Mixed emotions....

A bit of everything thrown in the last few days....  I am feeling tired and achey.   A few days to relax and chill before the many tests/scans booked over the next few weeks - its sunny and bright outside but I am scared and tearful.  I dont really want to cry as it will make my eyes sore - they are already sore from being so tired...holding it in.

I've tried to keep positive and concentrate on the 'good' stories on the net but I cant help noticing some of the dire outcomes for Lupus sufferers - its scary.   I am not afraid of death - have been close to it before BUT even so, it makes me go dizzy thinking about what may be in store for me.  So premature as well - I need to have more blood tests for final decision yet - its so ridiculous that I am allowing my mind, fear to get in and cause havoc.    Blood clotting disorders, RP thrown in as well - I feel its all out of my control - which of course it is on some level!

I've also been looking at the dilemma of going against my 'belief's' and 'principles' in finally going down conventional treatment route...  I still have that belief that I can 'reverse' this thing, that we can heal ourselves, good diet, good living etc etc...... not wanting to get into the cycle of 'pharmaceuticals' masking symptoms, the side effects etc.  Also I buy into all the conspiracy theories that talk about mass vaccinations, big corporate influence, chem trails, fluoride in the water issues etc etc....and here I am about to step into that whole world.  Then again - there again, there is no separation, all is part of the whole, of god, the one!  And then I think that had I been in a different culture, different period in time, then I wouldnt have survived to this age - I'd have been picked off a long time ago.

Not sure if that gets across what the dilemma is within me.

I want a hug, I want to be held right now. 

Life has put me in a place that I am alone for a few days though - so maybe I will cuddle Milo, meditate, love myself - that is what I must do. All perfect - I have to keep reminding myself!