Re-cog-nition.... retreat bliss.

I have just taken a small retreat with the teacher I once lived with..to be physically in his presence again, meeting his eyes, being into god..the one god...I cannot put into words...true communion.

There was such a depth of trust, honesty, mutual respect, communion..full re cog nition..knowing that this place was home.

I felt so joyful inside, my heart sang..with ecstacy, just sharing the energy and soaking up the transmission into the depths of my being, my body..on all levels of consciousness.  No need for words between us...being knew.

During the retreat I was in a state of bliss, and there was no need to move around the group..no need for conversation, social interaction..I just observed the one consciousness in its many forms...circulating and flowing, its many colours and depths...  beautiful.

I delayed taking my medications so that I could be more 'awake' during satsang...but when I did, underneath the usual dullness of every cell in my body, the veil that seems to shroud my body after the pills...underneath that..was the humming of oneness..and bliss state.  So magical.

There were two insights that took place..the first one being that how others can perceive or project something onto others..based on their own position.  I seemed to have been seen by one person that I was very sad and unhappy...I presume this was because I had kept myself to myself, sitting quietly most of the time in bliss...and somehow, this had caused some energy to arise in them.  On hearing this, I was a little taken aback..for that was so far removed from what I was actually experiencing within.   I wondered if what they had seen was the veil of medication overtaking my physical body...or in fact a projection based on how they were feeling and their own expectations of how someone should be... it doesnt really matter either way.. what took place..it took place for a purpose..perfection.


The other was following something that was said in satsang...  I saw that I had become 'jaded' with man..a little tired of the masculine not being able to stay on the path of love..when the structures start to collapse, when life has to become more real..more conscious...past coming up to transform..in love.  Without seeing it, I had a little tiny lock, on a corner of my heart...checking out whether the 'next man' would be any different...  UGH!    That has to open..has to go.... it is my purpose to love unconditionally..fully open hearted...nothing in this life is for ME...its for god..for evolution..for being, for source.

I returned to my daily life with more honesty and courage to open up fully again, fully naked once more, to allow the masculine to truly see me..without reserving any bit of me..  conscious relationship...if a man and a woman can commit to that path...regardless of the outcome...then life will unfold it beautifully..  humanity needs this...the earth would love it!

Namaste

X

p.s. yesterday whilst sat in this wonderful sunshine with a beautiful man...heartwarming to see and feel the masculine moving and loving in life in a more conscious and real way...a grasshopper jumped onto my chest.    I looked that up....here's what it said..  :)

Grasshopper Symbology -- The grasshopper is associated with astral travel. They have the ability to leap through time and into space where the true mysteries of life exist. People with this medicine have the wisdom necessary to overcome obstacles efficiently and are able to jump into successful ventures without preparation or planning. When the grasshopper appears to us we are being asked to take a leap of faith and jump forward into a specific area of life without fear. Usually that specific area is one that we have avoided and is often connected to change on a larger scale. This can represent a change in location, relationships, career or just in the way we perceive ourselves.

 Grasshoppers can only jump forward....not backward, or sideways. So, when grasshopper shows up he could be reaffirming to you that you are taking the right steps to move forward in your current situation. Or it could be that he is telling you to go ahead and move forward, getting past what is hindering you. This is why grasshopper is the symbol of good luck all over the world. Grasshopper's ability to connect and understand sound vibrations is why he is also a symbol of your inner voice. he could be telling you to trust yours.

Healing continues...motherhood..

Another while since I last blogged...to be honest just getting on with life, new connections and endeavouring to continue to heal.  The fatigue has been the main issue over the last few weeks...I never really appreciated what fatigue felt like before....  ugh!

Last week as part of a ŵorkshop someone asked me to simply stroke their feet...within five minutes I was exhausted..every muscle ached and I had to stop. I cried and beat myself up internally and verbally...saying its not right..I used to be able to do many massages a day and now I can't even stroke a foot! Humbling experience illness....much to surrender to.

A while a ago I wrote about motherhood etc and this has continued somewhat over the last few weeks.  This is hard to write as I feel grief over all the children I have lost.both in miscarriage and through separations in partnerships. 

Last week with my Transcendence family, during an exercise/meditation that I have done so many times before..something new came through me.   It was an exercise where you state how the opposite gender has 'hurt' you...you project these statements onto an imaginary screen which someone of the opposite gender sat opposite to witness.    As I had done this many times before, I speak on behalf of all women and 'thought' I had exhausted and transformed all my personal stuff.   However, this time, I said 'you have taken away all my children'...it was a powerful statement to make..and I felt it in every cell...I cried and shook my head.  My partner in the exercise sat in stillness and held space beautifully. 

