Tuesday, 4 March 2014
A Journey of Woman: Where did February go??
A Journey of Woman: Where did February go??: It's been quite a couple of months...February seems to have gone by in a blur. Blood clots developed into a DVT and I also have anaemi...
Where did February go??
It's been quite a couple of months...February seems to have gone by in a
blur. Blood clots developed into a DVT and I also have anaemia and
other deficiencies now diagnosed. All that means more Meds added to my
daily regime. I have been housebound with lots of visits to doctors and
hospital for some pretty grim tests and procedures. Have had amazing
support from friends and family..for them I am grateful.
In amongst that, emotionally things have been tough as well... I attended my youngest sister's funeral last week. She had been battling cancer for a long time. The thing is I didn't really know Nicola. I was adopted and I didn't meet her until I searched out my birth mother when I was eighteen. Right back then, when I first met Nicola and our middle sister Lynsey, it was a surprise to find out that they had always known about me, were eager to get to know me. They were both at school at the time, I was in my first job..it was all a bit overwhelming to me to suddenly inherit a new family, sisters, grand mother...aunties, uncles, and cousins that I resembled physically and who knew all about me.
Through the years I have seen them grow up, have families of their own, look out for each other and they have welcomed me with open heart and love whenever we have got together..which sadly I feel now, was not often enough. These last few weeks, I have been unable to visit Nicola due to my own ill health but at least we did get to speak on the telephone briefly a few days before she passed.
It all felt a bit surreal...not being part of the family as such, but deeply feeling that blood connection. My old self stuff of not being wanted, feeling left out, even guilty and had feelings that it should have been me...which is purely selfish...I recognised that. At the end, her passing was peaceful and surrounded by all who have been part of her life and loved her...she is no longer suffering and in pain. There is no separation...she will always be part of me and in my heart.
And for my other sister, Lynsey, whilst I can never replace the bond she has with Nicola...I will be here as 'big sis' whenever she needs.. And for our mother..I am not going anywhere..
On death...and living...
A few weeks ago, when it was thought I might have an embolism as well, there was an evening when I was in a lot of pain, I had an infection, fever, breathlessness and hallucinations. I could hear my heart beat..the one heart beat..and that familiar beat of 'om' ringing.
I knew I was experiencing another full circle.. it had been a blood clot that almost killed me many years ago...it was that that woke me up, changed my life... In that moment, 17 yrs ago, I was not afraid of death..I was surrendering to dying...I was willing to go, even with my family around me pleading otherwise..
That particular evening however, I felt vulnerable in a different way, I was on my own, no family around me pulling me back, ..there were tears..when the hallucinations began, I brought myself back, I wouldn't stay with any fear...
It was not a fear of dying, but of the sadness that I may not LIVE!
Get the difference?
This is what I wrote following that night..
"I want to fulfil my purpose....i want to live fully... I am called to serve humanity... I know who I am, I know beyond this body mind experience and I surrender ever deeper to allowing this body to do its will.... For whatever transpires is the perfect journey!
I yet again have to gently move my self and it's 'wants' out of the way!"
After what happened with Nicola, that experience becomes even more poignant to me..
Ready for my new stage in life to start! :)
In amongst that, emotionally things have been tough as well... I attended my youngest sister's funeral last week. She had been battling cancer for a long time. The thing is I didn't really know Nicola. I was adopted and I didn't meet her until I searched out my birth mother when I was eighteen. Right back then, when I first met Nicola and our middle sister Lynsey, it was a surprise to find out that they had always known about me, were eager to get to know me. They were both at school at the time, I was in my first job..it was all a bit overwhelming to me to suddenly inherit a new family, sisters, grand mother...aunties, uncles, and cousins that I resembled physically and who knew all about me.
Through the years I have seen them grow up, have families of their own, look out for each other and they have welcomed me with open heart and love whenever we have got together..which sadly I feel now, was not often enough. These last few weeks, I have been unable to visit Nicola due to my own ill health but at least we did get to speak on the telephone briefly a few days before she passed.
