I am sitting here on the last day of the year 2010...amazing year of growth and learning..
Bad health, good health, friends leaving, saying goodbye to the Guru, new home, finding love, losing love, finding Mother Serpent, deepening in her power..
I am so grateful for all those that have supported me and shown me love in their reflections.
No more looking back...wasting energy...2011.... phew!
Namaste
XX
Friday, 31 December 2010
Wednesday, 29 December 2010
Musings on Love!
A foggy, misty day here in Worcestershire! The snow has practically gone, Milo flatly refuses to go out and hogging the settee, cosy by the fire. So we are both hibernating.
Musings at the moment amongst my friends with some familiar stories... man saying that he loves a woman but not IN love with her... Man saying 'just wants to be friends'...not ready etc etc... Woman feels these words so...much pain is caused. Same old cycles and patterns....
One of my male friends has just come through an experience and he has given me permission to share a recent email he sent me:
"The key learning is that it is an illusion for me to believe that Love only comes into my Life through a woman that I am in 'relationship' with. This belief as well as being untrue puts too much pressure on 'her' and expects her to live up to something that is impossible. Love is within me and all around me and I find it particularly easy to connect with in nature or in the creative arts such as dance and music. When I connect with this then the 'personal' Love that I may receive from another is like the icing on the cake, or a picture frame that brings out the beauty of a magnificent painting.
My old belief meant that once the newness and passion of a new relationship began to slip into the inevitable more familiar next stages of relationship there would be a voice within saying to me:
'"This will end, you will not find what you seek with this woman, so you may as well walk away. You are dishonouring her by being with her, you are just waiting for 'the one' and she is not 'the one'. A real man would walk away. It is unfair to be with her just till something better comes up. You cannot stay with her for fear of being alone. Leave her and do what you must. Perhaps the next woman will be 'the one'. "
Now, while the voice is true in that she alone will not give me what I seek, that is a Life of Love, it is untrue in leading me to believe that another woman will be able to. The children's story and countless sages tell of the 'Treasure Within' and while we spend our time searching the depths of the ocean and the highest mountains all the time The Treasure lies within. The Treasure of real Love lies within. The place where we refuse to look!!! Where I refused to look....until now.
It is clear that the myth of finding Love through our relationship with the opposite sex is sustained by society through Hollywood films etc.
I see that I do not need to cause us both pain by leaving something that is beautiful. I do not need to be so hard, so black and white. The journey of Love is not linear. It is not ends and beginnings. It is a dance. If one of us should meet another then so be it. We will share and talk and decide how to be with that if and when it happens. But I am not unconsciously or consciously seeking, waiting for 'the one' any more. My focus is on the Love within me and around me."
Insights indeed - thank you beautiful man..
As woman we also hold a 'romantic' view of love..hollywood style.fairytale story - expecting a knight in shining armour to collect us in his arms...take off with us in the sunset.. happy ever after! but weigh this up against the true yearning of wanting man to have the courage to lose his 'independance' and step right in... fully in... so painful when he doesnt, isnt able to for whatever reason.
Woman, we must take responsibility for our power...connect with Mother, nature, love that is us..without the need for physical man. Woman is love. However, when that man is physically there, to be soft, vulnerable and surrendered...giving him the space to be the man he truly is. Patience, tolerance, enouragement, humbleness, openness to what is..how it is, no matter how it looks... all part of learning, growth, human evolution.
Musings at the moment amongst my friends with some familiar stories... man saying that he loves a woman but not IN love with her... Man saying 'just wants to be friends'...not ready etc etc... Woman feels these words so...much pain is caused. Same old cycles and patterns....
One of my male friends has just come through an experience and he has given me permission to share a recent email he sent me:
"The key learning is that it is an illusion for me to believe that Love only comes into my Life through a woman that I am in 'relationship' with. This belief as well as being untrue puts too much pressure on 'her' and expects her to live up to something that is impossible. Love is within me and all around me and I find it particularly easy to connect with in nature or in the creative arts such as dance and music. When I connect with this then the 'personal' Love that I may receive from another is like the icing on the cake, or a picture frame that brings out the beauty of a magnificent painting.
