Yet another blog post this week ! Things are moving within and I am inspired.....

Another blog post within a week! 

 I just read my 'on this day' app on Facebook and was reminded about a blog post I wrote exactly two years ago today.  I’ve copied an excerpt of it below.  

This is interesting because I've been thinking about how 'my life' has evolved from that which I had thought would happen when I was in my teens..  it doesn't look anything like I thought it would..and most of the time thats fine. 

However, every now and again I get that sinking thud in my belly when I realise that I desperately wanted a family around me and I have not had my own children.  Its really come up this week strong within me (probably hormones and time of year!)  and yesterday when I went for my regular checkup with my consultants in London, the first thing I said was:

 'I've had enough of all the meds and not being able to do what I want to do in life'.  how about I come off my meds, go find a guy for a one nighter and try one last time for a baby?!"   

The Doctor smiled at me knowingly and talked me through the whole auto immune thing again and how the meds are really helping me!  Bless him!  I was only half serious! 

  Ive just looked back at my blog and I've written something around the theme of family most years around this time.  There seems to be some pattern that is coming back up at this point every year... hmmm!

Its a process...a process of acceptance, grief and moving on...and again and again.   At least I am conscious of what is occurring and know what is real and true...That I am blessed to be alive and living at this time!  

  I've recently connected with a lot of women in their forties going through similar feelings..its actually amazing how many of my generation have not had children.  Apparently its the highest number since the First World War. Thats interesting!

The 25th April 2013 blog post that inspired todays post:

“Yesterday a beautiful sister of mine gave birth to her third child down under in Australia...She had posted a picture of her very full tummy the day before and she looked so happy and divine.    When I read that she had given birth to a baby boy, so content I had an overwhelming sense of gratitude for Mother..and for this Mother serving humanity, evolution, for us all in this beautiful, natural way.  With that was the bittersweet tinge of sadness for the loss of my babies and the 'void' that I feel sometimes...however..the gratitude and joy that I experienced as well.. through feeling through this sister was stronger...it was almost as if I had experienced birth with her.

Later that day I was in the hairdresser and they were all talking about fertility, birth, miscarriages etc..and I welled up..knowing that within a few moments I would be asked that question...    my wonderful hairdresser spotted me and said "I promise you will be ok...you will love what I am about to do!"..which made me laugh as he didnt know I was being touched by something else.   My hair was amazing...worthy of tears of delight!

Last night some children that had been in my life until fairly recently got in touch through video/skype....a wonderful surprise..heart warming to see children in their innocence, talking about 'nonsense'...but hearing and feeling their love.  

Whilst writing this blog, that beautiful Aussie mamma has just posted some pics of her birth and new baby son... intense, primal, natural, earthy, divine, serving all,...birthing goddess!  I am so grateful to you sister!  Love thee for your beauty and service…"

:)

All is good!

Before I close, I just pulled an Amma quote card:

"Whether you lead a family life or the life of a renunciate, 

what matters is how you see life and the experiences it brings you"   

PERFECT!!!!!!!

as I laugh here...hitting the 'Post' button!

Namaste
X

A Journey of Woman: First Blog Post in 2015!! :)

A Journey of Woman: First Blog Post in 2015!! :): My first blog post for 2015!  I've not been drawn to write anything and yet so much has been happening to share.  I had been looking at ...

First Blog Post in 2015!! :)

My first blog post for 2015!  I've not been drawn to write anything and yet so much has been happening to share. 

I had been looking at whether I continue this blog and if I did for what purpose.  I've completed my book and yet resistant to going public with it...largely for the same reason,  why?  I'm no longer sure I want to be 'out there', writing about some fairly intimate, personal stuff...I'm not sure I 'want' any backlash or any negative reactions..and yet on the other hand, I am who I am...and always willing to share when asked...paying no heed to how it is responded too.  In the written form though, it feels more permanent.    I also know that people that have chosen not to be part of my life now are still reading this and that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable (especially exes!), that they would rather read my 'diary' than pick up the phone to chat, to see how I am..where it is more a two way conversation...much more honest and open.    However, such is life and I will know what to do when I do!

The biggest change for me has to be my move...after five wonderful years, I have moved out of my wee cottage in the valley and moved to a house on the top of the hill instead!  A bigger and more private space, large windows, nice and light, wonderful views, spectacular sunsets and a bigger garden for Milo...and a pub within walking distance!  (I don't really drink..but handy when I didn't have the Internet).  I had so much support and help with my move, it happened very quickly....  But once the decision was made, the universe made it all fall into place.  

It was bittersweet leaving the woods and the land at the farm and sad that those that I had considered 'friends' weren't able to say goodbye for some reason..however, the energy has moved quickly to my new place.  With more light and space, I am much more able to see the sky, which I had been missing and that feeling of the outdoors even when it's cold or wet.  

It feels like I am moving into a new phase of my life....so watch this space...

Namaste
X

some pics of last nights sunset - the view from my lounge!  Its never boring!