Hospital visits..Stupa blessings..

A while since I last blogged...life has been full with much learning.   I am sure we have all experienced the massive transformations and changes occurring in our lives, as though the universe is conspiring to force the unclear to become clear, the unreal to become real...faster and faster. No let up.  I have such compassion for everyone who is experiencing the pressure of this.

I went to hospital yesterday..and it wasn't great news.  I have felt that My breathing had deteriorated over the last couple of months and the tests yesterday did confirm that things are not as good as they were after my surgery in march.  There was always the chance that my windpipe would become narrow again..many rp patients have to have many surgeries.. But I kinda hoped that this would not be in my case.  

It is hoped that this is due to scarring from surgery..which was likely to happen..but if it is inflammation, then it is likely that we haven't got the rp under control through medications.  So awaiting an appointment for a camera to be put down to have a look.  In the meantime, I increase my meds, revamp my diet, my lifestyle and no more stress.

Haven't I surrendered...haven't I learned what I have to learn through this thing..obviously not!  

I woke up this morning scared...scared and feeling alone...  Tears have come, gone, come again..  I feel I need to not show this to my parents, I don't want them to worry..they have such faith in medicine, they just want to believe that all will be well..just need to find the right medicine.    Not wishing to put pressure on my beloved who is going through his eye of the needle at this time....  Or burdening the many friends who support me so wonderfully in any case..

Independent, self sufficient, strong apparently?  I don't feel those right now..I want to be held, have my hair stroked, and soothed with words and love...this feels unjust..but it helps to write the emotions out...so thank you, the reader for listening!  :)   You know what I hear in my room right now...  the tapping of the deathwatch beatle! (superstition as it that it fortells death)   Perfection!

After hospital, we went to see the peace pagoda in battersea park..  It's a place I have gone to only a few times before...and it's always been a 'significant' meeting with the Buddhas...and always with someone important in my life next to me.

I sat there facing one of the Buddhas and remembered the times before when I had had some breakthrough, or realisation about life, some profound experience...and then I beat myself up as I felt I had failed to bring any of them into reality..not achieved my purpose etc...going round in circles bla bla bla..

Of course that is not the case, I know that...and through the tears yesterday, was the laughter at the cosmic joke...that life always steers us on the right path...regardless of the seeming choices we make.  We skirt around, take the bends and twists in life but it seems the universe always manages to steer us in the right direction somehow.  How much control do we really have?  Not a lot!   Look back and you will see....for a while there..you think you had a choice...but did you?

Life truly is amazing...   Why oh why do we take it so seriously... Jumping on and off the roller coaster..getting all tangled up... Ugh.. I just shook myself!   

Let go..let go..let go...  Sit back and watch the play unfold....and listen to the deathwatch beatle foretell of pending death! 

Namaste.

X

p.s. if you are reading this on email...you are missing out on some lovely pics of the buddhas that are on the blog!