Of course, I know the reality that life happens, it is not 'mans' fault, people, including children come and have to leave...however, the emotions I felt in my body were real.    A friend reminded me after when I shared this, that I had said last week... "how many more children will I come to love and then I have to let go"...  I'd forgotten that.

I am grateful that I am conscious and aware of what is real and can explore these emotions and feelings... I have met someone with children living with him and I can see that I am wary... not only of getting involved with someone again but also of the fact that there are children there as well.  I do not want to come from a place of fear and this is the first time that I have felt such wariness...I will keep softening and surrender to how life unfolds..

Healing continues in so many ways...

Namaste...

Absence from blogging! Forgiveness....

Another absence from blogging...been continuing to heal nicely..although had to up the medications under direction of the consultants!  :(

Its been a couple of weeks of connections from the past coming forth, tidying up of loose ends that I was not aware of, forgiveness etc... 

I discovered that I still had an old FB profile page that I no longer used..which meant that I was still connected to some people from my past that I am no longer in contact with.  Lovely to see an old flame looking so gloriously happy in his new life...a lovely warm energy which showed me how far I have come since we split.    Discovered some amazing photos of Milo that I didnt know existed too so downloaded them to disc..before finally deleting that old page.

After my trip to the consultant last week, I stayed with my friends at Transcendance...wonderful and nourishing as always.  At the weekend, I intended to go to Glastonbury to explore, shop and attend a Crystal Bowl Group Session... however, before all that, I was told about a Mexican Healer named Maestro Constantino who was also going to be in Glastonbury the same day.  well it was donation only and I had nothing to lose...

My friend and I turned up at the house...shown into a very hot room with a group of about 20 others.  It was sweltering...we were so so hot.  When Maestro came into the room, he was dressed in jumpers, hats, scarf, poncho..all you could see was his eyes.  They had a lovely energy and he proceeded to work around the room with his healings...   I wasnt so sure...with me, he just touched my heart and sat me down.  After we were told that if we could not afford to pay a donation then we should go home and 'forgive' someone..I immediately thought of my ex partner...regardless of how I have felt dis hounoured..I can forgive.

We left and I felt really funny...needed food.... and went into a local cafe to eat...and who was there...yes, the ex partner, with new GF, and his two children- serendipity or what!   The little girl came running up to me..and we hugged each other so tight...so wonderful to see her again.   After courteous greetings, she came and sat with me whilst having lunch...  the whole thing very surreal but lovely and it all felt perfect.  I was left a bit cosmic-ed out though..very spacy and I had a real burning fire in my belly..rising up my body.  Very faint..

Afterwards as originally planned, we went to the cyrstal bowl session...and I wasnt sure if I should stay, I felt so so weird.  I couldnt work out if this was the mexican healing, the cafe experience or even the medications I had taken earlier that day....

Regardless, I stayed with it..within the first few minutes, the fire in my belly calmed..and I went into deep meditation.  Wonderful experience...my body jerked a few times...and the final time, I felt a pain in my heart chakra...and then I opened my eyes.  Everything was clearer, I felt calm, the fire in my belly had gone and I felt grounded.  Thank you Jen Jen... I hope to hear your bowls again soon...x

On the way back to my friends house, I kept thinking of the little girl, young woman that I had connected with so deeply last year.  I then thought of all the childrens' lives I had been blessed to be part of...whilst not having birthed myself, I was and am still 'mother'...  deeply grateful for this experience..  I looked from the car window and we passed another car with the numberplate 'mum' on it....  hmmm! life is funny..  :)

Now....time of my moon...hibernating a little in my cocoon..  welcoming in the new..trying not to be so wary and cautious....much love I am receiving from life, from friends, from the masculine.  Namaste.

x

More healing....

Another Long absence from blogging.... Have been healing nicely hopefully..building up my stamina and fitness slowly.

Still lots of stuff surrounding motherhood occurring. A little while ago an ex client of mine asked me if I would do some reflexology on her, to induce her labour. She was a little overdue and I had helped her in this way before. I was hesitant due to my fitness and energy levels but synchronicities kept happening between us as so I agrees to do it as a friend. I was intrigued as to whether I would be able to intuit the energy...And it was amazing.. I found that I could communicate directly with the baby, feel its spine and head..gently encouraging it to ease into the world. Beautiful experience.

 And then I met an ex partner of mine and his girlfriend at the chalet we both still share. We initially bought the chalet after travelling in Europe and I fell pregnant and needed a base in the uk. It was all we could afford to live in and it was to be our family base. Sadly, I lost that baby, together with a handful of other souls whilst living there. To see him and his partner at the chalet, bringing in new energy into the space was bittersweet. Of course, it is wonderful, she is a beautiful, blossoming mother and when I hugged her and her bump, there was nothing but love and sisterhood between us..but then as we all sat looking at the river, talking...I couldn't help but notice a stirring within, of sadness and loss. It wasn’t until later that day, when I sent him an email, the emotions and grief surfaced and released. In my sharing of this in my email...whilst the sensitivity of it could Have been a source of separation, it has actually become a source of connection. Remarkable...and humbling.

