I took Milo somewhere different for his walk today, we drove to the Malverns and walked over two of the peaks for several hours. It was wonderful, freeing..meeting lots of other people with their dogs, sitting watching the views and playing stick with Milo.
I didnt feel alone or in pain..just free. Had a bit of a realisation though and reminder of the meditation/journey I did the other day, where I met me as a young woman in the cave..trying to hide with her white dress on. Several times, some guys who were running past us, and whilst I controlled Milo, the lead guy would say thanks and nod.. on the second time, he said we meet again..and you know I couldnt look up, I just nodded and concentrated on Milo! Ugh!
So after giving myself a good talking to internally, the next time they passed, he said again, you see, we meet again! This time, I literally forced my head up and replied back to him..but this time, knew I hadnt smiled! So again, gave myslef another talking to and on the third occasion, tried to do the whole lot - I did for a second maybe! Now, this guy was only being friendly, nothing in it but it showed me .. God, I feel like a little girl.. that little girl that is trying desperately to fit in, blend in, not be noticed and yet she yearns to be met in the divine so deeply! She has to trust.. and be open...
Anyway, as I write that little story, it made me smile! hey.. it almost feels like I am a teenager again.. nowt wrong with that. I just need to practice!!!!
X
Saturday 31 July 2010
Friday 30 July 2010
Deepening...Sparkles abound!
Been listening to new music today..and discovering some amazing lyrics.. seemed all appropriate and for me..but it didnt bring up much pain or sadness... just thankfulness for life.
A wise woman has told me some more of the significance of the dead crow I came across the other day.. it represents dark, kali energy...nothing to fear and she pointed out that becuase it still had the spinal cord trailing, which I particularly noticed, this represented the kundalini energy... All resonates.
The fallout from writing this way has begun, I'm surprised it has taken this long..but it seems that some of those in my life just cannot stand the openness or honesty that I live by, or they project onto me all manner of labels and conditions on to me, based on their position, their fears, their status quo. It did for a few minutes get me into doubting me.. but the positive feedback I have had has helped counter that.. I dont judge anyone, love all and trust.
Today, I allowed the dogs to walk me through the woods... I explored new areas, they led over many obstacles..and we followed the brook to the top of the hill..where I could view the valley below and the Malverns in the distance... Its been a while since I sat at the top of the hill...amazing beauty surrounds me here.
A tree that has the stream coming through the roots called me..and I touched the trunk, it was so warm.. it seemed to pulse under my touch... and I lay my back against the moss to soak in the energy. I then lay down on the half of the fallen tree, which is on teh ground... above, there is a clearing in teh foliage, and I can see the sky.. but as I look through the sky.. It became brighter and brigher..with hundreds of tiny flecks of light, darting around, like specks of dust in the sunlight.
Amazing, spectacular light show.. beautiful..I kept having to close my eyes, becuase after a while, they woudl hurt.. but when I opened them again, there they would be again. Each time I closed my eyes, I felt this pulse and the shadow/light pulsed in my 'eyelids'... This was very different to my more 'cosmic' experiences..where I getplunged through the stars and planets into the blackness, nothingness, ...this was pure light...the little particles of sparkles dancing around in a very light blue hue... beautiful!
A wise woman has told me some more of the significance of the dead crow I came across the other day.. it represents dark, kali energy...nothing to fear and she pointed out that becuase it still had the spinal cord trailing, which I particularly noticed, this represented the kundalini energy... All resonates.
The fallout from writing this way has begun, I'm surprised it has taken this long..but it seems that some of those in my life just cannot stand the openness or honesty that I live by, or they project onto me all manner of labels and conditions on to me, based on their position, their fears, their status quo. It did for a few minutes get me into doubting me.. but the positive feedback I have had has helped counter that.. I dont judge anyone, love all and trust.
Today, I allowed the dogs to walk me through the woods... I explored new areas, they led over many obstacles..and we followed the brook to the top of the hill..where I could view the valley below and the Malverns in the distance... Its been a while since I sat at the top of the hill...amazing beauty surrounds me here.
A tree that has the stream coming through the roots called me..and I touched the trunk, it was so warm.. it seemed to pulse under my touch... and I lay my back against the moss to soak in the energy. I then lay down on the half of the fallen tree, which is on teh ground... above, there is a clearing in teh foliage, and I can see the sky.. but as I look through the sky.. It became brighter and brigher..with hundreds of tiny flecks of light, darting around, like specks of dust in the sunlight.
Amazing, spectacular light show.. beautiful..I kept having to close my eyes, becuase after a while, they woudl hurt.. but when I opened them again, there they would be again. Each time I closed my eyes, I felt this pulse and the shadow/light pulsed in my 'eyelids'... This was very different to my more 'cosmic' experiences..where I getplunged through the stars and planets into the blackness, nothingness, ...this was pure light...the little particles of sparkles dancing around in a very light blue hue... beautiful!
Thursday 29 July 2010
Madness? Realities and Perceptions...
There is a fine line between perceived madness and what most people see as reality.. Anything that strays from the norm of the masses is labelled and seen as negative..but who knows...
for centuries people have been cast out and even put to death if the way they live are 'different' to the 'norm'... witches, wizards, people who have stood up for thier belief in aliens, ufo's, stargates, angels, spirits, 2012, conspiracy theories whatever... been labelled as mad and mocked. People with so called mental health issues locked up ..for all we know, they could well be seeing other dimentsions that most of us cant perceive.. who knows.
All I know is that there are so many 'stories' out there, so much intel.. especially with teh web... yes there is a lot of obvious fabricated stuff too and that doesnt help... We can only do our best and see what resonates with our inner being.. and live our life as fully as possible, learning and growing as much as we can...
A big fat hedgehog just dropped into my courtyard garden, to escape from the farm dog.... bringing with it the wisdom of the female elders, fertility, enjoyment of life and defense of negativity.. all of these I welcome right now! Thank you!
weird belief? So what...its lovely to notice such things, signs from nature rather than being distracted by less beutiful things.. I welcome them!
for centuries people have been cast out and even put to death if the way they live are 'different' to the 'norm'... witches, wizards, people who have stood up for thier belief in aliens, ufo's, stargates, angels, spirits, 2012, conspiracy theories whatever... been labelled as mad and mocked. People with so called mental health issues locked up ..for all we know, they could well be seeing other dimentsions that most of us cant perceive.. who knows.
All I know is that there are so many 'stories' out there, so much intel.. especially with teh web... yes there is a lot of obvious fabricated stuff too and that doesnt help... We can only do our best and see what resonates with our inner being.. and live our life as fully as possible, learning and growing as much as we can...
A big fat hedgehog just dropped into my courtyard garden, to escape from the farm dog.... bringing with it the wisdom of the female elders, fertility, enjoyment of life and defense of negativity.. all of these I welcome right now! Thank you!
weird belief? So what...its lovely to notice such things, signs from nature rather than being distracted by less beutiful things.. I welcome them!
Wednesday 28 July 2010
Another layer of Grief!
Well, today, I feel as though I am completely lost.. having deleted my ex from FB, and receiving an email from him, acknowledging that we needed space apart and hoped we would come out the other end as friends.. So sad..I have cried loads in the car, talked with a couple of friends and parents, all trying to say the right things.. and they do.. but at the end of the day, I dont want to lose this guy from my life. Friends is fine..that will do! ugh! feels horrible and yet somewhere i know that I have been through this before. Feeling that I could not cope without that being in my life, not wanting to let go.. but of course, I moved on.. its natural! It doesnt make this any easier though... I feel sick.
Parents are worried, want me to go to doctors - dont feel thats the right road to take... come home, force myself to eat even though there is nothing in the cupboards really.. and write a huge list.. list of everything I need to do or would like to do... practical stuff like jobs as well as creative stuff... just getting it all down and that has helped.
Just now one of my clients just called.. I treated her earlier this week whilst she is staying in the holiday lodge.. She asked if I would show her how to meditate, de-stress and calm herself... I've never been asked that before..it touched me. Made me laugh internally as I am in such a mess right now myself, how I can teach someone else to cope with stuff... I admitted as much to her.. and said you know what, I didnt do my tai chi or meditation before going out today! But agreed to see her later on in the week to show her some techniques..seems right and it will help me too.
My head hurts and I feel empty..feel sick and tired. I do keep trying to focus on the downsides to that relationship, how it made me feel at the time, the things that really I tolerated which I shouldnt have, even focusing on the fact he cuddled the dog rather than me or allowing me to sleep on the couch.. makes me smile though.. for I forgive.. all is perfect.. and that doesnt help in what I am trying to acheive - detachment.
