Rested...Frozen ground..frustration..Wood Peckers!

Well, a better nights sleep thank goodness! Ear's are still painful so a visit to the GP for photo's to be taken! Given a course of steroids which I will take just to see if I get some relief from the breathing problems as well! Poor Milo hasnt had a proper walk for ages..:(

Whilst there, I mentioned I had found some info on another drug being used for autoimmune problems - and handed over some internet links/paperwork to give to my usual doctor to add to his research on RP. I am afraid to say, it was not received well, almost laughed at and disputed - even before I had said what the drug was! So.. not a positive attitude but I know that my usual doctor will give it a look.
I sat and cried..asking her what I was supposed to do...hospital consultants admit something is wrong but are unable to diagnose...I am 42, and struggling at times! She just looked at me sympathetically!

so, steroids ready to take, awaiting even more blood tests next week..I came home, got Milo and forced myself to walk across the frozen fields! Taking the farm dog along as well to give Milo more exercise in their chasing each other. I ranted, huffed and puffed (literally!), and cried. I know that a 'diagnosis' is not the real answer, I also know that I have 'fallen off' the vegan diet, have new herbs to take, I also know I am due to bleed - all these things have an effect!

I then sat by the stream, did my Cobra Breathe Meditation and listened to the wonderful sounds around me. The sun was quite warm on my face, stinging my ears a bit..but it was worth it.

There was a wood pecker in the woods - made me remember that a wood pecker visited my peanut stash in the garden yesterday! Looking this up shamanically:

Wood Pecker is connected to Native American drumming, they also dig into trees to find bugs and grubs to eat which denote digging into something, the art of discrimination and increased analysis. it also has a peculiar way of flying with a rhythm and manner unique to itself. all this serves to say, be conscious of flying to your own rhythm, and don't be afraid to dig in to make the best choice for what is right for you, sometimes it also means you need to drum up a little change and get some renewed rhythm! Knowledge of personal truth. Inner strength. Mentally strong.

Hmmm! Indeed, will have to dig in and make best choice for me...whilst taking these steroids to give me respite, I know I need to be looking at something that goes into my sub-conscious level..to the root of this issue... Journeying, The Journey, NLP, EFT, Hypnosis,.... :)

I dunno...but its coming!

Namaste for listening!

:)

No sleep...breathing terrible...despairing!

Had a wonderful nights sleep the night before - woke up at 10am yesterday - felt great... but last night, paid for that and tossed and turned through the hours! Ear was really painful but it was more my breathing or rather struggle to breathe that kept me awake!

Feel so despairing with it now... seemed to have processed and progressed through all angles of what is going on - on all levels for many years. Tried conventional and non-conventional method's and still it persists! Each time a new path, product, treatment comes my way - I give it my best. What am I to do? Surrender, accept....easier said...I do and I do..but when its your breath, its kinda in your face! Have no idea which way to turn with it now..

I am sure that 'falling off' my vegan diet the last few weeks has triggered my ear - as there is no 'emotional' stress going on right now. But the breathing has come and gone all the while...

I have said before that I believe that we create our illness, disease in our bodies and somehow, I have triggered an over-reaction in my immune system - which I know I can reverse but how to get to that? Each method, treatment, strategy I have tried has been worth it, each in their own has shown me a new depth, a learning of somesort but right now.I am tired..

having got up out of bed as I was close to tears which would only have made my breathing worse, iit helps to sit and write it out...now I fancy cornflakes!

Ah.. the sun is rising...

Outdoors at last!

Finally took opportunity to get outdoors again...didnt get as far as the woods, but managed a lovely walk across the fields into the valley with Milo at Sunset. Lovely to connect with the grass, trees, air and sky once more... clearing me out in many ways..

Sat by the lake for a while on a tree stump...drinking in the freshness of everything - sooo cold! A fighter plane came across doing manouvers around my head...could have disturbed my meditation but I loved the way it swung and swerved around...although had to stop milo from chasing him! He'd never have caught up..

Ahhhh.... lovely, lovely....

So... in the evening, relaxing bath I feel is due....let see what the weekend brings!

Weekend looming nicely...

Phew.. feel like I have been in a whirlwind this week.. head is swimming with HR stuff and looking forward to a weekend of doing nothing. I've managed to keep up with my morning cobra breath meditation and tai chi, but thats about it. I dont feel that 'good' about that.... missing my regular walks into the woods, the sacred trees and the brook.

Also yearning to be met fully in the depth of who I am....to be held with presence and authority.

Regardless of how I feel over the next few days...regardless of how my chest/breathing is (been crap recently!)..I am determined to get into the woods, hug my special trees.....

Namaste

Busy..busy..busy.....buzzing along...

Phew.. been a hectic week so far...have too much work on for a change. Not complaining but really noticing the difference from times last year... its been so beautiful with blue skies, frosty mornings and I havent had time to get into the woods with Milo. :(

There was an assignment/interim placement on offer at a company I have worked at before - I loved it there and was keen to go back...but the terms had changed and we couldnt agree on the financial aspects so I am not now doing it. On one hand I am a little sad, but on the other, I totally trust in life and as I was a bit unsure about the extra commitment of hours, was ok which ever way it went. I also saw how I need to value my time and not under-value my skills in monetary terms... it feels good that I stuck to what I felt I was worth. I know that I will be ok - maybe life is saying to concentrate on the clients I have and to get boosting my alternative therapies business. Suddenly, all these ideas are stirring again....

