Yet another blog post this week ! Things are moving within and I am inspired.....

Another blog post within a week! 

 I just read my 'on this day' app on Facebook and was reminded about a blog post I wrote exactly two years ago today.  I’ve copied an excerpt of it below.  

This is interesting because I've been thinking about how 'my life' has evolved from that which I had thought would happen when I was in my teens..  it doesn't look anything like I thought it would..and most of the time thats fine. 

However, every now and again I get that sinking thud in my belly when I realise that I desperately wanted a family around me and I have not had my own children.  Its really come up this week strong within me (probably hormones and time of year!)  and yesterday when I went for my regular checkup with my consultants in London, the first thing I said was:

 'I've had enough of all the meds and not being able to do what I want to do in life'.  how about I come off my meds, go find a guy for a one nighter and try one last time for a baby?!"   

The Doctor smiled at me knowingly and talked me through the whole auto immune thing again and how the meds are really helping me!  Bless him!  I was only half serious! 

  Ive just looked back at my blog and I've written something around the theme of family most years around this time.  There seems to be some pattern that is coming back up at this point every year... hmmm!

Its a process...a process of acceptance, grief and moving on...and again and again.   At least I am conscious of what is occurring and know what is real and true...That I am blessed to be alive and living at this time!  

  I've recently connected with a lot of women in their forties going through similar feelings..its actually amazing how many of my generation have not had children.  Apparently its the highest number since the First World War. Thats interesting!

The 25th April 2013 blog post that inspired todays post:

“Yesterday a beautiful sister of mine gave birth to her third child down under in Australia...She had posted a picture of her very full tummy the day before and she looked so happy and divine.    When I read that she had given birth to a baby boy, so content I had an overwhelming sense of gratitude for Mother..and for this Mother serving humanity, evolution, for us all in this beautiful, natural way.  With that was the bittersweet tinge of sadness for the loss of my babies and the 'void' that I feel sometimes...however..the gratitude and joy that I experienced as well.. through feeling through this sister was stronger...it was almost as if I had experienced birth with her.

Later that day I was in the hairdresser and they were all talking about fertility, birth, miscarriages etc..and I welled up..knowing that within a few moments I would be asked that question...    my wonderful hairdresser spotted me and said "I promise you will be ok...you will love what I am about to do!"..which made me laugh as he didnt know I was being touched by something else.   My hair was amazing...worthy of tears of delight!

Last night some children that had been in my life until fairly recently got in touch through video/skype....a wonderful surprise..heart warming to see children in their innocence, talking about 'nonsense'...but hearing and feeling their love.  

Whilst writing this blog, that beautiful Aussie mamma has just posted some pics of her birth and new baby son... intense, primal, natural, earthy, divine, serving all,...birthing goddess!  I am so grateful to you sister!  Love thee for your beauty and service…"

:)

All is good!

Before I close, I just pulled an Amma quote card:

"Whether you lead a family life or the life of a renunciate, 

what matters is how you see life and the experiences it brings you"   

PERFECT!!!!!!!

as I laugh here...hitting the 'Post' button!

Namaste
X

A Journey of Woman: First Blog Post in 2015!! :)

A Journey of Woman: First Blog Post in 2015!! :): My first blog post for 2015!  I've not been drawn to write anything and yet so much has been happening to share.  I had been looking at ...

First Blog Post in 2015!! :)

My first blog post for 2015!  I've not been drawn to write anything and yet so much has been happening to share. 

I had been looking at whether I continue this blog and if I did for what purpose.  I've completed my book and yet resistant to going public with it...largely for the same reason,  why?  I'm no longer sure I want to be 'out there', writing about some fairly intimate, personal stuff...I'm not sure I 'want' any backlash or any negative reactions..and yet on the other hand, I am who I am...and always willing to share when asked...paying no heed to how it is responded too.  In the written form though, it feels more permanent.    I also know that people that have chosen not to be part of my life now are still reading this and that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable (especially exes!), that they would rather read my 'diary' than pick up the phone to chat, to see how I am..where it is more a two way conversation...much more honest and open.    However, such is life and I will know what to do when I do!