I keep coming back to the idea of setting up some women's group in my area..a support network, for women having relationship or dating issues as well as single women that feel they are alone or they dont want to go to their usual friends... maybe I ought to follow that one up? I have learned a lot over the last year, have experienced all sorts of stuff surrounding dating, internet dating, men who wont commit, communication issues etc..and have many 'tools'..but somehow I feel I havent got it right, so how I can share these... mmmmm... lets see how it unfolds.
if any of you know of any sister that you feel might benefit from linking up, connecting in someway, virtual or in person.. please pass my details on... this was one of the reasons for setting up this blog.. and I dont want it to become stagnant and just another diary! And let me have your reflections...
Parents are worried, want me to go to doctors - dont feel thats the right road to take... come home, force myself to eat even though there is nothing in the cupboards really.. and write a huge list.. list of everything I need to do or would like to do... practical stuff like jobs as well as creative stuff... just getting it all down and that has helped.
Just now one of my clients just called.. I treated her earlier this week whilst she is staying in the holiday lodge.. She asked if I would show her how to meditate, de-stress and calm herself... I've never been asked that before..it touched me. Made me laugh internally as I am in such a mess right now myself, how I can teach someone else to cope with stuff... I admitted as much to her.. and said you know what, I didnt do my tai chi or meditation before going out today! But agreed to see her later on in the week to show her some techniques..seems right and it will help me too.
My head hurts and I feel empty..feel sick and tired. I do keep trying to focus on the downsides to that relationship, how it made me feel at the time, the things that really I tolerated which I shouldnt have, even focusing on the fact he cuddled the dog rather than me or allowing me to sleep on the couch.. makes me smile though.. for I forgive.. all is perfect.. and that doesnt help in what I am trying to acheive - detachment.
I keep coming back to the idea of setting up some women's group in my area..a support network, for women having relationship or dating issues as well as single women that feel they are alone or they dont want to go to their usual friends... maybe I ought to follow that one up? I have learned a lot over the last year, have experienced all sorts of stuff surrounding dating, internet dating, men who wont commit, communication issues etc..and have many 'tools'..but somehow I feel I havent got it right, so how I can share these... mmmmm... lets see how it unfolds.
if any of you know of any sister that you feel might benefit from linking up, connecting in someway, virtual or in person.. please pass my details on... this was one of the reasons for setting up this blog.. and I dont want it to become stagnant and just another diary! And let me have your reflections...
Moon bathing..
At around 3.30am, I awoke suddendly and felt drawn to go and sit outside, directly under the moon.. I took some of my crystals with me and sat facing the moon but what drew me in was the planet/star that is so bright a little way across. does anyone know what this is? I am guessing it was Venus?
Anyway, I sank in, breathed and just soaked up the energies... with my eyes open, I could see a few dark holes in the sky but if I looked directly at the blackness, they disappeared... I wondered if I had been reading too much about stargates etc and just decided to close my eyes and meditate deeply.
As the dawn approached, a group of bats started circuling above, I was aware of their 'clicks' as they darted around the rooftop above.. graceful and silent apart from their clicking.. and as it got lighter, they disappeared and the birds started their chorus, joined by the resident cockerall...
After moving my crystals up to my altar where the goddess statue sits, I returned to bed and slept..waking up at intervals..I feel connected to the ex, when his alarm would go off, when he would eat, dress, leave for work etc... I am feeling a little frustrated with myself at doing this.. it feels so attached..but I wont beat myself up!
Bats as a power animal? Apparently they indicate death and rebirth. Bats help us to release fear and patterns which no longer fits within our pattern of growth. Bat flying into your life signifies that transformation of the ego self is about to occur, the end of a way of life and the start of another. The bat gives you the wisdom required to make the appropriate changes for the birthing of your new identity. Bats are sociable animals which can indicate a need for more sociability or increased opportunity with greater numbers of people.
Anyway, I sank in, breathed and just soaked up the energies... with my eyes open, I could see a few dark holes in the sky but if I looked directly at the blackness, they disappeared... I wondered if I had been reading too much about stargates etc and just decided to close my eyes and meditate deeply.
As the dawn approached, a group of bats started circuling above, I was aware of their 'clicks' as they darted around the rooftop above.. graceful and silent apart from their clicking.. and as it got lighter, they disappeared and the birds started their chorus, joined by the resident cockerall...
After moving my crystals up to my altar where the goddess statue sits, I returned to bed and slept..waking up at intervals..I feel connected to the ex, when his alarm would go off, when he would eat, dress, leave for work etc... I am feeling a little frustrated with myself at doing this.. it feels so attached..but I wont beat myself up!
Bats as a power animal? Apparently they indicate death and rebirth. Bats help us to release fear and patterns which no longer fits within our pattern of growth. Bat flying into your life signifies that transformation of the ego self is about to occur, the end of a way of life and the start of another. The bat gives you the wisdom required to make the appropriate changes for the birthing of your new identity. Bats are sociable animals which can indicate a need for more sociability or increased opportunity with greater numbers of people.
Tuesday 27 July 2010
Journey's and shifts.....
I went to the woods, and discovered new rambling brooks and twisted trees.. one tree had water flowing from underneath her roots which was amazing to watch and feel. On walking back, on my path was the head of dead bird, I think a crow, with the spinal cord trailing behind.. the rest of the body had gone. As i walked past, a load of wasps came out of it.. mmm.. anyone any ideas?
When I got back to the pc, I thought I was in a still place, but on my screen was updates of my 'friends' on facebook, one of them being my ex, who had decided to list all the gigs, festivals hes going to attend over the coming months... hit me right in the stomach! Felt nauseous, panicky and decided to delete him from my 'friends' list as I just cant do this to my heart any more. This link has to be broken... feel right now a mixture of relief and sadness!
I then followed a lead meditation by a woman inspirational teacher, Rori Raye, who looks into all things to do with relationships, and this particular meditation was about looking at why we attract certain partners...there is a belief that we attract the qualities in others that we dont want to face in ourselves...
So off I went on my inner journey, into a cold, damp, dark cave like place. There was a young girl in there cowering in the corner, wearing white, which had gotten dirty from the living conditions. Her name was Polly, she was afraid, lonely, seemed small, bent over, as if trying to make herself invisible! I was crying throughout the scene.. this girl before me was wearing white but was trying to blend in to the background, trying not to be noticed...in a black cave! She was wary of me, not very approachable and was used to putting people off... Rori talked me through telling her that I was in charge, that I was strong but would she help me.. Polly said, I dont how to help, shaking her head in fear. I held out my arms and hugged her but she didnt respond with any energy..
That felt good writing that all down.. I am still digesting it but it all feels significant...
When I got back to the pc, I thought I was in a still place, but on my screen was updates of my 'friends' on facebook, one of them being my ex, who had decided to list all the gigs, festivals hes going to attend over the coming months... hit me right in the stomach! Felt nauseous, panicky and decided to delete him from my 'friends' list as I just cant do this to my heart any more. This link has to be broken... feel right now a mixture of relief and sadness!
I then followed a lead meditation by a woman inspirational teacher, Rori Raye, who looks into all things to do with relationships, and this particular meditation was about looking at why we attract certain partners...there is a belief that we attract the qualities in others that we dont want to face in ourselves...
So off I went on my inner journey, into a cold, damp, dark cave like place. There was a young girl in there cowering in the corner, wearing white, which had gotten dirty from the living conditions. Her name was Polly, she was afraid, lonely, seemed small, bent over, as if trying to make herself invisible! I was crying throughout the scene.. this girl before me was wearing white but was trying to blend in to the background, trying not to be noticed...in a black cave! She was wary of me, not very approachable and was used to putting people off... Rori talked me through telling her that I was in charge, that I was strong but would she help me.. Polly said, I dont how to help, shaking her head in fear. I held out my arms and hugged her but she didnt respond with any energy..
That felt good writing that all down.. I am still digesting it but it all feels significant...
Man v Nature..
well I havent turned into a frog on this new supplement..nothing to report really, except I have a slight temperature!
Anyway, woke in the night to the sight of the beautiful big moon at last..its been hidden behind clouds since it became full.. I watched her as the clouds passed her shine..magical and communed deeply with her. I moon-bathed the rest of the night, taking in her pureness.
Woken up early by the song of a bird that insists on perching on my window sill daily.. his/her song is just one note..constantly calling! (n fact, its still calling) Managed to fall back asleep and then woken by someone strimming around the land..it has to be done from the point of view its a place for visitors but it shatters the peace and my sleep!
