Surgery date...love of friends.

Had a busy but wonderful  week of workshops, sacred meditations, cosmic energy flow and divine touch and loving... :)   A bit too much driving around so grateful to have stopped now in sunny, wonderful Devon this weekend for a friends birthday get together..looking forward to a seaside visit and maybe some tasty fish and chips! The date for surgery is now agreed as the 14th march..somewhat relieved that I haven't got to wait so long as expected and then again nervous that they treated my case as urgent and I havent had much time in my cocoon for the self healing to get into flow.  However, I am now seeing that surgery will 'clean the slate' and I can then continue with my self healing to prevent repetition of damage and progression of the rp. The scariest thing for me is not knowing what they will do..the surgeon himself doesn't know what they will do until he is in there.  So, I won't know what has happened until I wake up...absolutely no control.  I have to trust totally and surrender to the unknown.   If I sit and think about it, I can get scared and upset but on the whole, with the support of loved ones, I am positive and accepting of what is. I have been humbled by who around me has stepped forward in their support and love for me.  Not only the ones  i had 'expected' that have always supported me in times of need but a couple of relatively new friends...amazing generosity and love.  I am so grateful and blessed. It has been challenging to accept their love and giving when they dont have an agenda or conditions.... I have questioned 'why' would they do that?  However, I am learning to accept graciously and honour their love for me by allowing it to flow..hmmmmm. Namaste.x

Simple Post! x

Simple Post! x

Valentines....

Hello all,

Happy belated valentines!

I had an amazing valentines evening hosted by my friends at Transcendence. There was dancing, touch, roses, chocolate, laughter and great fun...

 A bit of stuff come up about health though...  At one point, I had my eyes closed, i was being gently fed chocolate, given roses and whispered too....a man whispered into my ear 'you are beautiful'...I have no idea who he was but afterward, it made me think..would he have said that if he knew I had such a thing as RP?  Would he be saying the same thing  if I end up with a hole in my throat to help me breathe? I cried...at the reality of my situation, i was scared again...would I have to stop doing the things I enjoy doing, doing events such as this one, was I going to become unlovable, a monster, so different to other woman my age, would I physically die young...how could I put all that on man and expect him to love me.

I cried in the back of the taxi home..and was held gently by man...Lovingly supported by friends.. Of course such unreal thoughts!  They each came through very powerfully though..a mini 'workshop' of sorts.... No matter what, my essence as woman, shakti will remain unchanged..if a shiva is put off by the superficial, then he has no place in my life.  he would not have enough love or courage to be with me in any case...

I know I am the goddess...beyond what can be seen, what  is flesh and blood...

Back in my cocoon, with my moon...self healing and nurturing.

 Namaste to my Transcendence family.... X

A Journey of Evolving Woman: Namaste... thank you...

A Journey of Evolving Woman: Namaste... thank you...: Just a quick writing... thank you to all of you for sending me virtual hugs and prayers yesterday.. I felt such love and support.. I spent...

Namaste... thank you...

Just a quick writing...  thank you to all of you for sending me virtual hugs and prayers yesterday.. I felt such love and support..  I spent most of the day cocooned, watching the snow fall and allowing whatever emotion came through..regardless...

Whilst I have that inner core I was talking about yesterday...Its ok to reach out though...  I visited next door a while and held their baby...he gummed my hand so hard as he was teethnig...it was wonderful.. what innocent masculine energy I received in those few minutes!  

In the evening, I was pulled/pursuaded out of my cocoon to go to a dance class..which surprisingly I quite enjoyed...even though I was drained from crying lots, it was lovely to meet and share with others touch in such a safe environment.   I was then physically held, cuddled and kept warm throughout the coldest night of the winter so far....awakening to the wonderful sight of the snow capped hills... Capricorns love their hills.  :)

Milo enjoyed a run around on the hills with his ball...blue skies, crisp ground, watery sun..

LIFE IS GOOD... Just have to stay present..  not denying any fear or emotion but accepting they are there... allowing them through with love..and then back to presence.

Back to cocooning........

Namaste
x

Scared, needing a cuddle....mustering up inner strength.

Tough morning...I woke up wanting a cuddle, comfort, love...and scared.  Scared of this thing, disease that has got a hold on my throat, and scared of what will happen in the future.  I was and am endeavouring to remain positive about surgery - if no miracle occurs before then, I have little choice and it will improve my quality of life.  But I cant help it, I am scared...feel hurt and alone.   No matter how much love and support there is around me, at the end of the day, it will be that will be on the operating table and in that I am alone.  Yes, I could call some friend, lover...yes I could switch the tv or radio on for distraction...but I wont.  I'll allow the tears and emotions come through if they want to.

The mother of a wonderful, aspiring young film maker sent me a message this morning...his name is Casey and he has the same condition as me, and underwent surgery a couple of years ago.  He made a film which I have attached.   I am so inspired by his acceptance and willingness to get on with his life...I understand from his mother that he is doing really well now.. can walk two miles and medications have been reduced significantly.   All that helps me to keep strong..

These tears right now are for the seeming unfairness of it all, the fact that I am here on my own, having to be strong and deal with these emotions and fears by using every tool I know...and by being in stillness...not projecting into the future or the past...it would be really nice to just be held physically though..to just let go to these emotions.  Have some straight talking, no nonsense support and love.    I have that within me too..but just right now..I just want to let go and flop...not have to muster up inner strength and 'togetherness'..so I am struggling between tears of fear and surrender and pulling up this 'strength' within my core to hold myself together - because that is what life is asking of me.


the film link is:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFxhSBPqfIY


Its helped writing this at least...more 'together'...  Gotta stop 'wanting' things different!