Dark Clear Black Skies to Bright Clear Blue Skies!

I'm sitting here at my desk, next to the open door, sunshine pouring in...birds a singing! Its the first time this year I've been able to have the door open whilst sat here. bliss!

Yesterday, I was in a funny space... had had a brilliant day working at a client's offices...and came back to my cottage and Milo feeling particularly lonely..I just wanted to share with another human being! So, I made a meal for one, sat listening to music, feeling ..well... is this it!

Someone on FB chat sent me words to describe what they saw in me:

"I see a strong woman who knows herself, celabrates being who she is, fights off illness and is obviously bright and interesting, she has theough circumstances ened up on her own (with Milo)..but there she is calm and it seems serene maybe, living in the countryside, working, meditating, searching and embracing all that surrounds her. She is in control of her world and can do just as she pleases..she obviously is a good person and attracts likewise people around her..."

I am blessed...I do know that.. but do still yearn for the embodiment of love in human form. That love is inside me, in all things... no need to search..

Last night, I sat outside, under the clear skies...so many bright stars above...it was wonderful. I listened to the sounds of the sheep and their lambs, an owl and the fish plopping in the lake.. yes I am lucky to be where I am, who I am at this point in my evolution!

Bleeding in the night..at last it has come. Releasing and cleansing...surrendering it to the earth. Today was clear blue skies, glorious sunshine and a freshness in the air..so I take Milo into the sacred woods..first time in ages.. I struggled up the hill a bit.. but it was so worth it. Met my guardian trees - reconnected..lay against the Mother tree, allowing her to embrace me.. and then lay on the fallen half trunk.. listening to the buzzard, woodpecker and little birds and sinking into the blue sky! Amazing..feeling so glad to be alive!

Namaste.

X

Yay! Breath still 'quiet' and I feel amazing!

Wow!  My body just feels so amazing right now.. I hadnt realised how weak/low it had got!  I'm still getting out of breath when going up stairs/up hills. but its significantly better..and hardly any coughing or husky voice!  Unsure whats made the difference, stricter diet with the added avoidance of tomatoes and onions or the herbs that I've now been taking for two weeks!  Whatever..I love how my body feels...so much so, that its a shame I have no one to share it with right now!

Just been on another walk with the dogs through the countryside.. amazing clear day, with sunshine and blue skies..the autumn colours so striking - it feels like I am in Spain or somewhere.   3 buzzards circled the woods and kept swooping into the valley below..I felt like I wanted to soar with them!   Hugged my sacred trees, sending love and light to my beloved.   I am so thankful to be alive!  My heart is open and singing loud....

Sacred Wood Pics...following heavy rains!

Sacred Woods...Cosmic Waves

A friend has been with me for a few days and we have been in the woods by my cottage for some hours.. exploring and connecting with mother..  I attach some more pics of new trees found.. one of which my friend named the 'bliss' tree... its the one where two trees are joined at the trunk as if in divine union, lovemaking...

today, I awoke feeling very toxic and went for a walk with the dogs into the woods..  I shared the Ilahinoor with my friend which seemed to integrate some of the cosmic waves being experienced at this time..my headache lessened and my eyes felt like they had been cleaned!

When I did the movements around my friend, she lay against the trunk of a tree.. and I saw how she merged with the tree trunk..allowing the energies from cosmos to come down through her body into the earth.. amazingly powerful...and potent.

Autumn around the corner...misty woods...skipping!

What an amazingly beautiful morning here in the Teme Valley.....

The sun is watery, clear blue skies, and a mist rising from the valley's....surrounding everything in mystery...

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Just come back from walking in the wonderful woods..magical.. sunlight filtering through the trees...  lay against one of the oak trees and it was like she was holding me, nurturing me into her breasts....  I then lay my spine against another..and again, ecstatic energy flowing through.... so amazing to feel and breathe..  (yes i said breathe..)   and then I shared my blood with the moss, the bark, the forest floor....sweet.

and..you know what I did today... I skipped... skipped through the woods.. laughing...  I felt so free... and in love.. with life!  havent done that for such a long time..since I was little girl...  wonderful, awesome, magical....

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Aches, Pains, Nature and pig massage!

