Simple Post! x

Simple Post! x

Valentines....

Hello all,

Happy belated valentines!

I had an amazing valentines evening hosted by my friends at Transcendence. There was dancing, touch, roses, chocolate, laughter and great fun...

 A bit of stuff come up about health though...  At one point, I had my eyes closed, i was being gently fed chocolate, given roses and whispered too....a man whispered into my ear 'you are beautiful'...I have no idea who he was but afterward, it made me think..would he have said that if he knew I had such a thing as RP?  Would he be saying the same thing  if I end up with a hole in my throat to help me breathe? I cried...at the reality of my situation, i was scared again...would I have to stop doing the things I enjoy doing, doing events such as this one, was I going to become unlovable, a monster, so different to other woman my age, would I physically die young...how could I put all that on man and expect him to love me.

I cried in the back of the taxi home..and was held gently by man...Lovingly supported by friends.. Of course such unreal thoughts!  They each came through very powerfully though..a mini 'workshop' of sorts.... No matter what, my essence as woman, shakti will remain unchanged..if a shiva is put off by the superficial, then he has no place in my life.  he would not have enough love or courage to be with me in any case...

I know I am the goddess...beyond what can be seen, what  is flesh and blood...

Back in my cocoon, with my moon...self healing and nurturing.

 Namaste to my Transcendence family.... X

A Journey of Evolving Woman: Namaste... thank you...

A Journey of Evolving Woman: Namaste... thank you...: Just a quick writing... thank you to all of you for sending me virtual hugs and prayers yesterday.. I felt such love and support.. I spent...

Namaste... thank you...

Just a quick writing...  thank you to all of you for sending me virtual hugs and prayers yesterday.. I felt such love and support..  I spent most of the day cocooned, watching the snow fall and allowing whatever emotion came through..regardless...

Whilst I have that inner core I was talking about yesterday...Its ok to reach out though...  I visited next door a while and held their baby...he gummed my hand so hard as he was teethnig...it was wonderful.. what innocent masculine energy I received in those few minutes!  

In the evening, I was pulled/pursuaded out of my cocoon to go to a dance class..which surprisingly I quite enjoyed...even though I was drained from crying lots, it was lovely to meet and share with others touch in such a safe environment.   I was then physically held, cuddled and kept warm throughout the coldest night of the winter so far....awakening to the wonderful sight of the snow capped hills... Capricorns love their hills.  :)

Milo enjoyed a run around on the hills with his ball...blue skies, crisp ground, watery sun..

LIFE IS GOOD... Just have to stay present..  not denying any fear or emotion but accepting they are there... allowing them through with love..and then back to presence.

Back to cocooning........

Namaste
x

Scared, needing a cuddle....mustering up inner strength.

Tough morning...I woke up wanting a cuddle, comfort, love...and scared.  Scared of this thing, disease that has got a hold on my throat, and scared of what will happen in the future.  I was and am endeavouring to remain positive about surgery - if no miracle occurs before then, I have little choice and it will improve my quality of life.  But I cant help it, I am scared...feel hurt and alone.   No matter how much love and support there is around me, at the end of the day, it will be that will be on the operating table and in that I am alone.  Yes, I could call some friend, lover...yes I could switch the tv or radio on for distraction...but I wont.  I'll allow the tears and emotions come through if they want to.

The mother of a wonderful, aspiring young film maker sent me a message this morning...his name is Casey and he has the same condition as me, and underwent surgery a couple of years ago.  He made a film which I have attached.   I am so inspired by his acceptance and willingness to get on with his life...I understand from his mother that he is doing really well now.. can walk two miles and medications have been reduced significantly.   All that helps me to keep strong..

These tears right now are for the seeming unfairness of it all, the fact that I am here on my own, having to be strong and deal with these emotions and fears by using every tool I know...and by being in stillness...not projecting into the future or the past...it would be really nice to just be held physically though..to just let go to these emotions.  Have some straight talking, no nonsense support and love.    I have that within me too..but just right now..I just want to let go and flop...not have to muster up inner strength and 'togetherness'..so I am struggling between tears of fear and surrender and pulling up this 'strength' within my core to hold myself together - because that is what life is asking of me.


the film link is:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFxhSBPqfIY


Its helped writing this at least...more 'together'...  Gotta stop 'wanting' things different!

Cocooning....

It’s been so so long since I last wrote... so many transitions, realisations that I have not shared...  Mainly due to my desire to maintain integrity in my intimate relationship..which is now over.    

I had to sit and take a look at how and why I write this blog again...I have written a couple of different versions over the last day or so...re-written and now deleted.     However, there is no need to write about what has occurred, the past, my projections , thoughts, emotions or feelings.  All egoic and does not serve any purpose in the here and now.

I have completely given up, let go, put down my weapons and the fight for some seeming fairness  and justice, need to be heard – I now surrender to the play of life!  Knowing it it isn’t real – nothing is as it seems.    I love Thee..you know who you are, I love the Beloved, I love dearly all the characters that have played a part in the play....and whilst the play continues, I will now endeavour to just BE....and love love love.

This blog is about MY JOURNEY... Throughout all this transition,  I have come to see that I now need to return to fulfilling my soul purpose.. return my focus to my love of the Divine,  connection to Source and share whatever is my ‘gift’ with humanity.  

I now feel  the same inner determination and love to dedicate to the spiritual life rather than my ‘personal’ life as when  I first awakened all those years ago.  Back then,  I was so single pointedly focused on freeing myself to devote myself to Source/Divine – I sacrificed my personal life, left my husband, career, ordinary life....then a few years down the line, I waivered!   I can no longer pretend or go back to ‘an ordinary girl looking for love’.    I have tried it out, several times and it doesn’t work....that is not my path.  

Whilst I do not intend to become a nun or join an ashram..I have still chosen the path of Relationship...There is a way to integrate the two.   I now shift my focus from ‘wanting’ things in my life to that of my connection to spirit/source.    There are no mistakes, wasted energy for I needed the experience of the last 10 years or so to learn compassion and empathy – this will serve me well.

Now I have been given a wonderful  window of opportunity, a space before possible surgery to my throat to concentrate my energies into self-healing.. I am going to generate transformation energy much like a caterpillar does in the cocoon.   I have various tools, practices, techniques to work through..sifting out what feels right.. I have many books to read and maybe even one to write!  I am excited, but not without trepidation.    I accept support and love graciously from those that give and offer.

I am preparing a cocoon right now.. I will draw in, retreat, deepen, focus on myself, and when I emerge, i will have something  important to share with the world...it is what I was asked to do years ago and again I am being urged to fulfill that promise.

This ‘warrior’ is putting down her weapons, stopping the fight and surrendering to let love, of the divine fully in!

I do not have to fight any more...I don’t have to try to keep going regardless of what ‘hits’ me...Surrender is the key!

This is the transition from Warrior to Healer.

Namaste

x