Soooo long! Stone circles, revisiting the past...again!!

Oh...its been a long long while..  So much has happened, changed, ..so quickly, I haven't been able to keep up with things to write them on here.  Its been hard enough to keep on top of it all day to day...maybe you all have been experiencing stuff so much, you are spinning!

It seems to have been a time for me to revisit much of my past, in terms of health and relationships.  I have had a few gatherings at my place which have been in themselves, mini retreats and I have also visited inside Stonehenge again and beloved Avebury too.

Some pics from Stonehenge at Starlight are attached - a stunning night, lying in amongst the stones in our small group and watching one of my sisters in her delight of experiencing it all for the first time.

My father has been unwell for a couple of months..its been hard to watch his deterioration and vulnerability but humbling to be able to help him, support him and mum.  That has brought up stuff about losing them physically and also how it will be on my own without them being around as there is no other family.  He's a little better right now, so hopefully over the worse.

A visit to Avebury to be with some friends in amongst the stones for a birthday turned out to be a serendipitous (fave word!)  day.   Randomly meeting an ex as I was leaving and then spontaneously sharing a few lovely hours talking and enquiring about life.  It was amazing to hear him speak of his realisations and how he yearns to fulfill his life's purpose or destiny.  Beautiful to watch him go with a renewed connection to that that had opened in him and his determination to follow his heart and take that leap!  On with his journey whatever he decides. 

I've had a couple of episodes of hemorrhaging badly..have got into what could have been the most embarrassing situations.  But to me, it was life...there was nothing I could do but surrender.    No surprise that I have since become anemic again...so find myself building myself up with iron tablets again and looking for ways to stem my bleeding, given I am also on blood thinners!  

It felt like I was literally being drained of my life force, of life..a real clearing out of the past in my womb.  Maybe connected to my visit to the sacred circles?   This is a repeat of what happened a year or two after I first awakened.  This time it is also bringing up stuff around my miscarriages, my femininity, my fertility and purpose as a woman on a human, physical level.

Having been resting up and hibernating a little, I have been able to finalise my book.  Reading through and writing the final chapter, allowing me to delve so much deeper, uncovering things that I thought had been cleared.

It has now been sent off to the Publishers and things have since gone a bit quiet!

I have been going through a bit of stuff about whether I actually want my story out there.  I got a lot of flack for starting a blog and writing as I do, what will my book do?  People that haven't gone through a similar journey can be quite judgmental and what I write can push peoples buttons, push their conditioning and boundaries.   Am I ready for that challenge?    Hey, that is my life you might say, I have that in any case...but this feels more 'out there'.    I have been having my doubts that I can actually do this.  Once it is on the net as an ebook, its there forever.  It feels like whatever I may want to do in the future, it might come back to bite me?  But then I reason, well I don't hide my past in any case from anyone?  I am who I am!   hmmmmm....

In any case, the publisher guy has gone quiet!!  Yes, my story is revealing, revealing about me and my life..but it also (hopefully) allows the reader to see something else, a deeper meaning, to feel some truth in how they live their own life or how they could live their life fully, in truth.  We will see how it all transpires.  I had hoped to have it all done by the time I visit Ireland in a couple of weeks but we will see.

I am going on a short retreat, staying with an Irish sister, hopefully visiting some stone circles and today I heard Amma is going to be over there at the same time as well.  Maybe a visit to see her as I haven't seen her for many years.    I cant wait to feel the land, breathe the Irish air and spend some time away from here.

Namaste.

X

Surrendering and Releasing,,,

There seems so much to write today.. I went to help a friend on Saturday..a dear sister who is going through so much of her own heartache and life turmoil... and then intended to go to a music night but things didnt turn out that way!  Her car broke down and we spent much of the evening with a 'very nice' AA Man - (i have learned so much about power steering fluid)...and then spent an evening sharing with sisters until the early hours....

The story I heard from one of  them touched a memory in me that I thought I had 'dealt' with.. that of being with a 'controlling' and possibly violent man and the hold that takes over you as a women in that situation...  we are powerful women and yet still succumb..it was a valuable learning for me..

This morning, I travelled through the lanes towards beloved Avebury..and yet another blast from my past.. my old campervan I spotted on a field....suddenly found myslef wanting to take 'ownership' of the van..she looked so beautiful and cared for... I htought I had surrendered it long ago...instead I recovered my picture of Amma from inside and went on my way to the stones...

Then life showed me one of those special gifts... it all happened so quickly but in slow motion...  I was driving along and a car was coming the other way on a country lane..when out of the side, a deer was running across the road in front of us....  so graceful and magical...  both us drivers stopped, we looked into each others eyes for a brief moment, seemingly to acknowledge this connection.. and then when the deer had disappeared, we both put our foot back on our pedal..and moved on.  What a Gift...meeting love, recognising it, acknowledging it and then letting it go...all playing out in front of my eyes.

I walked the avenue, the stones at a slow pace, taking in the magical energies and really surrendering all thoughts and feelings, letting go, shedding, ...getting lighter step by step...it was an amazing mini-journey.  I was smiling, really taking in  how beautiful life is really..how much I have to be thankful for.

Having lunch I sat with a photographer who had been taking lots of pictures of the stones..and he talked about he was going to photoshop them to bring them to life in his creative way...  he talked about his love of  his area, of England, of his wife, his life..  a brief exchange..and it was wonderful.

Visiting the stones that I have resonance with, constantly letting go of thoughts, feelings, pain but not beating my self up over them..letting go and letting go....   and then the trees with roots that seem to just be calling you in to sit amongst them.. i sat..and read some of the notes that had been left by others.  Some were saying goodbye to loved ones, others had their dreams and wishes for their future...it felt like I was taking a glimpse into another human experience...touching.

Thanking the stones, I then went to the Long Barrow and the waters at the edge.. magical place..filled with gifts left by others, ribbons and trinkets makeing their noises along with teh birds and the buzz of insects.  I took my shoes off and plunged my feet into the cold waters...so amazing...to feel the circulation in my legs come alive and travel up and up my spine.. I stayed there for ages..silently acknowledging where I was at..and having such clarity that things are just as they should be.

I left my own messages, invisible, non-physical ones and then travelled home to pick up Milo.....  There is more but I need to eat and nourish myself....maybe speak more later.