Life..memories...grief... Unexpected reminders..

Earlier I had a moment....  My ex partner put up pictures of himself with his baby son etc...  Now I have nothing but love for him and his partner...we all get on brilliantly.  I have cuddled the baby as well...no issue...

And yet today, when I saw the pictures on my Facebook newsfeed, tears come from beneath...  I couldn't stop them..  I kept thinking about the babies we lost together... They would be around 4, 5 or 6 now...  

I realised that it is unlikely that I will ever get called mum...  There will no eager child running to me after their school day...No son or daughter looking out for me when I am older..  I will never get to breast feed or have the experience of birth.

Then I remembered that I have looked after many children, right from when I was at school myself right the way through the years.  I have been blessed to have changed nappies, toilet train, dress, feed etc...I have done the school runs, nursery pickups...gone to football matches..washed dirty clothes (after picking the up off the floor! Lol ), gone through the choosing of the right school, gone to parent /teacher evenings.... Cuddled a child to sleep, read bedtime stories, sang and played etc.  BUT in all that 'mothering'..never was I called mum...never could I look at a little face, and recognise bits of me in the reflection.  :( 

So..my last blog was talking about maybe not having the energy for a family...and now I grieve the family that I nearly had myself.  It's all mixed up with stepping into the family of my partner, my grief of losing babies, my age and hormones and this wonderful Relapsing Polychondritis and the medications that goes with it....ugh!  

I 'liked' the pictures on Facebook...with love and gratitude for the growth, maturity and love I see in that man...for our sharing of so many things over the years, our travels worldwide, our experiences and the little ones that we never got to hold physically.  

You know what happened next?  I was looking out of the window at the view of the river and fields...and a little girl started to shout my name out...tying to find me in the house..     Eventually, she came into the bedroom and found me crying... She came onto the bed and cuddled me...she kissed me and tried to cheer me up with her funny ways.  Beautiful and sensitive young woman...I felt the nurturing of the sisterhood coming through this tiny body...

....and then, she asked if I would get her something to eat!  :).   As I prepared her a snack, she was doing her homework and shouted out a couple of times with queries..  That made me smile!  

And as I just finished typing, and about to publish...a little boy comes in...takes a look at my circling angel chimes, runs out saying 'love you Lisa'.  Xx

Life!    I am so blessed really....  

Namaste

X

Goodbye to 2012.....Welcome to 2013...

Well...its between Christmas and new year..I have been exhausted!  Not sure if its the time of year, my relapsing polychondritis, having my moon time, being around excited children that don't need a lot of sleep..or a combination of all those.

I have had to force myself to be social able when all I want to do is lie in bed and sleep....crazy.  Nearly in tears yesterday as with my partners family and I kept having to disappear upstairs to have 10mins lie down...before resurfacing for another half an hour or so.  How old am I?  Really getting me scared as to how I will be when I am older....  Can I cope with being around a family full time...  In my head a lot about it all.  

However, the final days of 2012...an up and down year..many things let go of and many things coming in new.  This new year will be different..I am usually with my good  friends bringing in the new year..this year i am with my beloved and his two children, their cats and milo!  

We are going to do a mini ritual together, writing down all the things we are thankful for, all the things we wish to let go of once and for all from 2012 and burn them in a fire.  Then we re going to write all the things we look forward to in 2013...and attach them to lanterns and release them to the sky after midnight.

Tomorrow, we are going to create a family happiness jar..I have talked about them before.  We will all decorate it and then fill it with notes, receipts, trinkets etc that have brought us happiness each day.  At the end of 2013, then we can empty it and look through them all.....why don't you try this...x

So... Thank you for all the love, support and feedback received from you during 2012....looking forward to seeing you in 2013...

Namaste

Xx

Solstice greetings ...to Christmas floods...

Belated solstice blessings!

The 21st was indeed a powerful morning.  As we moved through 11.11...felt light headed, energy pouring in, heat, very warm sensation...  I did the form  movement and yes, felt some shifts....  But no end of the world..ascension from this reality...so........

