Spring..Stages of Life!

Wow... what beautiful Spring weather.. I'm not one for the heat of the sun.. but this early spring has been amazing.. have been enjoying recuperating at my retreat and cottage, and enjoying the company of a girl friend and going to a concert/sound healing.

This week there have been many discussions about purpose of life, inspirations, positive attitudes and optimistic outlooks..

One in particular was with my doctor yesterday... he hadnt seen me for a while and was interested in the surgery etc and asked how I was coping  with such a 'rare illness'...he made the sympathetic sounds and showed concern...  saying it must be really hard to face all this, especially without a partner..who was I talking about stuff with etc...   Phew!  I sat there..and thought it was quite funny really... I had been really positive and optimistic about things but appreciated his interest and care.  I told him how I saw things, that I had many friends and family that love and support me and about the RP forum, where the relatively few of us with this, can share information and support each other.    I acknowledged that I sometimes did dip but generally I thought that there were much worse things to have in terms of illness...such as paralysis, a stroke, cancer etc.  He seemed generally pleased that I was so positive.

All good....and then today!

I went again to the doctors to have a routine blood test..laughing at myself for stupidly wearing white today!  All was fine and then this really old lady slowly came in the waiting room....she was so fragile and weak...with two helpers with her.  And yet, she had such determination to get to the seat she chose...amazing inner determination.  I ear-wigged on her conversation and felt such love for this wise, old woman.  She was talking about her new accommodation.. her window outlook etc...

Then came in several pregnant ladies... all at various stages.  There must have been a clinic on... each one smiling, happy..if a little flustered in the heat.  One brought in a baby in her carry cot...every one oohed and arrred over the cradle.    Then a 'busy' mum came in with 4 little girls...all absolutely beautiful from between 3 and 6...  All had long wavy, blondish hair and various dresses, caps and little shoes.  One was called Holly, another Meadow!  What a wonderful name!  Delightful to watch them all playing...wanting the loo, but playing amongst themselves.  They were exactly how I pictured my little girl(s) would look like.,,when i was younger. 

I sat there and saw the various stages of life in front of me...and somewhere out of the depth, I burst into tears! I had no warning...but the tears flowed!  I gulped them down as best as I could..luckily some music was playing and i was at the back but still..it was noticed.  i tried to read posters on the wall, leaflets on the rack..Lots of thoughts came and went...right from wondering if I would reach old age, if so, who would escort me to the doctors, where would I live....then looking at the pregnant ladies..seemingly i would never experience how it is to be fully pregnant in this lifetime...not experience child birth.    Tears kept on coming!

Luckily the nurse called me very soon...I just about made it to her room when the next flow came...I just stood with my head in hands and sobbed..with her calling me sweetheart, touching my arm...showing such concern.   I reassured her I was ok about the blood test...and shared what had over-whelmed me.  Phew!

The nurse not knowing me that well, said about not too late, adoption etc etc... and I had to tell her about my medications which would prevent me trying, my miscarriages in the past, and that realistically was I even fit enough!   I also acknowledged that I am blessed that I have cared for children in my life time and that I have been able to experience so many things because I didnt have children..like travel the world etc.

As quickly as it arose...once i had spoken it to the nurse..it all subsided!  Amazing emotion running through though for those few minutes... another clearing and I am sure some more still to do on that subject.  

The needle hurt today...I must have been ultra sensitive too!

Big sigh...but all good...

Namaste
X

Returning to the body...Dis Ease...

Been spending the last few days getting used to this 'new' body.  I had been feeling quite cut off, hard to feel any energy, less sensitive which I am just not used to...and now feel wonderful.

Interesting to note that after surgery I didnt like my solar plexus area to be touched in any way...I tried to go through the resistence but it was painful for someone even to hover their hand over that area.  This is where the umbilical chord is cut off at birth..it is the energy line to the astral plane...this is where we leave our bodies when we enter sleep and the route in which we return on awakening..     I didnt ever pay much attention to astral travel and the like but I am feeling that I left my body during surgery and although I had returned to some extent....it has taken a while for me to get fully back into my body!  It was definately blocked in some way..or I was resistent to coming back.

My blood sugar levels have also been all over the place...so craving sugar and crappy food!  The solar plexus is also linked to the Throat Chakra..wondering if my body was trying to use food to ground me more?

In any case, with some beautiful loving energy, love making (a most powerful way to bring back energy), gentle encouragement, touch and massage..I now feel more here and so alive..able to cope with the internet a little more and write a blog.  On my own once more, i have returned to my cocoon, self massaging with arnica, lavender, going within, talking with my trachea, immune system, breath work, reading, Chi gong, Tai Chi, The Form..and just being.

So... whilst healing, I am looking at why create a throat problem in the first place.  Throat is about 'hiding my truth'...my throat has been constricted... What in life is constricting me?   Need to express it!  Yes, feel as if I have been there, done that....but feel the desire to re look.. 
 
