New connections, Exploring...blackouts!

Not written for a while..been exploring a new connection with a beautiful, opening, young man that I met a short while ago...he has stayed a few days and its been wonderful to be 'seen', nourished and honoured by the masculine principle.  It is something that I needed at this time to remind me that man can see and love the goddess and adore pure femininity..  I have flowered!    Whilst neither of us can see potential for a 'relationship' in a romantic sense...we acknowledge that there is something that connects us in whatever way that unfolds..  

This morning I passed out at the hospital..I was just having a regular check up..and whilst the nurse was talking to me, I realised that I was starting to leave the body...  I started to heat up, voices echoing around..and sinking fast... but I fought it and asked for a biscuit or something to bring me back..  they didnt get chance..  the blackness came up on me suddenly and I just disappeared..

Its been many years since I have fainted (probably before I had my near death)..I have had some close calls. but this is the first time, I went all the way..since I experienced oneness, the absolute...  and you know.. it was a powerful experience.  Similar to going into the blackness through meditation say, but it enveloped me quicker..and I was not 'conscious' of entering the blackness.. 

Anyway... as I 'came back'... the jouney came back first through hearing voices again, and then faces peering at me and I seemed to be fighting something to get to the faces....it took me ages to make it through that tunnel and very painful!   Then I cried..realising I had disappeared but had come back!

A crash team had been called as I had stopped breathing for longer than the average faint.... I realised yet again, I had stopped breathing..  ironically all happened in the chest clinic, where they are looking at what is causing my breathing issues!   I go to tick the boxes and you never know they just might find something physical...but in truth I know..its down to me and my choosing on some level.

These wonderful bodies...my wonderful body.. that has been touched so beautifully, felt such wondrous beauty..with the power for health or creation of dis-ease...  AARRGGHHH!!!  Why do I keep wanting escape! 

Malvern Hills...

I took Milo somewhere different for his walk today, we drove to the Malverns and walked over two of the peaks for several hours. It was wonderful, freeing..meeting lots of other people with their dogs, sitting watching the views and playing stick with Milo.

I didnt feel alone or in pain..just free. Had a bit of a realisation though and reminder of the meditation/journey I did the other day, where I met me as a young woman in the cave..trying to hide with her white dress on. Several times, some guys who were running past us, and whilst I controlled Milo, the lead guy would say thanks and nod.. on the second time, he said we meet again..and you know I couldnt look up, I just nodded and concentrated on Milo! Ugh!

So after giving myself a good talking to internally, the next time they passed, he said again, you see, we meet again! This time, I literally forced my head up and replied back to him..but this time, knew I hadnt smiled! So again, gave myslef another talking to and on the third occasion, tried to do the whole lot - I did for a second maybe! Now, this guy was only being friendly, nothing in it but it showed me .. God, I feel like a little girl.. that little girl that is trying desperately to fit in, blend in, not be noticed and yet she yearns to be met in the divine so deeply! She has to trust.. and be open...

Anyway, as I write that little story, it made me smile! hey.. it almost feels like I am a teenager again.. nowt wrong with that. I just need to practice!!!!

X