Mixed emotions....

A bit of everything thrown in the last few days....  I am feeling tired and achey.   A few days to relax and chill before the many tests/scans booked over the next few weeks - its sunny and bright outside but I am scared and tearful.  I dont really want to cry as it will make my eyes sore - they are already sore from being so tired...holding it in.

I've tried to keep positive and concentrate on the 'good' stories on the net but I cant help noticing some of the dire outcomes for Lupus sufferers - its scary.   I am not afraid of death - have been close to it before BUT even so, it makes me go dizzy thinking about what may be in store for me.  So premature as well - I need to have more blood tests for final decision yet - its so ridiculous that I am allowing my mind, fear to get in and cause havoc.    Blood clotting disorders, RP thrown in as well - I feel its all out of my control - which of course it is on some level!

I've also been looking at the dilemma of going against my 'belief's' and 'principles' in finally going down conventional treatment route...  I still have that belief that I can 'reverse' this thing, that we can heal ourselves, good diet, good living etc etc...... not wanting to get into the cycle of 'pharmaceuticals' masking symptoms, the side effects etc.  Also I buy into all the conspiracy theories that talk about mass vaccinations, big corporate influence, chem trails, fluoride in the water issues etc etc....and here I am about to step into that whole world.  Then again - there again, there is no separation, all is part of the whole, of god, the one!  And then I think that had I been in a different culture, different period in time, then I wouldnt have survived to this age - I'd have been picked off a long time ago.

Not sure if that gets across what the dilemma is within me.

I want a hug, I want to be held right now. 

Life has put me in a place that I am alone for a few days though - so maybe I will cuddle Milo, meditate, love myself - that is what I must do. All perfect - I have to keep reminding myself!

Busy..busy..busy.....buzzing along...

Phew.. been a hectic week so far...have too much work on for a change. Not complaining but really noticing the difference from times last year... its been so beautiful with blue skies, frosty mornings and I havent had time to get into the woods with Milo. :(

There was an assignment/interim placement on offer at a company I have worked at before - I loved it there and was keen to go back...but the terms had changed and we couldnt agree on the financial aspects so I am not now doing it. On one hand I am a little sad, but on the other, I totally trust in life and as I was a bit unsure about the extra commitment of hours, was ok which ever way it went. I also saw how I need to value my time and not under-value my skills in monetary terms... it feels good that I stuck to what I felt I was worth. I know that I will be ok - maybe life is saying to concentrate on the clients I have and to get boosting my alternative therapies business. Suddenly, all these ideas are stirring again....

Also, this week, I experienced a power cut... in the middle of some work emails, the electric went at 4pm.. with news that it may come on in 3.4 hours time! it was just starting to get dusk then, so had chance to get candles prepared and get wrapped up against the cold. Now I have lived in a cabin with no electrity and should be used to this.. but you know I found it hard. How reliant I have become on my laptop, access to the internet, dvd and music entertainment! I was shocked at myself so endeavoured to meditate and then read by candelight... oh I was so fidgity! Just couldnt sit still..

Then I got hungry..with no way to cook for myself, I had to go and hunt for a take away..firstly having to borrow some money from next door (how embarrasing!) and then having to go out of my village area to find somewhere that was open with electric. Having got my food, came back....lit the last candle for a romantic candlelit dinner by myself....and pop... the electric came on! :) I smiled..and switched the lights off and carried on eating in the dim lights.... lovely.. but shame I didnt have anyone here to share it with.

Full moon was very powerful over the last few days.. yesterday it felt like it was boreing into my third eye all day and night.. didnt get much sleep yet again but did enjoy moon bathing on my bed!

Have nothing particular planned for the weekend and looking forward to just relaxing and doing 'whatever' as I feel..lovely.

Namaste

X

Malvern Hills...

I took Milo somewhere different for his walk today, we drove to the Malverns and walked over two of the peaks for several hours. It was wonderful, freeing..meeting lots of other people with their dogs, sitting watching the views and playing stick with Milo.