My old belief meant that once the newness and passion of a new relationship began to slip into the inevitable more familiar next stages of relationship there would be a voice within saying to me:
'"This will end, you will not find what you seek with this woman, so you may as well walk away. You are dishonouring her by being with her, you are just waiting for 'the one' and she is not 'the one'. A real man would walk away. It is unfair to be with her just till something better comes up. You cannot stay with her for fear of being alone. Leave her and do what you must. Perhaps the next woman will be 'the one'. "
Now, while the voice is true in that she alone will not give me what I seek, that is a Life of Love, it is untrue in leading me to believe that another woman will be able to. The children's story and countless sages tell of the 'Treasure Within' and while we spend our time searching the depths of the ocean and the highest mountains all the time The Treasure lies within. The Treasure of real Love lies within. The place where we refuse to look!!! Where I refused to look....until now.
It is clear that the myth of finding Love through our relationship with the opposite sex is sustained by society through Hollywood films etc.
I see that I do not need to cause us both pain by leaving something that is beautiful. I do not need to be so hard, so black and white. The journey of Love is not linear. It is not ends and beginnings. It is a dance. If one of us should meet another then so be it. We will share and talk and decide how to be with that if and when it happens. But I am not unconsciously or consciously seeking, waiting for 'the one' any more. My focus is on the Love within me and around me."
Insights indeed - thank you beautiful man..
As woman we also hold a 'romantic' view of love..hollywood style.fairytale story - expecting a knight in shining armour to collect us in his arms...take off with us in the sunset.. happy ever after! but weigh this up against the true yearning of wanting man to have the courage to lose his 'independance' and step right in... fully in... so painful when he doesnt, isnt able to for whatever reason.
Woman, we must take responsibility for our power...connect with Mother, nature, love that is us..without the need for physical man. Woman is love. However, when that man is physically there, to be soft, vulnerable and surrendered...giving him the space to be the man he truly is. Patience, tolerance, enouragement, humbleness, openness to what is..how it is, no matter how it looks... all part of learning, growth, human evolution.
Monday, 27 December 2010
Sales..Cooking...chilling..
Ventured out to the sales today.. lasted 30 mins! got what I needed and escaped the scrums!
Someone coming to visit later so busy cooking a meal.. lots of yummy things... looking forward to seeing them!
The guy I met on the retreat a few weeks ago cant come back to see me as he's in bed with flu - hmmm! bad timing... Although it was good to have that break after such an intensive time doing those practices...feel ready to go into them deeper! Looks like though, I will spend the rest of the 'holiday' leading up to my birthday largely on my own.. which is ok.. because I am determined to get my tax return done! :)
Birthday - what birthday..forget I mentioned it.. I aint getting any older...I'm staying the age I am thanks!
Namaste
X
Someone coming to visit later so busy cooking a meal.. lots of yummy things... looking forward to seeing them!
The guy I met on the retreat a few weeks ago cant come back to see me as he's in bed with flu - hmmm! bad timing... Although it was good to have that break after such an intensive time doing those practices...feel ready to go into them deeper! Looks like though, I will spend the rest of the 'holiday' leading up to my birthday largely on my own.. which is ok.. because I am determined to get my tax return done! :)
Birthday - what birthday..forget I mentioned it.. I aint getting any older...I'm staying the age I am thanks!
Namaste
X
Sunday, 26 December 2010
Boxing Day!
Well this is a funny old Christmas to me this year... this is the first time in my life that I have woken up in a house on my own on Christmas Day..and I noticed it!
Although I am not Christian and really, it was just an ordinary day...it did feel weird.. I could hear next door all excited opening up their pressies...and could sense most of this side of the planet doing the same thing!
I decided to go to my parents after all - it felt right so I dug the car out and got over there for a few hours...was perfect and returned home before dark.
So today, boxing Day... and freezing outside... cant get warm! spent the day watching TV, dvd's listening to music and filing! yes filing! getting ready to do my tax return which is now on my list next to do!
Mulled wine on the stove... hey.. just heard more snow on Monday night! jeez.........!
Although I am not Christian and really, it was just an ordinary day...it did feel weird.. I could hear next door all excited opening up their pressies...and could sense most of this side of the planet doing the same thing!
