Been an age since I last wrote! Unfortunately the health issues have
continued and I did end up with some blood clots in my leg to deal with
along with an on going cold. Luckily the clots were in the
superficial veins but they were still very painful...it was very
empowering though to be able to do my own heparin injections in my
tummy!
It's a weird time of year for me...it seems there are
always beginning and endings around Christmas time. Throughout my life I
have noticed that that period between Xmas and New year, separations
or drama of some sort happen..and in each late February, early spring, a
new beginning or change of some sort comes into my life. It's actually quite
magical if it wasn't so bloody painful at times. I always hope that
that year is the last year that the pattern repeats. My first ever
relationship..with my birth mother ended soon after birth with a
separation. Between Xmas and new year she was preparing to give birth
to the daughter she already knew she was giving up for adoption eight
weeks later.
A new Being entered my life briefly early Winter
then disappeared over Christmas. That fleeting romance showed me so
much. It showed me how I had built a wall of resistance and distrust of
man..I had built in a radar to hunt out 'controlling' behaviours and it
was astonishing (and actually sickening) to watch me on the look out
for the slightest hint of such behaviour. I knew it wasn't my true self
though as I could witness it as from my ego self...based on past
projection...I was honest and vulnerable in my sharing of this...bless him, his true masculinity in holding that space.
This man got through that wall with perseverance and
gradually I let down my guard..I stepped in fully. Although it was for
only a short time..it was amazing. Maybe I was a fool, duped or even
'played' given the outcome...maybe my initial doubts were actually
founded...I will never know. However, the lesson was about remaining
open to love, trusting and I will endeavour to not re build that wall
again when the times comes. So thank you..you know who you are. :)
2013
was a siginificant year for my spiritual growth..obviously attending a
retreat in Tuscany and a visit to Assisi. My meeting with St Francis
and my return to 'the masters feet' as it were. The master being source
or god, not any particular deity or teacher..the absolute. It was also
where I realised myself and truly became one with everything.
I
have written a book about my journey but have been unsure how to
complete the ending. Initially, it was to end at that point in Tuscany
when I had re dedicated my life to, serving Source..but Source then
'pushed' me into the path of the masculine, showing me to serve
unconditionally, to surrender completely and go beyond any body mind
attraction, for the sake of, the whole, for humanity, for evolution.
This was a whole new ball game for me..to be with a man I was not drawn
to physically..beyond any body mind identity...it has happened twice this year.
I continued to
write about this, about how the feminine presence opened and invited,
about her sadness and her compassion for the masculine who cannot meet
her....but of course, there is no clear cut 'ending', no official finish
line, the journey continues. So I feel that the book will end at
Tuscany, I cannot delay or procrastinate it any longer and I aim to get it 'out there' very soon..
So, thank you to all the readers of my blog...I am so honoured and grateful that you share in my journey.
Let's look forward to 2014...whatever life throws at us... Bring it on!
"KNOW GOD, KNOW PEACE, KNOW YOURSELF!" XXX
Monday, 30 December 2013
Tuesday, 19 November 2013
A Journey of Woman: Overdue Blog...dark night of soul despair to joy. ...
A Journey of Woman: Overdue Blog...dark night of soul despair to joy. ...: It has been a long while since I last wrote. Much has transpired and I needed to surrender to it all and I didn't want to write public...
Overdue Blog...dark night of soul despair to joy. :)
It has been a long while since I last wrote. Much has transpired and I
needed to surrender to it all and I didn't want to write publicly. I
did still write for myself as that is what I do..and I have brought into
this piece the 'ramblings' of the last month or so..
I have had to face numerous health issues...it seems that life wanted me to re-explore health concerns from the past and I have gone through many tests, numerous visits to consultants from different disciplines..blood clots, eye problems, cervical cancer, trachea narrowing, knee injury. As one letter of appointment or concern after another dropped through my door, I sank deeper and deeper..
During this period, I also travelled through a journey of 'spiritual' crises and experienced dark night of the soul stuff. This was to be celebrated...accepted... I had been brought to my knees once more..I am blessed.
I felt so alone and yet knew I was not separate. I felt outside, in excile, in madness, caught between the old and the new possibilities. Projects were not coming through, my life felt stuck and I felt inadequate. I couldnt go back..I would not quit. Along with those feelings of depression, I remembered the unending divine connection..I am that...
Physically as well, my body was screaming..Every muscle, bone and cell seemed to ache so deep that there was no way to get relief and I was so tired all the time. I was and still am spinning out as if I have vertigo. I had to travel many miles to appointments and have unpleasant tests undertaken. Milo had his dog walkers, my mum helped with shopping, I felt like I would never surface..It took tremendous energy not to get into 'poor me' stuff.