So, I get up, feed Milo and bake some bread. How domesticated hey. As I type, waiting for the bread to rise, I am feeling a little unsettled, feeling I should get out and socialise today, but anticipating something that I am not sure about..mmmmm. Great! my itunes player just decided to go automatically from the sacred music of Peru/Praful to The Machine Breakers - the band that the ex played in.. the song called 'the land was stolen'... interesting! Sounds good still, missing hearing the music live, watching them but there is no pain... Now being skyped by someone making me laugh with their jokes...
Anyway, woke in the night to the sight of the beautiful big moon at last..its been hidden behind clouds since it became full.. I watched her as the clouds passed her shine..magical and communed deeply with her. I moon-bathed the rest of the night, taking in her pureness.
Woken up early by the song of a bird that insists on perching on my window sill daily.. his/her song is just one note..constantly calling! (n fact, its still calling) Managed to fall back asleep and then woken by someone strimming around the land..it has to be done from the point of view its a place for visitors but it shatters the peace and my sleep!
So, I get up, feed Milo and bake some bread. How domesticated hey. As I type, waiting for the bread to rise, I am feeling a little unsettled, feeling I should get out and socialise today, but anticipating something that I am not sure about..mmmmm. Great! my itunes player just decided to go automatically from the sacred music of Peru/Praful to The Machine Breakers - the band that the ex played in.. the song called 'the land was stolen'... interesting! Sounds good still, missing hearing the music live, watching them but there is no pain... Now being skyped by someone making me laugh with their jokes...
Monday 26 July 2010
Frogs, Toads? Magical liquids.... and moving..
Re-visiting the woods, coming home... beautiful and peaceful, allowing me to bleed on mother earth for a little while and then ceasing again!
All around the fallen tree today were loads of little frogs or toads..no idea what the difference is but they all hopped around when I turned up so I let them be. As a power animal they are said to bring great cleansing of negative mental and physical energies and an invitation to take a leap forward..
A few weeks ago, I thanked my landlady for allowing me the opportunity to stay on her land..I felt and do feel so blessed to be surrounded by such beauty.. for the first time in my life, I find that I am totally at ease, feel safe and nourished and comfortable in my surroundings..being able to live alone and yet not feel lonely (most of the time :) ) As soon as I said that to her, I realised that I might be asked to let go very soon, yes, i had become 'comfortable'...
So, now there may be a possibility that I move to somewhere less isolated and share a house again...I know that I will be able to attend more things, meet more people and have the support of living with another person... We shall see..I know that the beauty I see around me is everywhere, within me..so although it will be a wrench to move away, if its the right thing to do, nothing will be lost..but still!
oh.. realised I put magical liquids in the title... just started to take MMS..someone recommended it for me..it seems to be the latest 'magical supplement'.. I have nothing to lose, it was so reasonable compared to all the other 'remedies' out there... so watch this space.. I too, might turn into a frog!
All around the fallen tree today were loads of little frogs or toads..no idea what the difference is but they all hopped around when I turned up so I let them be. As a power animal they are said to bring great cleansing of negative mental and physical energies and an invitation to take a leap forward..
A few weeks ago, I thanked my landlady for allowing me the opportunity to stay on her land..I felt and do feel so blessed to be surrounded by such beauty.. for the first time in my life, I find that I am totally at ease, feel safe and nourished and comfortable in my surroundings..being able to live alone and yet not feel lonely (most of the time :) ) As soon as I said that to her, I realised that I might be asked to let go very soon, yes, i had become 'comfortable'...
So, now there may be a possibility that I move to somewhere less isolated and share a house again...I know that I will be able to attend more things, meet more people and have the support of living with another person... We shall see..I know that the beauty I see around me is everywhere, within me..so although it will be a wrench to move away, if its the right thing to do, nothing will be lost..but still!
oh.. realised I put magical liquids in the title... just started to take MMS..someone recommended it for me..it seems to be the latest 'magical supplement'.. I have nothing to lose, it was so reasonable compared to all the other 'remedies' out there... so watch this space.. I too, might turn into a frog!
Man..sorry this one may not be for you!
or maybe it is!
Over the last 24 hours I have got increasingly more disorientated, forgetful, not being able to function as I normally do.. almost dizzy as in typical 'blonde dizzy'! Really funny at times like forgetting immediately what someone has just said..and also a bit worrying.
I;ve increasingly become frustrated and getting irritated at.. dare I say it... the masculine energies.. not just man as such..but things like beurocratic nonsense from authorities. I received a letter from the employment office asking me a tonne of questions that I have already answered face to face.. and at the time said.. are you sure I dont need to fill something else in! Of course, they had 'forgotten' a form - which means a further delay in them sorting things out!
Irritation with man in physical form.. feeling that I am just not beign heard...this was highlighted when a man picked on a couple of words in a whole paragraph..instead of looking at the energy underneath and the whole picture of what I was saying, I got a response based on my terminology! this has happened many times to me.. I am trying to say something..just so happen to say the 'wrong' word that has a 'different' meaning to the man..and this is what they concentrate on..rather than looking at the whole thing of what I was saying. The whole conversation then reverts to these couple of words and the rest ignored. BAH! :)
Also, man's lack of love, lack of empathy for woman. Separating their love, individualising it..thinking that 'love' can only be declared for 'certain' people in their lives.. I love all beings for we are all connected.. as brother and sister. So i might say I love you to a woman as a friend as well as to my lover. I will extend my honesty and softness to all.
Lack of empathy, and not being able to be humble in their interaction with woman, giving up on their 'position', their 'comfort' in order to honour the woman that is standing in front of them. Sad and it is painful.
I know that this dynamic can be reversed..woman can be just as dishonouring and lack love..
So at risk of being slotted into the box of 'pre menstrual' woman rant...yes, at the rise of the full moon, I bleed..early..shouldnt be here yet which releases a lot of all this tension and irritation. Explains my lack of patience and being sensitive to things that probably wouldnt have got to me in the same way on other occasions. BUT, that doesnt negate anything I have said, for a woman to come into bleed, means that she is coming more into her power, yes more sensitive to energies, absolutely nothing wrong with that.
So, I am typing this at the same time as trying to get through to my GP surgery to cancel my 3rd smear test! Each time now I happended to have bled unexpectedly on the allotted day! My body being wise maybe? After all my cancer scares though, they are keen to check it all... mmmmm!
ok.. got through.. re-scheduled.. sorted..
I LOVE YOU ALL!
X
Over the last 24 hours I have got increasingly more disorientated, forgetful, not being able to function as I normally do.. almost dizzy as in typical 'blonde dizzy'! Really funny at times like forgetting immediately what someone has just said..and also a bit worrying.
I;ve increasingly become frustrated and getting irritated at.. dare I say it... the masculine energies.. not just man as such..but things like beurocratic nonsense from authorities. I received a letter from the employment office asking me a tonne of questions that I have already answered face to face.. and at the time said.. are you sure I dont need to fill something else in! Of course, they had 'forgotten' a form - which means a further delay in them sorting things out!
Irritation with man in physical form.. feeling that I am just not beign heard...this was highlighted when a man picked on a couple of words in a whole paragraph..instead of looking at the energy underneath and the whole picture of what I was saying, I got a response based on my terminology! this has happened many times to me.. I am trying to say something..just so happen to say the 'wrong' word that has a 'different' meaning to the man..and this is what they concentrate on..rather than looking at the whole thing of what I was saying. The whole conversation then reverts to these couple of words and the rest ignored. BAH! :)
Also, man's lack of love, lack of empathy for woman. Separating their love, individualising it..thinking that 'love' can only be declared for 'certain' people in their lives.. I love all beings for we are all connected.. as brother and sister. So i might say I love you to a woman as a friend as well as to my lover. I will extend my honesty and softness to all.
Lack of empathy, and not being able to be humble in their interaction with woman, giving up on their 'position', their 'comfort' in order to honour the woman that is standing in front of them. Sad and it is painful.
I know that this dynamic can be reversed..woman can be just as dishonouring and lack love..
So at risk of being slotted into the box of 'pre menstrual' woman rant...yes, at the rise of the full moon, I bleed..early..shouldnt be here yet which releases a lot of all this tension and irritation. Explains my lack of patience and being sensitive to things that probably wouldnt have got to me in the same way on other occasions. BUT, that doesnt negate anything I have said, for a woman to come into bleed, means that she is coming more into her power, yes more sensitive to energies, absolutely nothing wrong with that.