I decided to go to my parents after all - it felt right so I dug the car out and got over there for a few hours...was perfect and returned home before dark.
So today, boxing Day... and freezing outside... cant get warm! spent the day watching TV, dvd's listening to music and filing! yes filing! getting ready to do my tax return which is now on my list next to do!
Mulled wine on the stove... hey.. just heard more snow on Monday night! jeez.........!
Friday, 24 December 2010
Christmas Eve! All very quiet.....
Not feeling quite so meloncholy today.. went for an amazing walk with Milo..beautiful snowy scenes. Even tried out sledging..but you know, the snow is too deep, it kept getting stuck!
Meditation today was wonderful, surrendered and peaceful.
Next door really pushing me to join them tomorrow.. but its a big family! I feel that I 'ought' to try to get to see my parents..but they say they will worry about me driving.. what to do! (as Osho apparently used to say)
Wherever I will be will be the right place..
Enjoy everyone in this blogging world!
Namaste!
Meditation today was wonderful, surrendered and peaceful.
Next door really pushing me to join them tomorrow.. but its a big family! I feel that I 'ought' to try to get to see my parents..but they say they will worry about me driving.. what to do! (as Osho apparently used to say)
Wherever I will be will be the right place..
Enjoy everyone in this blogging world!
Namaste!
Thursday, 23 December 2010
Xmas Eve Eve.....Healing thoughts..
Lots of snow still around here.... decisions to make about where to be on Saturday, if anywhere. Parents dont want me to travel to them - it feels that I ought to be with family. It will be only the 2nd xmas not seeing them - feels funny but practical!
Next door, landlord/farm have invited me to join in with the get together which sounds like a huge affair with lots of people ,food, and games - which I will love but...
Christmas just doesnt seem to matter really..
Explored the woods though for lots of lovely pine branches, holly, ferns and mistletoe to decorate my lounge! Have to say I love it.. but dont think anyone will see it..sohave taken some pics - although they didnt come out very well due to the light. But you get the idea!
Spent an hour or so meditating, doing cobra breath and chi gong exercises.. and sending healing/light to someone I love who as far as I know went though one of their fears yesterday. Very peaceful and beautiful space.
I changed afterwards into something nice for me...and tears suddenly appeared from nowhere.. the deep! Coming again now... for loss of loved ones, lovers that have come and gone, family, my babies - suddenly occured to me that the first one would have been around 7/8 now, the youngest 2/3... ideal ages for enjoying the 'traditional family christmas'... Is that what I still want? Is it too late for that? My parents lives would have been so different - I feel so much guilt. Yes but, look at my life - am I really better off than the young couple next door with first babies Christmas, running a farm/holiday complex, following the family tradition, not breaking out of what is expected of them.... Lots of stirrings going on for me at the moment... Just watching them go through... I sigh!
Woh!
Namaste!
Next door, landlord/farm have invited me to join in with the get together which sounds like a huge affair with lots of people ,food, and games - which I will love but...
Christmas just doesnt seem to matter really..
Explored the woods though for lots of lovely pine branches, holly, ferns and mistletoe to decorate my lounge! Have to say I love it.. but dont think anyone will see it..sohave taken some pics - although they didnt come out very well due to the light. But you get the idea!
Spent an hour or so meditating, doing cobra breath and chi gong exercises.. and sending healing/light to someone I love who as far as I know went though one of their fears yesterday. Very peaceful and beautiful space.
I changed afterwards into something nice for me...and tears suddenly appeared from nowhere.. the deep! Coming again now... for loss of loved ones, lovers that have come and gone, family, my babies - suddenly occured to me that the first one would have been around 7/8 now, the youngest 2/3... ideal ages for enjoying the 'traditional family christmas'... Is that what I still want? Is it too late for that? My parents lives would have been so different - I feel so much guilt. Yes but, look at my life - am I really better off than the young couple next door with first babies Christmas, running a farm/holiday complex, following the family tradition, not breaking out of what is expected of them.... Lots of stirrings going on for me at the moment... Just watching them go through... I sigh!
Woh!
Namaste!
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Solstice Greetings, Cobra breath Power...