It all felt a bit surreal...not being part of the family as such, but deeply feeling that blood connection. My old self stuff of not being wanted, feeling left out, even guilty and had feelings that it should have been me...which is purely selfish...I recognised that. At the end, her passing was peaceful and surrounded by all who have been part of her life and loved her...she is no longer suffering and in pain. There is no separation...she will always be part of me and in my heart.
And for my other sister, Lynsey, whilst I can never replace the bond she has with Nicola...I will be here as 'big sis' whenever she needs.. And for our mother..I am not going anywhere..
On death...and living...
A few weeks ago, when it was thought I might have an embolism as well, there was an evening when I was in a lot of pain, I had an infection, fever, breathlessness and hallucinations. I could hear my heart beat..the one heart beat..and that familiar beat of 'om' ringing.
I knew I was experiencing another full circle.. it had been a blood clot that almost killed me many years ago...it was that that woke me up, changed my life... In that moment, 17 yrs ago, I was not afraid of death..I was surrendering to dying...I was willing to go, even with my family around me pleading otherwise..
That particular evening however, I felt vulnerable in a different way, I was on my own, no family around me pulling me back, ..there were tears..when the hallucinations began, I brought myself back, I wouldn't stay with any fear...
It was not a fear of dying, but of the sadness that I may not LIVE!
Get the difference?
This is what I wrote following that night..
"I want to fulfil my purpose....i want to live fully... I am called to serve humanity... I know who I am, I know beyond this body mind experience and I surrender ever deeper to allowing this body to do its will.... For whatever transpires is the perfect journey!
I yet again have to gently move my self and it's 'wants' out of the way!"
After what happened with Nicola, that experience becomes even more poignant to me..
Ready for my new stage in life to start! :)
Thursday, 16 January 2014
A Journey of Woman: Past coming round..completions.. Rural retreats!
A Journey of Woman: Past coming round..completions.. Rural retreats!: First Full Moon of the year! and my, cant we feel it! First blog of the year... much has transitioned since my last entry. Visitors and f...
Past coming round..completions.. Rural retreats!
First Full Moon of the year! and my, cant we feel it! First blog of the year... much has transitioned since my last entry. Visitors and friends have now all left after festivities and birthday, clots dissolved and lurghies disappeared! The New is coming in and there is an optimism surrounding everything...acceptance of what cannot be changed and continued loving of all that is...
Its been a weird old week for me and today I have been hibernating, meditating, writing and reflecting..
Last week I helped out a friend in a demonstration of 'biodanza' for a local Womens' Institute Group..lovely to see how he could command a room of 60 women, aged from their fifties upwards in moving and feeling in ways they had never done before. Many were nervous of looking into each others' eyes, moving with freedom, moving to the different music being played...ALL were beautiful! A few were touched by it as I was and there were tears of recognition of sisterhood and love.
Last weekend, I bumped into my ex hubby..we haven't seen each other for some fifteen years. For what seems like minutes, there was nothing to say..we just looked into each others eyes. When words were spoken it was loving and with a recognition of the journey we have both taken since our separation. A bit surreal to see how his body has changed, hair turned grey and yet his eyes were still as smiley and sparkly as ever they were! After a while, we hugged and said goodbye, he spoke of how great I looked..warmed me with his tenderness.
Then as I was waiting to meet someone in town a few days later, I watched a familiar face walk past me in the street...it was an old friend from when I was married....again, I hadn't seen him for over fifteen years either. Disbelief that it had really been that long since we had all got together as a group of friends, a catch up and again a tender goodbye and wish to be remembered to the others.
Surreal and yet it felt like there was some completion of yet another circle from my past. Out of all the sadness, grief and bitterness surrounding our separation..years later an acknowledgement of love that was always underneath it all. We had been a big part of each of our 'growing up' in life...