Dis ease is an agent of transformation...we transform when we re cognise with our deep purpose...not necessarily 'cured'...sometimes it is how it is!

As a start.. for anyone with a dis ease... look at  this question.. "What are the advantages of being ill?"  Be honest!  Its surprising what you write...

For me:

It has given me 'space'...time...
I have received love, support, tenderness, attention
It has taught be empathy for others
It has given me some sort of purpose and identity!
I feel more devotion to life
More awareness
Humbleness
I have learned to be more surrendered and to have acceptance of what is.

Hmmmm...

I could re look at when it all started...any triggers.... yes .. can see things..but still not the whole picture!

I feel Its about me hiding my truth.... can I be ME... express my truth to ALL..including family - parents!  hmmmm....

I also get saddened when I read of others' despondency and distress at their prognosis of an illness...I too have been there..still creeps in occasionally...  I want to talk to them of acceptance and surrender to what is...look at the higher purpose, bigger picture etc...spirituality, tools and meditation, visualisations, exercises etc... but how will this be received?  Is it preachey, lecturing? arrogance, whacky..who am I to say such things?  I think it was only a couple of weeks ago i was so 'down' about having RP..what was the point in surgery if the constriction might come back...there is no cure bla bla bla.. I was telling myself...I am so not perfect!

Yesterday I received an email from someone saying they were inspired by my journey...today someone said they were in 'awe' of my life...  I find it so hard to hear...and accept that I am perceived to be different...I am not..this 'life' is not special...all life is special!  I have spent all my life trying NOT to stand out, to be part of the crowd, hidden, not special - mainly because i was always told as a child that I was 'special' because i was chosen (adopted) etc.  I shake my head!

And yet, I have chosen some 'different' paths..taken opportunities 'out of the norm'...lived in unorthodox ways, even put myself 'out there' by writing a blog!    Paradoxical!  Some may say it is inspiring..others might ignore...a few might well just cut me off...am I ready for that too!  What is all this about? 


Much to explore and I am excited and in trepidation as to the possibilities ahead....much newness entering this life...newness of breath, voice, purpose...courage... Loving it all in this moment.

Namaste
X

Healing cocoon.....namaste.x

Well, now I am back at home following surgery.  Have been spending the past few days endeavouring to come back into my body more and more..a bit of a struggle. Have had a wonderful, young man (angel) caring for me, ensuring all went smoothly, calmly and now back at home, serving me, feeding me, massaging me with such tenderness and love.  I am so blessed.

The surgery day was a bit surreal...I had a cold brewing so I think I had been a little hopeful that they would cancel the operation.  So I was very calm and relaxed waiting for my turn to go to theatre.  They made the decision to go ahead and I then spent some time 'talking' to my throat, trachea,letting it know what was about to happen..to prepare.  Asked my body to surrender as best it could, divert blood flow away during the procedure etc..

In the anaesthetic room, yes I got a little scared and shaky...but very quickly they did what they had to do and I drifted off talking of sheep and fields!  No dreams, visions etc just blackness...until it was over.  I woke up writhing on the bed, snaking up and down, trying to re enter my body...it was painful getting back in..my body ached for ages after.

The surgeon operated on the narrow airway with laser and then a balloon dilation...but then they spotted a narrower area further down the trachea that we didnt know about!  So this was operated on to..hopefully I won't need any further dilation but only time will tell now.

When they took me up to the ward..I was put into bay 11...wonderful... Auspicious number and then they wheeled me right by the window..I could see the sky and a tree!  I think I must have smiled and 'whooped'..I was so grateful!  I don't think the nurse and porter knew what to make of that..but hey!

I have had so many messages of support, prayers, healing, thoughts,energy...As I recovered the afternoon of the surgery, I lay there thinking that I didn't deserve it!  I could actually hear myself say..i am fine, they shouldn't have given me so much energy or their time when maybe it was needed elsewhere!  God...what a belief...i watched it and gently told myself that of course I deserved, was worthy and to accept and love.  So humbled.

I now need to support my immune system to get back on track...ask it to stop attacking me..there is no need for it to continue to do this.  This may not be the end of it..it is not uncommon to have to have the same operation several times, continued medications etc etc...the reading of prognosis is scary...others experiences scary....but I have to trust that whatever the outcome..then it is right for me.  I want to explore why my immune system is doing this...re look at all the tools, theories etc.  I have to regard this as a 'clean slate'...

Just now, I took Milo for a little walk and attempted a small incline..it was so wonderful to be on the fields again...watching Milo run with his friends (albeit with funny curly tail!) ...  buzzards calling above, sunshine..but cold wind.   My breath is definately much easier, less coughing but voice and throat a bit sore still..  it feels soooo good to be alive though!  So much better than a couple of weeks ago.

Namaste...thank you to all of you..for all you angels sending me loving and healing energy, your thoughts,your cards...to my fellow rp'ers for understanding how it is and for y/our courage!  Love to you all!