So, I am typing this at the same time as trying to get through to my GP surgery to cancel my 3rd smear test! Each time now I happended to have bled unexpectedly on the allotted day! My body being wise maybe? After all my cancer scares though, they are keen to check it all... mmmmm!
ok.. got through.. re-scheduled.. sorted..
I LOVE YOU ALL!
X
Saturday 24 July 2010
More letting go.
Another day with friends in Devon, chilling out, eating, talking, playing and eating!
I had a shiatsu session to try to release a frozen shoulder/arm I’ve had for a couple of days. A deep treatment that took me through physical pain, laughter and then tears. The tears always happen when someone works on the leg that had the dvt in it..but the grief is not about that..it goes much further back to something I’ve yet to see. The shoulder didn’t release either!
Many subjects were covered again throughout the day; everything from orbs, fairies, angels, 2012, numerology, mayan stuff, egyption stuff, stone circles, serpent mounds, to dogs, people, music and of course food! It seems that we are all in a very 'new age' period of time...
In the evening, we watched a film..well two in the end. Pretty full on, one that I had to hide behind a blanket for a lot of! However, I got hooked as it was a bit of sci fi and I wanted to know what happened.. the second one a bit of a mystery film.. By the end of the two sessions, I felt drained..and just began to cry..felt really sad and in deep grief. The tears stung my cheeks.. as there was no lights on, no one could see.. and that was fine.. it felt I just needed to get it out quietly..and the whole time, I could also feel my arm/shoulder getting more relaxed.
Deep breathing, closing eyes, remembering that all is perfect...no matter how it appears or feels. The tears ended up wetting my neck and travelling down to my waist – delightful!
Our bodies are amazing really... they hold on to a trauma, emotion until we let go of it..not necessarily in the way you’d anticipate. Grief has many many layers..human emotion can run very deep..right now, it feels I’ve peeled one more layer. I feel a little sick but have a knowing that all is perfect..I just don’t yet see the bigger picture.
So, tomorrow/today, I meet up with another friend, hopefully see the beach before heading home. Must sleep now. X
I had a shiatsu session to try to release a frozen shoulder/arm I’ve had for a couple of days. A deep treatment that took me through physical pain, laughter and then tears. The tears always happen when someone works on the leg that had the dvt in it..but the grief is not about that..it goes much further back to something I’ve yet to see. The shoulder didn’t release either!
Many subjects were covered again throughout the day; everything from orbs, fairies, angels, 2012, numerology, mayan stuff, egyption stuff, stone circles, serpent mounds, to dogs, people, music and of course food! It seems that we are all in a very 'new age' period of time...
In the evening, we watched a film..well two in the end. Pretty full on, one that I had to hide behind a blanket for a lot of! However, I got hooked as it was a bit of sci fi and I wanted to know what happened.. the second one a bit of a mystery film.. By the end of the two sessions, I felt drained..and just began to cry..felt really sad and in deep grief. The tears stung my cheeks.. as there was no lights on, no one could see.. and that was fine.. it felt I just needed to get it out quietly..and the whole time, I could also feel my arm/shoulder getting more relaxed.
Deep breathing, closing eyes, remembering that all is perfect...no matter how it appears or feels. The tears ended up wetting my neck and travelling down to my waist – delightful!
Our bodies are amazing really... they hold on to a trauma, emotion until we let go of it..not necessarily in the way you’d anticipate. Grief has many many layers..human emotion can run very deep..right now, it feels I’ve peeled one more layer. I feel a little sick but have a knowing that all is perfect..I just don’t yet see the bigger picture.
So, tomorrow/today, I meet up with another friend, hopefully see the beach before heading home. Must sleep now. X
Friday 23 July 2010
Yearnings, Longings, Pain and Trust
Not sure what to write just now...but as I type, I am sure words will come. All day, I have been shall we say ‘stewing’....and been having a sort of longing.. to be seen and met fully..on all levels, but especially physically. Being intimate physically is an important part of being human and at times today I have just wanted to be held, loved and connected with...and if I am honest, I have felt angry at this not being fulfilled. Mixed with all these feelings are the deep knowing that all is ok, that I am blessed for what I have experienced thus far and see that there is a higher or larger energy at play....which I am not yet able to see.. So I must trust, in life, love, truth, the universe, god or whatever the label is...and surrender to what is..and acceptance..and for the most part I do. The full moon coming, hormones, earth and female cycles, little me, all have an effect on all this..
The walk in the countryside during the day with the dogs was healing..feeling the earth, grass and water under my feet..and just breathing..deeply..letting go. The following scene played out; The dogs played well together but then she would get over zealous and start to become over-bearing to Milo..and he in turn would attempt to push her away by snapping and snarling. Now all she wanted to do was play..she was being herself.. her tail was wagging enthusiastically...but for Milo, he needed some space..a little time between play and didn’t react well to being cajoled into play...it was just too much for him. For her..she couldn’t understand Milo’s reaction..why wouldn’t he join her in this fun, why did he not want to play..surely Milo enjoys it all just as much..etc etc In turn, when Milo was performing his tricks, fetching and bringing sticks etc, she would get irritated with him, bark at him and attempt to distract him. Milo didn’t hardly notice...all he was concentrating on was his stick! At the end of the day, their energies were different, they had different ideas of what play was, and how much they were prepared to play each others idea of a game.....
In the evening, I sat with two sisters, sharing. Another heartache being experienced..in a totally different way..a disconnection through illness/body trauma...another facet of longing, yearning and grief, pain and loss...even though the physical body is still ‘present’ and sharing the same bed. Showing me again that if we share, we discover that we are not alone in the things/issues we are facing in our lives..
My eyes are not able to stay open for too much longer... Love to all my sisters and brothers facing seemingly difficult times right now... all is ok though.. we just have to stop focusing on the past and the future... live our lives fully in the present...and trust that all will become clear.
The walk in the countryside during the day with the dogs was healing..feeling the earth, grass and water under my feet..and just breathing..deeply..letting go. The following scene played out; The dogs played well together but then she would get over zealous and start to become over-bearing to Milo..and he in turn would attempt to push her away by snapping and snarling. Now all she wanted to do was play..she was being herself.. her tail was wagging enthusiastically...but for Milo, he needed some space..a little time between play and didn’t react well to being cajoled into play...it was just too much for him. For her..she couldn’t understand Milo’s reaction..why wouldn’t he join her in this fun, why did he not want to play..surely Milo enjoys it all just as much..etc etc In turn, when Milo was performing his tricks, fetching and bringing sticks etc, she would get irritated with him, bark at him and attempt to distract him. Milo didn’t hardly notice...all he was concentrating on was his stick! At the end of the day, their energies were different, they had different ideas of what play was, and how much they were prepared to play each others idea of a game.....
In the evening, I sat with two sisters, sharing. Another heartache being experienced..in a totally different way..a disconnection through illness/body trauma...another facet of longing, yearning and grief, pain and loss...even though the physical body is still ‘present’ and sharing the same bed. Showing me again that if we share, we discover that we are not alone in the things/issues we are facing in our lives..
My eyes are not able to stay open for too much longer... Love to all my sisters and brothers facing seemingly difficult times right now... all is ok though.. we just have to stop focusing on the past and the future... live our lives fully in the present...and trust that all will become clear.
Thursday 22 July 2010
Food for Thought
Well, this time last week I was struggling to sleep on a couch after a very emotional day.. tonight however, I am in luxury in a huge bed, in a lovely house in the middle of nowhere. Luxurious covers . plush pillows..how life moves but with one common factor; Milo snoring in the corner of the room!
A lovely day chilling out with friends, eating, chatting, and eating again and again... we watched 4 hours of a dvd all about conspiracy theories, ufo’s, ascension, free energy, chemtrails etc... lots of weird and interesting stuff! Learned loads..and chatted around most of the subjects now, mmmm... but oh so tired now.
Funny how life has its synchronicities..there were bits of the dvd that repeated things I had only heard of in the last couple of days...almost like life’s little pointers to investigate further.. things like chemtrails and MMS.. Even Stargates/portals were talked about...that are now being opened up around the planet... now for those of you that know me well.. I have always loved the Stargate series! love it, love it!
The cosmos and earth energies are definitely changing and we are all feeling it to some degree...there are many many predictions and theories from ancient culture and today’s scientists that point to huge shifts that will effect us all.. hmmmm...
Night for now... full moon approaching!