A week of action in amongst reflection. My book is nearing the top of my pile to complete and send off (I know said it before!)...and I have now set a date for me to hold the space for a rural retreat. Details of which follow if any of you are interested...lets see how it manifests!
Namaste
Lissy
X
For further details, please message me via Facebook or email me at :
Its been a weird old week for me and today I have been hibernating, meditating, writing and reflecting..
Last week I helped out a friend in a demonstration of 'biodanza' for a local Womens' Institute Group..lovely to see how he could command a room of 60 women, aged from their fifties upwards in moving and feeling in ways they had never done before. Many were nervous of looking into each others' eyes, moving with freedom, moving to the different music being played...ALL were beautiful! A few were touched by it as I was and there were tears of recognition of sisterhood and love.
Last weekend, I bumped into my ex hubby..we haven't seen each other for some fifteen years. For what seems like minutes, there was nothing to say..we just looked into each others eyes. When words were spoken it was loving and with a recognition of the journey we have both taken since our separation. A bit surreal to see how his body has changed, hair turned grey and yet his eyes were still as smiley and sparkly as ever they were! After a while, we hugged and said goodbye, he spoke of how great I looked..warmed me with his tenderness.
Then as I was waiting to meet someone in town a few days later, I watched a familiar face walk past me in the street...it was an old friend from when I was married....again, I hadn't seen him for over fifteen years either. Disbelief that it had really been that long since we had all got together as a group of friends, a catch up and again a tender goodbye and wish to be remembered to the others.
Surreal and yet it felt like there was some completion of yet another circle from my past. Out of all the sadness, grief and bitterness surrounding our separation..years later an acknowledgement of love that was always underneath it all. We had been a big part of each of our 'growing up' in life...
A week of action in amongst reflection. My book is nearing the top of my pile to complete and send off (I know said it before!)...and I have now set a date for me to hold the space for a rural retreat. Details of which follow if any of you are interested...lets see how it manifests!
Namaste
Lissy
X
Come and Join me in a beautiful location in The Teme Valley to learn or deepen in the movement
The Form is a profound instrument of awakening.
Uniquely, it can be practiced alone or shared with another.
Saturday 1st March - Sunday 2nd March - Parts 1 & 2
Monday 3rd March - Tuesday 4th March - Parts 3 & 4
(Parts 1/2 and 3/4 can be taken separately for those only able to attend at the weekend)
Why not immerse yourself in the experience and attend on a residential
basis. Four star accommodation with access to a sauna, hot tub and
therapy room available.
"Begin to see how Source as the "Real You" moves, how the Mystery unfolds and bring this alive
in every moment!"
For further details, please message me via Facebook or email me at :
Monday, 30 December 2013
Year End...Grateful thanks....
Been an age since I last wrote! Unfortunately the health issues have
continued and I did end up with some blood clots in my leg to deal with
along with an on going cold. Luckily the clots were in the
superficial veins but they were still very painful...it was very
empowering though to be able to do my own heparin injections in my
tummy!
It's a weird time of year for me...it seems there are always beginning and endings around Christmas time. Throughout my life I have noticed that that period between Xmas and New year, separations or drama of some sort happen..and in each late February, early spring, a new beginning or change of some sort comes into my life. It's actually quite magical if it wasn't so bloody painful at times. I always hope that that year is the last year that the pattern repeats. My first ever relationship..with my birth mother ended soon after birth with a separation. Between Xmas and new year she was preparing to give birth to the daughter she already knew she was giving up for adoption eight weeks later.
A new Being entered my life briefly early Winter then disappeared over Christmas. That fleeting romance showed me so much. It showed me how I had built a wall of resistance and distrust of man..I had built in a radar to hunt out 'controlling' behaviours and it was astonishing (and actually sickening) to watch me on the look out for the slightest hint of such behaviour. I knew it wasn't my true self though as I could witness it as from my ego self...based on past projection...I was honest and vulnerable in my sharing of this...bless him, his true masculinity in holding that space.
