A bit of everything thrown in the last few days.... I am feeling tired and achey. A few days to relax and chill before the many tests/scans booked over the next few weeks - its sunny and bright outside but I am scared and tearful. I dont really want to cry as it will make my eyes sore - they are already sore from being so tired...holding it in.
I've tried to keep positive and concentrate on the 'good' stories on the net but I cant help noticing some of the dire outcomes for Lupus sufferers - its scary. I am not afraid of death - have been close to it before BUT even so, it makes me go dizzy thinking about what may be in store for me. So premature as well - I need to have more blood tests for final decision yet - its so ridiculous that I am allowing my mind, fear to get in and cause havoc. Blood clotting disorders, RP thrown in as well - I feel its all out of my control - which of course it is on some level!
I've also been looking at the dilemma of going against my 'belief's' and 'principles' in finally going down conventional treatment route... I still have that belief that I can 'reverse' this thing, that we can heal ourselves, good diet, good living etc etc...... not wanting to get into the cycle of 'pharmaceuticals' masking symptoms, the side effects etc. Also I buy into all the conspiracy theories that talk about mass vaccinations, big corporate influence, chem trails, fluoride in the water issues etc etc....and here I am about to step into that whole world. Then again - there again, there is no separation, all is part of the whole, of god, the one! And then I think that had I been in a different culture, different period in time, then I wouldnt have survived to this age - I'd have been picked off a long time ago.
Not sure if that gets across what the dilemma is within me.
I want a hug, I want to be held right now.
Life has put me in a place that I am alone for a few days though - so maybe I will cuddle Milo, meditate, love myself - that is what I must do. All perfect - I have to keep reminding myself!
Showing posts with label lupus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lupus. Show all posts
Friday, 14 October 2011
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Retreating......more diagnosis!
Just come back from a five day retreat in Devon...wonderful space re-connecting with The Form, soaking up the energy and yummy food! My body behaved itself in the main, the weather was good and everyone was so friendly and welcoming.
Milo had a good time with his dog sitters - even managed to find a new doggy girl-friend called Molly. Apparently they were so sweet together!
With all my bags in the lounge ready to unpack and put away, I listen to my messages and my GP had been trying to get hold of me regarding a letter. I open the post and there is a new letter from my London consultant - not great news! along with the diagnosis of RP, it seems I tested positive for Lupus and Coombs, have very high blood pressure and he suspects I may also have antiphospholipid syndrome and scleritis in my eyes. Ugh!
Luckily, I wasnt able to get straight onto the internet but I was in a tizz for a few hours.. I felt so fed up, tired from travelling and couldnt face putting all the stuff in my lounge away or eat. I didnt know what to do really - I really wanted to cry - but couldnt or wouldnt as I didnt want my throat to get irritated and my eyes get sore. Deep breathing, a few Form movements - didnt want to upset my parents who are the closest in distance to me - just wanted to hear what my GP had to say. He eventually 'phoned me back to discuss various appointments for tests and to tell me not to research any of these new things! He knows me well!
Too late though - wont do too much more until I see the specialist again but from I have read, these things could explain some of the mysterious illnesses. symptoms and miscarriages I have had over the years. That is a positive thing - I no longer feel I am going mad. At least now with 'labels', I feel I am believed more and I can now 'let go'... that feeling of taking a deep breath and dropping the tension in relief.
Back to the retreat - whilst before I was still feeling I had let myself down in someway, failed in having to have conventional treatment to feel better, over the space of the last few days and really listening to what a couple of people had to say, I am not beating myself up so much.
These things happen to us as human beings as part of the experience... for whatever reason - maybe some higher purpose. Accepting conventional therapy maybe part of that experience too - and maybe I need to see that ALL things are part of God/the creator/I/the one.... including pharmaceutical drugs - all part of the same. I know of spiritual teachers, enlightened teachers that have also had illness, taken drugs to help them...it is not a failure, just part of the experience.
So.... Namaste to life!
Milo had a good time with his dog sitters - even managed to find a new doggy girl-friend called Molly. Apparently they were so sweet together!
With all my bags in the lounge ready to unpack and put away, I listen to my messages and my GP had been trying to get hold of me regarding a letter. I open the post and there is a new letter from my London consultant - not great news! along with the diagnosis of RP, it seems I tested positive for Lupus and Coombs, have very high blood pressure and he suspects I may also have antiphospholipid syndrome and scleritis in my eyes. Ugh!
Luckily, I wasnt able to get straight onto the internet but I was in a tizz for a few hours.. I felt so fed up, tired from travelling and couldnt face putting all the stuff in my lounge away or eat. I didnt know what to do really - I really wanted to cry - but couldnt or wouldnt as I didnt want my throat to get irritated and my eyes get sore. Deep breathing, a few Form movements - didnt want to upset my parents who are the closest in distance to me - just wanted to hear what my GP had to say. He eventually 'phoned me back to discuss various appointments for tests and to tell me not to research any of these new things! He knows me well!
Too late though - wont do too much more until I see the specialist again but from I have read, these things could explain some of the mysterious illnesses. symptoms and miscarriages I have had over the years. That is a positive thing - I no longer feel I am going mad. At least now with 'labels', I feel I am believed more and I can now 'let go'... that feeling of taking a deep breath and dropping the tension in relief.
Back to the retreat - whilst before I was still feeling I had let myself down in someway, failed in having to have conventional treatment to feel better, over the space of the last few days and really listening to what a couple of people had to say, I am not beating myself up so much.
These things happen to us as human beings as part of the experience... for whatever reason - maybe some higher purpose. Accepting conventional therapy maybe part of that experience too - and maybe I need to see that ALL things are part of God/the creator/I/the one.... including pharmaceutical drugs - all part of the same. I know of spiritual teachers, enlightened teachers that have also had illness, taken drugs to help them...it is not a failure, just part of the experience.
So.... Namaste to life!
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