Mixed emotions....

A bit of everything thrown in the last few days....  I am feeling tired and achey.   A few days to relax and chill before the many tests/scans booked over the next few weeks - its sunny and bright outside but I am scared and tearful.  I dont really want to cry as it will make my eyes sore - they are already sore from being so tired...holding it in.

I've tried to keep positive and concentrate on the 'good' stories on the net but I cant help noticing some of the dire outcomes for Lupus sufferers - its scary.   I am not afraid of death - have been close to it before BUT even so, it makes me go dizzy thinking about what may be in store for me.  So premature as well - I need to have more blood tests for final decision yet - its so ridiculous that I am allowing my mind, fear to get in and cause havoc.    Blood clotting disorders, RP thrown in as well - I feel its all out of my control - which of course it is on some level!

I've also been looking at the dilemma of going against my 'belief's' and 'principles' in finally going down conventional treatment route...  I still have that belief that I can 'reverse' this thing, that we can heal ourselves, good diet, good living etc etc...... not wanting to get into the cycle of 'pharmaceuticals' masking symptoms, the side effects etc.  Also I buy into all the conspiracy theories that talk about mass vaccinations, big corporate influence, chem trails, fluoride in the water issues etc etc....and here I am about to step into that whole world.  Then again - there again, there is no separation, all is part of the whole, of god, the one!  And then I think that had I been in a different culture, different period in time, then I wouldnt have survived to this age - I'd have been picked off a long time ago.

Not sure if that gets across what the dilemma is within me.

I want a hug, I want to be held right now. 

Life has put me in a place that I am alone for a few days though - so maybe I will cuddle Milo, meditate, love myself - that is what I must do. All perfect - I have to keep reminding myself!

Yearning of Woman..Aloneness.

I posted a music video on my facebook page yesterday - its a song written by a man, who talks of ‘holding’ woman in a tender, beautiful way. The link is below.

It has prompted some Sisters to write to me and a couple have posted on my wall with their tears, pain and fear that there are no men that are really committed to a deeper way of living and loving.

Much pain, sadness around the feminine principle it seems...sudden death of their beloved, sudden walk out of family home, years of not being met in a deep place, hurt by abuse, lack of commitment etc.. these are some of the ‘stories’ I have heard this week.

The feminine principle yearns to be met by true man who is committed to a deeper way of living and loving. She fears that there just aren’t men out there...tired of opening, giving of love to be disillusioned again and again. This particular song was written by Man and passed onto me by Man!

Aloneness – in the human form this comes and goes, a cycle, a fact of life. Maybe our challenge as Woman is to not close down when we have no physical beloved. She can use these times of aloneness to go deeper into her inner love. For me, I meditate, hold a tree as if it were my lover. Give it and the Earth your love and passion..breathe deep and you will feel the energy go through your body – see what happens next!

Eat well, dance, sing, read, enjoy nature, paint, draw, write..do anything that is creative...anything that you enjoy with a passion.....

With grace maybe that physical form will show up... if we are surrendered and open then that Man has an opportunity to meet us fully. I have written a few times of my sadness, despair, heartache and not perfect in all of this but I have never given up. I trust..

Love and tender hugs to all beautiful Sisters....

Quiet Breathe! Air filled lungs....aahhhh!!!

What a delightful day!  Sunshine and being able to breathe in a way that I havent felt for so long!  The steroids have I would say kicked in and although no longer taking them, it will brilliant today to be able to walk fast through town, up hill, breathe deep in my belly and 'listen' to my almost silent breathing!  Amazing!   I went for a big walk with the dogs....soaking in the last of the days sunshine...and expressing delight at everything.

Earlier today I went to a family funeral..I'm not religious but my mother is..  We sat together in the crematorium, she singing, praying and crying...I closing my eyes in remembrance of a cousin that used to 'look after me' when I was small.  In later years, we used to bump into each other at car boot sales and compare our bargains...  I watched the outpouring of grief, sadness, tears as we stood outside afterwards, my mum comforting her niece as she sobbed on her shoulder.  I hadnt seen my mum taking that role before - it was weird watching.  I loved how she held her niece tight..  the energy seemed to go through my body into the earth.  Phil - I think of you with gratitude and a smile.

To end the day, I am typing this and it feels so good to not hear my breathing being so laboured...  I choose deep, clear breath.

Lurgies, Dreams, Lions..

Disturbed night of feeling rubbish with sore throat, headache, runny nose....and many dreams..

The last dream stayed with me the most. I was sharing a house with the ex and his ex partner..all living together. He gradually got more distance until one day he said I must go..but she asked me to stay, that I was needed, that he would soften. He didnt, and as i was packing up my room, she was cleaning the windows repeating to me I must stay! Outside in teh garden, there was some sort of workshop happening..all these women were being trained how to put their heads into a lions head.. there were all these lions on the grass and the women were taking it in turns! Eventually, he came back to me (I was picking up cutlery off the floor) and said what will it take to help you leave....all the time, she was behind him saying stay... I woke up then, realising that there had always been three in the relationship, he had never stopped loving her, couldnt let her go..even though she had clearly moved on herself. He kept hold of her energetically and it had always been around...