A lovely day chilling out with friends, eating, chatting, and eating again and again... we watched 4 hours of a dvd all about conspiracy theories, ufo’s, ascension, free energy, chemtrails etc... lots of weird and interesting stuff! Learned loads..and chatted around most of the subjects now, mmmm... but oh so tired now.
Funny how life has its synchronicities..there were bits of the dvd that repeated things I had only heard of in the last couple of days...almost like life’s little pointers to investigate further.. things like chemtrails and MMS.. Even Stargates/portals were talked about...that are now being opened up around the planet... now for those of you that know me well.. I have always loved the Stargate series! love it, love it!
The cosmos and earth energies are definitely changing and we are all feeling it to some degree...there are many many predictions and theories from ancient culture and today’s scientists that point to huge shifts that will effect us all.. hmmmm...
Night for now... full moon approaching!
Weird Day Yesterday?
Did you all find it weird energetically yesterday? I woke up feeling really low, sad, like there was some pending doom to come upon me/us... I went into the woods and felt heaps better, but there was this undercurrent feeling...
I spoke with several friends who all said the same thing, they'd either been crying, felt uneasy, sad, emotional etc etc...mmmmmm.... This just confirms to me that nothing we experience is 'personal'.. and sometimes, there are energetic shifts happening that affect all beings...its just that some pick up on it more than others....
I travelled down to Devon to visit friends and hopefully go to the folk fest down here...altho friends dont seem so keen! On the way, I went through several storms...and just as i had driven through another one, I was in the outside lane and in the distance, I saw all this smoke and haze...I knew something had happened..so slowed down... all was calm really... luckily everyone was fairly 'together' having just gone through the rain storm...but I was the first to put the hazards on... and as i got closer, there were several cars, that had stopped and hit the central reservation barrier...
No one was hurt, everyone was walking...no subsequent crashes, but after, I stopped at the services and just wailed into my steering wheel - shaking and just feeling so sad. The feelings washed through me until they were done... I announced to myself that life was too bloomin short..and went on my way... (World watch out! :) )
Last night, I attended a seminar by a man who talked about 2012, the cosmic changes that will affect our magnetic poles etc... he has studied with many cultures, pulling together all their myths, predictions etc... very interesting..he talked about a period of 3 days of darkness....when humans become into a higher consciousness... there will be many openings of doorways/parellel universes etc. mmmmm...lots to think about.
Planetary wise, Saturn left virgo yesterday (Wont return for 28 years).which has been in a period of shedding what doesnt serve us any more, letting go of the past.. It has now entered Libra. The lessons now are about relationships and agreements..no time for quick fixes..for Saturn gets impatient with anything that is uncertain or dishonest.
I have started to get some feedback on my blog which is great...no 'fall out' yet.. which is a relief... It has been said that I am very brave to have put my self 'out there' with such vulnerability... I dont see that.. whilst I recognise that this is not what many will do..I hope that through this, more sisters and brothers will see that there is nothing personal and be inspired to share too....
X
I spoke with several friends who all said the same thing, they'd either been crying, felt uneasy, sad, emotional etc etc...mmmmmm.... This just confirms to me that nothing we experience is 'personal'.. and sometimes, there are energetic shifts happening that affect all beings...its just that some pick up on it more than others....
I travelled down to Devon to visit friends and hopefully go to the folk fest down here...altho friends dont seem so keen! On the way, I went through several storms...and just as i had driven through another one, I was in the outside lane and in the distance, I saw all this smoke and haze...I knew something had happened..so slowed down... all was calm really... luckily everyone was fairly 'together' having just gone through the rain storm...but I was the first to put the hazards on... and as i got closer, there were several cars, that had stopped and hit the central reservation barrier...
No one was hurt, everyone was walking...no subsequent crashes, but after, I stopped at the services and just wailed into my steering wheel - shaking and just feeling so sad. The feelings washed through me until they were done... I announced to myself that life was too bloomin short..and went on my way... (World watch out! :) )
Last night, I attended a seminar by a man who talked about 2012, the cosmic changes that will affect our magnetic poles etc... he has studied with many cultures, pulling together all their myths, predictions etc... very interesting..he talked about a period of 3 days of darkness....when humans become into a higher consciousness... there will be many openings of doorways/parellel universes etc. mmmmm...lots to think about.
Planetary wise, Saturn left virgo yesterday (Wont return for 28 years).which has been in a period of shedding what doesnt serve us any more, letting go of the past.. It has now entered Libra. The lessons now are about relationships and agreements..no time for quick fixes..for Saturn gets impatient with anything that is uncertain or dishonest.
I have started to get some feedback on my blog which is great...no 'fall out' yet.. which is a relief... It has been said that I am very brave to have put my self 'out there' with such vulnerability... I dont see that.. whilst I recognise that this is not what many will do..I hope that through this, more sisters and brothers will see that there is nothing personal and be inspired to share too....
X
Tuesday 20 July 2010
Gentleness.
Another brief entry..just been reading a beautiful sisters blog : The Journey of A Singing Woman who has just led a womens retreat in Holland.
She talks of a mother who had miscarried a child..she had closed her body, heart, voice and through the retreat opened up once more... This touched me deeply, soft tears for the three babies I have also lost...gentle greiving and a heart to heart recognition of another's grief.. Thank you my sisters..
A Journey of The Singing Woman
She talks of a mother who had miscarried a child..she had closed her body, heart, voice and through the retreat opened up once more... This touched me deeply, soft tears for the three babies I have also lost...gentle greiving and a heart to heart recognition of another's grief.. Thank you my sisters..
A Journey of The Singing Woman
Surfing the Waves......
Just a quick entry before I go for a walk with the dogs into the woods..
I feel very clear and in the flow of life right now... perfect description really: Surfing the Waves... as underneath my 'board', I can feel the waves of emotion, thoughts, feelings, excitement, fear, love, gratitude, etc and there 'I' am, riding them all like a surfer in the sea....
just flowing with wherever the currents of life wish to take me....
Exhilerating...
I feel very clear and in the flow of life right now... perfect description really: Surfing the Waves... as underneath my 'board', I can feel the waves of emotion, thoughts, feelings, excitement, fear, love, gratitude, etc and there 'I' am, riding them all like a surfer in the sea....
just flowing with wherever the currents of life wish to take me....
Exhilerating...
Monday 19 July 2010
Being Authentic....Being Whole..
I have sat with the fact that I have two FB accounts and only link one to this blog..the one with all my mainly 'alternative', open-thinking contacts as friends.. meaning that the majority of my connections on FB rarely see this intimate account of my journey or the whole Lisa/Lissy Lou..
I realise that I did that mainly to 'temper' how I portray myself to certain people..ex work colleagues, family, old school friends etc for fear of ridicule, judgement etc. This is pointless and just not authentic..using my other page as an escape route for what I dont want to hear or accept about my self.
So... this is it.. I am deleting the other account..the friends on there are on my original one anyhow.. I have had a bit of feedback about my writings thus far but it would be really great to hear your reflections, thoughts, own seeings... whatever we go through in life, is not personal...many are facing similar issues/crises and we can only see that when it is open and shared...
My reasons for starting a blog are detailed in the very first entry...following the lunar eclipse earlier this month...I have been asked several times to share in a group, workshop or forum and this feels a good way to begin..
If you are offended by anything, find reading this uncomfortable, think its werid stuff etc etc.. then by all means delete me from your friends list, or simply do not hit the blog tab... I will not be offended but I hope that you instead just share in my journey..
I realise that I did that mainly to 'temper' how I portray myself to certain people..ex work colleagues, family, old school friends etc for fear of ridicule, judgement etc. This is pointless and just not authentic..using my other page as an escape route for what I dont want to hear or accept about my self.
So... this is it.. I am deleting the other account..the friends on there are on my original one anyhow.. I have had a bit of feedback about my writings thus far but it would be really great to hear your reflections, thoughts, own seeings... whatever we go through in life, is not personal...many are facing similar issues/crises and we can only see that when it is open and shared...
My reasons for starting a blog are detailed in the very first entry...following the lunar eclipse earlier this month...I have been asked several times to share in a group, workshop or forum and this feels a good way to begin..
If you are offended by anything, find reading this uncomfortable, think its werid stuff etc etc.. then by all means delete me from your friends list, or simply do not hit the blog tab... I will not be offended but I hope that you instead just share in my journey..
Planets, the cosmos and power animals.
I looked back at some of the recent planetary goings on... the solar eclipse on the 11th signalled a beginning of a new cycle in life..a time to act and make decisions that we have been hesitant about before..from then on for the next six months is the period to make changes to those aspects of our lives that we are dissatisfied with..releasing all that no longer serve you.. very poignant..