The biggest change for me has to be my move...after five wonderful years, I have moved out of my wee cottage in the valley and moved to a house on the top of the hill instead!  A bigger and more private space, large windows, nice and light, wonderful views, spectacular sunsets and a bigger garden for Milo...and a pub within walking distance!  (I don't really drink..but handy when I didn't have the Internet).  I had so much support and help with my move, it happened very quickly....  But once the decision was made, the universe made it all fall into place.  

It was bittersweet leaving the woods and the land at the farm and sad that those that I had considered 'friends' weren't able to say goodbye for some reason..however, the energy has moved quickly to my new place.  With more light and space, I am much more able to see the sky, which I had been missing and that feeling of the outdoors even when it's cold or wet.  

It feels like I am moving into a new phase of my life....so watch this space...

Namaste
X

some pics of last nights sunset - the view from my lounge!  Its never boring!

Year End Blog...

Year end... I haven't blogged for a few months, lots happening but never had the draw to write.

This has certainly been A year of goodbyes; to those that felt the need to move out of my life, a letting go of my ego self wants and needs in what appears to be 'my life', a surrender to being 'halted' by a dvt and a broken foot and to two wonderful women that physically passed this year,  Early in the year, my Sister Nicola with cancer whom I hadn't grown up with but had always accepted me as family.  Then just before Christmas, my ex mother in law whom I had not seen since my divorce.  Affectionately known as 'Mrs G', a powerful, sometimes formidable woman but who was always so generous and giving.   Both funerals a right of passage of sorts, closure, full circle, reconciliation, forgiveness, love, compassion for those acknowledging their own mortality and appreciation of life!

All I can say right now is that I know that 2015 is going to be a huge year..one of big changes!

Namaste..  X

Ps..how many of us did the 'jar of happiness'?  Time to empty out the notes, reminders and let them go..to move on to the next...with a huge YES!  

Soooo long! Stone circles, revisiting the past...again!!

Oh...its been a long long while..  So much has happened, changed, ..so quickly, I haven't been able to keep up with things to write them on here.  Its been hard enough to keep on top of it all day to day...maybe you all have been experiencing stuff so much, you are spinning!

It seems to have been a time for me to revisit much of my past, in terms of health and relationships.  I have had a few gatherings at my place which have been in themselves, mini retreats and I have also visited inside Stonehenge again and beloved Avebury too.

Some pics from Stonehenge at Starlight are attached - a stunning night, lying in amongst the stones in our small group and watching one of my sisters in her delight of experiencing it all for the first time.

My father has been unwell for a couple of months..its been hard to watch his deterioration and vulnerability but humbling to be able to help him, support him and mum.  That has brought up stuff about losing them physically and also how it will be on my own without them being around as there is no other family.  He's a little better right now, so hopefully over the worse.

A visit to Avebury to be with some friends in amongst the stones for a birthday turned out to be a serendipitous (fave word!)  day.   Randomly meeting an ex as I was leaving and then spontaneously sharing a few lovely hours talking and enquiring about life.  It was amazing to hear him speak of his realisations and how he yearns to fulfill his life's purpose or destiny.  Beautiful to watch him go with a renewed connection to that that had opened in him and his determination to follow his heart and take that leap!  On with his journey whatever he decides. 

I've had a couple of episodes of hemorrhaging badly..have got into what could have been the most embarrassing situations.  But to me, it was life...there was nothing I could do but surrender.    No surprise that I have since become anemic again...so find myself building myself up with iron tablets again and looking for ways to stem my bleeding, given I am also on blood thinners!  

It felt like I was literally being drained of my life force, of life..a real clearing out of the past in my womb.  Maybe connected to my visit to the sacred circles?   This is a repeat of what happened a year or two after I first awakened.  This time it is also bringing up stuff around my miscarriages, my femininity, my fertility and purpose as a woman on a human, physical level.