This man got through that wall with perseverance and gradually I let down my guard..I stepped in fully. Although it was for only a short time..it was amazing. Maybe I was a fool, duped or even 'played' given the outcome...maybe my initial doubts were actually founded...I will never know. However, the lesson was about remaining open to love, trusting and I will endeavour to not re build that wall again when the times comes. So thank you..you know who you are. :)
2013 was a siginificant year for my spiritual growth..obviously attending a retreat in Tuscany and a visit to Assisi. My meeting with St Francis and my return to 'the masters feet' as it were. The master being source or god, not any particular deity or teacher..the absolute. It was also where I realised myself and truly became one with everything.
I have written a book about my journey but have been unsure how to complete the ending. Initially, it was to end at that point in Tuscany when I had re dedicated my life to, serving Source..but Source then 'pushed' me into the path of the masculine, showing me to serve unconditionally, to surrender completely and go beyond any body mind attraction, for the sake of, the whole, for humanity, for evolution. This was a whole new ball game for me..to be with a man I was not drawn to physically..beyond any body mind identity...it has happened twice this year.
I continued to write about this, about how the feminine presence opened and invited, about her sadness and her compassion for the masculine who cannot meet her....but of course, there is no clear cut 'ending', no official finish line, the journey continues. So I feel that the book will end at Tuscany, I cannot delay or procrastinate it any longer and I aim to get it 'out there' very soon..
So, thank you to all the readers of my blog...I am so honoured and grateful that you share in my journey.
Let's look forward to 2014...whatever life throws at us... Bring it on!
"KNOW GOD, KNOW PEACE, KNOW YOURSELF!" XXX
It's a weird time of year for me...it seems there are always beginning and endings around Christmas time. Throughout my life I have noticed that that period between Xmas and New year, separations or drama of some sort happen..and in each late February, early spring, a new beginning or change of some sort comes into my life. It's actually quite magical if it wasn't so bloody painful at times. I always hope that that year is the last year that the pattern repeats. My first ever relationship..with my birth mother ended soon after birth with a separation. Between Xmas and new year she was preparing to give birth to the daughter she already knew she was giving up for adoption eight weeks later.
A new Being entered my life briefly early Winter then disappeared over Christmas. That fleeting romance showed me so much. It showed me how I had built a wall of resistance and distrust of man..I had built in a radar to hunt out 'controlling' behaviours and it was astonishing (and actually sickening) to watch me on the look out for the slightest hint of such behaviour. I knew it wasn't my true self though as I could witness it as from my ego self...based on past projection...I was honest and vulnerable in my sharing of this...bless him, his true masculinity in holding that space.
This man got through that wall with perseverance and gradually I let down my guard..I stepped in fully. Although it was for only a short time..it was amazing. Maybe I was a fool, duped or even 'played' given the outcome...maybe my initial doubts were actually founded...I will never know. However, the lesson was about remaining open to love, trusting and I will endeavour to not re build that wall again when the times comes. So thank you..you know who you are. :)
2013 was a siginificant year for my spiritual growth..obviously attending a retreat in Tuscany and a visit to Assisi. My meeting with St Francis and my return to 'the masters feet' as it were. The master being source or god, not any particular deity or teacher..the absolute. It was also where I realised myself and truly became one with everything.
I have written a book about my journey but have been unsure how to complete the ending. Initially, it was to end at that point in Tuscany when I had re dedicated my life to, serving Source..but Source then 'pushed' me into the path of the masculine, showing me to serve unconditionally, to surrender completely and go beyond any body mind attraction, for the sake of, the whole, for humanity, for evolution. This was a whole new ball game for me..to be with a man I was not drawn to physically..beyond any body mind identity...it has happened twice this year.
I continued to write about this, about how the feminine presence opened and invited, about her sadness and her compassion for the masculine who cannot meet her....but of course, there is no clear cut 'ending', no official finish line, the journey continues. So I feel that the book will end at Tuscany, I cannot delay or procrastinate it any longer and I aim to get it 'out there' very soon..