Not sure what to entitle this entry?  Anyway, after sitting in satsang with Bernie Prior last night, went home with the onset of a migraine/headache thing...it continued all night and this morning when I awoke, I felt like I had been hit by a bus!  The back of my neck was so painful...  a friend of mine who I spoke to later was experiencing the same thing...

So, I took the dogs into the wood, and allowed myself to be held by the trees, placing my spine and head against the bark, and closing my eyes.   Feeling the pain intensify and seemingly get worse..  So I sat and just listened to the birds and the water in the stream, noticing butterflies and ladybirds going about their business.

As I left the woods, I picked some peppermint for some tea and felt much better but tired.  Going through the orchard, one of the pigs started to follow me and nudge me gently (freaking Milo out!), until I stopped, and she lay down asking me for a massage - I obliged and she drifted off into pig dream land!  Beautiful Lady!

I've just opened my door to the sunshine, and there are loads of butterflies on the last of my buddlia.  I am so grateful for life.

I had a brief conversation with someone from the farm today...he was joking (well half joking) about his relationship wtih his wife...saying that he had had to cook his own breakfast etc...  I cant remember what I said but he looked at me..and said, there is no magic in our marriage any more....  that hit me..and I replied, well its up to you to show your wife, love her.. and he replied.. no, I have given up!    God, so sad... these comments were made in jest but there is a seriousness to them too....  they are from a different generation, where making do, just 'living' a day to day ..well just existing!   the whole thing really struck me...how different I am endevouring to live and demand....

Emerging..Sunshine at last!

Still been a strange few days energetically.  Went for a drive yesterday and it was as though someone else was driving...really floaty/spacy.. so took it easy!  Slowly though, I have come more and more back into my body.


Awoke at 3am, full of energy, aware that my body is awaiting its bleed..enabling me to come more into my body phsyically.  Loving words received via en email that I couldnt resist opening at that hour...enveloping me in warmth and 'yumminness' that enables me to go back into dream land easily..namaste!

So today, there is sunshine at last..after days and days of grey skies and rain, the sun is welcome.  I have walked with the dogs into the wood, embraced the trees and felt their heartbeats merge with mine..amazing and nourishing.   Tai chi and vocal yoga under the canopy, with droplets gently falling on me, refreshing, as if nudging me to keep present and in my body.

Have you ever stood under a canopy of trees after rainfall?  Stand there, arms outstretched to the side, and lift your head back... allow the droplets to fall down and gently touch you wherever they want to go.  Open your eyes and watch them.. its beautiful!  They can sometimes hit you in the eye and make you jump, laugh, even cry..  I imagine that they are little balls of wonder being tossed at me by elementals, fairies, angels, tree spirits etc..   wonderful.

still journeying..much to tell... but for tonight..Buzzard energy.

I was walking with a beautiful and opening  man yesterday along a river, through some fields..when we came across this bird of prey.. which I am thinking is a buzzard.  (perhaps someone can confirm?)

it stopped us in our tracks..beautiful, sacred moment..  we both gently touched the feathers, so soft... and a recent death, no sign of injury or being got at by other animals, just a few feathers scattered around..like it had fallen or something.

anyway.. I knew this was special..the wings fell around it like angel wings...that is what I was drawn to.. but my companion was drawn to its claws....powerful and strong message...   I really wanted to take its wings, but this was not practical so we said our own thanks and walked on..

I returned to collect it on my own today..it was quite a trek and I didnt really know if it was still going to be there..or what state it was going to be in.  It did seem like I/we had missed the moment..but I couldnt stop thinking about it.  It was there!  still lovely and special...  and now gruesome as it sounds, I have its wings and claws in salt drying out...  its wings spread out are magnificent...   I have never done anything like this before but I knew that I had to do it..myself..

The message of a buzzard is a symbol of death and rebirth, new vision, new beginning and purification of the mind and body.  It asks us to be patient with ourselves and be sure of how we feel before we enter the arena of our plans...  as a buzzard is patient when it tracks its prey.  It also acknowledges you are being noticed more for what you do rather than how you look, soaring above the difficulties of life.

It teaches us to use the sense of smell and discernment, and how to glide and soar with our own energy. it foretells of imminent changes.   It also teaches confidence and the ability to stand with dignity and soar with clarity and purpose. 