Happy Solstice to you all!
No sleep at all for me last night..and this morning up and about for the eclipse at Sunrise - beautiful energy..didnt see anything as we had snow clouds over Worcestershire.
I did a Cobra Breath Meditation followed by some chi gong exercises - wonderful. During my chi-gong exercise (working on my lungs), I saw in front of me a black figure, sitting crossed legged in yoga position...and it/he had a huge penis! It glowed red and then it moved through the chakras upwards - turning into a flame as it went..right up through the Crown. Powerful!
No sleep at all for me last night..and this morning up and about for the eclipse at Sunrise - beautiful energy..didnt see anything as we had snow clouds over Worcestershire.
I did a Cobra Breath Meditation followed by some chi gong exercises - wonderful. During my chi-gong exercise (working on my lungs), I saw in front of me a black figure, sitting crossed legged in yoga position...and it/he had a huge penis! It glowed red and then it moved through the chakras upwards - turning into a flame as it went..right up through the Crown. Powerful!
Monday, 20 December 2010
Phew! A surreal two weeks....
Havent written for nearly two weeks - feels like I've been in a time-warp as it only seems like a couple of days have passed! But its been almost two weeks where I have done little 'paid' work,not slept much, havent done anything for xmas - not even bought a card!
After connecting with a beautiful soul at the last retreat I did a couple of weeks ago, we have spent many days practising rituals, pujas, cobra breath exercises - very intense at times, with wonderful food, laughter and yes, a few tears mixed in as well! I cant talk about it all too much but I have learned so much and experienced such beautiful energies..it is a journey I wish to go deeper into. But now, back to 'normal' life at least for a few days until Christmas!
Christmas I feel is cancelled this year - I am snowed in now with enough food (hopefully) to keep me going for a week. If I am honest, my thoughts have not been present entirely..I have been allowing my mind to wander into the past, past loves, past Christmas time and its shaken me the depth of sadness I still feel. Pretty annoying too..but I wont beat myself up too much. Life is the way it is... I have food, (even some wine!) and enough paperwork, tax return and filing to keep me occupied for days! That coupled with sledging albeit on my own will keep me busy and hopefully away from such meloncholy thoughts! AHHH! I also have you my dear blog!
Now for a cuppa!
After connecting with a beautiful soul at the last retreat I did a couple of weeks ago, we have spent many days practising rituals, pujas, cobra breath exercises - very intense at times, with wonderful food, laughter and yes, a few tears mixed in as well! I cant talk about it all too much but I have learned so much and experienced such beautiful energies..it is a journey I wish to go deeper into. But now, back to 'normal' life at least for a few days until Christmas!
Christmas I feel is cancelled this year - I am snowed in now with enough food (hopefully) to keep me going for a week. If I am honest, my thoughts have not been present entirely..I have been allowing my mind to wander into the past, past loves, past Christmas time and its shaken me the depth of sadness I still feel. Pretty annoying too..but I wont beat myself up too much. Life is the way it is... I have food, (even some wine!) and enough paperwork, tax return and filing to keep me occupied for days! That coupled with sledging albeit on my own will keep me busy and hopefully away from such meloncholy thoughts! AHHH! I also have you my dear blog!
Now for a cuppa!
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
Returning Home...phew....
Been away from home for over a week when I was only really expected to be gone a weekend! Poor Milo has almost forgotten me I think.. but he seems pleased to be home too running around the frosty land with his mate Danny.
The scenary is stunning right now.. minus 12 and the trees are all dripping white.. and I have left my Camera in Wiltshire! Still, reminds me to be present and in the moment..
A surreal week away, with new friends, lovely energies, new practices, meditations, Puja's, sufi dance, yoga, wonderful food and play! :) So much to write that I cant write it...
I feel radiant and complete...
Namaste.
Lisa.x
The scenary is stunning right now.. minus 12 and the trees are all dripping white.. and I have left my Camera in Wiltshire! Still, reminds me to be present and in the moment..
A surreal week away, with new friends, lovely energies, new practices, meditations, Puja's, sufi dance, yoga, wonderful food and play! :) So much to write that I cant write it...
I feel radiant and complete...
Namaste.
Lisa.x
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