It started with the doctors. A meeting to discuss the latest hospital visit..to get me to go on blood pressure tablets and to discuss me not taking my aspirin that I have been prescribed...oh and to push the flu jab!
After discussion, I asked him to tell me what he would prescribe for bp..and he went through the list and discounted them all due to the mtx and my rp symptoms! He was going to have to write back to the hospital for advice. Although I ididnt want any more tablets to take..I felt my energy drop... Everything is so difficult..I started to cry,,I was so fed up of being in this situation..it didn't seem fair. The doctor was surprised. He has usually commented on how positive I was..and tried to boost me up a bit. What he said was..if you had all this 50 years ago..you would be dead! Hmmm!
After that I saw the nurse for my regular blood test check...I have not been too good with these recently..very fainty..so was prepared with fizzy drink and chocolate bar for distraction! :). The nurse was great, it didn't hurt,,not a problem..she put a plaster on..but I caught sight of the fact it wasn't stopping bleeding. Ugh going funny now again! Lol. To cut the story short and so I dont faint now.. I went fainty again..couldn't leave the doctors for a while to recover! The irony is I am supposed to be taking aspirin to thin my blood !
Odd day after that,,I didn't speak to anyone..no phone calls, no one on Facebook...weather was dreary and dark. I pottered, meditated and wrote more of my book. (Yes finally writing a book of my journey!) then it was tea time.
I began preparing the food...and suddenly I went cold and just lost it. I had a knife and just slammed it on the floor...it shattered. I paced the lounge, crying, and ranting...my dog was whimpering and pacing with me. I said to myself..you are on the verge of losing it...completely going mad. The thing was I knew this wasn't me..I could see myself and hear myself as if I was watching a play. My body was so cold and shaking...and then the cottage walls seemed to be closing in..I got scared. I sat myself in the corner..sobbing. I did call a friend to help...she came with hot water bottle, rescue remedy and calmed me..
We talked of how we are independent women, appearing strong and warrior like..taking everything thrown at us in life...being positive etc. and yet just every now and then, we lose it... We just want to give up...share the load...just occasionally. And yet there seems to be so many women out there on their own..dealing with some big stuff in their lives. There has got to be a higher purpose for this...I trust that.
I have no idea whether it was the doctors visit, energies, planets, writing about my past..clearing old emotions out or what...but a few hours later it felt like a huge weight had been taken off me. I was exhausted and drained.
Yesterday/Today is a completely different day..positivity again...emails, telephone calls, texts, Facebook conversations, even a possibility of some work if I am able.. we will see.
I'll finish off with this idea..I came across it this morning and I think its a wonderful idea by the author, Elizabeth Gilbert!
It takes 10 seconds to preserve the simplest and happiest moments...so join me in getting a jar, decorating it and filling it with JOY! :)
Namaste!
XX
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