Neglected Blogging... Hello!

Hello!  Well I lay down with my laptop about to final edit my book...but was drawn to write a blog post instead.  I have neglected my blog for a few months..there has been so much transforming and happening that I couldn't keep up with what was occurring to write about it. 

Now though, I am house bounded again, this time with a broken foot..yes the health and bodily stuff continues for me!  I was just about recovering from a DVt, beginning to get fit again and I tripped over some broken concrete...been hobbling around for two weeks before I got x rayed and discovery of broken bone!  I laughed!  Seriously!?!

For those that follow my Facebook page, you will know that I have had random visits from pigeons wrecking my lounge, a lightening strike in my cottage that knocked out my router, a continuous bleed from my womb which resembled a horror movie massacre at times..also beautiful gatherings of friends for well dressings, birthdays and profound sharing retreats at my place.  Another piece of past, part of history being let go of...the off grid chalet where I had many wonderful memories as well as grief for our lost babies..may the energy of the chalet garden continue to touch and give peace to those who visit.  (Picture of Chalet Garden with gift of flowers layed when I left for the last time)

This has been a time of acceptance that I have no control over anything.. that I have to be who I AM.. and not be concerned with what others think about me.  This has been challenging when it comes to potential intimate relationships, friendships, family and people that enter 'my' life. I hardly sleep yet I am fully awake!  It truly is time to put my head up, stand tall (albeit with crutches!) and follow up my knowing. 

Everytime I have tried to edit the book or write something, the power has gone, my laptop has died and instead I have been laying in my garden looking at the birds and the clouds.  I have been reading an amazing book called "how to be sick".. Written by someone with auto immune disease.. She shares much of the same philosophies as I do..truly inspiring and worth a read.

I also discovered an American tv series called 'under the dome' , based on a Stephen king novel (please no one tell me what happens!). It's got me hooked as it intrigues me with the sci fi aspects and effects and towards the end of series one, there is the birth of a single Monarchy Butterfly.. It flutters around the key characters in the story.  So beautiful and a powerful.  It's a message of transformation for those living under the dome.

Reminded me of the butterflies I greeted in Tuscany last year, sleeping in Room 11, The Butterfly room, of the butterfly that flew around my legs as I was speaking in a heart share group and then flew from under my skirt....  This summer, I have planted a pot of nasternums next to my Buddha..especially for the butterflies to lay their eggs...giving the caterpillars nourishment when they hatch.    This afternoon I noticed that the front of the book 'how to be sick' also has a butterfly on it.   

It is time to care for my cocoon once more...refresh, renew, nourish and transform... 

I will be returning to Tuscany in a couple of weeks. 

Namaste

X

Sent from my iPad

All clear..but there was another reason to go to hospital! Such synchronicities! :)

Well today I was given the 'all clear' ...the hospital scans didnt show up any blood clots so I can now stop injecting myself with blood thinners :)  Fatigue has subsided today to  - so I have just made an Apple Pie with fresh apples from the orchards!  :)

BUT...there was a reason I was in hospital today.. The nurse was taking down my medical history and when I mentioned the RP, she put her pen down and looked at me. 

I had a shiver go through me and a download of energy and asked her what was wrong.   She was having cartliage issues herself and was having trouble getting a diagnosis...ah I said...thats why I am here then!  But the 'coincidence' didnt stop there... she asked me who my consultant was in london...as I said Dr D Cruz..she laughed and said she had just heard about him from her dental nurse.  I had another download of energy and said..right this is why I am here today!   It was my turn to laugh... this dental nurse you go to  is she in Evesham by any chance?   Yes she said...my god..its you...   Yes!  I laughed! ...I had told the dental nurse about Dr D Cruz a whilst back as her mother was having similar symptoms..  As it turned out, the nurses had had a conversation about 'me' last week...and the mother was now getting sorted out and the recommendation of Dr Cruz was passed on!     Thats how it works!

We were both pretty shocked but then again I wasnt...it was all perfect.  Interestingly, she had once lived i the same village as I do now..it does make me wonder if there is something environmental causing this increase in auto-immune issues!  I shared some hints, and discussed the fatigue that comes with auto immune stuff etc and she shared her progress thus far with the local rheumys...and she also felt that there would be no blood clots in my system but that we had to go through the motions.  

We hugged each other warmly as I left and she thanked me for having passed on the info.     This again is another confirmation that life does work out...flow as its meant to...regardless of how it seems at times. On Saturday I was so tired and was feeling pretty 'alone' with it all...I had also heard that day that my sister had got blood clots in her lungs and was having blood thinners.  But I knew at the same time, I was okay...it was body mind stuff and I am so much more than that.   It was empowering to me to be able to self inject so easily and there was a knowing that whatever symptoms I was showing of clots was really just my cells transforming..