My teacher, satsang, books, positive thoughts, friends, possessions, money, music, meditations, even distractions could not not relieve it. Suicide ..not even that...absurd..pills from the doctor for depression...no way, I am beyond this body mind and I didn't want to be robbed of the experience, be numbed in any way.
I trusted in what was happening, knowing it was necessary..I had to surrender to it and just 'be'. After the blissful presence I had entered at Tuscany, I knew that I didn't need to 'feel" that bliss in order to be it. I had to stay with the knowledge of it..it took tremendous energy and devotion. My beloved teacher told me it was the integrative process and It was something not to be rushed...I knew there would be light again.
The majority of the health concerns turned out okay...I had a knowing they would be fine. But its a real test when you are getting told my various 'professional's that they see something amiss, even though you dont believe it.
I had experienced these feelings of despair and loneliness before when I returned from my first ever residential retreat and had my first realisations but that was many many years ago. That time I was married and surrounded by family..but still felt so alone. There was much concern from loved ones who didn't know what to do and I didn't know at the time what was happening to me.
It's a time when you don't belong in the old way of life, yet you don't fit in any other reality either, the new life. We are told that this is a path of joy and yet my life felt empty..and yet again there is also a knowledge that you cannot go back...that would be like going to prison.
There has to be acceptance first, trust and the knowledge that there is no separation, that I am that absolutely..regardless of how it looks or feels.
Slowly the darkness has dispersed..catching glimpses of light and hope. Negative thoughts that had previously washed over me as soon as I opened my eyes could no longer take hold..once more I could breathe! Friends have come and supported me in so many ways.. helped around the house, with Milo, feeding me or just staying with me.. virtual friends from lands afar have listened to my rants and in turn threw light in some very dark places as we share similar health challenges. I thank all my angels! X I have re organised my house, got it in order, chucked out so much 'stuff' on so many levels, getting myself out to communicate with new people.....ready for the new...here it comes! :)
:)
Bringing you all up to date..I have experienced much laughter these last few days...it's been amazing, powerful, beautiful, emotional and I admit even a little scary to catch myself smiling randomly. Much energy has and is being transformed and I am blessed and grateful to all around me, old friends and to new beings arriving in my life! :)
Sunny, crisp, frosty Autumnal day today..magical....ahhh...deep breath! Here goes....to how life unfolds! :)
Namaste
Lissy.x
I have had to face numerous health issues...it seems that life wanted me to re-explore health concerns from the past and I have gone through many tests, numerous visits to consultants from different disciplines..blood clots, eye problems, cervical cancer, trachea narrowing, knee injury. As one letter of appointment or concern after another dropped through my door, I sank deeper and deeper..
During this period, I also travelled through a journey of 'spiritual' crises and experienced dark night of the soul stuff. This was to be celebrated...accepted... I had been brought to my knees once more..I am blessed.
I felt so alone and yet knew I was not separate. I felt outside, in excile, in madness, caught between the old and the new possibilities. Projects were not coming through, my life felt stuck and I felt inadequate. I couldnt go back..I would not quit. Along with those feelings of depression, I remembered the unending divine connection..I am that...
Physically as well, my body was screaming..Every muscle, bone and cell seemed to ache so deep that there was no way to get relief and I was so tired all the time. I was and still am spinning out as if I have vertigo. I had to travel many miles to appointments and have unpleasant tests undertaken. Milo had his dog walkers, my mum helped with shopping, I felt like I would never surface..It took tremendous energy not to get into 'poor me' stuff.
My teacher, satsang, books, positive thoughts, friends, possessions, money, music, meditations, even distractions could not not relieve it. Suicide ..not even that...absurd..pills from the doctor for depression...no way, I am beyond this body mind and I didn't want to be robbed of the experience, be numbed in any way.
I trusted in what was happening, knowing it was necessary..I had to surrender to it and just 'be'. After the blissful presence I had entered at Tuscany, I knew that I didn't need to 'feel" that bliss in order to be it. I had to stay with the knowledge of it..it took tremendous energy and devotion. My beloved teacher told me it was the integrative process and It was something not to be rushed...I knew there would be light again.
The majority of the health concerns turned out okay...I had a knowing they would be fine. But its a real test when you are getting told my various 'professional's that they see something amiss, even though you dont believe it.
I had experienced these feelings of despair and loneliness before when I returned from my first ever residential retreat and had my first realisations but that was many many years ago. That time I was married and surrounded by family..but still felt so alone. There was much concern from loved ones who didn't know what to do and I didn't know at the time what was happening to me.
It's a time when you don't belong in the old way of life, yet you don't fit in any other reality either, the new life. We are told that this is a path of joy and yet my life felt empty..and yet again there is also a knowledge that you cannot go back...that would be like going to prison.
There has to be acceptance first, trust and the knowledge that there is no separation, that I am that absolutely..regardless of how it looks or feels.
