Re-cog-nition.... retreat bliss.

I have just taken a small retreat with the teacher I once lived with..to be physically in his presence again, meeting his eyes, being into god..the one god...I cannot put into words...true communion.

There was such a depth of trust, honesty, mutual respect, communion..full re cog nition..knowing that this place was home.

I felt so joyful inside, my heart sang..with ecstacy, just sharing the energy and soaking up the transmission into the depths of my being, my body..on all levels of consciousness.  No need for words between us...being knew.

During the retreat I was in a state of bliss, and there was no need to move around the group..no need for conversation, social interaction..I just observed the one consciousness in its many forms...circulating and flowing, its many colours and depths...  beautiful.

I delayed taking my medications so that I could be more 'awake' during satsang...but when I did, underneath the usual dullness of every cell in my body, the veil that seems to shroud my body after the pills...underneath that..was the humming of oneness..and bliss state.  So magical.

There were two insights that took place..the first one being that how others can perceive or project something onto others..based on their own position.  I seemed to have been seen by one person that I was very sad and unhappy...I presume this was because I had kept myself to myself, sitting quietly most of the time in bliss...and somehow, this had caused some energy to arise in them.  On hearing this, I was a little taken aback..for that was so far removed from what I was actually experiencing within.   I wondered if what they had seen was the veil of medication overtaking my physical body...or in fact a projection based on how they were feeling and their own expectations of how someone should be... it doesnt really matter either way.. what took place..it took place for a purpose..perfection.


The other was following something that was said in satsang...  I saw that I had become 'jaded' with man..a little tired of the masculine not being able to stay on the path of love..when the structures start to collapse, when life has to become more real..more conscious...past coming up to transform..in love.  Without seeing it, I had a little tiny lock, on a corner of my heart...checking out whether the 'next man' would be any different...  UGH!    That has to open..has to go.... it is my purpose to love unconditionally..fully open hearted...nothing in this life is for ME...its for god..for evolution..for being, for source.

I returned to my daily life with more honesty and courage to open up fully again, fully naked once more, to allow the masculine to truly see me..without reserving any bit of me..  conscious relationship...if a man and a woman can commit to that path...regardless of the outcome...then life will unfold it beautifully..  humanity needs this...the earth would love it!

Namaste

X

p.s. yesterday whilst sat in this wonderful sunshine with a beautiful man...heartwarming to see and feel the masculine moving and loving in life in a more conscious and real way...a grasshopper jumped onto my chest.    I looked that up....here's what it said..  :)

Grasshopper Symbology -- The grasshopper is associated with astral travel. They have the ability to leap through time and into space where the true mysteries of life exist. People with this medicine have the wisdom necessary to overcome obstacles efficiently and are able to jump into successful ventures without preparation or planning. When the grasshopper appears to us we are being asked to take a leap of faith and jump forward into a specific area of life without fear. Usually that specific area is one that we have avoided and is often connected to change on a larger scale. This can represent a change in location, relationships, career or just in the way we perceive ourselves.

 Grasshoppers can only jump forward....not backward, or sideways. So, when grasshopper shows up he could be reaffirming to you that you are taking the right steps to move forward in your current situation. Or it could be that he is telling you to go ahead and move forward, getting past what is hindering you. This is why grasshopper is the symbol of good luck all over the world. Grasshopper's ability to connect and understand sound vibrations is why he is also a symbol of your inner voice. he could be telling you to trust yours.

Healing continues...motherhood..

Another while since I last blogged...to be honest just getting on with life, new connections and endeavouring to continue to heal.  The fatigue has been the main issue over the last few weeks...I never really appreciated what fatigue felt like before....  ugh!

Last week as part of a ŵorkshop someone asked me to simply stroke their feet...within five minutes I was exhausted..every muscle ached and I had to stop. I cried and beat myself up internally and verbally...saying its not right..I used to be able to do many massages a day and now I can't even stroke a foot! Humbling experience illness....much to surrender to.

A while a ago I wrote about motherhood etc and this has continued somewhat over the last few weeks.  This is hard to write as I feel grief over all the children I have lost.both in miscarriage and through separations in partnerships. 

