Where did February go??

It's been quite a couple of months...February seems to have gone by in a blur.  Blood clots developed into a DVT and I also have anaemia and other deficiencies now diagnosed.  All that means more Meds added to my daily regime.  I have been housebound with lots of visits to doctors and hospital for some pretty grim tests and procedures.  Have had amazing support from friends and family..for them I am grateful.

In amongst that, emotionally things have been tough as well... I attended my youngest sister's funeral last week.  She had been battling cancer for a long time.  The thing is I didn't really know Nicola.  I was adopted and I didn't meet her until I searched out my birth mother when I was eighteen.  Right back then, when I first met Nicola and our middle sister Lynsey, it was a surprise to find out that they had always known about me, were eager to get to know me.  They were both at school at the time, I was in my first job..it was all a bit overwhelming to me to suddenly inherit a new family, sisters, grand mother...aunties, uncles, and cousins that I resembled physically and who knew all about me.   

Through the years I have seen them grow up, have families of their own, look out for each other and they have welcomed me with open heart and love whenever we have got together..which sadly I feel now, was not often enough.  These last few weeks, I have been unable to visit Nicola due to my own ill health but at least we did get to speak on the telephone briefly a few days before she passed.

It all felt a bit surreal...not being part of the family as such, but deeply feeling that blood connection.  My old self stuff of not being wanted, feeling left out, even guilty and had feelings that it should have been me...which is purely selfish...I recognised that.  At the end, her passing was peaceful and surrounded by all who have been part of her life and loved her...she is no longer suffering and in pain.  There is no separation...she will always be part of me and in my heart.

And for my other sister, Lynsey, whilst I can never replace the bond she has with Nicola...I will be here as 'big sis' whenever she needs..  And for our mother..I am not going anywhere..

On death...and living...

A few weeks ago, when it was thought I might have an embolism as well, there was an evening when I was in a lot of pain, I had an infection, fever, breathlessness and hallucinations.    I could hear my heart beat..the one heart beat..and that familiar beat of 'om' ringing.

I knew I was experiencing another full circle.. it had been a blood clot that almost killed me many years ago...it was that that woke me up, changed my life... In that moment, 17 yrs ago, I was not afraid of death..I was surrendering to dying...I was willing to go, even with my family around me pleading otherwise..

That particular evening however, I felt vulnerable in a different way, I was on my own, no family around me pulling me back, ..there were tears..when the hallucinations began, I brought myself back, I wouldn't stay with any fear...

It was not a fear of dying, but of the sadness that I may not LIVE!

Get the difference? 

This is what I wrote following that night..

"I want to fulfil my purpose....i want to live fully... I am called to serve humanity... I know who I am, I know beyond this body mind experience and I surrender ever deeper to allowing this body to do its will.... For whatever transpires is the perfect journey!

I yet again have to gently move my self and it's 'wants' out of the way!"




After what happened with Nicola, that experience becomes even more poignant to me..  
Ready for my new stage in life to start!   :)