Slowly the darkness has dispersed..catching glimpses of light and hope. Negative thoughts that had previously washed over me as soon as I opened my eyes could no longer take hold..once more I could breathe! Friends have come and supported me in so many ways.. helped around the house, with Milo, feeding me or just staying with me.. virtual friends from lands afar have listened to my rants and in turn threw light in some very dark places as we share similar health challenges. I thank all my angels! X I have re organised my house, got it in order, chucked out so much 'stuff' on so many levels, getting myself out to communicate with new people.....ready for the new...here it comes! :)
:)
Bringing you all up to date..I have experienced much laughter these last few days...it's been amazing, powerful, beautiful, emotional and I admit even a little scary to catch myself smiling randomly. Much energy has and is being transformed and I am blessed and grateful to all around me, old friends and to new beings arriving in my life! :)
Sunny, crisp, frosty Autumnal day today..magical....ahhh...deep breath! Here goes....to how life unfolds! :)
Namaste
Lissy.x
Monday, 23 September 2013
A Journey of Woman: All clear..but there was another reason to go to h...
A Journey of Woman: All clear..but there was another reason to go to h...: Well today I was given the 'all clear' ...the hospital scans didnt show up any blood clots so I can now stop injecting myself with b...
All clear..but there was another reason to go to hospital! Such synchronicities! :)
Well today I was given the 'all clear' ...the hospital scans didnt show up any blood clots so I can now stop injecting myself with blood thinners :) Fatigue has subsided today to - so I have just made an Apple Pie with fresh apples from the orchards! :)
BUT...there was a reason I was in hospital today.. The nurse was taking down my medical history and when I mentioned the RP, she put her pen down and looked at me.
I had a shiver go through me and a download of energy and asked her what was wrong. She was having cartliage issues herself and was having trouble getting a diagnosis...ah I said...thats why I am here then! But the 'coincidence' didnt stop there... she asked me who my consultant was in london...as I said Dr D Cruz..she laughed and said she had just heard about him from her dental nurse. I had another download of energy and said..right this is why I am here today! It was my turn to laugh... this dental nurse you go to is she in Evesham by any chance? Yes she said...my god..its you... Yes! I laughed! ...I had told the dental nurse about Dr D Cruz a whilst back as her mother was having similar symptoms.. As it turned out, the nurses had had a conversation about 'me' last week...and the mother was now getting sorted out and the recommendation of Dr Cruz was passed on! Thats how it works!
We were both pretty shocked but then again I wasnt...it was all perfect. Interestingly, she had once lived i the same village as I do now..it does make me wonder if there is something environmental causing this increase in auto-immune issues! I shared some hints, and discussed the fatigue that comes with auto immune stuff etc and she shared her progress thus far with the local rheumys...and she also felt that there would be no blood clots in my system but that we had to go through the motions.
We hugged each other warmly as I left and she thanked me for having passed on the info. This again is another confirmation that life does work out...flow as its meant to...regardless of how it seems at times. On Saturday I was so tired and was feeling pretty 'alone' with it all...I had also heard that day that my sister had got blood clots in her lungs and was having blood thinners. But I knew at the same time, I was okay...it was body mind stuff and I am so much more than that. It was empowering to me to be able to self inject so easily and there was a knowing that whatever symptoms I was showing of clots was really just my cells transforming..
Grateful thanks to the NHS yet again!
Namaste
X
BUT...there was a reason I was in hospital today.. The nurse was taking down my medical history and when I mentioned the RP, she put her pen down and looked at me.
I had a shiver go through me and a download of energy and asked her what was wrong. She was having cartliage issues herself and was having trouble getting a diagnosis...ah I said...thats why I am here then! But the 'coincidence' didnt stop there... she asked me who my consultant was in london...as I said Dr D Cruz..she laughed and said she had just heard about him from her dental nurse. I had another download of energy and said..right this is why I am here today! It was my turn to laugh... this dental nurse you go to is she in Evesham by any chance? Yes she said...my god..its you... Yes! I laughed! ...I had told the dental nurse about Dr D Cruz a whilst back as her mother was having similar symptoms.. As it turned out, the nurses had had a conversation about 'me' last week...and the mother was now getting sorted out and the recommendation of Dr Cruz was passed on! Thats how it works!
We were both pretty shocked but then again I wasnt...it was all perfect. Interestingly, she had once lived i the same village as I do now..it does make me wonder if there is something environmental causing this increase in auto-immune issues! I shared some hints, and discussed the fatigue that comes with auto immune stuff etc and she shared her progress thus far with the local rheumys...and she also felt that there would be no blood clots in my system but that we had to go through the motions.
We hugged each other warmly as I left and she thanked me for having passed on the info. This again is another confirmation that life does work out...flow as its meant to...regardless of how it seems at times. On Saturday I was so tired and was feeling pretty 'alone' with it all...I had also heard that day that my sister had got blood clots in her lungs and was having blood thinners. But I knew at the same time, I was okay...it was body mind stuff and I am so much more than that. It was empowering to me to be able to self inject so easily and there was a knowing that whatever symptoms I was showing of clots was really just my cells transforming..