So, thank you to all the readers of my blog...I am so honoured and grateful that you share in my journey.
Let's look forward to 2014...whatever life throws at us... Bring it on!
"KNOW GOD, KNOW PEACE, KNOW YOURSELF!" XXX
Tuesday, 19 November 2013
A Journey of Woman: Overdue Blog...dark night of soul despair to joy. ...
A Journey of Woman: Overdue Blog...dark night of soul despair to joy. ...: It has been a long while since I last wrote. Much has transpired and I needed to surrender to it all and I didn't want to write public...
Overdue Blog...dark night of soul despair to joy. :)
It has been a long while since I last wrote. Much has transpired and I
needed to surrender to it all and I didn't want to write publicly. I
did still write for myself as that is what I do..and I have brought into
this piece the 'ramblings' of the last month or so..
I have had to face numerous health issues...it seems that life wanted me to re-explore health concerns from the past and I have gone through many tests, numerous visits to consultants from different disciplines..blood clots, eye problems, cervical cancer, trachea narrowing, knee injury. As one letter of appointment or concern after another dropped through my door, I sank deeper and deeper..
During this period, I also travelled through a journey of 'spiritual' crises and experienced dark night of the soul stuff. This was to be celebrated...accepted... I had been brought to my knees once more..I am blessed.
I felt so alone and yet knew I was not separate. I felt outside, in excile, in madness, caught between the old and the new possibilities. Projects were not coming through, my life felt stuck and I felt inadequate. I couldnt go back..I would not quit. Along with those feelings of depression, I remembered the unending divine connection..I am that...
Physically as well, my body was screaming..Every muscle, bone and cell seemed to ache so deep that there was no way to get relief and I was so tired all the time. I was and still am spinning out as if I have vertigo. I had to travel many miles to appointments and have unpleasant tests undertaken. Milo had his dog walkers, my mum helped with shopping, I felt like I would never surface..It took tremendous energy not to get into 'poor me' stuff.
My teacher, satsang, books, positive thoughts, friends, possessions, money, music, meditations, even distractions could not not relieve it. Suicide ..not even that...absurd..pills from the doctor for depression...no way, I am beyond this body mind and I didn't want to be robbed of the experience, be numbed in any way.
I trusted in what was happening, knowing it was necessary..I had to surrender to it and just 'be'. After the blissful presence I had entered at Tuscany, I knew that I didn't need to 'feel" that bliss in order to be it. I had to stay with the knowledge of it..it took tremendous energy and devotion. My beloved teacher told me it was the integrative process and It was something not to be rushed...I knew there would be light again.
The majority of the health concerns turned out okay...I had a knowing they would be fine. But its a real test when you are getting told my various 'professional's that they see something amiss, even though you dont believe it.
I had experienced these feelings of despair and loneliness before when I returned from my first ever residential retreat and had my first realisations but that was many many years ago. That time I was married and surrounded by family..but still felt so alone. There was much concern from loved ones who didn't know what to do and I didn't know at the time what was happening to me.
It's a time when you don't belong in the old way of life, yet you don't fit in any other reality either, the new life. We are told that this is a path of joy and yet my life felt empty..and yet again there is also a knowledge that you cannot go back...that would be like going to prison.
There has to be acceptance first, trust and the knowledge that there is no separation, that I am that absolutely..regardless of how it looks or feels.