 In amongst the last couple of weeks, there has been little cocooning... I have been away, visiting friends, trying Out new things, new connections :), exploring ideas on healing, attending events and having friends stay with me. Seems very busy and It has been. Seems that life didn't want me to hibernate in my cocoon after all..even ejected me one night with flickering a light on and off whilst I was trying to sleep in there!  Spooky Friday 13th Phenomena.

I have been inspired by watching the healing matrix movie, about quantum physics..the 'new' science that says that all disease and illness is caused by distortion in our energy field...and with intention, this can be transformed. Many doctors and scientists speaking of their particular modality...much impressive research. I do feel like I am On some sort of hamster wheel though... Haven’t I done that, been there? Got frustrated..and of course, that very Frustration is a negative emotion that can cause distortion! Aarrrrgghhh!

More surrender and acceptance....

In any case, I am researching each of the modalities’ it talks about, have written to the doctors and scientists Based in the uk.. Will see if any particular one draws me... I just know there is a key there somewhere..

Will feed back on this soon..

Namaste X

Friends..Sound Healing

Just spent a lovely weekend with friends, preparing food for a retreat that was taking place at Transcendence.   At the end of the weekend, the course participants did some sound healing on me.  I lay down in the middle of the room, under crystals, whilst people around me made sounds, om ing on my chakras and feet and hands. 

Very powerful healing...the vibrations from the sounding on my body was very powerful...especially when on my throat and solar plexus.   Even more profound was the way in which one woman sat at my head and I lay my head between her legs.  I was touching her yoni ŵith my crown chakra..we were all fully clothed!  It was very powerful to realise that I had never been between a womens legs before!  This might sound funny, but it was profound for me to feel that connection with woman...i had been birthed by caesarian..and had never experienced the power of the mothers' yoni....there was so much energy transmitting through my crown...so much shakti power.  Very touching...and I am grateful for that sharing.

The sounding itself did confirm to me that this is an area that i wish to explore further.  I saw Tim Wheater last week in concert and he talked of healing himself through sound..and I had already booked to attend some gong baths next week.  

 I have such a deep resonance with bowls, gongs and sounding...and i feel that this might be my next step in my healing journey.

Hmmmm......  Will keep you posted.

Namaste

 

x

Spring..Stages of Life!

Wow... what beautiful Spring weather.. I'm not one for the heat of the sun.. but this early spring has been amazing.. have been enjoying recuperating at my retreat and cottage, and enjoying the company of a girl friend and going to a concert/sound healing.

This week there have been many discussions about purpose of life, inspirations, positive attitudes and optimistic outlooks..

One in particular was with my doctor yesterday... he hadnt seen me for a while and was interested in the surgery etc and asked how I was coping  with such a 'rare illness'...he made the sympathetic sounds and showed concern...  saying it must be really hard to face all this, especially without a partner..who was I talking about stuff with etc...   Phew!  I sat there..and thought it was quite funny really... I had been really positive and optimistic about things but appreciated his interest and care.  I told him how I saw things, that I had many friends and family that love and support me and about the RP forum, where the relatively few of us with this, can share information and support each other.    I acknowledged that I sometimes did dip but generally I thought that there were much worse things to have in terms of illness...such as paralysis, a stroke, cancer etc.  He seemed generally pleased that I was so positive.

All good....and then today!

I went again to the doctors to have a routine blood test..laughing at myself for stupidly wearing white today!  All was fine and then this really old lady slowly came in the waiting room....she was so fragile and weak...with two helpers with her.  And yet, she had such determination to get to the seat she chose...amazing inner determination.  I ear-wigged on her conversation and felt such love for this wise, old woman.  She was talking about her new accommodation.. her window outlook etc...

Then came in several pregnant ladies... all at various stages.  There must have been a clinic on... each one smiling, happy..if a little flustered in the heat.  One brought in a baby in her carry cot...every one oohed and arrred over the cradle.    Then a 'busy' mum came in with 4 little girls...all absolutely beautiful from between 3 and 6...  All had long wavy, blondish hair and various dresses, caps and little shoes.  One was called Holly, another Meadow!  What a wonderful name!  Delightful to watch them all playing...wanting the loo, but playing amongst themselves.  They were exactly how I pictured my little girl(s) would look like.,,when i was younger. 