X

Again, it's been a while since I wrote anything..lots going on as ever in life.  I have had to go to London twice in the last couple of weeks to see my surgeon..to see whether my trachea is narrowing again..  They got the camera down so far without much sedation and it appears that what has happened is scarring from surgery has formed which has narrowed the airway slightly...but it doesn't look like any new inflammation has occurred..  I go again in 4 weeks to check again.

Last weekend I learned that a young women from the Facebook RP community had passed away..through  complications of relapsing polychondritis.  She had similar issues to me with her trachea...but they couldn't get the progression under control.    It has shaken the community as a whole somewhat as we each realise that one day, it could be us.

As I read about her death, her age (33) and that she leaves behind a little girl..it brought it home to me the seriousness of this thing.  Scary and for a few hours as the news sank it, I felt despondent...but also knowing that I absolutely trust in life,in source, in universal truth..  Made me more motivated to continue with my own healing...stop procrastinating!

Over the last few weeks , it has felt like time has speeded up again.  I have felt pressured and stressed and yet  I have no real direct responsibilities or job!  Everything has speeded up somehow.  I have been exhausted and not sure whether its energetic, my illness or the medications... But I am finding it hard ..I dont like having to take naps, say no to things and walk out of shops as I just can't face them.  :(

Today, I am sat in a house on the banks of the river wye...the river is in flood..and As I type the water is beginning to flow under the doors into the downstairs living space.  I am surrounded by murky water...debris, tree trunks etc floating by...  I have had fun though..I have been sat watching Xmas movies, making sausage rolls and preparing veg for tomorrow.  The two cats are not impressed they cannot go outside and even worse for them...they are having to share their home with a dog!  Milo hates water..he can't get outside either but at least he can use the balcony..when he's brave enough.

Lots happened in my lovelife... I have been humbled by my loves' courage and humility in wooing me to return..to forgive him.  It took much persistence and persuasion..  Forgiveness? Yes...but it seems that's actually harder to do when you are with the person...big learning for me not to take position, forgive unconditionally...and surprisingly possibly facing my own fear of commitment!  Anyway,   I am here...in his home, with his two children.   Spending Christmas here..should be fun...with the river doing its thing as well!  Oh..and the cats and dog being forced to get along for a few days without escape!

So..enjoy..and if I don't write before, see you in 2013!

X

Man listen up.....woman know your feminine power...

Man..listen up!   Women needs to hear, know and trust that you love her..utterly and completely before she can surrender fully to you.  When she surrenders, her flower opens, her petals will open and surround you..and you must be careful...be honouring...  As you would do if you picked a rare flower from the garden...  

Look into her eyes..deeply... Touch her passionately...  With reverence for the beauty she is.   

As you enter her...the sweetness will be so sweet it is indescribable..be tender but with authority..for it is that authority of the masculine that she yearns to surrender to.  

She will invite you in deeper..her kundalini on fire..it will entice you to go deeper and deeper still...  This is where man can distrust...fear the loss of his identity, his death..  He might want to take control and take this power for his pleasure alone.    Her snake will start to awaken...her body will move and undulate...enticing you to let go to her will...let the snake take you!   If you trust and let go to this..the sweetness you first tasted will seem distant in comparison.

If you are unable to take this..then that is ok... But in your withdraw, you also leave the feminine high on a precipice ...the energy will hurt in her belly...in her womb...and sadness..grief may rise in your women...hold her tight.. Place your hand gently on her belly and yoni...reassure her of your love still...she needs to know you love.

Make sure she is grounded and calm before you leave her energetically..don't roll over...don't fall asleep until you are sure she is ok..grounded and still..  Honour that opening within her...her shakti power.  It is this that you truly love...

X

Autumn releases ready for the new!

Ok..here we go!  Haven't blogged for a while again, there's been lots happening!

It's autumn and repeating the pattern of the last few autumns, another relationship has ended at this time of year.  Without wishing to get too much into what that may mean..I don't need to.. What I did see today as I stood underneath some trees..is that the trees at this time of year show me how they let go of their leaves so easily...  At just the right moment, the tree releases a leaf and the leaf lets go and falls to the earth gracefully.  Their time of growing together done..their purpose complete.  They know that death is just another step into the new...that will come soon inevitably.  A huge reminder from that Oak Tree today!

