Overdue Blog...dark night of soul despair to joy. :)

It has been a long while since I last wrote.  Much has transpired and I needed to surrender to it all and I didn't want to write publicly.  I did still write for myself as that is what I do..and I have brought into this piece the 'ramblings' of the last month or so..

I have had to face numerous health issues...it seems that life wanted me to re-explore health concerns from the past and I have gone through many tests, numerous visits to consultants from different disciplines..blood clots, eye problems, cervical cancer, trachea narrowing, knee injury.  As one letter of appointment or concern after another dropped through my door, I sank deeper and deeper.. 

During this period, I also travelled through a journey of  'spiritual' crises and experienced dark night of the soul stuff.  This was to be celebrated...accepted...  I had been brought to my knees once more..I am blessed.

I felt so alone and yet knew I was not separate.  I felt outside, in excile, in madness, caught between the old and the new possibilities.  Projects were not coming through, my life felt stuck and I felt inadequate.  I couldnt go back..I would not quit.  Along with those feelings of depression, I remembered the unending divine connection..I am that...

Physically as well, my body was screaming..Every muscle, bone and cell seemed to ache so deep that there was no way to get relief and I was so tired all the time.  I was and still am spinning out as if I have vertigo.  I had to travel many miles to appointments and have unpleasant tests undertaken.  Milo had his dog walkers, my mum helped with shopping, I felt like I would never surface..It took tremendous energy not to get into 'poor me' stuff. 

My teacher, satsang, books, positive thoughts, friends, possessions, money, music, meditations, even distractions could not not relieve it.    Suicide ..not even that...absurd..pills from the doctor for depression...no way, I am beyond this body mind and I didn't want to be robbed of the experience, be numbed in any way.

I trusted in what was happening, knowing it was necessary..I had to surrender to it and just 'be'.  After the blissful presence I had entered at Tuscany, I knew that I didn't need to 'feel" that bliss in order to be it.  I had to stay with the knowledge of it..it took tremendous energy and devotion.   My beloved teacher told me it was the integrative process and It was something not to be rushed...I knew there would be light again.

The majority of the health concerns turned out okay...I had a knowing they would be fine.  But its a real test when you are getting told my various 'professional's that they see something amiss, even though you dont believe it. 

I had experienced these feelings of despair and loneliness before when I returned from my first ever residential retreat and had my first realisations but that was many many years ago. That time I was married and surrounded by family..but still felt so alone.  There was much concern from loved ones who didn't know what to do and I didn't know at the time what was happening to me.

It's a time when you don't belong in the old way of life, yet you don't fit in any other reality either, the new life.  We are told that this is a path of joy and yet my life felt empty..and yet again there is also a knowledge that you cannot go back...that would be like going to prison.

There has to be acceptance first, trust and the knowledge that there is no separation, that I am that absolutely..regardless of how it looks or feels.

Slowly the darkness has dispersed..catching glimpses of light and hope.  Negative thoughts that had previously washed over me as soon as I opened my eyes could no longer take hold..once more I could breathe!  Friends have come and supported me in so many ways.. helped around the house, with Milo, feeding me or just staying with me.. virtual friends from lands afar have listened to my rants and in turn threw light in some very dark places as we share similar health challenges.   I thank all my angels!  X  I have re organised my house, got it in order, chucked out so much 'stuff' on so many levels, getting myself out to communicate with new people.....ready for the new...here it comes!  :)

:)

Bringing you all up to date..I have experienced much laughter these last few days...it's been amazing, powerful, beautiful, emotional and I admit even a little scary to catch myself smiling randomly.  Much energy has and is being transformed and I am blessed and grateful to all around me, old friends and to new beings arriving in my life!  :)


Sunny, crisp, frosty Autumnal day today..magical....ahhh...deep breath!   Here goes....to how life unfolds!  :)

Namaste

Lissy.x