Having been resting up and hibernating a little, I have been able to finalise my book.  Reading through and writing the final chapter, allowing me to delve so much deeper, uncovering things that I thought had been cleared.

It has now been sent off to the Publishers and things have since gone a bit quiet!

I have been going through a bit of stuff about whether I actually want my story out there.  I got a lot of flack for starting a blog and writing as I do, what will my book do?  People that haven't gone through a similar journey can be quite judgmental and what I write can push peoples buttons, push their conditioning and boundaries.   Am I ready for that challenge?    Hey, that is my life you might say, I have that in any case...but this feels more 'out there'.    I have been having my doubts that I can actually do this.  Once it is on the net as an ebook, its there forever.  It feels like whatever I may want to do in the future, it might come back to bite me?  But then I reason, well I don't hide my past in any case from anyone?  I am who I am!   hmmmmm....

In any case, the publisher guy has gone quiet!!  Yes, my story is revealing, revealing about me and my life..but it also (hopefully) allows the reader to see something else, a deeper meaning, to feel some truth in how they live their own life or how they could live their life fully, in truth.  We will see how it all transpires.  I had hoped to have it all done by the time I visit Ireland in a couple of weeks but we will see.

I am going on a short retreat, staying with an Irish sister, hopefully visiting some stone circles and today I heard Amma is going to be over there at the same time as well.  Maybe a visit to see her as I haven't seen her for many years.    I cant wait to feel the land, breathe the Irish air and spend some time away from here.

Namaste.

X

Irritation or message to clear out and be ready for the new?

Returned from an amazing retreat to an infestation of fleas in my cottage!  :(

As milo my dog had been looked after away from home, the little lovelies had a bit of a breeding frenzy in the hot weather...and waited for the first blood feast to enter!   :)

So a quick 'retreat'. (Lol) and stayed elsewhere for the night... Pest control came and worked their magic and I can return to the cottage tomorrow...   My cottage feels like it has had a mega clean out...shifting of energy out.  Ready for the new!

So... Fleas... All about Metamorphosis.  The Ability to alter time within the life cycle, Ability to trigger a birth process by the use of light, vibration, or the various components of air.   :). Alchemists!

Namaste

Ps.. The retreat?  A very subtle but still profound 12 days..  Much seeing about the need to be who I am..regardless of whether the seeming 'other' is aware of who they are or not!  More authentic....no monitoring or adapting protecting either my self or theirs... As we are all one!

Retreat and fireflies...

Well...  On an amazing retreat in Tuscany right now.  Just a few days in and hotting up nicely.  Still on crutches for slopes and rocky paths..but all good.  Humbling to accept support from others...watching the play of self being 'independent' and also the honouring of the gift of others in their wish to assist...that is love.

Tonight a group of us watched the fireflies at play in the field and the trees,,,beautiful,  then a beautiful lady managed to catch one to show us a close up. As it was released, it flew onto my neck and crawled into my shawl...it glowed all the way, every few seconds.

Amazingly, it stayed over my heart for a few minutes.  We tried to capture the sight in a picture which was unsuccessful.  I caught it and it crawled up my arm before flying away into the trees... Truly a magical moment.

Meaning of firefly...

This is about light, illumination,   An ordinary looking creature during the day, the firefly is a remarkable sight when it glows at night.  It uses light for communication.    This is a symbolic message to us humans..that although our physical appearance may seem one way, it is our internal makings, what is inside us, that makes us shine from the inside out.

That which is with us will always illuminate us and those around us.


A powerful message for me as at times these past few months, I have become uncomfortable with how my human body is looking through being housebound and not being able to exercise....whilst at the same time KNOWING that the light within shines through...through my movement, through my eyes, through my smile..  Thank you Firefly for this reminder..

Namaste
X