Diagnosis (ish), Magical moments, feeling my old 'master'

A few days again since I last wrote...  my doctors have finally said that they feel that I probably do  have relapsing polychondritis..which is an auoimmune problem, where I am attacking my own cartlidge.  Not a nice condition, its progressive for which there is no 'treatment'.  However, I know that on some level i created this condition so I truly believe that I can reverse it.. A life of relieving drugs and drugs to combat the side effects of those drugs I am sure is not the answer.  Whilst i await the various scans to access the progress of the disease, I will go in and love it through, release whatever issue, trauma or emotion I have taken internally.    Being more stricter on my vegan diet, having an 'alternative' body scan next week and just know that the right practitioner, path will show itself.. at the right time.

Yesterday, after being with the Doctor's, I met a 'new' friend at a country pub (yes ok a date!),  it was a stunning day so we sat outside, clear blue sky, hot sun showing the autumn colours in the trees.  The river was swollen from all the recent rain and above us for most of our lunch, was a group of buzzards, circling around, crying to each other..  stunning next to the clear blue sky.  Magical, Magical...  really showed me how blessed I am to be alive...  (the date?  well nothing romantic there but a great new friend that lives locally!)

I re-arranged the furniture in my cottage today.. like I wanted to 'start afresh' you know..  and cleared out the boxes that I had been hiding behind the sofa.  These were my last 'master's books...some of them very personal to him which he has left here as he lives abroad now.  As I took them out, and looked at them before putting them onto the bookshelves, each one brought to my mind a picture of him, our time together,..how blessed I am to have had that..how honoured I am to look after his books.. I plan to read many of them over the coming winter months.

More Letting Go... to the inner master..

Not sure whether this entry will get posted..we will see.  Yesterday, I spent the day at satsang with my 'once' master/teacher/lover,,,beautiful day of wonderful truth, reconnections with some 'old' faces and making connections with new ones too.

I love him and love the truth that he speaks, I honour him and am so grateful to have shared this amazing journey with him..  I have grown, and deepened also and whilst we could easily have made love, there was a knowing that that was not necessary, that I didnt see or feel the depth of presence, and that his physical body was so tired and weak.     Sharing in that way would not serve me or him at this time...I hesitated as my old pattern is one of 'holding on', doubting my knowing..and of course, I would have loved the physical touch from man and I at first said yes...but then reluctantly acknowledged to myself that that was what it was, and that it wouldnt be responding to what I know to be real.  


So, in true 'lisa' style when he left, I paced and watched as the voices argued with each other in my head..until I laughed out loud.  On the one hand, I knew that I had come into my own power more and had responded to my knowing of what will serve.., and another was..oh my god, what have you let go of, why wouldnt you, have you made a mistake bla bla bla.....

I sat in front of the Goddess Altar, the same Goddess that we had made love in front of many years ago...  I closed my eyes and sank into the blackness..the voices disappearing and acknowledging the inner master..  letting go of an external expression of the master, teacher, guru..

So I wake up today and there are no regrets, just a thankfulness that I/we responded to what was real in the moment..  I feel more that I have come into my own power, my inner master...and we will have served not only my true self, my body, his body, but the whole..  wonderful, wonderful, wonderful! 

I will still practice The Form, may even go to retreats, satsang... it is now time to serve the whole, be true to my purpose of being here at this time.

This entry has been posted public..I sat with it...  nothing is personal..  the whole purpose of writing this blog is to share the journey...if I left out some of the more intimate aspects, then that wouldnt be real or honest..  at the same time though, I am conscious of where I speak of another..  I will only share what is within me..not my projection of another.

A little footnote here... the english language is limited...for words are clumsy and inadequate...  there are no words to describe source, consciousness, truth....  so go beyond particular words..into the energy behind the words.....