I didnt feel alone or in pain..just free. Had a bit of a realisation though and reminder of the meditation/journey I did the other day, where I met me as a young woman in the cave..trying to hide with her white dress on. Several times, some guys who were running past us, and whilst I controlled Milo, the lead guy would say thanks and nod.. on the second time, he said we meet again..and you know I couldnt look up, I just nodded and concentrated on Milo! Ugh!

So after giving myself a good talking to internally, the next time they passed, he said again, you see, we meet again! This time, I literally forced my head up and replied back to him..but this time, knew I hadnt smiled! So again, gave myslef another talking to and on the third occasion, tried to do the whole lot - I did for a second maybe! Now, this guy was only being friendly, nothing in it but it showed me .. God, I feel like a little girl.. that little girl that is trying desperately to fit in, blend in, not be noticed and yet she yearns to be met in the divine so deeply! She has to trust.. and be open...

Anyway, as I write that little story, it made me smile! hey.. it almost feels like I am a teenager again.. nowt wrong with that. I just need to practice!!!!

X

Moon bathing..

At around 3.30am, I awoke suddendly and felt drawn to go and sit outside, directly under the moon.. I took some of my crystals with me and sat facing the moon but what drew me in was the planet/star that is so bright a little way across. does anyone know what this is? I am guessing it was Venus?

Anyway, I sank in, breathed and just soaked up the energies... with my eyes open, I could see a few dark holes in the sky but if I looked directly at the blackness, they disappeared... I wondered if I had been reading too much about stargates etc and just decided to close my eyes and meditate deeply.

As the dawn approached, a group of bats started circuling above, I was aware of their 'clicks' as they darted around the rooftop above.. graceful and silent apart from their clicking.. and as it got lighter, they disappeared and the birds started their chorus, joined by the resident cockerall...

After moving my crystals up to my altar where the goddess statue sits, I returned to bed and slept..waking up at intervals..I feel connected to the ex, when his alarm would go off, when he would eat, dress, leave for work etc... I am feeling a little frustrated with myself at doing this.. it feels so attached..but I wont beat myself up!

Bats as a power animal? Apparently they indicate death and rebirth. Bats help us to release fear and patterns which no longer fits within our pattern of growth. Bat flying into your life signifies that transformation of the ego self is about to occur, the end of a way of life and the start of another. The bat gives you the wisdom required to make the appropriate changes for the birthing of your new identity. Bats are sociable animals which can indicate a need for more sociability or increased opportunity with greater numbers of people.

Journey's and shifts.....

I went to the woods, and discovered new rambling brooks and twisted trees.. one tree had water flowing from underneath her roots which was amazing to watch and feel. On walking back, on my path was the head of dead bird, I think a crow, with the spinal cord trailing behind.. the rest of the body had gone. As i walked past, a load of wasps came out of it.. mmm.. anyone any ideas?

When I got back to the pc, I thought I was in a still place, but on my screen was updates of my 'friends' on facebook, one of them being my ex, who had decided to list all the gigs, festivals hes going to attend over the coming months... hit me right in the stomach! Felt nauseous, panicky and decided to delete him from my 'friends' list as I just cant do this to my heart any more. This link has to be broken... feel right now a mixture of relief and sadness!

I then followed a lead meditation by a woman inspirational teacher, Rori Raye, who looks into all things to do with relationships, and this particular meditation was about looking at why we attract certain partners...there is a belief that we attract the qualities in others that we dont want to face in ourselves...

So off I went on my inner journey, into a cold, damp, dark cave like place. There was a young girl in there cowering in the corner, wearing white, which had gotten dirty from the living conditions. Her name was Polly, she was afraid, lonely, seemed small, bent over, as if trying to make herself invisible! I was crying throughout the scene.. this girl before me was wearing white but was trying to blend in to the background, trying not to be noticed...in a black cave! She was wary of me, not very approachable and was used to putting people off... Rori talked me through telling her that I was in charge, that I was strong but would she help me.. Polly said, I dont how to help, shaking her head in fear. I held out my arms and hugged her but she didnt respond with any energy..

That felt good writing that all down.. I am still digesting it but it all feels significant...