Tough morning...I woke up wanting a cuddle, comfort, love...and scared. Scared of this thing, disease that has got a hold on my throat, and scared of what will happen in the future. I was and am endeavouring to remain positive about surgery - if no miracle occurs before then, I have little choice and it will improve my quality of life. But I cant help it, I am scared...feel hurt and alone. No matter how much love and support there is around me, at the end of the day, it will be that will be on the operating table and in that I am alone. Yes, I could call some friend, lover...yes I could switch the tv or radio on for distraction...but I wont. I'll allow the tears and emotions come through if they want to.
The mother of a wonderful, aspiring young film maker sent me a message this morning...his name is Casey and he has the same condition as me, and underwent surgery a couple of years ago. He made a film which I have attached. I am so inspired by his acceptance and willingness to get on with his life...I understand from his mother that he is doing really well now.. can walk two miles and medications have been reduced significantly. All that helps me to keep strong..
These tears right now are for the seeming unfairness of it all, the fact that I am here on my own, having to be strong and deal with these emotions and fears by using every tool I know...and by being in stillness...not projecting into the future or the past...it would be really nice to just be held physically though..to just let go to these emotions. Have some straight talking, no nonsense support and love. I have that within me too..but just right now..I just want to let go and flop...not have to muster up inner strength and 'togetherness'..so I am struggling between tears of fear and surrender and pulling up this 'strength' within my core to hold myself together - because that is what life is asking of me.
the film link is:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFxhSBPqfIY
Its helped writing this at least...more 'together'... Gotta stop 'wanting' things different!
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