X

 

p.s. thank you for the messages of healing for Milo's broken tail too!  He didnt want me to have the attention this last week!  He is going to be able to keep his tail for now...hes not in pain and it has a lovely curly bit to it now!  much like a piggy tail - such character!  x

Leaving for hospital...

Well, just a few minutes before we head off to London...thank you for all your messages of support..And for the messages of healing for Milo. bless him, he is chilled out on his herbal tablets..ready to be taken in by my parents. I have woken up with a feeling of a cold coming on...dosing up on zinc and vitamin c and trusting that if the surgery is supposed to go ahead...then it will! there is no nervousness at the moment...just a keenness to get on the road.. I will probably have no way to blog again once I am in hospital...so will write again as soon as I am able. Namaste X

Angels Everywhere....

its 4am..I woke up with the wind and rain doing its thing on my roof window..I tried to wrap the duvet around me tighter, to close my eyes and disappear into dreamspace but the wind has howled me to sit up and write....

There are angels everywhere..around us..living with us, supporting us and loving us.  I dont just mean the "winged" variety, beings that hold us and encourage us from another realm.  I am blessed to have angels that have come into my life, to touch me in some way, gift me their love in whatever form or shape that is...

Every single person that has come into my life has gifted me their love and shown me something...enabled me to learn something, grow...some are no longer in my life..that is ok too.  Even though we are no longer in contact physically, I think of them and am grateful, love them for what they have gifted me.  They are all angels!

I woke with tears in my eyes...because after each sleep..the date for surgery gets closer..and I am human, i feel afraid and wonder what the outcome will be.  Its not a "why me?" ..why not me!?   Its more of a "shit",..is this one of the last days I will have a voice to talk, scream, shout and sing with?  Will i experience pain after surgery?  What will I wake up with?  Will I wake up after the anaesthetic?  There is no despair in this..but there is a seeing of the fear, a gentle feeling that we have no control..its all unknown.

Back to the Angels..in my awakening all those years ago..I was given the choice to have surgery to remove blood clots or risk them dislodging and going to my lungs.  I was afraid of the surgery and didnt want it..I had been experiencing another state or realm and was no longer afraid of death..so just wanted to be left alone and to trust in life.  However, my then husband was terrified...he wanted me to have surgery..exhausted after another hour or so of him trying to persuade to to agree to surgery..we held each other..  I fell 'asleep' in his arms..I could feel them around but..but I could also feel something else..something far bigger wrapping around us both, holding us both.  There was a warmth, love, essence that enveloped the two of us..  I opened my eyes and knew it was all ok.  The fear had disappeared, I felt serene, calm, at one and nodded my agreement to surgery...my husband breathed a sigh of relief!  A little while later, the consultant came and said they had had a meeting and had decided that surgery was not the right thing to do now!  I think I might have laughed!  :)

More "earthly" angels are giving me so much right now...each with their unique gift of love.

They have stepped in to ensure that I have followed up appointments, physically supporting me with their masculine authority, holding me tenderly with their feminine sensitivity when I needed it most.  One has continued to step forward with such unconditional devotion and love, I have been humbled to tears.  Another has come forward to bolster me up when I have gotten down - given me some straight talking, humour, even distraction when necessary - as well as love through touch and massage..just sharing space with me.   Another has shown me different tools for healing, encouraging me to stay in this body and not escape to my beloved cosmos.  Others are supporting me in practical ways..friends are dipping in and out, checking in, giving me words of support, encouragement, hugs, their gifts, love as and when they can...and then there are more virtual friends..again giving me their love..just using another form.

All is energy..all is love.

I am so blessed and grateful for each and every one of them..each and every one of you!

Namaste

XXX

Surgery date...love of friends.

Had a busy but wonderful  week of workshops, sacred meditations, cosmic energy flow and divine touch and loving... :)   A bit too much driving around so grateful to have stopped now in sunny, wonderful Devon this weekend for a friends birthday get together..looking forward to a seaside visit and maybe some tasty fish and chips! The date for surgery is now agreed as the 14th march..somewhat relieved that I haven't got to wait so long as expected and then again nervous that they treated my case as urgent and I havent had much time in my cocoon for the self healing to get into flow.  However, I am now seeing that surgery will 'clean the slate' and I can then continue with my self healing to prevent repetition of damage and progression of the rp. The scariest thing for me is not knowing what they will do..the surgeon himself doesn't know what they will do until he is in there.  So, I won't know what has happened until I wake up...absolutely no control.  I have to trust totally and surrender to the unknown.   If I sit and think about it, I can get scared and upset but on the whole, with the support of loved ones, I am positive and accepting of what is. I have been humbled by who around me has stepped forward in their support and love for me.  Not only the ones  i had 'expected' that have always supported me in times of need but a couple of relatively new friends...amazing generosity and love.  I am so grateful and blessed. It has been challenging to accept their love and giving when they dont have an agenda or conditions.... I have questioned 'why' would they do that?  However, I am learning to accept graciously and honour their love for me by allowing it to flow..hmmmmm. Namaste.x