Last week with my Transcendence family, during an exercise/meditation that I have done so many times before..something new came through me.   It was an exercise where you state how the opposite gender has 'hurt' you...you project these statements onto an imaginary screen which someone of the opposite gender sat opposite to witness.    As I had done this many times before, I speak on behalf of all women and 'thought' I had exhausted and transformed all my personal stuff.   However, this time, I said 'you have taken away all my children'...it was a powerful statement to make..and I felt it in every cell...I cried and shook my head.  My partner in the exercise sat in stillness and held space beautifully. 

Of course, I know the reality that life happens, it is not 'mans' fault, people, including children come and have to leave...however, the emotions I felt in my body were real.    A friend reminded me after when I shared this, that I had said last week... "how many more children will I come to love and then I have to let go"...  I'd forgotten that.

I am grateful that I am conscious and aware of what is real and can explore these emotions and feelings... I have met someone with children living with him and I can see that I am wary... not only of getting involved with someone again but also of the fact that there are children there as well.  I do not want to come from a place of fear and this is the first time that I have felt such wariness...I will keep softening and surrender to how life unfolds..

Healing continues in so many ways...

Namaste...

Absence from blogging! Forgiveness....

Another absence from blogging...been continuing to heal nicely..although had to up the medications under direction of the consultants!  :(

Its been a couple of weeks of connections from the past coming forth, tidying up of loose ends that I was not aware of, forgiveness etc... 

I discovered that I still had an old FB profile page that I no longer used..which meant that I was still connected to some people from my past that I am no longer in contact with.  Lovely to see an old flame looking so gloriously happy in his new life...a lovely warm energy which showed me how far I have come since we split.    Discovered some amazing photos of Milo that I didnt know existed too so downloaded them to disc..before finally deleting that old page.

After my trip to the consultant last week, I stayed with my friends at Transcendance...wonderful and nourishing as always.  At the weekend, I intended to go to Glastonbury to explore, shop and attend a Crystal Bowl Group Session... however, before all that, I was told about a Mexican Healer named Maestro Constantino who was also going to be in Glastonbury the same day.  well it was donation only and I had nothing to lose...

My friend and I turned up at the house...shown into a very hot room with a group of about 20 others.  It was sweltering...we were so so hot.  When Maestro came into the room, he was dressed in jumpers, hats, scarf, poncho..all you could see was his eyes.  They had a lovely energy and he proceeded to work around the room with his healings...   I wasnt so sure...with me, he just touched my heart and sat me down.  After we were told that if we could not afford to pay a donation then we should go home and 'forgive' someone..I immediately thought of my ex partner...regardless of how I have felt dis hounoured..I can forgive.

We left and I felt really funny...needed food.... and went into a local cafe to eat...and who was there...yes, the ex partner, with new GF, and his two children- serendipity or what!   The little girl came running up to me..and we hugged each other so tight...so wonderful to see her again.   After courteous greetings, she came and sat with me whilst having lunch...  the whole thing very surreal but lovely and it all felt perfect.  I was left a bit cosmic-ed out though..very spacy and I had a real burning fire in my belly..rising up my body.  Very faint..

Afterwards as originally planned, we went to the cyrstal bowl session...and I wasnt sure if I should stay, I felt so so weird.  I couldnt work out if this was the mexican healing, the cafe experience or even the medications I had taken earlier that day....

Regardless, I stayed with it..within the first few minutes, the fire in my belly calmed..and I went into deep meditation.  Wonderful experience...my body jerked a few times...and the final time, I felt a pain in my heart chakra...and then I opened my eyes.  Everything was clearer, I felt calm, the fire in my belly had gone and I felt grounded.  Thank you Jen Jen... I hope to hear your bowls again soon...x

On the way back to my friends house, I kept thinking of the little girl, young woman that I had connected with so deeply last year.  I then thought of all the childrens' lives I had been blessed to be part of...whilst not having birthed myself, I was and am still 'mother'...  deeply grateful for this experience..  I looked from the car window and we passed another car with the numberplate 'mum' on it....  hmmm! life is funny..  :)

Now....time of my moon...hibernating a little in my cocoon..  welcoming in the new..trying not to be so wary and cautious....much love I am receiving from life, from friends, from the masculine.  Namaste.

x