I sat there and saw the various stages of life in front of me...and somewhere out of the depth, I burst into tears! I had no warning...but the tears flowed!  I gulped them down as best as I could..luckily some music was playing and i was at the back but still..it was noticed.  i tried to read posters on the wall, leaflets on the rack..Lots of thoughts came and went...right from wondering if I would reach old age, if so, who would escort me to the doctors, where would I live....then looking at the pregnant ladies..seemingly i would never experience how it is to be fully pregnant in this lifetime...not experience child birth.    Tears kept on coming!

Luckily the nurse called me very soon...I just about made it to her room when the next flow came...I just stood with my head in hands and sobbed..with her calling me sweetheart, touching my arm...showing such concern.   I reassured her I was ok about the blood test...and shared what had over-whelmed me.  Phew!

The nurse not knowing me that well, said about not too late, adoption etc etc... and I had to tell her about my medications which would prevent me trying, my miscarriages in the past, and that realistically was I even fit enough!   I also acknowledged that I am blessed that I have cared for children in my life time and that I have been able to experience so many things because I didnt have children..like travel the world etc.

As quickly as it arose...once i had spoken it to the nurse..it all subsided!  Amazing emotion running through though for those few minutes... another clearing and I am sure some more still to do on that subject.  

The needle hurt today...I must have been ultra sensitive too!

Big sigh...but all good...

Namaste
X

Returning to the body...Dis Ease...

Been spending the last few days getting used to this 'new' body.  I had been feeling quite cut off, hard to feel any energy, less sensitive which I am just not used to...and now feel wonderful.

Interesting to note that after surgery I didnt like my solar plexus area to be touched in any way...I tried to go through the resistence but it was painful for someone even to hover their hand over that area.  This is where the umbilical chord is cut off at birth..it is the energy line to the astral plane...this is where we leave our bodies when we enter sleep and the route in which we return on awakening..     I didnt ever pay much attention to astral travel and the like but I am feeling that I left my body during surgery and although I had returned to some extent....it has taken a while for me to get fully back into my body!  It was definately blocked in some way..or I was resistent to coming back.

My blood sugar levels have also been all over the place...so craving sugar and crappy food!  The solar plexus is also linked to the Throat Chakra..wondering if my body was trying to use food to ground me more?

In any case, with some beautiful loving energy, love making (a most powerful way to bring back energy), gentle encouragement, touch and massage..I now feel more here and so alive..able to cope with the internet a little more and write a blog.  On my own once more, i have returned to my cocoon, self massaging with arnica, lavender, going within, talking with my trachea, immune system, breath work, reading, Chi gong, Tai Chi, The Form..and just being.

So... whilst healing, I am looking at why create a throat problem in the first place.  Throat is about 'hiding my truth'...my throat has been constricted... What in life is constricting me?   Need to express it!  Yes, feel as if I have been there, done that....but feel the desire to re look.. 
 
Dis ease is an agent of transformation...we transform when we re cognise with our deep purpose...not necessarily 'cured'...sometimes it is how it is!

As a start.. for anyone with a dis ease... look at  this question.. "What are the advantages of being ill?"  Be honest!  Its surprising what you write...

For me:

It has given me 'space'...time...
I have received love, support, tenderness, attention
It has taught be empathy for others
It has given me some sort of purpose and identity!
I feel more devotion to life
More awareness
Humbleness
I have learned to be more surrendered and to have acceptance of what is.

Hmmmm...

I could re look at when it all started...any triggers.... yes .. can see things..but still not the whole picture!

I feel Its about me hiding my truth.... can I be ME... express my truth to ALL..including family - parents!  hmmmm....

I also get saddened when I read of others' despondency and distress at their prognosis of an illness...I too have been there..still creeps in occasionally...  I want to talk to them of acceptance and surrender to what is...look at the higher purpose, bigger picture etc...spirituality, tools and meditation, visualisations, exercises etc... but how will this be received?  Is it preachey, lecturing? arrogance, whacky..who am I to say such things?  I think it was only a couple of weeks ago i was so 'down' about having RP..what was the point in surgery if the constriction might come back...there is no cure bla bla bla.. I was telling myself...I am so not perfect!

Yesterday I received an email from someone saying they were inspired by my journey...today someone said they were in 'awe' of my life...  I find it so hard to hear...and accept that I am perceived to be different...I am not..this 'life' is not special...all life is special!  I have spent all my life trying NOT to stand out, to be part of the crowd, hidden, not special - mainly because i was always told as a child that I was 'special' because i was chosen (adopted) etc.  I shake my head!

And yet, I have chosen some 'different' paths..taken opportunities 'out of the norm'...lived in unorthodox ways, even put myself 'out there' by writing a blog!    Paradoxical!  Some may say it is inspiring..others might ignore...a few might well just cut me off...am I ready for that too!  What is all this about? 


Much to explore and I am excited and in trepidation as to the possibilities ahead....much newness entering this life...newness of breath, voice, purpose...courage... Loving it all in this moment.

Namaste
X