Vulnerability..surrender....

A while since I last wrote...largely due to just about keeping it together..   My breathing now is very bad..and was awaiting news of whether I could have a ct scan to check out my throat...but the answer was no..a bronchoscopy was the only way.   all my instincts and other people with RP (relapsing polychondritis) are saying dont go there as the test can make things worse..and a ct scan is just as good..  So  a visit to my own GP again who agrees with me and now I await to see what is the next step.. so frustrating.

On the one hand, this is just my body..the vehicle and in truth, 'should' not identify with the weaknesses, aches and pains etc.. but when it comes down to your actual breath...this is so hard to do.  As we need to breathe every second..its not something, I can forget about really..it has an impact of every aspect of my life!

Of course, full moon, equinox, solar flares, my coming bleed all playing their part in this...all good really..but feels like I couldnt really cope with much more..feel very vulnerable.  would love a cuddle!

I have some employment law bits to work on though for next week...so work hanging in there..just!  Theres even potential of an office on the ground floor..or work from home with a new project... so yippee!  Tomorrow I will try to get Milo out (hes been restless bless him being on so many shorter walks)...in to the woods... healing woods...

Last night the sky was amazing.. it was really calm here...beautiful skies.. but everything was eeerily quiet, the birds suddenly stopped their singing..and in the distance, you could see flashes of lightning.. but no sound or any rain..weird.   Its been on the local news today, as so many people thought the same.

So..short and sweet tonight...  going to get some nourishing food and bunker down....

Love..

Autumn moves in....saying goodbye to summer..

Not been sleeping well the last few nights..combination of breathing issues, and general energy stuff going on.. but been watching the half moon gently cross the sky.

There is a definate change in temperature now, the winds are cold, no hint of hot weather returning so I guess its almost time to pack away those summer tops and dresses..  this is what I plan to do this weekend, together with my tax return!  oh the joys of single life!  I smile!      Saying goodbye to the summer...its certainly been a hell of a ride once again..

the leaves are still green, the fruit on the tress still ripe for eating but now turning mouldy and shrivelled from all the rain..  mushrooms abound though.. I am loving the fact I can go off into the woods and discover some fresh ones for tea each day... 

This morning, went for some blood tests..my arm is aching now but at least I didnt faint!  my GP had been sent a note re my collapse/crash team incident in hospital a few weeks ago.. so I wasnt allowed to leave their care today, for a good half hour.. to assure them I wouldnt repeat things on them.  funny.. this time, I took my own ginger biscuits with me in case of emergency!

A client came for a treatment who suffers from MSA, which is similar to Parkinsons..  she wont be regular, she is just a visitor on the farm..  but she was so 'into' her disease and how it effects her daily life... the only respite she says she received was when she was asleep..  she was probably 'off-loading' to the 'therapist' here but it was shocking how low she was in energy....  I see that the mental attitude is so important to overcome such conditions...  I must remember that when I start to get down about my breathing stuff..

you know its so quiet here...  all i can here is the tap of the keyboard...and the whirl of the laptop

I have some 'work' to do, some employment law stuff but finding it hard to get the motivation...should try to do some before my next massage client..