along with teh birds and the buzz of insects.  I took my shoes off and plunged my feet into the cold waters...so amazing...to feel the circulation in my legs come alive and travel up and up my spine.. I stayed there for ages..silently acknowledging where I was at..and having such clarity that things are just as they should be.

I left my own messages, invisible, non-physical ones and then travelled home to pick up Milo.....  There is more but I need to eat and nourish myself....maybe speak more later.

Heart Breaking Surrender....

.... I am going through heaps...shedding so much.. in tears..  have to let go to what is..and accept.  its no good keep asking why..it hurts so much.  I love so deeply and open..so powerful and have to die to the pain of not being met/seen...   

Having spent a few more days with a man whom I love, I finally admit and accept that we must part our paths for good...  god, just writing the words, makes my stomach lurch and I have a pain in my chest..  but I know its right..and clear.

This man is not for me, not ready, cannot step through, fall in whatever... he speaks of finding the torture of regret, past attachment, guilt, his head a comfort!  he believes its his identity.. ..thinking that that somehow confirms his existence..   maybe the beauty he experienced with this woman scared him, threatens his attchement to his past, inviting him to fall into the unknown.... he cannot..  cannot take the opportunity that has presented to him at this time...he doesnt love..cant love.

So.. I must let him go..for to hold is fruitless, causing me to suffer not being seen or met fully by the man I love..

I surrdender to this.. and let him go on his journey... for he must go his own way...