Grateful thanks to the NHS yet again!
Namaste
X
Sunday, 22 September 2013
A Journey of Woman: St Francis Synchroncities, Blood clots and full ci...
A Journey of Woman: St Francis Synchroncities, Blood clots and full ci...: Well since my last post, much has transpired. Visiting friends in Devon a couple of weeks ago, we watched The Celestine Prophecy - based ...
St Francis Synchroncities, Blood clots and full circles?
Well since my last post, much has transpired.
Visiting friends in Devon a couple of weeks ago, we watched The Celestine Prophecy - based on the books which we had read many years ago. I was not expecting much to be honest..but nearly fell off the sofa when within the first few minutes there were references to St Francis..the statue, a Franciscan priest, the red peace lily... At the end of the film, the three of us just looked at each other...acknowledging the vastness of how humanity is evolving..how we are all part of that evolution.
What is this about St Francis? Before I went to bed, I googled St Francis, UK..and I shouted with surprise! There was a Fransican monastery on the path leading from the chalet I used to live in - still visit! Glasshampton Monastry in Worcestershire. When I lived there, I had walked the path through the woods to their garden, and loved the stained glass windows, statues etc..but hadnt entered. After that, I did more research on St Francis and discovered he was a 'playboy'of sorts..that he was ill twice and then devoted himself to serve god. He gave..and in that he received. I have since written to the Brothers at Glasshampton and have been invited to spend a day with them.
Anyway..on my journey back home from Devon, I listened to a satsang of Bernie's...the cd suddenly jumped and stopped...on came the radio..blasting out an old '80's song by Belinda Carlisle - guess which one! "Heaven is a place on Earth". I laughed so!
Last week's visit to London surgeon went okay..not too concerned as my breathing in tests has been good..but do have to return in October for scans and more tests to examine the trachea closer.
Seems that my body is doing its 'thing' right now as this weekend, I have been 'grounded' at home once more...on Friday following concern from my osteopath, I was in hospital with suspected blood clots..in the same place in my leg/groin as all those years ago..which started my spiritual awakening! Full circle.. I reckon they are being over cautious and feel they wont find anything in my scan on Monday. However, here I am, self-injecting myself with blood thinners - how far I have come in these sixteen years! From refusing treatment, needle phobic to self injecting! Feeling so empowered and today writing again.
Now reading up on Mary Magdalene, St Pio and St Theresa....not sure where all this is leading but following the pull. I am not going to become a devote Christian, a nun....but still. I have chosen the path of relationship..lets see how it unfolds!
Namaste
X
Visiting friends in Devon a couple of weeks ago, we watched The Celestine Prophecy - based on the books which we had read many years ago. I was not expecting much to be honest..but nearly fell off the sofa when within the first few minutes there were references to St Francis..the statue, a Franciscan priest, the red peace lily... At the end of the film, the three of us just looked at each other...acknowledging the vastness of how humanity is evolving..how we are all part of that evolution.
What is this about St Francis? Before I went to bed, I googled St Francis, UK..and I shouted with surprise! There was a Fransican monastery on the path leading from the chalet I used to live in - still visit! Glasshampton Monastry in Worcestershire. When I lived there, I had walked the path through the woods to their garden, and loved the stained glass windows, statues etc..but hadnt entered. After that, I did more research on St Francis and discovered he was a 'playboy'of sorts..that he was ill twice and then devoted himself to serve god. He gave..and in that he received. I have since written to the Brothers at Glasshampton and have been invited to spend a day with them.
Anyway..on my journey back home from Devon, I listened to a satsang of Bernie's...the cd suddenly jumped and stopped...on came the radio..blasting out an old '80's song by Belinda Carlisle - guess which one! "Heaven is a place on Earth". I laughed so!
Last week's visit to London surgeon went okay..not too concerned as my breathing in tests has been good..but do have to return in October for scans and more tests to examine the trachea closer.
Seems that my body is doing its 'thing' right now as this weekend, I have been 'grounded' at home once more...on Friday following concern from my osteopath, I was in hospital with suspected blood clots..in the same place in my leg/groin as all those years ago..which started my spiritual awakening! Full circle.. I reckon they are being over cautious and feel they wont find anything in my scan on Monday. However, here I am, self-injecting myself with blood thinners - how far I have come in these sixteen years! From refusing treatment, needle phobic to self injecting! Feeling so empowered and today writing again.
Now reading up on Mary Magdalene, St Pio and St Theresa....not sure where all this is leading but following the pull. I am not going to become a devote Christian, a nun....but still. I have chosen the path of relationship..lets see how it unfolds!
Namaste
X
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