Someone has sent me some info on power animal energy and the meaning of deer energy which I wish to share: (following my earlier blog)
Deer's medicine includes gentleness in word, thought and touch. The ability to listen, grace and appreciation for the beauty of balance. Understanding of what's necessary for survival, power of gratitude and giving, ability to sacrifice for the higher good, connection to the woodland goddess, alternative paths to a goal. Deer has entered your life to help you walk the path of love with full consciousness and awareness, to know that love sometimes requires caring and protection, not only in how we love others, but also in how we love ourselves. Deer teaches us to be gentle, to touch the hearts and minds of wounded beings who are in our lives. Don't push people to change, rather gently nudge them in right direction, with the love that comes from deer. Love and accept people as they are. The balance of true power lays in love and compassion.
Someone has sent me some info on power animal energy and the meaning of deer energy which I wish to share: (following my earlier blog)
Deer's medicine includes gentleness in word, thought and touch. The ability to listen, grace and appreciation for the beauty of balance. Understanding of what's necessary for survival, power of gratitude and giving, ability to sacrifice for the higher good, connection to the woodland goddess, alternative paths to a goal. Deer has entered your life to help you walk the path of love with full consciousness and awareness, to know that love sometimes requires caring and protection, not only in how we love others, but also in how we love ourselves. Deer teaches us to be gentle, to touch the hearts and minds of wounded beings who are in our lives. Don't push people to change, rather gently nudge them in right direction, with the love that comes from deer. Love and accept people as they are. The balance of true power lays in love and compassion.
Sunday 18 July 2010
Surrendering and Releasing,,,
There seems so much to write today.. I went to help a friend on Saturday..a dear sister who is going through so much of her own heartache and life turmoil... and then intended to go to a music night but things didnt turn out that way! Her car broke down and we spent much of the evening with a 'very nice' AA Man - (i have learned so much about power steering fluid)...and then spent an evening sharing with sisters until the early hours....
The story I heard from one of them touched a memory in me that I thought I had 'dealt' with.. that of being with a 'controlling' and possibly violent man and the hold that takes over you as a women in that situation... we are powerful women and yet still succumb..it was a valuable learning for me..
This morning, I travelled through the lanes towards beloved Avebury..and yet another blast from my past.. my old campervan I spotted on a field....suddenly found myslef wanting to take 'ownership' of the van..she looked so beautiful and cared for... I htought I had surrendered it long ago...instead I recovered my picture of Amma from inside and went on my way to the stones...
Then life showed me one of those special gifts... it all happened so quickly but in slow motion... I was driving along and a car was coming the other way on a country lane..when out of the side, a deer was running across the road in front of us.... so graceful and magical... both us drivers stopped, we looked into each others eyes for a brief moment, seemingly to acknowledge this connection.. and then when the deer had disappeared, we both put our foot back on our pedal..and moved on. What a Gift...meeting love, recognising it, acknowledging it and then letting it go...all playing out in front of my eyes.
I walked the avenue, the stones at a slow pace, taking in the magical energies and really surrendering all thoughts and feelings, letting go, shedding, ...getting lighter step by step...it was an amazing mini-journey. I was smiling, really taking in how beautiful life is really..how much I have to be thankful for.
Having lunch I sat with a photographer who had been taking lots of pictures of the stones..and he talked about he was going to photoshop them to bring them to life in his creative way... he talked about his love of his area, of England, of his wife, his life.. a brief exchange..and it was wonderful.
Visiting the stones that I have resonance with, constantly letting go of thoughts, feelings, pain but not beating my self up over them..letting go and letting go.... and then the trees with roots that seem to just be calling you in to sit amongst them.. i sat..and read some of the notes that had been left by others. Some were saying goodbye to loved ones, others had their dreams and wishes for their future...it felt like I was taking a glimpse into another human experience...touching.
Thanking the stones, I then went to the Long Barrow and the waters at the edge.. magical place..filled with gifts left by others, ribbons and trinkets makeing their noises along with teh birds and the buzz of insects. I took my shoes off and plunged my feet into the cold waters...so amazing...to feel the circulation in my legs come alive and travel up and up my spine.. I stayed there for ages..silently acknowledging where I was at..and having such clarity that things are just as they should be.
I left my own messages, invisible, non-physical ones and then travelled home to pick up Milo..... There is more but I need to eat and nourish myself....maybe speak more later.
The story I heard from one of them touched a memory in me that I thought I had 'dealt' with.. that of being with a 'controlling' and possibly violent man and the hold that takes over you as a women in that situation... we are powerful women and yet still succumb..it was a valuable learning for me..
This morning, I travelled through the lanes towards beloved Avebury..and yet another blast from my past.. my old campervan I spotted on a field....suddenly found myslef wanting to take 'ownership' of the van..she looked so beautiful and cared for... I htought I had surrendered it long ago...instead I recovered my picture of Amma from inside and went on my way to the stones...
Then life showed me one of those special gifts... it all happened so quickly but in slow motion... I was driving along and a car was coming the other way on a country lane..when out of the side, a deer was running across the road in front of us.... so graceful and magical... both us drivers stopped, we looked into each others eyes for a brief moment, seemingly to acknowledge this connection.. and then when the deer had disappeared, we both put our foot back on our pedal..and moved on. What a Gift...meeting love, recognising it, acknowledging it and then letting it go...all playing out in front of my eyes.
I walked the avenue, the stones at a slow pace, taking in the magical energies and really surrendering all thoughts and feelings, letting go, shedding, ...getting lighter step by step...it was an amazing mini-journey. I was smiling, really taking in how beautiful life is really..how much I have to be thankful for.
Having lunch I sat with a photographer who had been taking lots of pictures of the stones..and he talked about he was going to photoshop them to bring them to life in his creative way... he talked about his love of his area, of England, of his wife, his life.. a brief exchange..and it was wonderful.
Visiting the stones that I have resonance with, constantly letting go of thoughts, feelings, pain but not beating my self up over them..letting go and letting go.... and then the trees with roots that seem to just be calling you in to sit amongst them.. i sat..and read some of the notes that had been left by others. Some were saying goodbye to loved ones, others had their dreams and wishes for their future...it felt like I was taking a glimpse into another human experience...touching.
Thanking the stones, I then went to the Long Barrow and the waters at the edge.. magical place..filled with gifts left by others, ribbons and trinkets makeing their noises along with teh birds and the buzz of insects. I took my shoes off and plunged my feet into the cold waters...so amazing...to feel the circulation in my legs come alive and travel up and up my spine.. I stayed there for ages..silently acknowledging where I was at..and having such clarity that things are just as they should be.
I left my own messages, invisible, non-physical ones and then travelled home to pick up Milo..... There is more but I need to eat and nourish myself....maybe speak more later.
Saturday 17 July 2010
New Day!
Well.. very briefly when I first awoke...there was no memory..everything was just so..and and then I remembered..and all those yucky feelings returned once more... So I acknowledged them, said thank you, I heard you and got up. After reading a while, I did my tai chi and vocal yoga, acknowledging the divine feminine and giving thanks for life. and feel much more centered today. There is still a nagging pain, deep in my belly..but it is fine...
The dogs are playing around my desk...the sun is shining (ish!),...and ooo.. just remembered. outside my back door there has been a 'weed' growing all spring...I left it and left it, seeing that the weed was going to produce some kind of flower head... and today, its bloomed - a beautiful purple budleigha... its a plant that is very special to me...has followed me around a lot... Another of lifes gifts!..
The dogs are playing around my desk...the sun is shining (ish!),...and ooo.. just remembered. outside my back door there has been a 'weed' growing all spring...I left it and left it, seeing that the weed was going to produce some kind of flower head... and today, its bloomed - a beautiful purple budleigha... its a plant that is very special to me...has followed me around a lot... Another of lifes gifts!..
Friday 16 July 2010
Nourished from the woods...
I have just retuned to the beloved woods at home....like returning to my real home..within and in the outer...
I sobbed into the trunk of the 'mother' tree and the 'father' tree...wailing in release of this pain...so primal and earthy..and so right somehow.. It didnt last long, as I careesed the curves of the trunk, its different forms of bark and moss...I became more centred and willed for more release of this pain into the cosmos..
it passed through...and the sunshine glimmered through the leaves..welcoming me into the new..unknown... asking me to let go with love and acceptance for what is.. for it is the will of life itself, I...