Grateful thanks to the NHS yet again!

Namaste
X

Retreating......more diagnosis!

Just come back from a five day retreat in Devon...wonderful space re-connecting with The Form, soaking up the energy and yummy food!  My body behaved itself in the main, the weather was good and everyone was so friendly and welcoming.

Milo had a good time with his dog sitters - even managed to find a new doggy girl-friend called Molly.  Apparently they were so sweet together!

With all my bags in the lounge ready to unpack and put away, I listen to my messages  and my GP had been trying to get hold of me regarding a letter.   I open the post and there is a new letter from my London consultant - not great news!  along with the diagnosis of RP, it seems I tested positive for Lupus and Coombs, have very high blood pressure and he suspects I may also have antiphospholipid syndrome and scleritis in my eyes.  Ugh!

Luckily, I wasnt able to get straight onto the internet but I was in a tizz for a few hours..  I felt so fed up, tired from travelling and couldnt face putting all the stuff in my lounge away or eat.  I didnt know what to do really - I really wanted to cry - but couldnt or wouldnt as I didnt want my throat to get irritated and my eyes get sore.   Deep breathing, a few Form movements - didnt want to upset my parents who are the closest in distance to me - just wanted to hear what my GP had to say.    He eventually 'phoned me back to discuss various appointments for tests and to tell me not to research any of these new things!  He knows me well!

Too late though - wont do too much more until I see the specialist again but from I have read, these things could explain some of the mysterious illnesses. symptoms and miscarriages I have had over the years.  That is a positive thing - I no longer feel I am going mad.  At least now with 'labels', I feel I am believed more and I can now 'let go'...  that feeling of taking a deep breath and dropping the tension in relief.

Back to the retreat - whilst before I was still feeling I had let myself down in someway, failed in having to have conventional treatment to feel better, over the space of the last few days and really listening to what a couple of people had to say, I am not beating myself up so much.

These things happen to us as human beings as part of the experience... for whatever reason - maybe some higher purpose.  Accepting conventional therapy maybe part of that experience too - and maybe I need to see that ALL things are part of God/the creator/I/the one....  including pharmaceutical drugs - all part of the same.    I know of spiritual teachers, enlightened teachers that have also had illness, taken drugs to help them...it is not a failure, just part of the experience.

So.... Namaste to life!

Diagnosis at last! Mixed feelings and Big Ben!

Following a visit to a specialist in London today, I finally got a diagnosis of RP (Relapsing Polychondritis)!   After a journey of nearly 7 years and numerous tests, consultants and alternative therapists scratching their heads, my GP suspecting RP for 2 years and my push to see the 'God of RP' recently, it seems that there is no doubt.    I show all the classic signs and a blood test carried out a while ago, (the result not investigated further by local consultants) it is the only explanation.

There was a sort of disbelief at first - and I asked him to repeat what he thought.  For the first time, a man in a white coat was prepared to state what he thought and was telling me that it was necessary to treat now before it got any worse and possibly too late.   Relief!  Finally, someone had listened to how debilitating my symptoms are sometimes and someone that saw that it really couldn't be left any longer.

I didnt have many questions then, I'd researched enough to know that this was a rare and progressive auto-immune disorder.   This man had the most patients in the country under his supervision (35) and I have already connected with support groups on the net.  Whilst not particularly the result I 'wanted', I could have got worse diagnosis.  I listened to the ordering of scans, biops and blood tests and booked another appointment for 6 weeks time.  My local GP and Consultant will be sent instructions as to the plan of action.

After shaking his hand, I walked to another building to have the basketful of tubes of blood to be taken and left the hospital.

Walking across the bridge, noticing that one of the London Eye cages was missing and then to the Houses of Parliament.  I don't think I'd ever stood in front of them before...it was coming up to 12 noon and I realised that Big Ben was about to boom!   Suddenly I got into tourist mode, rang my mum and made her listen to the familiar sound before telling her my news.    We didn't talk for long, the energy of London, the cars, the people and the noise was getting too much.

The questions began to arise on the journey on the Tube, to the car, back home - I have time to write these down and ask for clarification.  I was so grateful for my love to have taken me into the City, to have sat by me, taking in what was being said to me, commenting on how he saw things.    We were both so exhausted.