So..if anyone knows of the significance of the lions etc, please let me know.. they feel significant!

I have delayed going off to Devon for another day... I feel unwell so will take it easy today, visit the woods maybe, and have one more night in my own bed before heading off...

Journey's and shifts.....

I went to the woods, and discovered new rambling brooks and twisted trees.. one tree had water flowing from underneath her roots which was amazing to watch and feel. On walking back, on my path was the head of dead bird, I think a crow, with the spinal cord trailing behind.. the rest of the body had gone. As i walked past, a load of wasps came out of it.. mmm.. anyone any ideas?

When I got back to the pc, I thought I was in a still place, but on my screen was updates of my 'friends' on facebook, one of them being my ex, who had decided to list all the gigs, festivals hes going to attend over the coming months... hit me right in the stomach! Felt nauseous, panicky and decided to delete him from my 'friends' list as I just cant do this to my heart any more. This link has to be broken... feel right now a mixture of relief and sadness!

I then followed a lead meditation by a woman inspirational teacher, Rori Raye, who looks into all things to do with relationships, and this particular meditation was about looking at why we attract certain partners...there is a belief that we attract the qualities in others that we dont want to face in ourselves...

So off I went on my inner journey, into a cold, damp, dark cave like place. There was a young girl in there cowering in the corner, wearing white, which had gotten dirty from the living conditions. Her name was Polly, she was afraid, lonely, seemed small, bent over, as if trying to make herself invisible! I was crying throughout the scene.. this girl before me was wearing white but was trying to blend in to the background, trying not to be noticed...in a black cave! She was wary of me, not very approachable and was used to putting people off... Rori talked me through telling her that I was in charge, that I was strong but would she help me.. Polly said, I dont how to help, shaking her head in fear. I held out my arms and hugged her but she didnt respond with any energy..

That felt good writing that all down.. I am still digesting it but it all feels significant...

Weird Day Yesterday?

Did you all find it weird energetically yesterday?  I woke up feeling really low, sad, like there was some pending doom to come upon me/us...  I went into the woods and felt heaps better, but there was this undercurrent feeling...

I spoke with several friends who all said the same thing, they'd either been crying, felt uneasy, sad, emotional etc etc...mmmmmm....  This just confirms to me that nothing we experience is 'personal'..  and sometimes, there are energetic shifts happening that affect all beings...its just that some pick up on it more than others....

I travelled down to Devon to visit friends and hopefully go to the folk fest down here...altho friends dont seem so keen!  On the way, I went through several storms...and just as i had driven through another one,  I was in the outside lane and in the distance, I saw all this smoke and haze...I knew something had happened..so slowed down...  all was calm really... luckily everyone was fairly 'together' having just gone through the rain storm...but I was the first to put the hazards on... and as i got closer, there were several cars, that had stopped and hit the central reservation barrier...

No one was hurt, everyone was walking...no subsequent crashes, but after, I stopped at the services and just wailed into my steering wheel - shaking and just feeling so sad.  The feelings washed through me until they were done... I announced to myself that life was too bloomin short..and went on my way...  (World watch out!  :) )

Last night, I attended a seminar by a man who talked about 2012, the cosmic changes that will affect our magnetic poles etc...  he has studied with many cultures, pulling together all their myths, predictions etc...  very interesting..he talked about a period of 3 days of darkness....when humans become into a higher consciousness...  there will be many openings of doorways/parellel universes etc.   mmmmm...lots to think about.

Planetary wise, Saturn left virgo yesterday (Wont return for 28 years).which has been in a period of shedding what doesnt serve us any more, letting go of the past..  It has now entered Libra.  The lessons now are about relationships and agreements..no time for quick fixes..for Saturn gets impatient with anything that is uncertain or dishonest.

I have started to get some feedback on my blog which is great...no 'fall out' yet.. which is a relief...  It has been said that I am very brave to have put my self 'out there' with such vulnerability...  I dont see that..  whilst I recognise that this is not what many will do..I hope that through this, more sisters and brothers will see that there is nothing personal and be inspired to share too....

X

Surrendering and Releasing,,,

There seems so much to write today.. I went to help a friend on Saturday..a dear sister who is going through so much of her own heartache and life turmoil... and then intended to go to a music night but things didnt turn out that way!  Her car broke down and we spent much of the evening with a 'very nice' AA Man - (i have learned so much about power steering fluid)...and then spent an evening sharing with sisters until the early hours....

The story I heard from one of  them touched a memory in me that I thought I had 'dealt' with.. that of being with a 'controlling' and possibly violent man and the hold that takes over you as a women in that situation...  we are powerful women and yet still succumb..it was a valuable learning for me..

This morning, I travelled through the lanes towards beloved Avebury..and yet another blast from my past.. my old campervan I spotted on a field....suddenly found myslef wanting to take 'ownership' of the van..she looked so beautiful and cared for... I htought I had surrendered it long ago...instead I recovered my picture of Amma from inside and went on my way to the stones...