As I meditated in the gentle light, I noticed several times a sort of an eye, in the corner... with movement inside it... but as soon as I 'noticed' it or 'acknowledged' it with a thought, it disappeared...
The tears are an indulgence of my ego..not getting what it wants..an attachment to the body/mind, pain..rather than true knowing...
I realise that all this 'dating game' has shown me time and time again that I truly dont want the 'ordinary, mundane life'...with comfort and security...when I am offered it, I refuse it for I know it will kill me. With this love that has parted from me, there was an opportunity for the 'ordinary' to be transformed into the 'extra ordinary'....there was a glimpse that has not been fulfilled... this is what is so painful and to die to.
After a while in the woods, I bathed my feet in the stream....allowing its waters to flow through and around me. I raised my arms to lift the veil, it was blissful...welcoming in the new, the as yet unknown...and releaseing the pain, old stuck energies through my soles. As my eyes were closed, the eye returned, bigger and all encompassing... this is who I truly am.
I see that I have 'tempered' who I am, set up a whole new profile page to hide my self and this blog from some others...its made it complicated and unreal somehow in the 'hope' that man will take the tiny steps into the unknown with me..rather than have to take a great leap! But I cannot do that....I cannot use ego to appear to assist another in their journey.. their journey is theirs alone...it has to be all alone, all one! He might just have to take the giant leap!
So, now I am sitting with whether to merge my profiles and make this more public to all my contacts not just those that I beleive will get it.... its personal but its not...but I also have to consider the feelings of others...mmmmmm!
Its just started to pour with rain here.... my door is open...and the newness of life the rain drops come in.. also smile as so many 'tears' have fallen like raindrops around the world from the scores of women suffering with heartache right now... the tears like the rain..can transform and bring in the new..
I sobbed into the trunk of the 'mother' tree and the 'father' tree...wailing in release of this pain...so primal and earthy..and so right somehow.. It didnt last long, as I careesed the curves of the trunk, its different forms of bark and moss...I became more centred and willed for more release of this pain into the cosmos..
it passed through...and the sunshine glimmered through the leaves..welcoming me into the new..unknown... asking me to let go with love and acceptance for what is.. for it is the will of life itself, I...
As I meditated in the gentle light, I noticed several times a sort of an eye, in the corner... with movement inside it... but as soon as I 'noticed' it or 'acknowledged' it with a thought, it disappeared...
The tears are an indulgence of my ego..not getting what it wants..an attachment to the body/mind, pain..rather than true knowing...
I realise that all this 'dating game' has shown me time and time again that I truly dont want the 'ordinary, mundane life'...with comfort and security...when I am offered it, I refuse it for I know it will kill me. With this love that has parted from me, there was an opportunity for the 'ordinary' to be transformed into the 'extra ordinary'....there was a glimpse that has not been fulfilled... this is what is so painful and to die to.
After a while in the woods, I bathed my feet in the stream....allowing its waters to flow through and around me. I raised my arms to lift the veil, it was blissful...welcoming in the new, the as yet unknown...and releaseing the pain, old stuck energies through my soles. As my eyes were closed, the eye returned, bigger and all encompassing... this is who I truly am.
I see that I have 'tempered' who I am, set up a whole new profile page to hide my self and this blog from some others...its made it complicated and unreal somehow in the 'hope' that man will take the tiny steps into the unknown with me..rather than have to take a great leap! But I cannot do that....I cannot use ego to appear to assist another in their journey.. their journey is theirs alone...it has to be all alone, all one! He might just have to take the giant leap!
So, now I am sitting with whether to merge my profiles and make this more public to all my contacts not just those that I beleive will get it.... its personal but its not...but I also have to consider the feelings of others...mmmmmm!
Its just started to pour with rain here.... my door is open...and the newness of life the rain drops come in.. also smile as so many 'tears' have fallen like raindrops around the world from the scores of women suffering with heartache right now... the tears like the rain..can transform and bring in the new..
Heart Breaking Surrender....
.... I am going through heaps...shedding so much.. in tears.. have to let go to what is..and accept. its no good keep asking why..it hurts so much. I love so deeply and open..so powerful and have to die to the pain of not being met/seen...
Having spent a few more days with a man whom I love, I finally admit and accept that we must part our paths for good... god, just writing the words, makes my stomach lurch and I have a pain in my chest.. but I know its right..and clear.
This man is not for me, not ready, cannot step through, fall in whatever... he speaks of finding the torture of regret, past attachment, guilt, his head a comfort! he believes its his identity.. ..thinking that that somehow confirms his existence.. maybe the beauty he experienced with this woman scared him, threatens his attchement to his past, inviting him to fall into the unknown.... he cannot.. cannot take the opportunity that has presented to him at this time...he doesnt love..cant love.
So.. I must let him go..for to hold is fruitless, causing me to suffer not being seen or met fully by the man I love..
I surrdender to this.. and let him go on his journey... for he must go his own way...
Having spent a few more days with a man whom I love, I finally admit and accept that we must part our paths for good... god, just writing the words, makes my stomach lurch and I have a pain in my chest.. but I know its right..and clear.
This man is not for me, not ready, cannot step through, fall in whatever... he speaks of finding the torture of regret, past attachment, guilt, his head a comfort! he believes its his identity.. ..thinking that that somehow confirms his existence.. maybe the beauty he experienced with this woman scared him, threatens his attchement to his past, inviting him to fall into the unknown.... he cannot.. cannot take the opportunity that has presented to him at this time...he doesnt love..cant love.
So.. I must let him go..for to hold is fruitless, causing me to suffer not being seen or met fully by the man I love..
I surrdender to this.. and let him go on his journey... for he must go his own way...
Monday 12 July 2010
Catch Up
Hello!
Again, its been a few days since I wrote.. I've been at a festival, catching up with old friends, connecting with others..listening to music and dancing! Wonderful!
Seen how amazingly crafty our minds are! Creating all sorts of scenarios, stories, outcomes etc based on a few lines written on someones FB page... Having read a few lines, I got so upset, so angry..went outside to sit on the earth to ground...and then discussed the whole thing with a friend, and between us, created a whole story around it... and then just as I'd 'decided' what I was going to do about it.. discovered that actually, I'd got a date wrong and so got totally worked up over nothing! Just one simple fact, totally changed my energy and how I 'thought' about someone...amazing! Very powerful our minds!
I'm away from home at the moment and away from my sacred trees... staying in a town with just a park for greenery...but I take Milo there so that we may both get connected to earth energy more easily. I will be travelling for a few days now..visiting the Dorset area for a few days!
Again, its been a few days since I wrote.. I've been at a festival, catching up with old friends, connecting with others..listening to music and dancing! Wonderful!
Seen how amazingly crafty our minds are! Creating all sorts of scenarios, stories, outcomes etc based on a few lines written on someones FB page... Having read a few lines, I got so upset, so angry..went outside to sit on the earth to ground...and then discussed the whole thing with a friend, and between us, created a whole story around it... and then just as I'd 'decided' what I was going to do about it.. discovered that actually, I'd got a date wrong and so got totally worked up over nothing! Just one simple fact, totally changed my energy and how I 'thought' about someone...amazing! Very powerful our minds!
I'm away from home at the moment and away from my sacred trees... staying in a town with just a park for greenery...but I take Milo there so that we may both get connected to earth energy more easily. I will be travelling for a few days now..visiting the Dorset area for a few days!
Friday 9 July 2010
Its been a while....
Well, its been a few days since I wrote on here.. I've been bleeding, letting go and surrendering..at times in deep, deep pain but entering into the blackness that pain seems to open up to...amazing really.. I have rested, nourished myself..and wore as much red as possible!
I have met up with a man in my life; although he isnt sure he wants to be in mine or not! My heart opens to him so and then experiences pain as this man hesitates in his giving..unsure of where he is... definately on his own journey which for now includes me, but may take a different road soon.. If I stay in the present, then all is fine..I am blessed.
I went out with another man a few days ago..a lovely guy...but not for me.. keep coming back to the realisation that I cannot live an ordinary, comfortable, 9-5, robotic existence...like my parents and so many on this earth. There is a small part of me that just want that seeming 'normality' but I would die...without the growth in partnership, passion and conscious deepening.
Today, I am travelling south to a festival..joining friends and intend to relax, enjoy, dance and laugh!
So... festival time....here I come.... X
I have met up with a man in my life; although he isnt sure he wants to be in mine or not! My heart opens to him so and then experiences pain as this man hesitates in his giving..unsure of where he is... definately on his own journey which for now includes me, but may take a different road soon.. If I stay in the present, then all is fine..I am blessed.