It is now time for me to soar above my own perceived limitations.     It is asking whether I am ready to assert actions from my ideas!

Thank you to that beautiful man for sharing in that moment...  the message of this is also for him too...     I wonder as he was drawn to the claws in particular, whether this is about 'grasping hold', taking the plunge, to dive for what he desires...as the buzzard dives for its prey...  masculine, powerful, purposeful, strength.... X

Woods and healing

walked through the sacred woods today with Milo.. Hugged the 'mother tree' and felt her healing energy, soaking up and radiating it through my body. I sank in to the depths and could see myself standing there, holding the tree.. I could move all around, above, to the side.. all the while watching me hugging the tree.

Leaning my back against the tree, I asked for healing to my throat and for waht seemed like ages, just stood with arms raised, soaking in energy from above...in the sunlight coming through the leaves.

A new bird called in teh wood.. one that I had not heard before.. kept making me jump back into my body. I sat down facing the fallen half tree..milo lay down next to me and then just disappeared... Was aware of communing with beings, have had this before on retreat, but didnt stay with the phenomina, but danced with all beings, deities, all races..all one.

For this brief time, the sun was glorious on what is mainly a dull, grey day. warming my body, especially my throat... opening it wide, allowing the energy to travel all the way down to my yoni and then that opening wide too, allowing energy to flow from above to earth.. glorious.

On the walk back, I drank from the stream as Mother had asked me too, trusting her, and picked some peppermint to make some tea..

Deepening...Sparkles abound!

Been listening to new music today..and discovering some amazing lyrics.. seemed all appropriate and for me..but it didnt bring up much pain or sadness... just thankfulness for life.

A wise woman has told me some more of the significance of the dead crow I came across the other day.. it represents dark, kali energy...nothing to fear and she pointed out that becuase it still had the spinal cord trailing, which I particularly noticed, this represented the kundalini energy... All resonates.

The fallout from writing this way has begun, I'm surprised it has taken this long..but it seems that some of those in my life just cannot stand the openness or honesty that I live by, or they project onto me all manner of labels and conditions on to me, based on their position, their fears, their status quo. It did for a few minutes get me into doubting me.. but the positive feedback I have had has helped counter that.. I dont judge anyone, love all and trust.

Today, I allowed the dogs to walk me through the woods... I explored new areas, they led over many obstacles..and we followed the brook to the top of the hill..where I could view the valley below and the Malverns in the distance... Its been a while since I sat at the top of the hill...amazing beauty surrounds me here.

A tree that has the stream coming through the roots called me..and I touched the trunk, it was so warm.. it seemed to pulse under my touch... and I lay my back against the moss to soak in the energy. I then lay down on the half of the fallen tree, which is on teh ground... above, there is a clearing in teh foliage, and I can see the sky.. but as I look through the sky.. It became brighter and brigher..with hundreds of tiny flecks of light, darting around, like specks of dust in the sunlight.

Amazing, spectacular light show.. beautiful..I kept having to close my eyes, becuase after a while, they woudl hurt.. but when I opened them again, there they would be again. Each time I closed my eyes, I felt this pulse and the shadow/light pulsed in my 'eyelids'... This was very different to my more 'cosmic' experiences..where I getplunged through the stars and planets into the blackness, nothingness, ...this was pure light...the little particles of sparkles dancing around in a very light blue hue... beautiful!

Yearnings, Longings, Pain and Trust

Not sure what to write just now...but as I type, I am sure words will come.  All day, I have been shall we say ‘stewing’....and been having a sort of longing..  to be seen and met fully..on all levels, but especially physically.   Being intimate physically is an important part of being human and at times today  I have just wanted to be held, loved and connected with...and if I am honest, I have felt angry at this not being fulfilled.  Mixed with all these feelings are the deep knowing that all is ok, that I am blessed for what I have experienced thus far and see that there is a higher or larger energy at play....which I am not yet able to see.. So I must trust, in life, love, truth, the universe, god or whatever the label is...and surrender to what is..and acceptance..and for the most part I do. The full moon coming, hormones, earth and female cycles, little me, all have an effect on all this..

