More healing....

Another Long absence from blogging.... Have been healing nicely hopefully..building up my stamina and fitness slowly.

Still lots of stuff surrounding motherhood occurring. A little while ago an ex client of mine asked me if I would do some reflexology on her, to induce her labour. She was a little overdue and I had helped her in this way before. I was hesitant due to my fitness and energy levels but synchronicities kept happening between us as so I agrees to do it as a friend. I was intrigued as to whether I would be able to intuit the energy...And it was amazing.. I found that I could communicate directly with the baby, feel its spine and head..gently encouraging it to ease into the world. Beautiful experience.

 And then I met an ex partner of mine and his girlfriend at the chalet we both still share. We initially bought the chalet after travelling in Europe and I fell pregnant and needed a base in the uk. It was all we could afford to live in and it was to be our family base. Sadly, I lost that baby, together with a handful of other souls whilst living there. To see him and his partner at the chalet, bringing in new energy into the space was bittersweet. Of course, it is wonderful, she is a beautiful, blossoming mother and when I hugged her and her bump, there was nothing but love and sisterhood between us..but then as we all sat looking at the river, talking...I couldn't help but notice a stirring within, of sadness and loss. It wasn’t until later that day, when I sent him an email, the emotions and grief surfaced and released. In my sharing of this in my email...whilst the sensitivity of it could Have been a source of separation, it has actually become a source of connection. Remarkable...and humbling.

 In amongst the last couple of weeks, there has been little cocooning... I have been away, visiting friends, trying Out new things, new connections :), exploring ideas on healing, attending events and having friends stay with me. Seems very busy and It has been. Seems that life didn't want me to hibernate in my cocoon after all..even ejected me one night with flickering a light on and off whilst I was trying to sleep in there!  Spooky Friday 13th Phenomena.

I have been inspired by watching the healing matrix movie, about quantum physics..the 'new' science that says that all disease and illness is caused by distortion in our energy field...and with intention, this can be transformed. Many doctors and scientists speaking of their particular modality...much impressive research. I do feel like I am On some sort of hamster wheel though... Haven’t I done that, been there? Got frustrated..and of course, that very Frustration is a negative emotion that can cause distortion! Aarrrrgghhh!

More surrender and acceptance....

In any case, I am researching each of the modalities’ it talks about, have written to the doctors and scientists Based in the uk.. Will see if any particular one draws me... I just know there is a key there somewhere..

Will feed back on this soon..

Namaste X

Spring..Stages of Life!

Wow... what beautiful Spring weather.. I'm not one for the heat of the sun.. but this early spring has been amazing.. have been enjoying recuperating at my retreat and cottage, and enjoying the company of a girl friend and going to a concert/sound healing.

This week there have been many discussions about purpose of life, inspirations, positive attitudes and optimistic outlooks..

One in particular was with my doctor yesterday... he hadnt seen me for a while and was interested in the surgery etc and asked how I was coping  with such a 'rare illness'...he made the sympathetic sounds and showed concern...  saying it must be really hard to face all this, especially without a partner..who was I talking about stuff with etc...   Phew!  I sat there..and thought it was quite funny really... I had been really positive and optimistic about things but appreciated his interest and care.  I told him how I saw things, that I had many friends and family that love and support me and about the RP forum, where the relatively few of us with this, can share information and support each other.    I acknowledged that I sometimes did dip but generally I thought that there were much worse things to have in terms of illness...such as paralysis, a stroke, cancer etc.  He seemed generally pleased that I was so positive.

All good....and then today!

I went again to the doctors to have a routine blood test..laughing at myself for stupidly wearing white today!  All was fine and then this really old lady slowly came in the waiting room....she was so fragile and weak...with two helpers with her.  And yet, she had such determination to get to the seat she chose...amazing inner determination.  I ear-wigged on her conversation and felt such love for this wise, old woman.  She was talking about her new accommodation.. her window outlook etc...

Then came in several pregnant ladies... all at various stages.  There must have been a clinic on... each one smiling, happy..if a little flustered in the heat.  One brought in a baby in her carry cot...every one oohed and arrred over the cradle.    Then a 'busy' mum came in with 4 little girls...all absolutely beautiful from between 3 and 6...  All had long wavy, blondish hair and various dresses, caps and little shoes.  One was called Holly, another Meadow!  What a wonderful name!  Delightful to watch them all playing...wanting the loo, but playing amongst themselves.  They were exactly how I pictured my little girl(s) would look like.,,when i was younger. 

I sat there and saw the various stages of life in front of me...and somewhere out of the depth, I burst into tears! I had no warning...but the tears flowed!  I gulped them down as best as I could..luckily some music was playing and i was at the back but still..it was noticed.  i tried to read posters on the wall, leaflets on the rack..Lots of thoughts came and went...right from wondering if I would reach old age, if so, who would escort me to the doctors, where would I live....then looking at the pregnant ladies..seemingly i would never experience how it is to be fully pregnant in this lifetime...not experience child birth.    Tears kept on coming!

Luckily the nurse called me very soon...I just about made it to her room when the next flow came...I just stood with my head in hands and sobbed..with her calling me sweetheart, touching my arm...showing such concern.   I reassured her I was ok about the blood test...and shared what had over-whelmed me.  Phew!

The nurse not knowing me that well, said about not too late, adoption etc etc... and I had to tell her about my medications which would prevent me trying, my miscarriages in the past, and that realistically was I even fit enough!   I also acknowledged that I am blessed that I have cared for children in my life time and that I have been able to experience so many things because I didnt have children..like travel the world etc.

As quickly as it arose...once i had spoken it to the nurse..it all subsided!  Amazing emotion running through though for those few minutes... another clearing and I am sure some more still to do on that subject.  

The needle hurt today...I must have been ultra sensitive too!

Big sigh...but all good...

Namaste
X

Gentleness.

Another brief entry..just been reading a beautiful sisters blog : The Journey of A Singing Woman who has just led a womens retreat in Holland.

She talks of a mother who had miscarried a child..she had closed her body, heart, voice and through the retreat opened up once more...   This touched me deeply, soft tears for the three babies I  have also lost...gentle greiving and a heart to heart recognition of another's grief..  Thank you my sisters..


A Journey of The Singing Woman