Also, this week, I experienced a power cut... in the middle of some work emails, the electric went at 4pm.. with news that it may come on in 3.4 hours time! it was just starting to get dusk then, so had chance to get candles prepared and get wrapped up against the cold. Now I have lived in a cabin with no electrity and should be used to this.. but you know I found it hard. How reliant I have become on my laptop, access to the internet, dvd and music entertainment! I was shocked at myself so endeavoured to meditate and then read by candelight... oh I was so fidgity! Just couldnt sit still..

Then I got hungry..with no way to cook for myself, I had to go and hunt for a take away..firstly having to borrow some money from next door (how embarrasing!) and then having to go out of my village area to find somewhere that was open with electric. Having got my food, came back....lit the last candle for a romantic candlelit dinner by myself....and pop... the electric came on! :) I smiled..and switched the lights off and carried on eating in the dim lights.... lovely.. but shame I didnt have anyone here to share it with.

Full moon was very powerful over the last few days.. yesterday it felt like it was boreing into my third eye all day and night.. didnt get much sleep yet again but did enjoy moon bathing on my bed!

Have nothing particular planned for the weekend and looking forward to just relaxing and doing 'whatever' as I feel..lovely.

Namaste

X

Sleepy...Unsociable....

A few days away at the Spa last week were so blissful! Massages, pampering, good food and good company..lovely treat...

Since being back have had trouble sleeping so feeling very tired, almost hung-over, and a bit unsociable. The weather is the usual British Greyness and I just feeling like curling up on the sofa with Milo...watching episodes of Stargates - the current fave! (did I just say that - lol :)) Watching Daniel Jackson (swoon!) and the team save the world again and again...love it! Loving the distraction of it all today.

Have braved the weather to walk with Milo around the fields..lovely..but its sooo nice to be back in my warm lounge, the smell of my baguette cooking in the kitchen, and the DVD poised to 'play' once more.....

Aaahhhhhh!

X

The Nature of Desire?

Just returned from a weekend tantra retreat..beautiful weekend of learning new practices, mantras etc

One of the rituals involves playing the role of King/Queen and the consort(s) have to serve their wants, needs, desires if they can....have done this a few times before and requests can range from being brought food, drink to massages etc.. anyway, at the end, the King/queen meditates on 'the Nature of desire'...

It was my turn to be Queen, truly welomed as I had a heavy bleed, been taking strong painkillers and could hardly move! it was lovely to be nurtured and cared for with such devotion. Although I have done this ritual a number of times before, this was the first time, I got the answer to the question...'what is the nature of desire?'

What came was that firstly, you have to ask! If I didnt tell my consorts what I wanted, then they wouldnt have known what to provide... the same goes for the universe...if we dont ask, then how can the universe provide?

then I realised that first you have to know what to ask for! That one made me laugh!..... how many times have we asked for something, wished for something..and something comes along.. that is 'almost' perfect but not quite! So, need to be as accurate and detailed as possible in the description of what it is we desire..

So... blissfully tired needing some rest.... tomorrow off to a spa for a couple of days with a friend.. more relaxation....... lovely jubbly!

Musings....Hmmmm!

Not much to write this time... reflective mood right now...

all astrology seems to be asking me to focus on 'one' project/issue/wish for the year to follow... with new moon in my birth sign its asking me to initiate some major change in my life or sit back and accept whatever events comes my way.. which I wont have any control over!

you know what..havent had the 'space' to reflect/focus on what it is I want to perfect....

hmmmmm...........................

Moth was indeed a butterfly... beautiful!

Well... my moth of NYD turned out to be a butterfly... it came over to where I was sat when my parents with me... it opened its wings so could clearly see it was indeed a butterfly!

So...transformation and acceptance of change!

I welcome it!

Namaste

XX

2011....Birthday.. hmmmm....

Welcome 2011!

Heres to a magical, wondrous year ahead...

Woke up early - well Milo woke me up nudging me with his cold nose demanding attention! or maybe he just wanted to wish me happy birthday... No partying for me last night, even better; a wonderful massage and a tantric ritual for the senses with that beautiful man I met a few weeks ago...he's still sleeping!

Above my desk is a beautiful moth/butterfly.. I presume its a moth because of the time of year... feels magical, watching me typing this. Looking it up to get the shamanic meaning:

The Moth is highly sensitive to touch and can feel, smell and taste with their feathery antennae. When the moth appears it is a reminder to pay attention to issues of sensitivity. (Be careful not to absorb the negative energies of others and draw them into your own energy field.) Seekers of light and energy they are able to navigate by the Moon and by the Earth's geomagnetic field. (Capable of acute hearing with the hearing organs found on their legs giving them the ability to sense the vibrations emitted around them.) Pay attention to what is being said and what is not being said. Metamorphic and transformative the moth shows how to awaken and develop psychic abilities. Be aware that the appearance of the moth may indicate that there are those around you who are secretly eating away at your resources.

hmmmm....I will indeed...

So.. A Happy Birthday to me! and a Happy New Year to all my blog readers!

Namaste

X