It's been quite a couple of months...February seems to have gone by in a
blur. Blood clots developed into a DVT and I also have anaemia and
other deficiencies now diagnosed. All that means more Meds added to my
daily regime. I have been housebound with lots of visits to doctors and
hospital for some pretty grim tests and procedures. Have had amazing
support from friends and family..for them I am grateful.
In
amongst that, emotionally things have been tough as well... I attended
my youngest sister's funeral last week. She had been battling cancer
for a long time. The thing is I didn't really know Nicola. I was
adopted and I didn't meet her until I searched out my birth mother when I
was eighteen. Right back then, when I first met Nicola and our middle
sister Lynsey, it was a surprise to find out that they had always known
about me, were eager to get to know me. They were both at school at
the time, I was in my first job..it was all a bit overwhelming to me to
suddenly inherit a new family, sisters, grand mother...aunties, uncles,
and cousins that I resembled physically and who knew all about me.
Through
the years I have seen them grow up, have families of their own, look
out for each other and they have welcomed me with open heart and love
whenever we have got together..which sadly I feel now, was not often
enough. These last few weeks, I have been unable to visit Nicola due
to my own ill health but at least we did get to speak on the telephone
briefly a few days before she passed.
It all felt a bit
surreal...not being part of the family as such, but deeply feeling that
blood connection. My old self stuff of not being wanted, feeling left
out, even guilty and had feelings that it should have been me...which is
purely selfish...I recognised that. At the end, her passing was
peaceful and surrounded by all who have been part of her life and loved
her...she is no longer suffering and in pain. There is no
separation...she will always be part of me and in my heart.
And
for my other sister, Lynsey, whilst I can never replace the bond she has
with Nicola...I will be here as 'big sis' whenever she needs.. And
for our mother..I am not going anywhere..
On death...and living...
A
few weeks ago, when it was thought I might have an embolism as well,
there was an evening when I was in a lot of pain, I had an infection,
fever, breathlessness and hallucinations. I could hear my heart
beat..the one heart beat..and that familiar beat of 'om' ringing.
I
knew I was experiencing another full circle.. it had been a blood clot
that almost killed me many years ago...it was that that woke me up,
changed my life... In that moment, 17 yrs ago, I was not afraid of
death..I was surrendering to dying...I was willing to go, even with my
family around me pleading otherwise..
That particular evening
however, I felt vulnerable in a different way, I was on my own, no
family around me pulling me back, ..there were tears..when the
hallucinations began, I brought myself back, I wouldn't stay with any
fear...
It was not a fear of dying, but of the sadness that I may not LIVE!
Get the difference?
This is what I wrote following that night..
"I want to fulfil my purpose....i want to live fully... I am called to
serve humanity... I know who I am, I know beyond this body mind
experience and I surrender ever deeper to allowing this body to do its
will.... For whatever transpires is the perfect journey!
I yet again have to gently move my self and it's 'wants' out of the way!"
After what happened with Nicola, that experience becomes even more poignant to me..
Ready for my new stage in life to start! :)
