Rant..about RP to Happiness Jars!

A whirlwind of emotions...pain..tears...   Thursday, I thought I was going mad...actually insane....

It started with the doctors.  A meeting to discuss the latest hospital visit..to get me to go on blood pressure tablets and to discuss me not taking my aspirin that I have been prescribed...oh and to push the flu jab!  

After discussion, I asked him to tell me what he would prescribe for bp..and he went through the list and discounted them all due to the mtx and my rp symptoms!  He was going to have to write back to the hospital for advice. Although I ididnt want any more tablets to take..I felt my energy drop... Everything is so difficult..I started to cry,,I was so fed up of being in this situation..it didn't seem fair.  The doctor was surprised. He has usually commented on how positive I was..and tried to boost me up a bit.  What he said was..if you had all this 50 years ago..you would be dead!   Hmmm!

After that I saw the nurse for my regular blood test check...I have not been too good with these recently..very fainty..so was prepared with fizzy drink and chocolate bar for distraction!  :). The nurse was great, it didn't hurt,,not a problem..she put a plaster on..but I caught sight of the fact it wasn't stopping bleeding.  Ugh going funny now again!  Lol. To cut the story short and so I dont faint now.. I went fainty again..couldn't leave the doctors for a while to recover!  The irony is I am supposed to be taking aspirin to thin my blood !

Odd day after that,,I didn't speak to anyone..no phone calls, no one on Facebook...weather was dreary and dark.  I pottered, meditated and wrote more of my book.  (Yes finally writing a book of my journey!) then it was tea time.

I began preparing the food...and suddenly I went cold and just lost it.  I had a knife and just slammed it on the floor...it shattered. I paced the lounge, crying, and ranting...my dog was whimpering and pacing with me.  I said to myself..you are on the verge of losing it...completely going mad.  The thing was I knew this wasn't me..I could see myself  and hear myself as if I was watching a play.  My body was so cold and shaking...and then the cottage walls seemed to be closing in..I got scared.  I sat myself in the corner..sobbing.  I did call a friend to help...she came with hot water bottle, rescue remedy and calmed me..

We talked of how we are independent women, appearing strong and warrior like..taking everything thrown at us in life...being positive etc.  and yet just every now and then, we lose it... We just want to give up...share the load...just occasionally.  And yet there seems to be so many women out there on their own..dealing with some big stuff in their lives.  There has got to be a higher purpose for this...I trust that.

I have no idea whether it was the doctors visit, energies, planets, writing about my past..clearing old emotions out or what...but a few hours later it felt like a huge weight had been taken off me.  I was exhausted and drained.

Yesterday/Today is a completely different day..positivity again...emails, telephone calls, texts, Facebook conversations, even a possibility of some work if I am able.. we will see.

I'll finish off with this idea..I came across it this morning and I think its a wonderful idea by the author, Elizabeth Gilbert! 

JAR OF HAPPINESS. She made a vow that every night she would write down the happiest moment of the day and save it forever.  She fills a jar with scraps of bills, mail, bits of paper with something written on them, sea shells etc  

It takes 10 seconds to preserve the simplest and happiest moments...so join me in getting a jar, decorating it and filling it with JOY!  :)  

Namaste!

XX

Hospital visits..Stupa blessings..

A while since I last blogged...life has been full with much learning.   I am sure we have all experienced the massive transformations and changes occurring in our lives, as though the universe is conspiring to force the unclear to become clear, the unreal to become real...faster and faster. No let up.  I have such compassion for everyone who is experiencing the pressure of this.

I went to hospital yesterday..and it wasn't great news.  I have felt that My breathing had deteriorated over the last couple of months and the tests yesterday did confirm that things are not as good as they were after my surgery in march.  There was always the chance that my windpipe would become narrow again..many rp patients have to have many surgeries.. But I kinda hoped that this would not be in my case.  

It is hoped that this is due to scarring from surgery..which was likely to happen..but if it is inflammation, then it is likely that we haven't got the rp under control through medications.  So awaiting an appointment for a camera to be put down to have a look.  In the meantime, I increase my meds, revamp my diet, my lifestyle and no more stress.

Haven't I surrendered...haven't I learned what I have to learn through this thing..obviously not!  

I woke up this morning scared...scared and feeling alone...  Tears have come, gone, come again..  I feel I need to not show this to my parents, I don't want them to worry..they have such faith in medicine, they just want to believe that all will be well..just need to find the right medicine.    Not wishing to put pressure on my beloved who is going through his eye of the needle at this time....  Or burdening the many friends who support me so wonderfully in any case..

Independent, self sufficient, strong apparently?  I don't feel those right now..I want to be held, have my hair stroked, and soothed with words and love...this feels unjust..but it helps to write the emotions out...so thank you, the reader for listening!  :)   You know what I hear in my room right now...  the tapping of the deathwatch beatle! (superstition as it that it fortells death)   Perfection!

After hospital, we went to see the peace pagoda in battersea park..  It's a place I have gone to only a few times before...and it's always been a 'significant' meeting with the Buddhas...and always with someone important in my life next to me.

I sat there facing one of the Buddhas and remembered the times before when I had had some breakthrough, or realisation about life, some profound experience...and then I beat myself up as I felt I had failed to bring any of them into reality..not achieved my purpose etc...going round in circles bla bla bla..

Of course that is not the case, I know that...and through the tears yesterday, was the laughter at the cosmic joke...that life always steers us on the right path...regardless of the seeming choices we make.  We skirt around, take the bends and twists in life but it seems the universe always manages to steer us in the right direction somehow.  How much control do we really have?  Not a lot!   Look back and you will see....for a while there..you think you had a choice...but did you?

Life truly is amazing...   Why oh why do we take it so seriously... Jumping on and off the roller coaster..getting all tangled up... Ugh.. I just shook myself!   

Let go..let go..let go...  Sit back and watch the play unfold....and listen to the deathwatch beatle foretell of pending death! 

Namaste.

X

p.s. if you are reading this on email...you are missing out on some lovely pics of the buddhas that are on the blog!