Surrendering and Releasing,,,

There seems so much to write today.. I went to help a friend on Saturday..a dear sister who is going through so much of her own heartache and life turmoil... and then intended to go to a music night but things didnt turn out that way!  Her car broke down and we spent much of the evening with a 'very nice' AA Man - (i have learned so much about power steering fluid)...and then spent an evening sharing with sisters until the early hours....

The story I heard from one of  them touched a memory in me that I thought I had 'dealt' with.. that of being with a 'controlling' and possibly violent man and the hold that takes over you as a women in that situation...  we are powerful women and yet still succumb..it was a valuable learning for me..

This morning, I travelled through the lanes towards beloved Avebury..and yet another blast from my past.. my old campervan I spotted on a field....suddenly found myslef wanting to take 'ownership' of the van..she looked so beautiful and cared for... I htought I had surrendered it long ago...instead I recovered my picture of Amma from inside and went on my way to the stones...

Then life showed me one of those special gifts... it all happened so quickly but in slow motion...  I was driving along and a car was coming the other way on a country lane..when out of the side, a deer was running across the road in front of us....  so graceful and magical...  both us drivers stopped, we looked into each others eyes for a brief moment, seemingly to acknowledge this connection.. and then when the deer had disappeared, we both put our foot back on our pedal..and moved on.  What a Gift...meeting love, recognising it, acknowledging it and then letting it go...all playing out in front of my eyes.

I walked the avenue, the stones at a slow pace, taking in the magical energies and really surrendering all thoughts and feelings, letting go, shedding, ...getting lighter step by step...it was an amazing mini-journey.  I was smiling, really taking in  how beautiful life is really..how much I have to be thankful for.

Having lunch I sat with a photographer who had been taking lots of pictures of the stones..and he talked about he was going to photoshop them to bring them to life in his creative way...  he talked about his love of  his area, of England, of his wife, his life..  a brief exchange..and it was wonderful.

Visiting the stones that I have resonance with, constantly letting go of thoughts, feelings, pain but not beating my self up over them..letting go and letting go....   and then the trees with roots that seem to just be calling you in to sit amongst them.. i sat..and read some of the notes that had been left by others.  Some were saying goodbye to loved ones, others had their dreams and wishes for their future...it felt like I was taking a glimpse into another human experience...touching.

Thanking the stones, I then went to the Long Barrow and the waters at the edge.. magical place..filled with gifts left by others, ribbons and trinkets makeing their noises along with teh birds and the buzz of insects.  I took my shoes off and plunged my feet into the cold waters...so amazing...to feel the circulation in my legs come alive and travel up and up my spine.. I stayed there for ages..silently acknowledging where I was at..and having such clarity that things are just as they should be.

I left my own messages, invisible, non-physical ones and then travelled home to pick up Milo.....  There is more but I need to eat and nourish myself....maybe speak more later.

Heart Breaking Surrender....

.... I am going through heaps...shedding so much.. in tears..  have to let go to what is..and accept.  its no good keep asking why..it hurts so much.  I love so deeply and open..so powerful and have to die to the pain of not being met/seen...   

Having spent a few more days with a man whom I love, I finally admit and accept that we must part our paths for good...  god, just writing the words, makes my stomach lurch and I have a pain in my chest..  but I know its right..and clear.

This man is not for me, not ready, cannot step through, fall in whatever... he speaks of finding the torture of regret, past attachment, guilt, his head a comfort!  he believes its his identity.. ..thinking that that somehow confirms his existence..   maybe the beauty he experienced with this woman scared him, threatens his attchement to his past, inviting him to fall into the unknown.... he cannot..  cannot take the opportunity that has presented to him at this time...he doesnt love..cant love.

So.. I must let him go..for to hold is fruitless, causing me to suffer not being seen or met fully by the man I love..

I surrdender to this.. and let him go on his journey... for he must go his own way...