Then life showed me one of those special gifts... it all happened so quickly but in slow motion...  I was driving along and a car was coming the other way on a country lane..when out of the side, a deer was running across the road in front of us....  so graceful and magical...  both us drivers stopped, we looked into each others eyes for a brief moment, seemingly to acknowledge this connection.. and then when the deer had disappeared, we both put our foot back on our pedal..and moved on.  What a Gift...meeting love, recognising it, acknowledging it and then letting it go...all playing out in front of my eyes.

I walked the avenue, the stones at a slow pace, taking in the magical energies and really surrendering all thoughts and feelings, letting go, shedding, ...getting lighter step by step...it was an amazing mini-journey.  I was smiling, really taking in  how beautiful life is really..how much I have to be thankful for.

Having lunch I sat with a photographer who had been taking lots of pictures of the stones..and he talked about he was going to photoshop them to bring them to life in his creative way...  he talked about his love of  his area, of England, of his wife, his life..  a brief exchange..and it was wonderful.

Visiting the stones that I have resonance with, constantly letting go of thoughts, feelings, pain but not beating my self up over them..letting go and letting go....   and then the trees with roots that seem to just be calling you in to sit amongst them.. i sat..and read some of the notes that had been left by others.  Some were saying goodbye to loved ones, others had their dreams and wishes for their future...it felt like I was taking a glimpse into another human experience...touching.

Thanking the stones, I then went to the Long Barrow and the waters at the edge.. magical place..filled with gifts left by others, ribbons and trinkets makeing their noises along with teh birds and the buzz of insects.  I took my shoes off and plunged my feet into the cold waters...so amazing...to feel the circulation in my legs come alive and travel up and up my spine.. I stayed there for ages..silently acknowledging where I was at..and having such clarity that things are just as they should be.

I left my own messages, invisible, non-physical ones and then travelled home to pick up Milo.....  There is more but I need to eat and nourish myself....maybe speak more later.

New Day!

Well.. very briefly when I first awoke...there was no memory..everything was just so..and and then I remembered..and all those yucky feelings returned once more...  So I acknowledged them, said thank you, I heard you and got up.    After reading a while, I did my tai chi and vocal yoga, acknowledging the divine feminine and giving thanks for life.   and feel much more centered today.  There is still a nagging pain, deep in my belly..but it is fine...

The dogs are playing around my desk...the sun is shining (ish!),...and ooo.. just remembered.   outside my back door there has been a 'weed' growing all spring...I left it and left it, seeing that the weed was going to produce some kind of flower head... and today, its bloomed - a beautiful purple budleigha...  its a plant that is very special to me...has followed me around a lot...    Another of lifes gifts!..

Nourished from the woods...

I have just retuned to the beloved woods at home....like returning to my real home..within and in the outer...

I sobbed into the trunk of the 'mother' tree and the 'father' tree...wailing in release of this pain...so primal and earthy..and so right somehow..  It didnt last long, as I careesed the curves of the trunk, its different forms of bark and moss...I became more centred and willed for more release of this pain into the cosmos..

it passed through...and the sunshine glimmered through the leaves..welcoming me into the new..unknown... asking me to let go with love and acceptance for what is.. for it is the will of life itself, I...

As I meditated in the gentle light, I noticed several times a sort of an eye, in the corner... with movement inside it... but as soon as I  'noticed' it or 'acknowledged' it with a thought, it disappeared... 

The tears are an indulgence of my ego..not getting what it wants..an attachment to the body/mind, pain..rather than true knowing...

I realise that all this 'dating game' has shown me time and time again that I truly dont want the 'ordinary, mundane life'...with comfort and security...when I am offered it, I refuse it for I know it will kill me.   With this love that has parted from me, there was an opportunity for the 'ordinary' to be transformed into the 'extra ordinary'....there was a glimpse that has not been fulfilled... this is what is so painful and to die to.

After a while in the woods, I bathed my feet in the stream....allowing its waters to flow through and around me.  I raised my arms to lift the veil, it was blissful...welcoming in the new, the as yet unknown...and releaseing the pain, old stuck energies through my soles.    As my eyes were closed, the eye returned, bigger and all encompassing...  this is who I truly am.

I see that I have 'tempered' who I am, set up a whole new profile page to hide my self and this blog from some others...its made it complicated and unreal somehow in the 'hope' that man will take the tiny steps into the unknown with me..rather than have to take a great leap!   But I cannot do that....I cannot use ego to appear to assist another in their journey..  their journey is theirs alone...it has to be all alone, all one!  He might just have to take the giant leap!

So, now I am sitting with whether to merge my profiles and make this more public to all my contacts not just those that I beleive will get it....  its personal but its not...but I also have to consider the feelings of others...mmmmmm!

Its just started to pour with rain here.... my door is open...and the newness of life the rain drops come in..  also smile as so many 'tears' have fallen like raindrops around the world from the scores of women suffering with heartache right now...  the tears like the rain..can transform and bring in the new..