The 'story' doesn't matter...what matters is how I am with it..the ending may appear the same but its the journey and the experience of it that is different.  i am a different woman this autumn to the last autumn,and the one before that...ever evolving.

That is not to say that I haven't gone into the drama of it..ranted and raged, disbelief, hurt and betrayal..in fact this time,  i fully embraced Kali energy and gave him what for!  It felt good to show the masculine to his face my rage and I did it for me..whatever he thought of my mad dance didnt matter!  I have nothing but love and compassion for this man who is aware of what life is asking of him but cannot find a way through the fog to move forward and transform.    

This autumn, the feeling under that Kali rage was a rumbling underneath, like a volcano about to erupt, of newness..of something far bigger and better coming in.  I noticed my anticipation of what is coming my way and there was a joy in that.

Although I have done this on different levels before, I once again thank all my exes, in fact everyone that has come and gone from my life... But particularly intimate relationships..as they have sharpened my awareness of who I really am...and creating anew.  With the law of attraction theory, they have shown me what i do and don't want, clarifying what i wish to attract..ever evolving... causing  me to create a relationship that I have not yet lived...but it is coming..I know it.

People don't tend to leave us because we were not lovely, great to be with as most of us are..   But they go when the vibrations no longer match...no more room for expansion..or one or other cannot live what they know to be true causing a gap... it doesn't matter..what you came together to do is done...now it's time to let go like the trees and the leaves!    They know spring is around the corner!

 

In the meantime..I am so inspired to take action on my purpose...the couple of projects that I have 'waited' to start...  I am sick of being in the 'waiting room'..waiting to be altogether myself, waiting for the confidence to get out there, waiting for good or better health....waiting..waiting...waiting..   The time of peace, sitting down in meditation 'om'ing and being, stillness, oneness, bla bla... is done for all of us!  Yes that is all important BUT it is now Time for moving forward, creating something..to inspire as many people as possible..  that will take action - a movement from that stillness!  

I am a gorgeous, sensual and powerful, loving woman.   :)

It will take a powerful, deep deliberate and masculine man to keep up with me..when I meet him I will know!    :)

Namaste.

X

Rant..about RP to Happiness Jars!

A whirlwind of emotions...pain..tears...   Thursday, I thought I was going mad...actually insane....

It started with the doctors.  A meeting to discuss the latest hospital visit..to get me to go on blood pressure tablets and to discuss me not taking my aspirin that I have been prescribed...oh and to push the flu jab!  

After discussion, I asked him to tell me what he would prescribe for bp..and he went through the list and discounted them all due to the mtx and my rp symptoms!  He was going to have to write back to the hospital for advice. Although I ididnt want any more tablets to take..I felt my energy drop... Everything is so difficult..I started to cry,,I was so fed up of being in this situation..it didn't seem fair.  The doctor was surprised. He has usually commented on how positive I was..and tried to boost me up a bit.  What he said was..if you had all this 50 years ago..you would be dead!   Hmmm!

After that I saw the nurse for my regular blood test check...I have not been too good with these recently..very fainty..so was prepared with fizzy drink and chocolate bar for distraction!  :). The nurse was great, it didn't hurt,,not a problem..she put a plaster on..but I caught sight of the fact it wasn't stopping bleeding.  Ugh going funny now again!  Lol. To cut the story short and so I dont faint now.. I went fainty again..couldn't leave the doctors for a while to recover!  The irony is I am supposed to be taking aspirin to thin my blood !

Odd day after that,,I didn't speak to anyone..no phone calls, no one on Facebook...weather was dreary and dark.  I pottered, meditated and wrote more of my book.  (Yes finally writing a book of my journey!) then it was tea time.

I began preparing the food...and suddenly I went cold and just lost it.  I had a knife and just slammed it on the floor...it shattered. I paced the lounge, crying, and ranting...my dog was whimpering and pacing with me.  I said to myself..you are on the verge of losing it...completely going mad.  The thing was I knew this wasn't me..I could see myself  and hear myself as if I was watching a play.  My body was so cold and shaking...and then the cottage walls seemed to be closing in..I got scared.  I sat myself in the corner..sobbing.  I did call a friend to help...she came with hot water bottle, rescue remedy and calmed me..