Slowly the darkness has dispersed..catching glimpses of light and hope. Negative thoughts that had previously washed over me as soon as I opened my eyes could no longer take hold..once more I could breathe! Friends have come and supported me in so many ways.. helped around the house, with Milo, feeding me or just staying with me.. virtual friends from lands afar have listened to my rants and in turn threw light in some very dark places as we share similar health challenges. I thank all my angels! X I have re organised my house, got it in order, chucked out so much 'stuff' on so many levels, getting myself out to communicate with new people.....ready for the new...here it comes! :)
:)
Bringing you all up to date..I have experienced much laughter these last few days...it's been amazing, powerful, beautiful, emotional and I admit even a little scary to catch myself smiling randomly. Much energy has and is being transformed and I am blessed and grateful to all around me, old friends and to new beings arriving in my life! :)
Sunny, crisp, frosty Autumnal day today..magical....ahhh...deep breath! Here goes....to how life unfolds! :)
Namaste
Lissy.x
I have had to face numerous health issues...it seems that life wanted me to re-explore health concerns from the past and I have gone through many tests, numerous visits to consultants from different disciplines..blood clots, eye problems, cervical cancer, trachea narrowing, knee injury. As one letter of appointment or concern after another dropped through my door, I sank deeper and deeper..
During this period, I also travelled through a journey of 'spiritual' crises and experienced dark night of the soul stuff. This was to be celebrated...accepted... I had been brought to my knees once more..I am blessed.
I felt so alone and yet knew I was not separate. I felt outside, in excile, in madness, caught between the old and the new possibilities. Projects were not coming through, my life felt stuck and I felt inadequate. I couldnt go back..I would not quit. Along with those feelings of depression, I remembered the unending divine connection..I am that...
Physically as well, my body was screaming..Every muscle, bone and cell seemed to ache so deep that there was no way to get relief and I was so tired all the time. I was and still am spinning out as if I have vertigo. I had to travel many miles to appointments and have unpleasant tests undertaken. Milo had his dog walkers, my mum helped with shopping, I felt like I would never surface..It took tremendous energy not to get into 'poor me' stuff.
My teacher, satsang, books, positive thoughts, friends, possessions, money, music, meditations, even distractions could not not relieve it. Suicide ..not even that...absurd..pills from the doctor for depression...no way, I am beyond this body mind and I didn't want to be robbed of the experience, be numbed in any way.
I trusted in what was happening, knowing it was necessary..I had to surrender to it and just 'be'. After the blissful presence I had entered at Tuscany, I knew that I didn't need to 'feel" that bliss in order to be it. I had to stay with the knowledge of it..it took tremendous energy and devotion. My beloved teacher told me it was the integrative process and It was something not to be rushed...I knew there would be light again.
The majority of the health concerns turned out okay...I had a knowing they would be fine. But its a real test when you are getting told my various 'professional's that they see something amiss, even though you dont believe it.
I had experienced these feelings of despair and loneliness before when I returned from my first ever residential retreat and had my first realisations but that was many many years ago. That time I was married and surrounded by family..but still felt so alone. There was much concern from loved ones who didn't know what to do and I didn't know at the time what was happening to me.
It's a time when you don't belong in the old way of life, yet you don't fit in any other reality either, the new life. We are told that this is a path of joy and yet my life felt empty..and yet again there is also a knowledge that you cannot go back...that would be like going to prison.
There has to be acceptance first, trust and the knowledge that there is no separation, that I am that absolutely..regardless of how it looks or feels.
Slowly the darkness has dispersed..catching glimpses of light and hope. Negative thoughts that had previously washed over me as soon as I opened my eyes could no longer take hold..once more I could breathe! Friends have come and supported me in so many ways.. helped around the house, with Milo, feeding me or just staying with me.. virtual friends from lands afar have listened to my rants and in turn threw light in some very dark places as we share similar health challenges. I thank all my angels! X I have re organised my house, got it in order, chucked out so much 'stuff' on so many levels, getting myself out to communicate with new people.....ready for the new...here it comes! :)
:)
Bringing you all up to date..I have experienced much laughter these last few days...it's been amazing, powerful, beautiful, emotional and I admit even a little scary to catch myself smiling randomly. Much energy has and is being transformed and I am blessed and grateful to all around me, old friends and to new beings arriving in my life! :)
Sunny, crisp, frosty Autumnal day today..magical....ahhh...deep breath! Here goes....to how life unfolds! :)
Namaste
Lissy.x
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