Right now, its 3am.  I woke and inevitably have started to think about what is happening.  As my love slept deeply, I began to cry - those tears were so so hot, they burnt!  I didn't wish to wake him or his two children asleep in the house so I have brought myself into the spare room to have tea, biscuits and to write this!

Whilst it is a relief to have a diagnosis and someone that is going to plan a course of treatment - there is mixed feelings in that.  I know there is no cure - the drugs given are likely to just stall the progression and hopefully improve my day to day living.  I already have another rare disorder - Protein S Deficiency which I have lived with for many years.  That disease enabled me to move into a more conscious way of living and transformed my life.  Maybe this is my next 'transformation'.

My tears are for the 'unfairness' I feel, the fear of what is to come, what they still might find from the tests, fear of how this will effect my loved ones, my friends and the sick feeling that I might not be able to do or have the things I yearn for in life.  I just looked up at the ceiling and let out my 'lissy sigh' at myself!  Shaking my head now because I know that I can get through this and see the whole thing as 'experience', a way for me to more conscious of the present, more appreciative of the moment - I've been doing that since my blood clot.   On some level I have chosen this experience, for some reason my body, my immune system has decided to go into this pattern - so I flow with what is -  as best as I can.

I had typed "my hope that maybe my immune system might reverse this pattern its has chosen'..and my laptop crashed and deleted that paragraph.   Ok...  I wont choose the word 'hope' - that is not being the present!  :)

So, whilst my blog has been more and more writing about my day to day life with health issues - I feel that this blog will inevitably change into writing about my experience with an auto-immune problem, a hidden illness and how that gives me the opportunity to experience yet another aspect of the human experience, and deepen in my awakening.  I had just started to wonder if I might start a new blog specifically for  that but then I dont really see that having a label of 'RP' is a separate part of who I am - its all part of the same Journey of Awakening Woman!

Watch this space!

Namaste

X

Full Moon looming.. solar flares...insights and insights...

Full Moon nearly here and energies are moving around.. Apparently there have been some major solar flares happening which are being directed towards Earth! We may see some wonderful light displays in the sky but I feel that many of us are sensitive enough to have felt them anyway.. way beyond the moment they may hit our 'atmosphere'.

This week, I've been on a quest to discover where I need to go with this breathing issue of mine. followed all sorts of paths, including the conventional way.. my GP is now referring me to Rheumatology as it is fairly obvious this is an auto immune not a lung problem.

As you know, I beleive that I can reverse the way my immune system is working..that there is a trigger, a key that I am missing. It was suggested that there may be some sort of spiritual attachment, some cellular memory from an event/emotion/thought that occured around the time my breathing problems started. Whilst i have already looked at what was occuring in my life at the time, I feel that now I need to look deeper, maybe with some assistance.. even look to the period just before.. This feels right. This would put me back into the Community I once lived in, back with my beloved at the time, my teacher..my lover, my spiritual family and home.

I sigh..deep breath... hey.. deep breath!

X

Diagnosis (ish), Magical moments, feeling my old 'master'

A few days again since I last wrote...  my doctors have finally said that they feel that I probably do  have relapsing polychondritis..which is an auoimmune problem, where I am attacking my own cartlidge.  Not a nice condition, its progressive for which there is no 'treatment'.  However, I know that on some level i created this condition so I truly believe that I can reverse it.. A life of relieving drugs and drugs to combat the side effects of those drugs I am sure is not the answer.  Whilst i await the various scans to access the progress of the disease, I will go in and love it through, release whatever issue, trauma or emotion I have taken internally.    Being more stricter on my vegan diet, having an 'alternative' body scan next week and just know that the right practitioner, path will show itself.. at the right time.

Yesterday, after being with the Doctor's, I met a 'new' friend at a country pub (yes ok a date!),  it was a stunning day so we sat outside, clear blue sky, hot sun showing the autumn colours in the trees.  The river was swollen from all the recent rain and above us for most of our lunch, was a group of buzzards, circling around, crying to each other..  stunning next to the clear blue sky.  Magical, Magical...  really showed me how blessed I am to be alive...  (the date?  well nothing romantic there but a great new friend that lives locally!)

I re-arranged the furniture in my cottage today.. like I wanted to 'start afresh' you know..  and cleared out the boxes that I had been hiding behind the sofa.  These were my last 'master's books...some of them very personal to him which he has left here as he lives abroad now.  As I took them out, and looked at them before putting them onto the bookshelves, each one brought to my mind a picture of him, our time together,..how blessed I am to have had that..how honoured I am to look after his books.. I plan to read many of them over the coming winter months.