We talked of how we are independent women, appearing strong and warrior like..taking everything thrown at us in life...being positive etc.  and yet just every now and then, we lose it... We just want to give up...share the load...just occasionally.  And yet there seems to be so many women out there on their own..dealing with some big stuff in their lives.  There has got to be a higher purpose for this...I trust that.

I have no idea whether it was the doctors visit, energies, planets, writing about my past..clearing old emotions out or what...but a few hours later it felt like a huge weight had been taken off me.  I was exhausted and drained.

Yesterday/Today is a completely different day..positivity again...emails, telephone calls, texts, Facebook conversations, even a possibility of some work if I am able.. we will see.

I'll finish off with this idea..I came across it this morning and I think its a wonderful idea by the author, Elizabeth Gilbert! 

JAR OF HAPPINESS. She made a vow that every night she would write down the happiest moment of the day and save it forever.  She fills a jar with scraps of bills, mail, bits of paper with something written on them, sea shells etc  

It takes 10 seconds to preserve the simplest and happiest moments...so join me in getting a jar, decorating it and filling it with JOY!  :)  

Namaste!

XX

Hospital visits..Stupa blessings..

A while since I last blogged...life has been full with much learning.   I am sure we have all experienced the massive transformations and changes occurring in our lives, as though the universe is conspiring to force the unclear to become clear, the unreal to become real...faster and faster. No let up.  I have such compassion for everyone who is experiencing the pressure of this.

I went to hospital yesterday..and it wasn't great news.  I have felt that My breathing had deteriorated over the last couple of months and the tests yesterday did confirm that things are not as good as they were after my surgery in march.  There was always the chance that my windpipe would become narrow again..many rp patients have to have many surgeries.. But I kinda hoped that this would not be in my case.  

It is hoped that this is due to scarring from surgery..which was likely to happen..but if it is inflammation, then it is likely that we haven't got the rp under control through medications.  So awaiting an appointment for a camera to be put down to have a look.  In the meantime, I increase my meds, revamp my diet, my lifestyle and no more stress.

Haven't I surrendered...haven't I learned what I have to learn through this thing..obviously not!  

I woke up this morning scared...scared and feeling alone...  Tears have come, gone, come again..  I feel I need to not show this to my parents, I don't want them to worry..they have such faith in medicine, they just want to believe that all will be well..just need to find the right medicine.    Not wishing to put pressure on my beloved who is going through his eye of the needle at this time....  Or burdening the many friends who support me so wonderfully in any case..

Independent, self sufficient, strong apparently?  I don't feel those right now..I want to be held, have my hair stroked, and soothed with words and love...this feels unjust..but it helps to write the emotions out...so thank you, the reader for listening!  :)   You know what I hear in my room right now...  the tapping of the deathwatch beatle! (superstition as it that it fortells death)   Perfection!

After hospital, we went to see the peace pagoda in battersea park..  It's a place I have gone to only a few times before...and it's always been a 'significant' meeting with the Buddhas...and always with someone important in my life next to me.

I sat there facing one of the Buddhas and remembered the times before when I had had some breakthrough, or realisation about life, some profound experience...and then I beat myself up as I felt I had failed to bring any of them into reality..not achieved my purpose etc...going round in circles bla bla bla..

Of course that is not the case, I know that...and through the tears yesterday, was the laughter at the cosmic joke...that life always steers us on the right path...regardless of the seeming choices we make.  We skirt around, take the bends and twists in life but it seems the universe always manages to steer us in the right direction somehow.  How much control do we really have?  Not a lot!   Look back and you will see....for a while there..you think you had a choice...but did you?

Life truly is amazing...   Why oh why do we take it so seriously... Jumping on and off the roller coaster..getting all tangled up... Ugh.. I just shook myself!   

Let go..let go..let go...  Sit back and watch the play unfold....and listen to the deathwatch beatle foretell of pending death! 

Namaste.

X

p.s. if you are reading this on email...you are missing out on some lovely pics of the buddhas that are on the blog!