The walk in the countryside during the day with the dogs was healing..feeling the earth, grass and water under my feet..and just breathing..deeply..letting go.  The following scene played out; The dogs played well together but then she would get over zealous and start to become over-bearing to Milo..and he in turn would attempt to push her away by snapping and snarling.  Now all she wanted to do was play..she was being herself.. her tail was wagging enthusiastically...but for Milo, he needed some space..a little time between play and didn’t react well to being cajoled into play...it was just too much for him.  For her..she couldn’t understand Milo’s reaction..why wouldn’t he join her in this fun, why did he not want to play..surely Milo enjoys it all just as much..etc etc  In turn, when Milo was performing his tricks, fetching and bringing sticks etc, she would get irritated with him, bark at him and attempt to distract him.  Milo didn’t hardly notice...all he was concentrating on was his stick!  At the end of the day, their energies were different, they had different ideas of what play was, and how much they were prepared to play each others idea of a game.....

In the evening, I sat with two sisters, sharing. Another heartache being experienced..in a totally different way..a disconnection through illness/body trauma...another facet of longing, yearning and grief, pain and loss...even though the physical body is still ‘present’ and sharing the same bed. Showing me again that if we share, we discover that we are not alone in the things/issues we are facing in our lives..

My eyes are not able to stay open for too much longer... Love to all my sisters and brothers facing seemingly difficult times right now... all is ok though.. we just have to stop focusing on the past and the future... live our lives fully in the present...and trust that all will become clear.

New Day!

Well.. very briefly when I first awoke...there was no memory..everything was just so..and and then I remembered..and all those yucky feelings returned once more...  So I acknowledged them, said thank you, I heard you and got up.    After reading a while, I did my tai chi and vocal yoga, acknowledging the divine feminine and giving thanks for life.   and feel much more centered today.  There is still a nagging pain, deep in my belly..but it is fine...

The dogs are playing around my desk...the sun is shining (ish!),...and ooo.. just remembered.   outside my back door there has been a 'weed' growing all spring...I left it and left it, seeing that the weed was going to produce some kind of flower head... and today, its bloomed - a beautiful purple budleigha...  its a plant that is very special to me...has followed me around a lot...    Another of lifes gifts!..

Its been a while....

Well, its been a few days since I wrote on here..  I've been bleeding, letting go and surrendering..at times in deep, deep pain but entering into the blackness that pain seems to open up to...amazing really..  I have rested, nourished myself..and wore as much red as possible!

I have met up with a man in my life; although he isnt sure he wants to be in mine or not!  My heart opens to him so and then experiences pain as this man hesitates in his giving..unsure of where he is... definately on his own journey which for now includes me, but may take a different road soon..  If I stay in the present, then all is fine..I am blessed.  

I went out with another man a few days ago..a lovely guy...but not for me..   keep coming back to the realisation that I cannot live an ordinary, comfortable, 9-5, robotic existence...like my parents and so many on this earth.  There is a small part of me that just want that seeming 'normality' but I would die...without the growth in partnership, passion and conscious deepening.

Today, I am travelling south to a festival..joining friends and intend to relax, enjoy, dance and laugh!

So... festival time....here I come....  X

Pics of the sacred wood I visit....

Some pictures taken of the sacred wood I visit:

mmmmmmm!

Today, feeling 'not really here'.... head is swimmy, if I close my eyes, I swirl and swirl.....falling deeper...  body is still coming to its bleed..stopping and starting...  endeavouring to let go!

Writing this is somehow, keeping me more present..

Went for a short walk into the woods with Milo...whilst I rested I watched him take great delight in playing with a stick he found by the split tree. He was chewing it, tossing it around, pawing it so it moves..and prancing around with his tail high! Made me smile... and then.. he would catch me watching him. He would get self-conscious and stop and look all nervous!

Surely thats not a natural state for a dog? self-consciousness is something us humans have learned. It felt a shame...am animal, meant to be so free and untethered, having learned a human characteristic.. or maybe I was just seeing something that wasnt there.

Anyway...when I turned away, he would remember his stick and start up his game again.

A gentle walk back..in the sunshine, picking fresh cherries and raspberries for breakfast....mmmmm!