I went out with another man a few days ago..a lovely guy...but not for me.. keep coming back to the realisation that I cannot live an ordinary, comfortable, 9-5, robotic existence...like my parents and so many on this earth. There is a small part of me that just want that seeming 'normality' but I would die...without the growth in partnership, passion and conscious deepening.
Today, I am travelling south to a festival..joining friends and intend to relax, enjoy, dance and laugh!
So... festival time....here I come.... X
Monday 5 July 2010
mmmmmmm!
Today, feeling 'not really here'.... head is swimmy, if I close my eyes, I swirl and swirl.....falling deeper... body is still coming to its bleed..stopping and starting... endeavouring to let go!
Writing this is somehow, keeping me more present..
Went for a short walk into the woods with Milo...whilst I rested I watched him take great delight in playing with a stick he found by the split tree. He was chewing it, tossing it around, pawing it so it moves..and prancing around with his tail high! Made me smile... and then.. he would catch me watching him. He would get self-conscious and stop and look all nervous!
Surely thats not a natural state for a dog? self-consciousness is something us humans have learned. It felt a shame...am animal, meant to be so free and untethered, having learned a human characteristic.. or maybe I was just seeing something that wasnt there.
Anyway...when I turned away, he would remember his stick and start up his game again.
A gentle walk back..in the sunshine, picking fresh cherries and raspberries for breakfast....mmmmm!
Writing this is somehow, keeping me more present..
Went for a short walk into the woods with Milo...whilst I rested I watched him take great delight in playing with a stick he found by the split tree. He was chewing it, tossing it around, pawing it so it moves..and prancing around with his tail high! Made me smile... and then.. he would catch me watching him. He would get self-conscious and stop and look all nervous!
Surely thats not a natural state for a dog? self-consciousness is something us humans have learned. It felt a shame...am animal, meant to be so free and untethered, having learned a human characteristic.. or maybe I was just seeing something that wasnt there.
Anyway...when I turned away, he would remember his stick and start up his game again.
A gentle walk back..in the sunshine, picking fresh cherries and raspberries for breakfast....mmmmm!
Sunday 4 July 2010
Gifts from Nature
well, waking up today yearning to be held physically...caressed and loved physically.. heart is open, body is open...surrendering to how it is.. in bed alone. My womb has been trying to bleed for days now...it also feels a yearning to surrender, let go...
I get up to greet Milo, have a drink and shower and dress. I go into the woods, slowly...and on entering the trees, feel at peace. Walking to the place by the brook, I gentle sit on a log, placed by the split tree and just be. I urge my wombe to release the past months stuckness..past energies.
The sunlight is filtering through the leaves and there is a warm wind...making the wood unusually noisy. Milo is a little scared of all the creaking sounds, and stays close by my feet.
Placing my body, my third eye, breast, womb, yoni against the moss covered trunk of the tree, I sink in...wondrous depth..and beauty..loving the beloved. Intoxicated by its essence.. remembering that Mother, the beloved can enter me just at deeply as any man physically..
Nourished, at peace, content, we walk back towards our cottage..stop and pick cherries and raspberries for breakfast - wondrous gifts of nature...
I get up to greet Milo, have a drink and shower and dress. I go into the woods, slowly...and on entering the trees, feel at peace. Walking to the place by the brook, I gentle sit on a log, placed by the split tree and just be. I urge my wombe to release the past months stuckness..past energies.
The sunlight is filtering through the leaves and there is a warm wind...making the wood unusually noisy. Milo is a little scared of all the creaking sounds, and stays close by my feet.
Placing my body, my third eye, breast, womb, yoni against the moss covered trunk of the tree, I sink in...wondrous depth..and beauty..loving the beloved. Intoxicated by its essence.. remembering that Mother, the beloved can enter me just at deeply as any man physically..
Nourished, at peace, content, we walk back towards our cottage..stop and pick cherries and raspberries for breakfast - wondrous gifts of nature...
Saturday 3 July 2010
Phew! here goes...... Grand Cross & Lunar Eclipse
Hello!
Well its taken me a week since I was first inspired to start a blog...getting around all the teckie stuff! So this first entry is a little behind... but it gives you an idea on why I was inspired to start sharing my journey....
Saturday 26th June : The day of the Lunar Eclipse and Grand Cross – magical energy. Day of death, rebirth and endless potential. Limitless possibilities.
Walk with Milo, my border collie, to woods near me. Sacred trees. First I go to what I call the ‘Mother’ Tree.. an oak that has been split into two by nature herself – a lightning strike. Half of her is lying on the earth, the other half standing strong, resilient with scorch marks from the burn...her crown alive with flourishing nature.
I sit at the foot of her, in her heart, where the trunk has been ripped apart. I gaze at her other half, lying before me, resting in her beauty. The sunlight is glimmering through the leaves above - magical. I soak up the energies coming in fully.
Drawn to the nearby stream, I place my bare feet in her cold waters, cleansing and nourishing, enlivening my inner being..then return back to my ‘throne’.
A while later, I am drawn away to another group of three trees that seem to have sprung from the same root.. all joined together at the bottom. This group I have named ‘the three sisters’.. I caress each of them, feeling their intricate patterning bark and give my thanks for their wonder.
I then continue to walk around and notice a smaller tree wjhich has a branch coming up from its root at a right angle...covered in moss, perfect for sitting on I note. But it seems as though it is pointing further on the path...like its saying ‘this is the way’...so I continue.
I look behind and there is an awesome Oak standing proud which I sense has a more masculine energy – for now I will call this the ‘Father tree’ I lay my spine against his trunk –its bark deep but soft. My heart starts to beat faster and I take the energies in through my kundalini.. from my base to the crown and back again. I smile in ecstacy and surrender to its will...
I turn around and lay my front body against the tree – 3rd eye, heart, breast, wombe, yoni – all connected and taking in his energy directly... feel so connected, embraced and loved... so intoxicating!
I savour the connection with the planets as they line up to emit their message to the consiciousness..
I walk around his trunk further, this side is totally covered in moss, so seems to have a softer energy somehow..but still feels very masculine.. and I lay against this side, breathing in its divine energy..inviiting it to consume me totally. Very powerful..leaves me breathless.
Eventually, I thank the tree and walk a little further and notice other trees..standing proud – like a group of elders watching and protecting the wood and mothers children. To the side is a smaller tree coming from beside the stream...shaped like a serpent, twisting up sensually toward the cosmos. Beautiful Mother Serpent.
I sense that the eclipse is nearing, and walk back to the ‘mother’ tree to sit and meditate. Its hot..sun is baking and I move around her base to the shade..but she seems to move me on and away from her.. so I head back to the ‘father’ tree and sink, sink, sink and climb, climb, climb... the breeze seems to get a little stronger..the cosmic moon transmitting her message...ever so gently.
After a while, I move back to ‘mother’ and sit in her heart again between the two halves..meditating in the stillness..sun seems to have gone behind cloud to give me respite from its heat.. the scent of honeysuckle and moss drifts through my senses, sounds of buzzy flies, insects and buds, the waterfalls caress my ears.. i open my eyes and am overwhelmed by the beauty of Mother Nature that surrounds me..enveloping me in her love.
I speak clearly from my heart that ‘I’ am here..always here...for love, to serve love alone. This is who I am..the real authentic self, surrendering, soft, passionate woman..living her truth.. no more compromising her true self... show herself, her power fully.. and those that are prepared to do the same, will come....
The stream and waterfalls call me over once more and already Milo is in them, prancing up and down in the water, delighting in the splashes and at play. I stand in the water myself, ankle deep and close my eyes, sinking into the blackness.
I lift my arms to the cosmos..lifting the veil..and surrendering. Intoxicating myself with the beloved. Allowing all to flow through my physical body into the waters at my feet. I lift my arms again, open my eyes and there is a buzzard circling above..silently. I begin to move my arms, in dance of flight..smiling with wonder and gratitude for such love that I receive....
In the silence, I see clearly potentials in existence... writing a blog..sharing this journey with others..share your story.. allow others to share in this path of love... welcome people to join...
Before walking toward home, I go around each tree again, giving it a caress, hug, kiss..in gratitude, feeling blessed to have been invited to share in their energy..their sacred space.
As I retrace my steps back home, I notice there are hearts everywhere! Smiling, I notice that there are delicate petals carpeting the path, shaped in a perfect heart..there are leaves on the side, also shaped as hearts... yet another sign of the love that is always there..surrounding us...constantly..
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